twinkle yourself!

Spawn/Mommy conversation....
M-Let's put up the icicle lights along the front of the house..as I recall from last year-it was pretty easy and didn't take alot of time!"
S"-"Yesssss..the reason, MOTHER, that you think it did not take alot of time last year is because we did not put them up last year!"
M-"Yes we did! We got the ladder out and put them up -i remember talking about it--several times!"
S-"Yessssss, MOTHER, we talked about it but then we figured out that the ladder wasn't high enough and that the lights had to be put up from the roof AND had we have done that..Mom, the lights would still be up from last year. Just saying."
M-"oh"
So I got off early today and I brought the ladder around and attempted to string the lights until I figured out again the the ladder was not high enough. Not to be deterred-i went out on the roof-after breaking out a screen-i sort of had a frustrated "what the phuck would i do if there was a fire" moment and the screen lost but i was free ...to slowly scuttle like a crab- a long legged sexy ass crab ( lol cause no one was looking) to the edge of the roof-hello gutters!
So as I looked down on the ant size people below-just kidding there were no people but i kept having to pull the lights up from the ground and they kept falling down-scary. I thought-shit-I AM AN ACCIDENT waiting to happen. After a long,kind of controlled panicky, scoot down the roof-I GOT IT DONE!
I was so excited! And Spawn is right-those bitches are not coming down! Icicle lights say, " HAPPY NEW YEAR" "i love you" on Valentine's Day, "Happy Easter!" and well, they are just festive any time of of the year!
Happy Christmas..let your light shine!

roll one/smoke one and golf!

So late last week an e-mail went out to supervisors asking if someone could go on Saturday and pick the proceeds from a golf tournament for one of our funds that help children and families during the holidays. Since I live close to that golf course, I e-mailed that I would do it. As soon as an e-mail goes out to the other supervisors that I will do it and thanks, my office phone rings. It is my best friend at work and she says,
"Hey, nutball!!!! Have you ever been on a golf course???"

I say, "Hey squirrel girl, I will have you know I grew up on a golf course when I was a teenager and I happen to know that "greens" are excellent places to have hot.fumbley teenage sex! Plus my dad plays golf alot!"

"Well, then you are an excellent person to represent the agency at this event!"

"YES, I thought the same thing!"

"Has it occurred to you that this might cut into your Saturday beer-thirty?"

"Surely not! I just have to hop over there, accept the donation, smile and leave...easy breezy!"

"Whatcha gonna wear??"

"Clothes!"

So I call the golf pro as instructed early this afternoon and he says, it would be really great if I could come to the clubhouse as soon as the first teams finish and sort of hang out with the group until all the scores are calculated and winners announced. Huh? ok........SHIT what am I going to wear!!! So I call my friend and ask what people wear to a golf course-she said GOLF CLOTHES. I have to call the person the who sent out the e-mail and see if it is ok if I wear jeans and a sweater. She said it was so I was good to go on that part.
So I get there and GIRLS-it's kind of like a slightly twisted girl candyland! I am the only woman in the room and not the only one wearing pink!!!!! I am surrounded by men who oddly seem to be significantly younger than me or significantly older than than me and they are ALL a little loose!
A great group of men who came out on a Saturday afternoon to play golf for a good cause! Yay guys!
I sort understand golf..i appreciate the simple logic of the game but until today I didn't really understand it is the only sport I know of that is a BEER drinking sport while playing !!! How phucking excellent is that! AND I just want to say, this clubhouse has Nattie Light in a can! I didn't have one of course but spin me around and call me happy! After a couple hours I have been hit on HARD by all the old men there and learned that old men are into some damn pot smoking! What?????
OH YES, got several offers to go roll one and smoke one in their fancy ass cars. I only gave my number to one 85 year old because he was so charming and I figure he will lose it before he gets home (cause he smokes alot of pot-according to him). :)

I don't smoke pot or play golf but I respect and now celebrate others right to so! I might take lessons..really! Cause... don't I get to stand, legs apart, bend over and wiggle my ass before I hit something! PERFECT! Go golf!

BYOA

m-" I need to let you know that the plans for this weekend ARE:
* find every dead flashlight in this house and replace the batteries
* replace the batteries in all the smoke detectors
* drain the water off the pool cover
* clean the shark tank
* bathe the dogs
* decorate the tree-I have given it 3 days to decorate itself and it's a stubborn and lazy tart and is evidently having none of that
* and you will need to clean your, you know, bathroom!"
s-"seriously!"
m-"seriously...i will make hot chocolate and sing carols or small pieces of carols..you know what i can remember..like a medley..of sorts"
s-"WHERE is the fun in this????"
m-"IT will be a BYOF weekend!" :)
s-"huh!"
m-" Bring your own FUN!"
s-"How about BYOA."
m-"huh"
s-"bring your own ATTITUDE!"
m-"Perfect! cause I plan on bringing mine too!!!! It's isn't like they don't don't each other! Yay for the four of us!"
Happy Weekend!

permission to be a lesbian and/or a reindeer- sigh

ok we all know Spawn's mantra-"You are too old to date!"
OUR ON-GOING SPAWN/MOM conversations
#1
M-"But your dad is older than me, it it ok for him to date?"
S-"Yes, he's my dad!"
M-" Huh??? Then why isn't it ok for me to date?"
S-"Because you are my MOTHER-it will never be ok for you to date!"
#2
S-" I don't why you would even want a boyfriend. You are too old and he can't come over here because I am here so it is an exercise in futility to even try and have one!"
M-"Huh??? So what you are saying is my life is over and I will be lonely forever-correct?"
S-"Correct."
M-"just checking. note to self...." lol
#3
S-" Mom, you are too old for: (not in any particular order)
a boyfriend
tattoos
hooker shoes
your clothes
dating
tanning
sex
an the list goes on"
blah blah blah..I have stopped listening. These conversations have become a buzzing,white noise. I am present for conversations about home work and grades and daily teenage angst. But the "too old for" conversations I have been tuning out for a while. BECAUSE he is a 14 year old boy who has absolutely no control over those parts of my life. I love him and all but the day I let a 14 year old child run my life is the day somebody needs to kick my ass! I let him pick out cereal at the grocery store! :)
SO-I am playing hearts on the computer and enjoying the HELL out of it and he slinks in and starts talking...I am tuning out because he is starting with the whole mom you know you can't have a real boyfriend thing..tuning out...blah blah blah
S-"........but I don't really want you to be lonely the rest of your life, so I have decided if you want to have a girlfriend that would be ok with me."
WHAT-I AM NOW TUNED IN.
S-" I am ok with you having a girlfriend and it would be ok for her to come over when I am here and spend the night. she could be here on the days I am here and I am fine with that."
I am looking at my child like he is 5 headed snake and I seriously think my mouth fell open!
S-" But mom this is a very conservative county, so the girlfriend has to totally be on the down-low-better for you and me. She is your .huh...best friend. So what do you think? It works for both of us, right?"
I AM SPEECHLESS..for once.
M-"IF I understand you correctly, you are giving permission to be a lesbian. IS that what you are saying?"
S-"Yes!"
I have to say that I took a couple really deep breathes at this point and said...
M-"SON-that is like saying, I can be a reindeer. Which I can't and you know that. And I want you to think about for one minute-for ONE minute to think about how it would feel for someone to ask you to keep your love for them on the DOWN-LOW! How bad would that feel?"
S-"Horrible, I know. I'm sorry Mom..I just want something that works for me. And two moms is better than someone who replaces dad. I know you can't be a reindeer."
M-"Listen to me, you don't need to worry about me being lonely in my old age-(lol) and you don't need to worry about who I see or don't see when you aren't here. You need to worry about grades and impending puberty and you seriously need to check yourself because you know intolerance in this family is unacceptable."
S-"Sorry, Mom. Do you think a lesbian orgy would be loud?"
M-"I am assuming as loud as any other orgy. I would not have a clue how loud any orgy is."
S-"That's what I thought too."
YAY-EQUALITY for reindeer

Boots and Boys

Spawn-taneous and Mommy chat
S"You realize I am PATHETIC!"
M"huh?"
S-"My whole social life is on-line playing black-ops with kids from Nebraska. I actually consider these kids to be my FRIENDS! DO you get how pathetic that is???!!!"
M"Would you like to see a therapist?"
S-"NO!"
M-"Are you a danger to yourself or others?"
S-"NO! god,MOM"
M-"Are you doing drugs, drinking, sexting, looking at porno on the computer, skipping school, bullying anyone?"
S-" NO!!!!"
M-" ok, then let me tell you this. You are not pathetic! You are temporarily in "the desert". You are a freshman boy. No one has time for your kind. You are wandering alone...with your kind all about you but not close because not even freshman boys want to hang with other freshman boys..except for the nerds -just because they are more evolved. They are hanging out together and enjoying as best they can the desert that is this year. Plus you are a freshman boy who has not yet reached puberty ( you can thank me and my family of late-bloomers later) so you are are double screwed. SO my point being-considering on-line friends your real friends is not pathetic-it's your reality just for right now and it isn't bad. And I promise things will get different and more exciting and we can all hope, better."
S-" So what you are saying i just have to endure this?"
M-" This and many more desert times in your life. And while we are talking-Flushing the toilet does NOT cause brain damage! Candy wrappers left on the floor (phuck you Halloween and your endless supply ) DO NOT reproduce candy! Pockets are meant to be TEMPORARY holders of things..gum,your braces' rubber bands and notes really DON't like being washed! Towels really don't dry on the FLOOR! AND NO-we really don't need to keep the heat at 80 degrees so you can be comfortable in SHORTS!"
S-"OMG-I will get to move out someday-right!!!!!!"
M-"We can only hope!"
S-"I love you, Mom."
M-"I love you too, ALOT and I will always try to be an oasis in your desert times but that isn't a guarantee. If you back the truck up to a green lawn and dump the sand yourself- I may send you a postcard and hope you figure it out for yourself." :)
S-" I hate that you think and act younger than you are!"
M"OK!"
S"You should not wear boots and tights!"
M-"OK!"
S-" You should not be dating!"
M-"understand your point of view!"
S-"why aren't you arguing with me?"
M-"Cause you are freshman boy....everyone knows freshman boys are just lame!" :)
S-"Thanks, Mom!"
any time....;)

trying to be nice and cupping

I am a person who honestly tries to be nice. It's my nature AND you can push me once or twice and I am still smiling..nice-ing it. But there is point when I go-oh hell no. I took my car in to have the tires rotated and balanced and sat..and sat-it was 7:15 IN THE MORNING-i was the only person there. 7:45-the dude rolls a tire out-do i really know this is MY tire -NO-cause I forgot to mark it with pink finger nail polish-ding dang it! He goes down on one knee in front of me and starts talking. There is CUPPING-bad things could happen.You need 4 new tires! Your brakes are THIS close to being metal to metal-i am nodding-thinking -wtf is cupping. It doesn't sound good on any level. I like it if you can make a problem sound remotely sexual..that's just me. But cupping and metal to metal are just..boring. But then he mentions the water pump which may be leaking JUST a little AND makes me go look at it....that was my push! OH hell no AND i have to leave in an hour so if you can't do the new tires and the brakes in an hour-i will just take the brakes. OH then all of a sudden they could get it done.
I was so pissed-so pissed- at me not being able to deal with that situation knowledgeably!
I will own the cupping because I am like a curb-riding over fool. if there is a curb-my ass is driving over it-accidently! :) And the car is 4 years old-it probably needs brakes. But don't try to sell me a water pump-it's too much.
Plus the waiting room was cold! I wish..I knew more about all kinds of things..but I don't yet so I will continue to try to be nice..until pushed too far. ;)

WHEE as in Cullowhee :)

I am packing for my first ever vacation alone. I am going home for the first time in 10 years. That amazes me but 10 years ago my dad told me and my siblings that he was selling the farm in Cullowhee and buying a condo in Swannanoa.( ha- Swannanoa comes up as a misspelled word but the only suggestion is swanning. I seriously don't want to know what that is.) WHAT.. what? We were shell-shocked. We thought we would always have a place to come back to in Cullowhee, a place to bring our kids, so they would know Cullowhee too.( the misspelled suggestion for Cullowhee is callowness..huh)
Dad moved and I have not been back but I am so excited to be going home on my first EVER vacation alone! I am going home for the class of 1979's 50th Birthday Party! Our class is so awesome we are getting together for our collective 50th b-day!
Just so you know-I have never been to a class reunion and they have had them. Many since 1979 ..I never went..I was busy, I was broke, I was afraid. I didn't go.
But I am going to this because for the first time since I was 18, I realize these are people who mean alot to me. These are people who have known me since i was 5 (we had kindergarten through 12th grade in one building).
These are people I genuinely like!
S-"Are you taking someone to this class thing..you are, don't lie!"
M-" No I am not!"
S-"SERIOUSLY!"
M_"Seriously.
M-"I totally intend to share really good times with my friends and just hook up there. The high school guys will be lookin fine!"
S-"MOM! You are WAY too old for them!!! I think I am going to be sick"
M-"WHAT! They are my age..how could I be too old?"
S-" Oh phuck, I thought you were talking about real high school guys!"
M-.....sigh..
I have to stop saying things just to get under Spawn's skin. It's so easy, it just seems unfair. :)
Coming home!!!!! WHEE!

winter and math

The first dark evenings of daylight saving time just depress me. It is winter's line in the sand and I despise winter like it is a racist/sexist/pajama in public wearing/ tea party zombie. I could go on but that's all the hating i got right now. I do not like the cold mornings! I do not like the cold nights! I do not like the cold days! I do not like snow or frost or slightly frosty. I do not like seeing my breath in the air. I do not like coats -although, yes i sort of do when it's COLD! I give coats a pass-just semi-hate them, like grocery shopping! :)
I am trying to stay up til 9 cause that is really 10. I went to bed at 8:30 last night cause it was really 9:30 and woke up at 4:30 which was really 5:30 and this is MATH..phucking MATH..yet another reason I hate winter. SERIOUSLY!
And this morning, as I rounded the "Lovin It" drive through..I thought..one morning, I am going to drive up and the pork and gravy biscuit will be gone! It will just happen without warning and I will be more depressed. Damn it!
On the upside-since my hormones ran out I am having quite tropical events while I try to sleep and quite frankly I love them! Although, I am finding Spawn slightly more annoying than usual and I am pretty sure I will be eating his Oreos if we get snowed in without power and he will have to open cans of cold peas..that i am not really sure why we have.
M-" I am going to have to go bed."
S-"Mom, it's 8:30!"
M-"It's really 9:30"
S-"no Mom-it's not-it's really 8:30. I am going to bed at 10-which is my bedtime.
M-"Which is really 11."
S-" MOTHER, no it's not but if you want to go to bed at 8:30, I am down with that-way more unsupervised time than I usually get!"
M-"I have things to do..staying up!" :)
phuck winter and your baby brother, fall. poohie! hate winter!

Wet Dogs and Nipples-(Actually it was just one nipple)

Yesterday I was thinking how hard it is to work full-time and parent and keep your house clean and also take care of all the house/yard maintenance things( the stupid formerly known as MAN jobs). The lawn mower would't work for the last the last mow of the year- my first impulse was just to throw it away-phuck it!It had just become a burnt out light bulb to me-it doesn't work anymore-i can't fix it-trash it! Luckily it was just out of gas...a reprieve for the lawn mower! So my day was shaping up to be an "I might be overwhelmed" day, lawn mowing, mounds of laundry, the occasional dog pee clean up, aquarium cleaning (just nasty) AND at Spawn's insistence bathing the dogs.
Lily the massive puppy hasn't never been bathed and Jessel(outside dog) who is 13 has never been bathed. I looked at Spawn, who, for some reason was inexplicably EXCITED about the dog bathing.
M-" This is going to be disaster, you realize that..right?"
S-"It will be fine-we just need some good pre-bath planning!!!!"
I looked at him and he looked back at me and I looked at him.
S-"SO, what's the plan, Mom?"
I looked at my child and my mind was just boiling with, well..pissy thoughts. I should be loving and nurturing right now-use this as a teaching moment. In my mind I can see it..the two of us of working through this chore together..laughing..basking in the glow of a job well done. I see that in the background of my mind. In the foreground of my mind I see me grabbing his ear and pinching it VERY hard and him screaming like a girl! And I am calmly whispering in his ear, " PLAN THIS, helpless boy!"
I am immediately ALARMED..yes I am! And I realize that I am either really tired and overwhelmed or the fact that my HORMONE prescription ran out weeks ago may be jeopardizing my child's safety!!!!!
I breathe and sort of sidle over to the counter to my beer and sip and breathe and sip.
M-"I will go get 5 towels. You get a plastic cup, the dog shampoo and the dog and meet me in the bathroom. You hold and I will bathe and rinse."
So this is where it all actually goes downhill-lol.
We get the massive puppy in the bathtub and Spawn is struggling to keep Lily in the tub-we are all getting soaked-I call time out so I can pull off my sweatshirt-I HAVE A T-SHIRT ON UNDER IT- and I have a brief wardrobe malfunction-2 seconds tops-or well-lack of tops. The T-shirt comes up with the sweatshirt for a couple seconds. I pull it right back down. By that time I am alone in the bathroom with the massive puppy who has jumped out of the tub and is now shaking water all over me, the bathroom and then on to the kitchen and living room and Spawn has fled to the other room screaming " MY eyes, my eyes!"
I grab the puppy put her out the back and go to confront my dog bathing PARTNER! He appears to be curled in a ball on the futon in the playroom.
M-"What the hell was that? You just took off and left me in there with Lily, the dog sprinkler!"
S-"I need THERAPY and I need it right now! I may need an emergency hospitalization. I don't feel like living anymore since I have seen your NIPPLE! I may harm myself or others. I will never be the same!"
M-"ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! It was a second for god's sake."
S-" It was your nipple..i feel sick..Arghhhhh"
M-" HEY, you need to calm your ass down-there was time that nipple was your friend ,buddy. Now stop wailing! I mean it!! Pull yourself together and let's finish the dog bathing!"
S-"OMG-how could you say that! I can't -my stomach is upset...arghhhh..."
M"IF you do not shut up right now and come back in here and help me bathe this dog........ I am going to grab your ear and pinch it SO hard that you scream like a girl and I mean it!"
Spawn sits and looks at me and I look back!
S-" Seriously! Seriously! Your solution to this traumatic experience I have suffered is to pinch my ear so hard I scream?"
M-"Like a girl!"
S-" That is Ridiculous, Mom, RIDICULOUS!"
M-" Well, so is acting like seeing my nipple for 2 seconds has scarred you for life."
S-" Bathing the dogs is going to be a bigger job than I thought and I am not sure we can do it."
M-"Well, we have started it and we need to finish it-end of story. so let's go. We'll live through it and know how to do it better next time."
S-"Would you really have grabbed my ear and pinched it-that is a little extreme, Mom."
M-" I would have and I would have loved every minute of it."
and I would have! ;)

panties and power

So I have a beautiful and unbelievably smart friend that i am trying to help through a hard time. I am trying to help her get back her POWER..to be a "I am a princess and so shall I be treated!!" powerful person. I was coaching leaps and bounds...she needed to take baby steps. I dialed it back and looked at her forlorn face and said, "We need to come up with a really shitty cuss cuss cuss name for your heartbreak man and how is your pantie drawer?"
H-"How is my pantie drawer?"
M-"yes, what does your pantie drawer look like?"
H-"APRIL! I work, I am now a single parent-i have worries about finances and I am in a state of painful confusion and you want to know about my pantie drawer?"
M-"The heartbreak man's really shitty cuss name is "phucking, phuckhead, mother-phucking stupid dickhead. Or FFMSD for short. And yes, we need to talk about your pantie drawer!"
H-"WOW that is very accurate but too complicated-could we just have his nickname be "DICK" and "DICK" for short."
M-"Absolutely! How is your pantie drawer? Is it full of old panties, granny panties, panties you don't give a shit about?"
H-" I guess."
M-" Here's the thing-when we are teenage girls we love our panties! And they have to be nice-stylish. When we are in college and dating..they have to be nice (we keep our fall back comfy panties) but we have some sexy panties. The point being panties are important and if they are nice-they make us feel good just knowing we have them on. Then we get married and have children and EVERYTHING gets attention but our panties. We wear whatever we have-no money goes to the panties until they get threadbare-then we pick up a 3 pack of Lady Hanes at Target. We have no love for those panties-they are NECESSARY panties.
H-"OMG you are so....never mind. Continue..."
M" Stupid- I know, but I am all you got right now-The lesson for this week in taking your power back is to go buy all new panties. I had some bigger things in mind like talking to a LAWYER but I think this works."
H-" I don't have to go to Victoria's Secret, do I?"
M-" Oh hell no-go in the back side of JC Penney at the mall."
H-" I know that entrance! "
M-"Pantie heaven- 6 for $12-just pretty panties. Buy enough to throw away all your old panties.
I got a pair of hello kitty boy shorts-pink-makes me happy! And that is the point-new nice panties-your pantie drawer looking so different when you open it everyday will make you smile-and that, my friend is the first step to taking your power back."
I talked to her this week and those panties have empowered her and made her feel better. Ladies, your pantie drawer wants to be all that! ;)

Spawn and Lily poop

M-"Wow, something really stinks in the kitchen! Can you smell that?"
S--"Yeah, Lily pooped in the house and I didn't want to tell you, so I picked it up with paper towels and threw it in the kitchen trash can." Spawn looking at me like a bashful puppy -wanting approval. lol
M-"Spawn, if Lily poops in the house-pick it up and flush it."
S-"K"
Two days later...
S-"Hey Mommy(always a bad sign) I think the downstairs toilet is uh clogged up."
M-"Why? OMG there is like a roll of paper towels in there !!!! What happened!!!"
S-" Well, Mommy, Lily pooped in the house and I did what you said. I picked it up and flushed it but it won't flush."
M-"BECAUSE YOU and 47 paper towels picked up the poop.Please Spawn-pick up the poop with a Kleenex and throw it in the toilet."
S-"I am not sure I can pick up the poop without the paper towel layers. I tried the Kleenex-i could feel the warm of the poop through it-aahhhhh"
M-"Well-that my child is a great reason for condoms and you remember that-cause you know nothing about warm poop til you have a baby!"
s-"MOM!"
Today I pulled out of my driveway and noticed a huge wad of paper towels hanging from my dogwood tree. Stopped the car-went back in.
m-"There are paper towels HANGING in the trees!
S-" Yeah, Lily pooped in the night and i found a perfect solution."
Since I don't like the poop heat -i will use the paper towels and throw it in woods outside!"
M-"OK well no farm team is going to come look for you cause your big throw to the woods looks more like an early Halloween rolling in our own front yard."
S-" Mommy, maybe you could clean up the poop, cause you know all the good methods and stuff"
M-"Maybe not !" :)

breathe fire or hop away!

You know how you buy just one little thing, it speaks to you,makes you smile, fits in the palm of your hand,so you buy it. For you it is just a thing you saw and you liked. Then a friend or family sees it and say , "So do you like that?"
You say, "yes, yes ,I do." This seems to be an innocent response..it is the knick knack KISS of DEATH response!
For the next 30 years you will receive from every friend and family member some variation of this thing for every birthday and holiday!!!! You will become overrun with it and on some level begin to resent the very little thing you admired.
For me it was frogs.....I have so many frogs in so many forms...i am ashamed. And I don't love them all-I hate 95% of them. I really liked the first frog I bought and so smiled and accepted the 50 million frogs and things-o-frog I got after that-that I didn't like. This is about other people. It is about "easy gift giving" and it has to stop! Please don't assume because a person has a frog they like that you are off the hook for 30 years with regard to creative gift-giving.
This point was really driven home to me when I brought Becky's house to my home. At some point she bought a dragon and by 62 year she had dragons EVERYWHERE. I think I have probably 67 dragon or dragon representations in my home right now. I am having a garage sale on Saturday and I am selling every phucking frog and dragon in this house. Cause I don't want Spawn's partner years from now when he has to grinch my house to say, "What the Phuck was up with your Mom and frogs???"
His response will probably be, "The frogs never bothered me, the fact that she refused to wear a bra after she got home from work traumatized me!"
Whatever! :)

smoke and socks -part 4

The first time I met my Dad's cousin Becky was outside the big white house we moved into when we moved to Cullowhee-you know the one above the Moss's trailer that later became Hardee's. :)
I was 5 and she was 18 and she was a freshman at Western. She came to our house several times. She was so pretty, tall, blond with the bluest eyes. I thought she was a princess and it helped that she brought her boyfriend who was the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life, to this day. She graduated as I pushed my way through elementary school, broke up with the prince, my tiny heart broke. I overheard my parents whispering that she had married a hippie and they had sex under a waterfall on their honeymoon, WHICH for some reason translated to my little mind that they had to take a shower under a waterfall because they were homeless and I felt bad for them.
When i was 14 and 15 I got in some trouble, which when I think about it now was just SOOOOO not trouble-real trouble -just stuff that confused my parents. They sent to Becky for a couple days or a week. She was super cool-managed a Record Bar in G'boro. I would go stay with her. She let me work in the store and paid me in records, :) And folks -let me just say the Record Bar in G'boro in 1975 was a ultra cool place to be for a Cullowhee girl. She talked to me like I was the Velveteen Rabbit-like I was real. I will never forget that.
Becky was born on 8/30/47 to a single woman-who quickly married-who was in the Air Force. She did not marry the father of her child and left the name of the father blank on the birth certificate. Becky grew up thinking her adoptive father was her father-not so sure he was that great. But her mom and step-dad were military so she attended 13 schools in 12 years-think about that! She graduated from Western with a degree in Health and Physical Education and taught at Canton Jr, HS for a while. She tried a couple other things and ended up at Record Bar-becoming store manager -the only female manager and eventually the first female regional supervisor. When the records stores failed she was very successful at managing the Health and Science bookstore at UNC. She would have been retired 2 years today.
She and her mother-my dad's Aunt Kate- had a falling out about 4 years ago and Kate has been in Hickory since then and my dad and I look after her. I love Aunt Kate and all her 93 year old repeated conversations but she never told Becky who her dad was even though Becky begged her. So Becky died without knowing who her paternal family was and she died alone. I think about her every day..every day. I dream about the 18 year old Becky but I have gone through all her pictures and she was just beautiful her whole life..just beautiful and cool! I now have framed Chic Corea posters from the 70'2s that I have no idea what to do with. And pictures of her with Chic Corea and pictures of her with Tina Turner and a dozen other great artists from the 70s and 80s.
The absolute BEST thing about this experience was calling a person she must have considered her closest friend to say ,"Hey, Becky left you her car-cream on the inside-cream on the outside!"
She was stunned and the thing she need MOST in this world was a car. She was the only person I enjoyed talking to at the apartment and did not hesitate to hug. GO BECKY! That was a great call and I really like your friend! "Smoke and socks" will mean nothing to anyone but me and I don't think I could explain if I had to. But cheers to Becky!

Smoke and Socks-part 3 ( oh the people you will meet!)

I met the most interesting women-always at the most irritating inopportune time-while I was down on one of my many Grinch-ing trips. My attire on these weekends was always hair in a haphazard ponytail, a tank top and grubby sweat pants that at any given time would work their way halfway down my hips and would have to pulled up at breaks. I'm pretty sure there was no butt crack action going on but it was close, SO to say I wasn't dressed for company is an understatement. Plus I was always sweaty and dirty a couple hours into it and this always seemed to the time the folks like to stop by. On the day my sister, Mary Beth ( Ms. 'I should have brought sage to burn counter to the negative energy in here'), went down with me we were visited by no less than seven women. After the fourth one , she said," my god, is it always like this!"
I said, "Just wait, chica, just wait til we get really stinky then we'll get a crowd! Like pilgrims to Mecca-no lie!"
Here is how it would go, I would be bent over some box or lifting something I had no business lifting or cleaning something yucky and I would look up and out the window there would be a lurker! Because they always lurked before they approached. They either drove slowly by and then drove slowly by again and then pulled in or they walked slowly by and walked by slowly again and then approached or they biked slowly by and biked slowly by again and then rode up. Every time as i watched the second pass lurk I would think to myself "PHUCK IT. Now I have talk to someone-AGAIN!"
The first time we saw lurkers on the Saturday Mary Beth went down with me, she said, "ARE THEY GOING TO COME TO THE DOOR??? "
"OH YEAH! They will get here eventually-here's the deal. If they will say I just heard about Becky, it's such a shock, what happened,etc. Then you just be solemn, tell them what happened and make comforting cooing noises while they tear up and talk about how they always stopped to talk to her,how much they liked her. Then you end up being the one to say, 'so sorry for your loss'. It's a little odd. Now if they say something like, is Becky moving, you have to be really solemn and explain she died, what happened and then make comforting cooing noises while they cry or WAIL-it has happened - usually they come in twos so they hug each other-so no hugging from us required. then they will say how they stopped by here everyday to talk to her and how much they liked her and you stand around awkwardly and then say you are sorry for their loss. Also be prepared for the 'do you mind if I have a memento?' comment. Let me handle those."
"ARE you serious! Hey your belly is showing."
"Yeah, I know I got to pull up my pants!"
On that particular day we had two sets of same sex partner neighbors-one set knew and wanted details and her wind chimes and another that had been away all summer and didn't know -they cried and hugged each other. Very nice ladies! One car lurker who was 75 if she was a day-got out of a HONDA with long grey hair down to her ass, which happened to be encased in the phucking tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen on anyone. She had on a halter top and was wearing two different kinds of painted shoes. She didn't know Becky was dead -although she talked about how close they were. She wailed-Mary and I just made the cooing noises. I give Mary credit-she caught on after the first couple of ladies and handled things like a champ. She is also slightly nicer than I am so she did the comforting better. As she left she pressed her card in my hand and said if I needed anything to call and could she have the jade dragon to remember Becky by...huh no. I kept the card face down and asked Mary-give a guess. She said artist and I said gypsy. when I turned the card over it said "Artist and Spiritual Adviser". We high-fived and got back to work.
Then there was the bearded lady, who was obviously just the complex busybody and a snob, asked what happened ,said she couldn't remember Becky's last name although she talked to her ALL THE TIME but she has trouble remembering the renter names as opposed to the owners because she has CRS and it causes short-term memory loss. She really got Mary's back up. After she left, Mary said, "CRS CRS! that is not a real condition-she made that up! I am googling that when I get home AND for god's sake in the day and age I have three words for her, LASER HAIR REMOVAL! CRS, my ass!"
The last lurker of the day was a familiar one, she lurked every time I went down. She would walk up and down the little parking lot until; at some point and time I would look up and there she would be nose pressed to the glass door-I would scream and she would wave. She never had a reason for being there after the first 'oh what happened' conversation. But there she would be and I would just offer her something..anything.
Mary said, "you mean she just comes to the door..."
"To say hello to me, she knows my name."
"And you just offer to give her something? And she takes it ?"
"Yes."
"What are you going to offer today?"
" The red wagon in front."
"Really?"
"Really. it keeps her from annoying me at the dumpster, she lives right in front of it."
And when she made the final approach that is exactly what I did. As Mary watched her strolling happily up the sidewalk with the red wagon,she turned to me and said, "If all these people loved Becky and stopped to talk to her EVERYDAY, how is it that she laid here dead for a week and no one knew?"
"That would be the mystery, grasshopper! Lying bitches I say but I am hot, nasty and tired. Let's go home."
"I should have brought some sage to burn to get rid of the negative energy."
"Mary, that's Becky's apartment. There is no negative energy!"
"I would have burned it outside the apartment!"
;)

smoke and socks -part 2

Think about this for just a moment, because I have, what if today someone had to come in and GRINCH your house-your furniture, every cabinet,every drawer,every closet,every picture,every knick knack, every box,your laundry room,your attic,your dressers,your desk,your refrigerator,your plants, your bills,your 17 umbrellas, your 30 pairs of Merell shoes,your front porch,your back porch. They had to come in and take EVERYTHING down to the last nail in the wall and they had a time limit and they drove a VIBE! A VIBE which with the back seats down would only accommodate Cam Newton and one small running back-if they spooned and drew their legs up and were in street clothes-well maybe only Cam Newton. BESIDE the point-sorry-a VIBE! Well I will just tell you it would take that person and friends alot of time.AND in Becky's case she had smoked in the apartment for 6 years so everything just smelled. YAY! So 8 trips to the PTA thrift store and 50 to the dumpster. 8 vibe trips home and really good friends who drove a rented truck and picked up the big stuff! You start out being compassionate with the STUFF and you end up being ruthless because you are tired.
All those things that we think are worth saving...like every birthday card we got-guilty as charged-really don't mean alot to your Grinch-your love letters from 20 years ago.. fascinating briefly cause your Grinch does not have time to read them.
Her apartment is now living in my living room or garage. Because of her love for everything oriental, my living room looks like a tarted up geisha wanna be. I will find new homes for all that. And I found I talked to her alot when I was down there by myself mostly like,"What the phuck is up with the rubber band ball, the freezer bag obsession...etc" BUT i took home 17 lighters, 15 rolls of paper towels, 27 different boxes and sizes of zip lock bags( I am set for life on the zip lock bags and do not for one minute think I am not grateful) So I Grinch-ed Becky's home and a part of her is here.
AND then there are the neighbors....sweet baby petshop pets...i met the oddest people....

socks and smoke-part one

or why I haven't blogged in a month.
Someone's death, whether expected or sudden, a blessing or a tragedy, is always life-altering for at least one other person.
I was sitting at my desk about 6 weeks ago and I got a call. The caller ID said UNC Bookstore. That was just odd. I picked it up and said,
"This is April." in my perky voice because most people who call me I don't know are usually calling because they are PISSED-the perkiness tends to stump the toe of the rhythm of their pre-planned rant-giving my perky ass a little advantage.
"Hello, I am sorry. " the caller is breathless and her voice is shaking. " I am sorry, I don't even know how to say this."
" Take a breath." I say because I am confused.
"ok I don't know how to ask this so I will just ask. Do you know Becky *??????"
"Yes, I do. She is my cousin..well not my cousin, my dad's cousin, first cousin but i guess my second cousin but yes I know her."
"Well the police...found her dead this morning. They are looking for her next of kin. I don't know how they found me, i used to work with her. You need to call this Sargent...."
There was some more confusing conversation...she had been dead a week...her friends couldn't remember my dad's name but thought i was a social worker-looked through her facebook friends..found a social worker..called me. I was stunned...I called my dad-he called the police and went down that day to take care of things.
Becky wasn't old-she had retired from UNC the year before, she was 62.
Three years before she had asked me to come down and get her antique bedroom suit...it was beautiful. She said she was simplifying her life and didn't want anyone else to have to deal with what she had to deal with when she moved her mother out of her apartment. Another part of this story that I will tell later. Then she asked if I would be her Executor and Heir-i said yes-because it just seemed like something so far in the future, i would forget about it before it happened. And I already had.
My dad called me the next night and said they found a copy of the will and it was all mine and i said , well yes I knew that.
He said, "April, we have her portfolio, you are going to get quite bit of money."
"Money?"
"Yes, money. I will leave you the key to the apartment and all her financial information as we drive back tomorrow. you have a lot of work ahead of you. you need to have the apartment cleaned out by the end of September"
I came home that day from work and looked at the financial information and realized my life would be forever altered by Becky's death.
A couple days later I drove to Carrboro and thought alot on the way down (when i was not nutting up because i was on the interstate) about what Becky said about how she was going to simply her life. When I turned the key and walked in...I realized..she had not gotten around to that yet. So I haven't blogged because besides my full time job and my hands full Spawn mom-ing I have been emptying my second's cousin's apartment every single Saturday and Sunday (5 hours round trip) for a month. I have had to meet with a lawyer, engage a clerk of court to open a safe deposit box for me and get to know my cousin room by room.
And she was wonderful and she had a story and I will tell it...in the next blog

just snakes! that is all..snakes

Dear Mr. Snake! ( or you sneaky asshole-as I like to refer to you behind your back-which is basically all you have ,you legless bane of my backyard existence asshole-ok i call you that too!)
Calming down now-just going to let you know this cat and mouse game you and me and MR. HOE have played for the past two months is going to end! I know, I know-it has been a amusing for you but frustrating for me and it has come to my attention that I may be becoming just a tad OBSESSED with killing you and no woman wants to be thought of as obsessive about anything -Spawn is giving me the "you might be crazy eye" when it comes to you so I am just going give you fair warning! I will kill you if it the last thing I do-nothing obsessive about that-lol. I am simply stating my 30 day goal to you. NOW-there a couple things you could do to make this easier-please, just let me catch you laid out IN A STRAIGHT LINE coming across the lawn to your hidey hole! YES- I know where you live but since it is under the house you are SAFE from a home invasion. Nice job of hiding from the Terminex man last week--oh yes i asked if he saw you..he didn't. I know you think it's clever to sort of weave yourself in and out and around things so MR.HOE can't get a kill shot but I am willing to let the grass grow tall so you can hang out in it and I can mow you over-so an option-i dream about that actually.
And just so you know-I am all about diversity-this has nothing to do with the color of your skin, the shape of your head, the fact you don't have like legs or shit-it has to do with the fact you are in my YARD!
The point of all this is-MR. HOE and I will get our moment OR you could MOVE the hell on. It could be your perfect revenge! I never see you again...and I become a bitter old woman..sitting in the dark rambling about the asshole who got away. Win-win-cause i will probably a bitter old woman anyway at some point -the point when I can't wield the mighty MR. HOE and kill one stupid asshole snake! ok maybe i am boarding the "killing a snake " crazy train. never mind..having a beer..gonna relax..hope i don't see ya..wouldn't want to be ya! ;)

hummingbirds and gift cards!

So, several months ago my FAVORITE team of people gave me a gift card for a ridiculously large sum for some thing or another I had done. They stood in front me looking at me expectantly as I opened the gift card to.......a spa. One of them said, "it's for a full body massage!!!". There was all sort of cooing about how I needed to pamper myself..relax etc. I smiled and cooed too-so great! thanks you guys!..the whole time I am thinking...oh hell NO. Hello, My name is April and I have a massage phobia! I really, really appreciated the gift and that they like me, really like me-lol-but I would have rather gotten a gift card to Auto Zone! Recently I was in there for first time and I hope only time, on a blazing hot Sunday, waiting for them to come check my car battery and confirm it's demise and charge me a bunch of money for a new one. And I had a chance to look around that store over and over again while WAITING.... and it has to be the most boring store in the universe. BUT i would take a gift card to there and just stock up on all sorts of crap I had no idea what it was than get a gift card to a spa for a full body massage!
Here are my problems with massages at spas-I have never actually had one, by the way. One, I am a hummingbird in a box-except when i am sleeping. The closest i come to relaxing is floating in the pool, reading a book, twirling my hair and wiggling my toes to the music on the radio. Just so you know I have been told by other people they find it impossible to relax watching me relax. Second I am terrified, TERRIFIED that I will get turned on during a massage.
like in a panting , uncontrollable, make a fool of yourself way! For some reason to me this would be the equivalent to getting up to give a speech and realizing you are naked or going to wal-mart in pajamas. It just terrifies me. I plan to work on this phobia ...never... but get THIS!!!! With a gift card you don't have to get what the people who gave it to you for -you can get something else. AND it took me three months to figure that after I finally confessed to one of the team members why I had not used the gift card. She looked at me like I was a moron and said then get a deluxe pedicure! Bless you, my child! Damn gift cards can be so complicated...beer is always a good gift! just sayin! ;)

check marks,smiley faces and a GOOD mental age

S-"MOM!!!!!"
M-"WHAT!!!!"
S-"What is this?!"
M-"What?!"
S-"These check marks with smiley faces on the calendar?????!!!"
M-"Booty calls."
S-"MOM!"
M-"OK i have started marking off the days until you graduate and move away." ;)
S-"MOM, are you pregnant!!!!!!?????"
M-"WHAT!"
S-"Because that would be DIS-gusting!"
M-"AND I am pretty sure IM-possible..just sayin!"
S-"Are these date nights...sexting nights??? What do these mean???"
M-"Son, those are nights/days that i ran-walked/ran-ran/walked."
S-"oh"
M-"What is the deal?"
S-" I have decided that except for the fact that you work all the time and you know, pay the bills and buy groceries and keep the house clean and mow and stuff like that, your mental age is SIX! And that needs to change!"
M-"I have decided your mental age is SIX! Want to have cookie time and watch South Park?"
S-STARE
M-STARE
S-"Ok but please stop feeling the need to tell me at every commercial, 'YOU REALIZE THIS IS SATIRE'. I get it,Mom."
M-"Ok but my mental age is really more like 15 with a WHOLE lot more maturity than I had at 15."
S-"MOM-you are 50, at the very least your mental age needs to be 40!"
M-"What if my mental age at 40 was 15?"
S-"I can't talk to you! My mental age is 23."
M-"DREAM on, baby boy. Although since most 23 year old men have a mental age of 14 and you are 14-you can probably stay in a holding pattern for the next 8 years. But don't baby, try to grow! Cookie Time! and you realize that South Park..."
S-"MOM! Please stop talking!"

"MOM, this is why you aren't girlfriend (wince) material!!" by SPAWN

S-"I don't know why you date! YOU will never be girlfriend material! It's just a waste of time, Mom!"
M-"Specifically...why, do ya think?" ;)
S-"ok one, you are OLD."
M-"ok and...what if I am dating old men."
S-"OMG-you are not attractive, Mom! I know you think you are but you aren't. You are all tatted up and sometimes you dress horribly! the tan stuff..disgusting!"
M-"AS WE HAVE DISCUSSED BEFORE 2 TATTOOS IS NOT TATTED UP!
S-"2 in a year, MOM! 2 in a year!"
M-" OK so, IF i date men as old as me and they are not offended by the tattoos or the tan and my general and fashion unattractiveness...what?"
S-"They would have to just be companions."
M-"Companions?"
S-"YES!"
M-"HUH?"
S-"I am sure your lady parts have shut down, so just companions."
M-"My lady parts shut down like when..do ya think"
S-"sometime after 40."
M-"you don't know for sure?"
S-"I know the alternative is disgusting!"
M-" OK SO if a man-let's take the lady parts out it -found me a funny,intelligent,barely attractive COMPANION?"
S-"He would be a MORON!"
M-"ok! I will have to find me one of those."
;)
I am not girlfriend material because I am working hard- at work,around the house,trying to parent and I don't have much free time. But I am funny,intelligent and tatted up-lol and my lady parts still work! ;)

is my penis unattractive and other burning questions!

Spawn-tanous/ Mommy Chat
S-"MOM,MOM,MOM!!!!"
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
S-"PLEASE TELL ME I AM CIRCUMCISED!!!!!!"
M-"You are circumcised!"
S-"NO-HAVE I BEEN CIRCUMCISED???"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into my..my,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"

Spawn/Mommy DAY! shank, shank, SHANK!

S-"I stayed up til 1:30 texting. AND slept til 11:00"
M-" Do you want breakfast, lunch or a PARADE!"
S-"You are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to!"
M-"k"
************
S-"Smell me, Mom!"
M-"NO"
S-"seriously, smell me! I just took a shower and I smell already!"
M-"BOYS stink-i don't need to smell you to know that."
S-" But smell me! Seriously!"
M-"Seriously, NO"
************
S-"You realize you are old enough to be my grandmother."
M-"you realize you are old enough to be someone else's random child."
S-"What?"
M-"I was addicted to birth control pills for a very long time son. It's a sad story but true. I was so crazy addicted I waited until I COULD afford a child to have one! CRAZY-don't do drugs! McGruff and all that shit!"
************
M-"So I have been trying to win tickets on the radio for SummerJam-Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, Keri Hilson AND if I win them we can go together! Me and you baby!!! ( This is not true but sometimes I just want to pull his chain and it is SO easy!)
S-"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!"
M-"What?"
S-"I would never, NEVER go to a hip hop concert with you-EVER"
M-" so if I won the tickets to see your FAVORITE artist, you would not go?"
S-"Not with you..that is just disgusting mom!"
M-" I have been to concerts before."
S-" just DISGUSTING"
M-:)
***************
S-"If I jump up and spin and around. I can never land flat on my feet. Watch! Watch! Watch!"
***************
S-"I am so bored! SUPERLY BORED!"
M-"ME TOO! You could mow the lawn!"
S_"YOU are impossible to talk to"
*********************
S-"I need to talk to you about the shampoo in my bathroom! WAY to girly!"
M-"It's coconut?"
S-"WAY too girly!"
********************
M-" I love this song!
S-"It is SO lame! SO lame"
M-"not the part about "I just want a quickie..the part about .."
S-"Please stop talking now. I think I am going to be sick!"
***********************
S-" OMG smell me now!"
M-"NO!"
******************
The day is almost over-I don't know whether to shank myself, pinch him really hard when he isn't looking or drink alot! I am going with the drinking! :)

just stuff :)

Here is the thing about me....I have become, tragically, swirly, spin around and fall in fresh cut grass, happy with myself. :)
I like how i look in the mirror-full length,phuckers!
I go to work everyday and solve big problems. I pay all my bills and deal with all the money pit shit this house has to throw at me on what seems like a weekly basis. i battle the Spawn daily and try to navigate the pitfalls of being the old ass parent of a teen. And for now I think I am winning.
Really not a big fan of " love" and I don't think I ever will be again. But today I cleaned Spawn's bedroom because he is on vacation. I laid down on his bed after I put on clean sheets and made the bed and thought about all the times I watched him sleep in this bed or laid down beside him. I felt my heart swell and this love,this love I will always be a fan of. Then I cleaned his bathroom and I am so phucking glad he is gone for a week I can't stand it-sooooo disgusting! OMG! And i have not looked at at chicken nugget/hotdog/mini corndog for four days-YAY. NO whining..."soooooo bored", no snide comments,no eye cuts, no 14 year old advice on how to manage my life! Ahhhh peace!

Wow-sorry-so happy with myself in an empty house! :)

Got Milk!

Dear Spawn,
Very sweet of you to call Mommy at work to say you would like a bowl of cereal but the milk expiration date was 2 days ago. This being the 2nd "possible bad milk" call I have gotten since summer vacation began, I have 3 words for you, "SMELL it SON!" I don't know when this obsession with the milk exp. date started I don't give a rat's ass about the date on the milk! Bad milk is the freakin easiest thing to detect-smell it! Is the bottom full of curds and whey????I had some this morning-it wasn't bad! Please feel free to call me at work if the house is on fire or you are considering experimenting with drugs but please don't call me about milk again.I realize you, like think, I don't do shit at work but sit on my ass and earn money for you but seriously-I do, kind of, have to work ,when i am at work! No lie!
Thank you.
Mommy

The field of 14 year old boredom...sigh

Spawn-taneous and Mommy chat
S-"MOM!"
M-"Yes?"
S-"I see that you just finished mowing the back yard..that you mowed half of yesterday. Can you explain that to me?"
M-"hahhahha-not that i HAVE to son, but i am perfecting the half-ass mowing technique." :)
S-"What?"
M-" I mow half of the yard, sit on my ass, have a beer and mow the other half the next day. It is soooo working for me. I plan on writing a research paper on how half-ass mowing extends your lifespan!!!"
S-"Stop talking, Mom, really. Can I ask -WHY you leave the mower outside the shed after you mow???? Even when you know it might rain???"
M-"That little mower works HARD.."
S-"..because you refuse to pick up sticks.."
M-"..it loves sticks AND I leave it outside because rain is god's own lawnmower car wash! Don't you think that mower loves the feel of the summer rain cooling it's little red body..."
S-"Just STOP talking..."
M-...like a lawn mower spa bath.."
S-"MOM-you can't get the front wheels lifted up high enough to get it in the shed,can you???"
M-"No, no I can't" :)
S-"Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here???"
M-" COULD YOU!!! COULD YOU, PLEEEZE! Could you work full time and pay the bills and keep the house clean, cook and wrangle a 14 year old spawn. That would be AWESOME, son. I pass the crown to you!"
S-"WHATEVER! Are you texting while we are talking!!!!!"
M-"Yes, you do it me all the time! AND although I may not be able to consistently get the mower in the shed, I can multitask!"
S-"You are texting and smiling. PLEASE tell me you are not sexting in front of me!!"
M-"I am NOT sexting!"
S-"Because seriously ,Mom, who is going to want to have sex with you..seriously! You are old as dirt and all tatted up..disgusting!"
M-" Watch yourself, son! Two tattoos is not "tatted up" and I am thinking, blind guys! I think they might find EVEN me attractive! I am trolling for blind guys..just so you know." :)
S-"NOT FUNNY! Who are you texting and smiling with?"
M-" Your dad."
S-" Then why are you smiling???"
M-" He just texted me the dates he plans on taking you on vacation-FOR A WEEK! For some odd reason-the thought made me SMILE! "
S-" GREAT, Mom-real nice!"
M-"Love you BABY!"
S-"Whatever, love you too. Could you buy me something to make my boredom go away?"
M-" No and it is the first week of summer...get ready to lay in the field of boredom for a while"
S-" Buy me a new game...buy me a girl..buy me a growth spurt..buy me excitement...MOM!"
M-"UHHH, no. We done talking?"
S-"Yes. Do you see how sad this is-that I am so bored I have to talk to you."
M-"Yes, yes I do." :)

Cartoon Network and beaver picnics!

OK-after two weeks of personally battling the swarming termites,armed and in my own home with my now SEVEN cans of flying insect spray, I have decided to let the big guns have a shot. Not that I haven't killed like a million of them and enjoyed every minute of it but they don't seem frightened by my hot ,long-legged, tanned, armed with death spray, bad-ass self. I called the big bug people-they are sending an inspector out tomorrow.
The scheduling dude said " Ma'am, your inspector (lol) will be out tomorrow between 4 pm and 6 pm."
M-"Will he have a bug on the truck???"
Dude-"No ma'am we don't have bugs on our trucks. Your inspec-TOR's name is Rocky Bravo and he will have proper ID."
M-"Hahahahahaha!"
Dude-"Excuse me?"
M-"Seriously-his name is Rocky Bravo..seriously?"
Dude-"YES it is."
M-" I wonder if he is kin to Johnny Bravo????"
Dude-"what?"
M-"Awesomely funny cartoon on Cartoon Network about 10 years ago!!!"
Dude-"OK Ma'am-Johnny will be there tomorrow between 4 and 6."
M-"Rocky"
Dude-"What?"
M-"Rocky will be here, Johnny Bravo is a cartoon."
Dude-"yes, Rocky. thank you for calling."
I am sooooooooo excited!!!! A bug inspec-TOR named Rocky Bravo is coming to my house tomorrow to tell me how many billions of dollars i am going to have to spend to protect my house from getting chewed like wood at a beaver picnic! ain't nothing wrong with a beaver picnic as long as it isn't your wood...i mean house!
Anyway-i am pretty psyched about meeting Rocky Bravo and this led Spawn and I to have a conversation about all the great cartoons I suffered through that he loved...and we agreed Dexter's Laboratory was our favorite. He doesn't remember Johnny Bravo but I do :)

math and masturbation-only one is fun :)

So on Sunday I pass Spawn's door on my way to bed and KNOCK and open the door. There is this flurry and rustle of paper under the covers and a cover to the chin move and a bit of red facedness (my word!) on both red faces!
m-"Uhh, good night."
S-"uhh, good night."
Well, that was awkward, I thought as I closed the door and went on to my room to bed.
The next morning I remember, CRAP, Spawn had all weekend to finish the last 20 questions in his EOC algebra 1 booklet and I forgot to remind him and it was due TODAY!
m-"SPAWN, you have to finish the last 20 questions in your booklet!!!"
S-" I did last night."
m-"You did???"
S-"Yes Mom-when you thought you caught me masturbating, I was working on the math but I thought i should hide it from you because I didn't want you to FREAK because I forgot til the last minute. You should have seen your face last night!!! It was priceless!!!"
m-"ha ha"
S-"Hey, want to know something I remembered after you closed my door last night."
m-"maybe..."
S-"I remembered clear as a bell a conversation we had when i was five and I told you it felt good to touch my pee pee and you said "sure it does and the great thing is, it always will. Just make sure when you want that good feeling you take to your room and close the door and until you are 30 you will need to clear anyone else touching your pee pee through me. Mom rule."
m-"wow, i am sure i said just that..i just can't believe you remember it."
S-"CLEARLY. and just so you know, you will never CATCH me masturbating."
m-" OH thank goodness! careful planning is key! you are such a good kid!"
S-"and I got the math done"
:)

the mancave and story of your birth, my baby!

I have spend the majority of my well-deserved week off turning your GIGANTIC playroom into a man cave for your 14th birthday tomorrow. All week I have been painting this 26' by 16' room-2 coats-thank ya! When I bought this house I thought WOW- this is a big phucking room-front room-big bay window. The house has another living room smaller with a fireplace..I moved my pretty small amount of furniture in there and gave over the big room to 4 year old you and your LEGIONS of toys!! Moms-I just want to say-if you can have a playroom-do it! You can keep the rest of your house toy free AND when you look in it and think-" I should clean this!" the toy proliferation that seems to happen when you sleep at night is SO overwhelming-you just walk away and hope your child can tunnel their way out! :)
So I have spent 3 days painting over the cheerful green and yellow walls, the blackboard wall, the height marks (SOB) with a deep wine (SOB) cause that is what you picked. you have been ruthless in de-junking the room.
M-"oh look baby-your fossil box!"
S-"Toss it!"
So it is finished-wine-with a futon, side chairs, a pool table, CD player and a big-ass flat screen tv-your request to mount it on the wall- i said hahhahahahahaha...uh no. not in my skill set! :)
I know it bothers you that I am so much older than your peers' parents and I say 2 words-"SELF-AWARENESS. GET it, embrace it and live it! It will make others in your wake safer!"
I was not ready for a long time to be someone's parent until i got me where i needed to be. I am a planner! ( AND can i just say-this is a little off topic BUT-i did not find there to be ONE appealing thing about being pregnant-not one-it AMAZES me that so many of my clients have tons of kids-AMAZES me..sorry ..done now)
So Spawn, imagine my surprise when exactly one month before my due date-i had an odd thing happen! I told your dad-hey weird thing happened-i think my water broke. He said ...nah.. call the doctor. So I called the doctor who was on call for my practice...we will refer to him henceforth as DR. Asshole! So Dr. Asshole listened to me and said..."hummmmm sounds like vaginal pooling." I laughed outloud!!!!! "Really, really..wow that sounds kinda good!"
"I am leaving the hospital at 11-if it would make you feel better,come to the hospital and I will check to make sure."
Thank you pompous asshole "I think I will do that! Thanks!"
So I told your Dad-I am going to drive myself to the hospital to let Dr. Asshole see if I have vaginal pooling!
Since your brother and sister lived with us-he was kind of stuck-I told him I would be fine and set out for the hospital. I had only had one Lamaze class and it was kind of the touchy-feely get to know everyone class but the only thing I remembered from the class was " hard candy" so when i had my second contraction on the way to hospital -i thought-holy shit I need to get some candy!!! So I pulled off at a convenience store right before the hospital and got confused about the candy so i bought a Butterfinger and some Swedish Fish. When I got there there was a girl in front of me telling the check-in person about her painful peeing and my contractions were getting a little stronger and I stood there behind her thinking-MOVE-it is either a bladder infection or VD but it hardly warrants an 8:00 ER visit. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to kick that booty-shorted, halter topped bitch in the ass...but i was in sweats and slightly FAT!
I got upstairs and Dr. Asshole examined me and said "Yes-you are in labor.. it may be 8 to 12 hours til you give birth...your doctor will be on duty in the morning..good luck!"
AND then something happened to me that has never happened to me before. I stood up to a doctor.
In front of three people I said " EXCUSE ME! DO NOT leave this room! I saw my doctor yesterday and she said my baby was FULL Breach-you know butt first-legs over his head..She was going to try and turn him on Monday!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I felt the bony head!"
I glared at him and he glared at me and I said " FULL BREACH YESTERDAY!"
Everybody in the room looked at him and he was pissed!!!!
He asked the nurse to bring him the sonargram machine and you could tell he was convinced he was right but my gown-draped all alone ass was not going to back down!!! For once and for the right reason!
so they checked you out and he looked at me and said-"Your baby is full-breach and I am leaving at 11 pm so call anyone you have to because you will having a baby in the next 30 minutes-C-section."
He stalked out and the nurses just grinned at me! yeah bony head my ass-well your ass actually!
I called my parents and your dad-nobody made it on time but I had a great anesthesiologist who said " Hey, you want to stay with you."
"You mean up here, where my head is alive but the rest of my body is numb..hee hee i am a talking head!"
"ok I will stay"
"I love you and hope he has your eyes!"
And we laughed-i would have laughed if i could and your dad came at the end and when they tried to bathe you your legs kept popping back over your ears. You were beautiful!
I am amazed that I have kept you alive for 14 years and that you are so not an asshole!
You are my heart and the very best thing that I have ever done!

weed eaters and vibrators :)

Spawn-taneous /mommy conversation
M-"Spawn, even though I know you have clicked your ruby red LaBrons heels together and wished, the front lawn IS NOT going to mow ITSELF, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!"
S-"Now that you bring this up, can we talk about why you mow the backyard in three sections?"
M-"You know I don't like WHY questions."
S-"I know, Mom,"never explain" blah,blah,blah..why?"
M-"I like to break the job up." :)
S-"Sooooo, you like to break up a THIRTY minute job up into 3 ten minute sections."
M-"Yes."
S-" So a job that should take 30 minutes is broken up into 3 10 minute jobs with a 15 minute break between each job making a 30 minute job into SIXTY minute job. Do you see where I am going with this ,Mom?"
M-" No, because that's math and I try to avoid math when possible. Plus the breaks don't feel very jobish-you know what I mean-they feel more BREAKISH!" :)
S-"OK, let me ask you this, why do you start mowing at the top of the yard near the shed where we store the mower, instead of starting at the bottom of the yard and mowing up so that you finish mowing where the mower is stored? Do you understand what I am saying? You push the mower all the way back up a mowed yard to the shed."
M-" Good point! Why do you deposit dirty clothes in five different rooms in the house rather than say..... centrally depositing them in, I don't know, a dirty clothes basket where they are all together when you get ready to wash them? This would save the scavenger hunt time when it is laundry time."
S-"Mom, you are deflecting."
M-"Spawn, this whole conversation is classic avoidance....MOW the front YARD."
S-"Could you wear clothes when you mow? Could you do that?"
M-" Could you do more annoying???? Please!!!"
S-" I would be willing to take the backyard off your hands for an extra 10 bucks."
M-" So what you are saying is you would be willing to take on a job in addition to the job that ONE out of every TWO times , I end up doing because of I-Pad,text, TV,PS 3, AND if all else fails homework interference?"
S"You are just harsh, Mom, harsh! never mind-forget I brought it up!"
M-"What were we talking about anyway???"
S-"Are you making any progress with finding a weed eater we can buy and use???"
M-"Working on it!!!!"

Now what I did not tell him was I have been researching weed eaters on-line and I am having as much trouble picking out one as I did picking out a vibrator! The choices are overwhelming and they all seem attractive and shiny and do a multitude of things! Honestly I am having as much trouble picking between the Husqvarna 28 cc 2 cycle curved -shaft string trimmer and the Troy Bilt 25c 4-cycle straight shaft multi thingy as i did trying to decide between the Big Bob Multi-Speed disco light vibrator and the Amazing Big Shaft vibrator with multiple functions( housework not one of them). What I wish is, in both cases is I could find a "tool" (lol) that they just accurately label "big enough,easy to handle and gets the job done" YAY!!!! I am buying that!

and no...I am not a COUGAR...lol

So last week a very sweet woman asked me at work, " So you are turning 50 and single, are you a COUGAR???"
I laughed and said , "If you mean do I or would I date younger men, the answer is NO."
She asked why? She doesn't know me well. lol
I said, "Because I consider myself a very smart cupcake!"
She said, "You mean COOKIE."
I said, "No, I mean cupcake."
Another person in the room mumbles to her, "walk away, walk way!" She does, I wink at the mumbler-who DOES know me well!
I SO LOVE men my age!!!! So love them!!! or a couple years older! We are on the same on the same plane heading for the same destination! We have been on similar trips and we GET it! We have been there and done that more than once AND we have finally learned our lessons!! GOOD god there is something to be said for that! We got our own stuff and we ain't gonna lay down on the floor and let somebody walk over us and take it...cause we have been there and done that! lol
And men my age are smart and funny and finally,finally done being boys. I find that they are, maybe for the first time, comfortable with themselves. And this leads to men who are just fun and loving and quite frankly, sweet! And very sexy..all of that in a man is very sexy!

AND they don't play games...and by that i mean VIDEO games...I would hate for my hotness to like, interfere with a kill or a race or a country takeover on a video game.
Were guys my age cool when i was 15-oh hell No-are they the best now, oh yes,oh yes ,oh yes!

shopping..shank! and crotch covers :)

I HATE shopping! HATE it! Food shopping, clothes shopping, car shopping,appliance shopping,electronic shopping,shoe shopping, card shopping, gift shopping, shopping for bargains, shopping around...HATE it! So when Spawn said this week, "We have to go shopping for some warm weather clothes, Mom." I was alarmed!
M-"Don't you have plenty of stuff from last year??!!!??"
S-"MOM, surprising as it may seem, i have grown in a year!"
M-"REALLY?"
S-"Really! And we need to go to the mall."
M-" WHAT! We can go to Target. Target is good!"
S-" the MALL..the stores I like are at the mall."
I let this sit for a couple days because we agreed to go on Friday, I was off and he had a half day of school.
M-" you know , we have a limited amount of money to spend,sooooo if we go to Target or Kohl's we could get more clothes for that money AND if we go to the mall (shudder) you may only be able to get a couple things. :)"
S-" I am aware of that."
M-"ohhhhh K-Mart!!! we could get a boatload of clothes at K-Mart!!! Son, when I was a kid I used to have to get my clothes from skycity...."
S-"MOM! the mall! K-MART..pleeeezee!"
ok...so I haven't been in a MALL for 13 years..NO LIE. I think my wiring is odd and all the lights and people and NOISE cause me to nut up! But I decide I will do this...ding dang it!
So we go and when we get out of the car and are walking toward the mall he looks at me and says, "OMG!! look at what you are wearing!!!"
M-"what??"
S-"A too little sweatshirt, with a big shirt under it, that sticks out and it's ORANGE!!"
M-" I had this on when we left the house. I AM OFF WORK TODAY!"
S-"I didn't pay attention-stay in my general direction but try not to look like you are with me."
OMG!!!
Well-we wind our way to Hollister-the mecca of teen shopping and Spawn asks if i can just wait outside the store until he is ready to make purchases and I say hell no. So he directs me to the girl side of the store -to a corner and says just wait here and DO NOT sway to the music-LOL. Can I just say-that store is cramped--i think. Anyway i stand there...the human credit card...watching our young people twitter by. Hee hee-they sell shorts that can only be described as crotch covers! Well, the thing is , I am in the jeans corner.. and I need a pair, so i try on a pair( yes I moved from my assigned spot-lol) and they fit and they are 40% off. So -yay-I will have actually accomplished something on this hellish b-day afternoon. When Spawn was ready to check out and I laid the jeans on the counter, he looked at me with disbelief!
S-"Are you buying those for YOU????"
M-"Yes."
He shook his head, snarled his lip and walked out of the store.
M-"So what's the deal?"
S-"It is sooooo disgusting and humiliating to have your OLD mom buy a pair of Hollister jeans!! so humiliating..plus you were moving to the music-I SAW you!"
M-"Son, I can take this stuff back and we can go to K-Mart and nothing I buy for me will humiliate you! So what do you say, dude????"
S-" No never mind!!!!"
M-"I don't change the rules on you everyday..you know what they are and like them or not-they are the rules. YOU can't change the rules on me everyday and expect me to follow them. I know generally what embarrasses you and I try to avoid it. OK?"
S-" OK"
M-"I love these jeans tho-they really hug my ass and ride low enough so you can see my tramp stamp!"
S-"MOM!!!"
;)

beer,boobs and 50

I am more excited about turning 50 than I have been about turning any other age, except for 16. 16 was AWESOME! I had boobs-finally! I had a fake college ID cause i was auditing a class and they let you write your DOB in! AND I had a license! So I could cruise..I could drive to Fatman's in Waynesville and push my fake ID across the counter and buy BEER! I felt that 16 was HARD-EARNED and that I had earned it!
I am giddy about turning 50! and i feel it is HARD-EARNED...hard-earned and so happy to be here. But this birthday I am very aware, it is hard-earned ..by
my parents and step-parents: sorry -thanks for surviving me and loving me
my sibling:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
my exes:-thanks for surviving me and loving me ;)
my best friends:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
Spawn: thanks for surviving!!!! and loving me -even though you can't show it anymore
While 16 seemed to be MY hard-earned birthday-50 seems to be the hard-earned one that belongs to everyone I have ever known...and me.
Most important for me..I think if I could sit across a table from the 16 year old me now..she would be proud..for a moment -before she got bored!
And I still have my boobs AND i can still buy beer AND I don't have to ask to borrow the car! Seriously! Does it get any better than that! I think not!

Spawn and the Bus!

Today, before I left work, I got an e-mail from a co-worker that said, "Last night I overheard my daughter telling her sister about how DISGUSTING all the boys on her bus were. She went on to say that the only boy on her bus who wasn't DISGUSTING and crude was your son (his name) AND that he was the only boy on the bus that didn't use foul language. You must be doing something right." HOT DAMN..that made me happy! I went back and re-read it of course to make sure it was his name and then I was really happy! You all know it is my quest to raise a man who is honest, empathetic, thoughtful, loving, hardworking, respectful and not an ASSHOLE or DISGUSTING!!!!! YAY..one down..for now. I teared up a little and car-danced all the way home. I got home and ran in the house calling his name, he mumbled a greeting and I pounced on him! (He loves that!)
M-"Spawn, stand up! Full frontal mommy/boy HUG!!!!"
S-"WHAT! MOM!"
M-"Put the controller down and hug me!!!"
S-"mumble mumble mumble...what????"
I explained the e-mail and how proud I was that a girl did not find him disgusting and SINCE I know he cusses that our many conversations about when and where it is appropriate had taken hold. I was beaming, he was pretty horrified.
S-"Whatever mom..who is the girl?"
M-"What?"
S-"Who is the girl????"
M-"What difference does it make?"
S-"It makes a difference..cause if she is 7th grader or a geek or..........."
The conversation went downhill after that and I wasn't able to pull it back up. Apparently the value of the compliment depending on the "hotness" of the girl who gives it! :)
Even his lack of enthusiasm did not dim mine!
This has been a bumpy year for Spawn and me, with the tattoos and my "POST mid-life crisis". In the past year my ability to "totally and completely humiliate" him with my very presence has risen dramatically...which amuses me , much to his frustration. There has also been an increase in even my smallest actions "ruining" his life! I have explained to him several times that I am pretty sure ruining your child's life on a regular basis is part of the parental job description! But after a year of he and I finding our footing together in our new "single parent household", it's nice to know I haven't totally phucked him up, yet. In the next 30 days he will turn 14 and I will turn 50 and I have optimistic about our next 4 years together. May the humiliating and ruining continue at an acceptable level. And may Spawn continue to not be DISGUSTING! Makes me sooo proud! ;)

Rockin the Girlie-part two

I have a friend who wears more make-up than I have seen anyone wear since a certain preacher's wife was on TV. It looks good on her-don't get me wrong-it's just ALOT. I always found this secretly fascinating..in terms of the time it must take and what not. So about a year ago she said to me, "You know, you would would look so much more attractive with make-up!!! :)"
Because I have never had make-up application skills I tend to NOT wear it. Not saying I didn't have it-I did- i just usually by-passed in my morning routine-often without noticing!
M-"Really?"
Her-"Not criticizing but you have pretty eyes and you wear no eye makeup. Eye makeup would really make your eyes POP! :)"
M-"You are of course not aware of this but I was called, "POPEYED FROG GIRL" for much of my youth. Therefore making my eyes pop has never been a priority!"
Her-"Well, maybe with time they have have shrunk into your face, cause they could use some popping! :)"
M-"ARE you a motivation speaker??? Cause you SUCK at it if you are!!!"
Her-" :) How about you try mascara-that's all, just wear mascara every day and we can add the other things later :)"
phuck :)!!!
ok I decide in my 50th year I will try mascara..what the hell. OK-I find it really difficult and the fact that women doing while driving blows me away! I find that I have to plant my feet in a wrestler's stance in front of the mirror and apply apply apply. I am better at it a year later but there were alot of eyeball stabs and misplaced blackness for a while.
Her-" The next is eyeliner...very important!!!! :)"
M-"SERIOUSLY!"
Her:"AND let's get some mascara on those lashes under your eyes!:)"
M-"LOL-oh hell no!"
I struggled with eyeliner for months!!! But i got semi-half-assed at it and did for for about 4 months and then I forgot one morning and realized I just did not give a shit about the eyeliner!
There was more instruction about under-eye liner and foundation and powder and blush. AND lipstick! I did find through all of this that I really like pink lipstick. I have tried to stay consistent with the mascara and the lipstick and I have no clue whether it actually makes me look better but it satisfies my girlie!
Other than that the only other thing I use is a Bonnie Bell bronzer that my friend Tracy Ross taught me to use when I was 15. She was a great make-up teacher but I have forgotten everything but that. I think the bottom line for me is my face has a slack ass keeper and has come to accept the state of it's unmadeupness! :)
Mascara and pink lipstick-that's me ..rockin my girlie!

Spawn and the GIRL..and a mouse

Spawn met a girl visiting her grandparents(who live in our neighborhood) over the x-mas holidays. she lives out of state. There has been some texting action going on-I am aware of it. Lately some phone calling..again aware.. BECAUSE he tells me about it! She will be thereafter referred to as "GIRL".
S-"GIRL is a vegetarian..she believes animal flesh is nauseating."
M-"Wow -that is awesome for her! Nauseating is always good! Mini-corn-dogs for supper, with fresh spinach and raw carrots?"
S-"Sure"
S-"GIRL writes poetry...she calls it her laments"
M-"Spawn, 14 year old girls ALL lament!!!!!! It is an inexplicable developmental stage for teenage girls!! They lament, pine, despair, sigh and write poetry about lamenting and pining! "
S-"What?"
M-"NEVER mind...."
S-" GIRL paints and draws -she is an artist-like you, Mom!"
M-" That is AWESOME! awesome..."

S-" GIRL listens to alternative rock. She wants me to listen to some of her favorite bands so I can kind of get into what she likes and feels."
M-" Awesome and I am all about you getting into what she likes and feels, since she lives across the country!! feel on, dude! What does she think about your rap?"
S-" That is downgrades women and has nothing substitutive to offer the world."
M-" But you can rock the booty to it , right?"
S-"Word!"
GIRL is not bothering me...not causing a ripple in my pond til last week....
MONDAY: Spawn is listening to inappropriate rap and killing people right and left on Black Ops-eating bacon and pancakes for supper..just another peaceful night at home! :)
TUESDAY AM: Shrieking like a baby girl -ME-"Mouse!!!!!!"
Rat Terrier nails clicking on the floor -Spawn behind her with a golf club- a driver, and for the next 10 minutes chaos in the kitchen trying to catch a mouse ( dog, boy and golf club!) -it got away....
TUESDAY PM-
M-" What in god's name are you listening to and why are you playing it over and over again????"
S-"GIRL'S favorite song right now-trying to get some insight into how she feels?"
M-"YAY-turn it off or use earplugs cause I cannot listen to that one more time!!!"
S-" you don't like it?"
M-"in a word -NO. Are you going to set these mouse traps???"
S-"Can you?"
M-"-oh hell yeah i can"
WEDNESDAY AM: mommy's peanut butter baited trap got the mouse! YAY! Woke up Spawn at the regular time!!
M-" got the mouse, got the mouse!!! want to see it!"
S-" I can't look at it. I am sad we caught it and now it's dead."
M-"WHAT?"
S-"I talked to GIRL last night and she is concerned we don't have an animal friendly house and so I am I, Mom."
M-"WHAT!!!!"
S-"that mouse was just seeking a warm place to live and we killed it"
M-"SO does this mean you are not going to free the dead mouse from the trap and throw it in the woods?"
S-"I can't...it makes me sad."
M-" YOU who kill squirrels and EAT them??? This makes you sad?"
S-"yes.. I am starting to rethink that..."
M-" Fine!"
S-"What are you going to do with it?"
M-" I am going to throw the mouse and the whole damn trap in the woods. AND son, that mouse would still be alive if it had tried to find it's warm place OUTSIDE! AND-can I just say girls don't know every thing! And truthfully I say to you over the body of this mouse, don't adjust yourself to fit the GIRL. Find a girl that fits you and you fit her...just the way you are. Alot of grown-ups haven't figured this out and it leads to grown-up LAMENT."
S-" you are talking too much!"
M-"Fine!"
S-"Fine!"
This week we are back to rap and Black ops! :)
Until tonight....
S-" I think maybe I should go for the super religious girls...they are really cute and have never had a boyfriend..."
OMG....EEK

little gypsy in the palace

There is just something really nice about staying at someone's house, especially if it is super nice AND they aren't there!!! If I am not in my own home and don't have something to clean, or wash or create or fix..i am lost..seriously! I don't watch TV-i forgot to bring a book and this is the note I got on the kitchen ISLAND:
LOVIN:Do not attempt to take care of the dog in any way-I have someone who does that and should you be there when they come by-wave and mumble. DO NOT even think about lighting a fire in the fireplace-i think we both know why. DO not COOK anything-it is a very complicated gas stove-just don't. there is lots of food in the refrig-eat it cold or microwave it. Drink anything you want-enjoy the deck-do not attempt to uncover the hotub, skinny ass girl..and i mean that! You may use the jet tub in the master bedroom...sigh..DO not go through my shit or handle anything that looks valuable please,spastic girl! have fun! your friend
LOL
so I am just drinking,scampering from floor to floor,playing music loud and later i will take a long hot bath in his huge tub and i will sooooo go through his shit-lol-i won't really..not my style
and I will be gone before he returns
nice to be in a place where you have nothing to do at all but wander around with yourself for an evening :)

rockin' the girlie-part one

In the last year I have had this odd desire to embrace my inner and outer "girlie-ness". Spawn would say this is just another humiliating by-product of my "POST" mid-life crisis.
Several times over the past year my efforts have resulted in the "teacup man" blocking the door and saying absurdly hilarious shit like, " You are not leaving the house looking like that ,Missy!" He forgets that I can still pick him up off the floor and move him out of the way, except he does that "protester limp noodle" trick and we both end up on the floor. These incidents ended with me unable to breathe because I am laughing so hard or giving him the look that he calls "when you give me that look you seriously make me afraid you are going to sell me to gypsies when I am sleeping" look! PLEEZE..I don't know any gypsies...although..never mind! :)
I think I have made strides with the fashion girlie-ness. I try to wear more pink! Although i would prefer to just wear black and black or some other color and black. This past year I bought my first ever PAIRS of hot 4 inch hooker shoes! I find I like being 5"11. Those with some shortish professional black skirts and some cute tops-girlie!! I have not girlied as well as I should have over the winter cause it's phucking COLD! :) But I am getting the girlie fashion thing..it's a process! Pink and white nails-pink toenails-got that girlie going on! Making an effort to wear matching jewelry AND underwear. This really adds time to your morning get ready..I'm just saying.
Internally, I have tried to be ..huh..tried to be ..you know..softer and twirly-er and softer. I have decided " I am a princess and so shall I be treated!" This seems very girlie to me and makes some sense. I try to look at myself in the mirror every morning and repeat this but phuck-it either cracks me up or irritates me. Working on it!
I think I am making good ,steady progress with the girlie-ness EXCEPT for
HAIR AND MAKE-UP..having some major suckage with this girlie area!
I have no skill set in either area

TATS and that..part 2

I visited the picture of my tattoo at least once a week for about a month..waiting..for what I wasn't sure. When you ask people who have tattoos about getting a tattoo you never get the same answer.
"Does it hurt?"
"hell yes"
" like having a baby-hurts like hell at the time and then you simply forget about it when it's over"
"minor discomfort"
"i really didn't think it hurt that bad."
"doesn't really hurt at all" CHECK-choosing to go with this answer!
" Where is the best place to get a tattoo in terms of pain avoidance?????"
" the arm!"
"ankle!"
"thigh and the butt!"
"hip is good!"
"shoulder will be pain free! "
"any fat part-lol"
"avoid bony areas!!!" uh hell! well I'm screwed on this one
"What do I need to know before I go?"
"Don't drink the night before at all-makes it worse."
"drink before you go!"
"Go drunk"
"Better take a nerve pill before ya go!"
"Fine to drink the night before-doesn't matter on e way or another" CHECK-choosing to go with this answer.
The week before my birthday, I went to Beth's office and said, "This Saturday! I'll pick you up at 10:30 because I want to be there when they open, so I can go first!"
"Ahhh before the hungover riff raff stumbles in for their regular Saturday am tattoo!"
"Whatever!"
"You gonna have a few beers Friday night to build your courage up?"
" A few and a few of their buddies!! Did you decide you are getting?"
" Amnesty International symbol on my arm."
"Ahhhh cause nothing says , I am a sweet girl, like a little barbed wire tattooed on your arm!!!!"
"I AM AN ACTIVIST! You are getting little flowers and butterflies, what does that say about you"
"That I am a feisty, classy, intelligent, sexy princess and so shall I be treated!"
"BHAHAHAHA-nothing says feisty like a butterfly!!! YOU are a nut ball!"
"That too!"
For the past month I had endured daily grilling, arguing and pleading from Spawn about the tattoo.When i would calmly assert that YES I still intended to get one, he would have mock tantrums where he pretended to have seizures on the carpet when I said the word TATTOO. Those were fairly amusing to watch. In a nut shell-I was humiliating him, he would never be able to have friends over again , I was obviously going through a POST mid-life crisis ( since he determined i was too old for a MID-life crisis) I was too old for a tattoo and within months when my skin wrinkled to that of a 90 year old? my tattoo would look like a shriveled up prune of color, AND it was just TRASHY! WHITE TRASHY!
So it should come as no surprise the Saturday I picked to go was one when he wasn't home!
We were the first people there when they opened the doors and yet had to wait a bit because these people are LAID ASS BACK and in a hurry for nothing! Beth and I decided we would get ours done by the same person and she would sit with me while I got mine done and then I would sit with her.
So with great dread, excitement and sheer terror I got positioned sideways in a chair in the most awkward possible position with my pants pulled half down over my ass. WOW, so far..not so good! And I hoped like hell my granny was not watching from heaven-hoping it was her heavenly bridge day!
The artist started his tunes, sipped his coffee, chatted with Beth and started to work.
Can I just say... IT HURTS! No gray area here... HURTS!!!!!
After about 30 minutes, during which I did not whine, cry or sob like a baby, Beth walks around behind me to look.
"Looks good!"
"Is he done???!!!"
" No -he has just finished the outline! Gotta add the color!"
"I decided I don't WANT the color! " I'll take it as is!"
They both laughed and I got another 30 minutes of the same. I should have taken a nerve pill seriously!
But when it was over-whoever said you just forget about the pain was right. Beth got hers and we left two happy chicks and I was quite proud of myself!
Beth said, " I really liked "ROW BEE", didn't you? And what a cool name!"
"WHO?"
"ROW BEE, our tattoo guy, very cool , very laid back!"
"Do you mean ROBBY?"
"No, his name was spelled "Roby"... ROW BEE"
"No, Beth "Roby" is Robby with one b and besides he said his name was ROBBY!"
"oh I must have missed that part. Well, that is rather ordinary name for a tattoo artist"
" REALLY? Well, let me just say I am not getting a tattoo from a guy named SPIKE..got it!"
"got it!"
Always good to have a friend that will go with you to get a tattoo...and even though I can't actually see my tattoo without some major contortions in the mirror, I hear it looks good! ;)
And two months later I went back and got another one!

TATS and that..part 1

So about this time last year.... i decided to get a tattoo for my 49th birthday in April. The times I had thought about getting a tattoo in the 49 previous years would be ......not one. I have girlfriends that have beautiful tattoos and i have always thought they looked really good on them or at least not really bad but I never once thought of getting one.
Not a single Lovin, on my backyard family tree, has a tattoo. We have(disclaimer-does not apply to every LOVIN!!) church guilt, commitment issues, onion sensitivity, merging onto interstate panic, imaginary boyfriends, Lowder thighs (lol-Rams only),mentally ill dogs,the ability to knit,long legs, a love of reading...but no tattoos.
I made this decision,in my tiny head! I would get a tattoo and I wanted it in the middle of my lower back,right above my ass -a tramp stamp!!! When I told Spawn and Spawn's dad I was met with overwhelming... disbelief and some real OBJECTIONS! To summarize-TOO OLD. Spawn was appalled!! The discussions we had are too lengthy to go into but it was surprising to me how much they both cared about a tattoo on my "old" body. So, I stopped talking about it and started haunting the tattoo parlor with my friend Beth after lunch every day and it went something like this:
B-ohhh dragons!
A-huh no
B-look! a snake eating a mouse!!!
A-NO
B-oh look oh look..a naked lady WITH a snake!
A-BETH-NO...flowers..flowers
B-flying MONKEYS
A-NO!
B-PUSSY!
A-Own it!
B-Look a dragon eating another dragon with a naked woman on his back!!!!!
A-NO!
I finally found my tramp stamp and Beth agreed to come with..cause she was gonna get another one...no flowers for her-lol

field trips and old bitches :)

So the county has a new policy about smoking on the PROPERTY-including your car in the parking lot-so my friend Beth and take field trips a couple times a day. We are old bitches and have known each other for about 20 years. They all go a little like this....
A-"Can I tell you something?"
B-"Sure it's not like I actually listen."
A-"every time i go into a convenience store,and someone walks in after me, i think about what I would do if the store was robbed, with me in there."
B-"Seriously!"
A-"Yes, seriously! I have these visions of hitting the robber with my big pink purse or throwing my water bottle across the store and knocking the robber out or just saying put the gun down MF...I realize I would just probably lay on the floor like a whimpering pussy but I like to think I would save the day!"
B-" as soon as I assessed the situation, I would slink back to the potato chip aisle, so that is where I had to "GET ON THE FLOOR" and then i would just lay there and and silently eat potato chips until the police came."
A-" Beth! There is no way you can lay in the floor and eat potato chips silently. "
B-"Did you just think about that because an Hispanic man walked in the store after you when we were at the store?"
a-"NO, i actually think about every time I go into a convenience store."
B-"Are you aware we never make racist comments?"
A-"So?"
B-" I just think it's odd."
A-"Why is that odd-we don't think that way.Honestly, I don't know that we could come up with one."
B-" I think we should. At least once a day!"
A-"Would you have sex with a republican?"
B-" oh HELL no!"
A-" I think it's the same thing, we suck at formulating racist comments because we aren't racist and we don't suck republicans because we generally perceive them to be racist or because we aren't republicans."
B-" so they are not our "race"."
A-"Exactly and we make nasty ass comments about republicans all the time."
B-"SO we are RACISTS!"
A-" YES WE ARE!"
B-" I feel so much better about myself! Do we have to listen to this rap shit!"
A-" you drive I will listen to KORN..shudder.. I drive you listen to my shit, bitch!"
B-" I think that was a sexist statement and I am tellin...."

smoke them while ya got them ;)

what goes around...

About a month after I quit the police department, my Sargent came to see me at work and told me that the three dispatchers had filed a sexual harassment complaint against the training officer. I said-well good! He said the chief was not going to consider it since there were no witnesses to any of the alleged incidents and since they were ...well..dispatchers. He had said he thought they may have been concocting the story just to get back at the training officer for some reason.
" SERIOUSLY! "
"Seriouly"
" How can three women telling the same story not be enough to take that creep down?""
" Well, it's not April. You could help."
" How can I help? I didn't say anything at the time."
" You are a former police officer, your word will carry more weight. Plus you know at least one other cadet saw what he was doing to you."
" He won't back me up!"
" Yes he will, I asked him."
" OK then!"

At 1 pm on a Friday afternoon I walked back into the chief's office with my Sargent. The chief stood up looked at my Sargent and said, " SHE no longer works here. I don't need to hear a damn thing she has to say!"
My Sargent gave him a blistering look and in a deadly calm voice said, " But you will hear what she has to say."
He sat down and I sat down and I told that asshole my story. When I got ready to leave he did not rise, or thank me or shake my hand.
Over wine that very same night, my Sargent told me that the training officer's resignation was on the chief's desk within an hour after I left. I was happy but it seemed unfair that the only punishment for that kind of intimidation and abuse of power was to be able to resign and just go to another department and do the same thing. My Sargent let me rail against the fates for about 10 minutes and then he said, "And that naivety about the way the world works, Officer Cupcake, is why you were not cut out to be a cop. But I hope you keep it!"