Monday, June 9, 2014

prophylactics and hard pun intended

Spawnteous/Mommy Text
S:Can I buy 2 new swimsuits online?
S: Or 1 swimsuit and some condoms but obviously I wouldn't buy those online.
S:Unless there are some like awesome ass condoms online!
M: Not with my money
S: Whyyyyyyy?
M: Because I don't have bathing suit money right now!
S: But you said if I was responsible and asked for condoms, you would buy them for me.
20 minute later...
M: I got you condoms on the way home..they are on your bed

OKAY I am sure I said that.  I can see myself saying it..."Be responsible always...if you need condoms I will buy them for you." A couple things there was an empty condom box in his trash last week..I didn't buy those. Two..he has a job now and three... do you have any idea how hard it is to stare at a WALL of magical promises condoms at Rite-Aid and pick out a box for your teenage son.  Plus I have a history with condoms.
When I was in college I worked at Revco in Sylva.  Every night some guy would come in, causally look past me and move on to the wall of condoms to my right.  They would sometimes take their time, others would just grab and then they would come to the cash register and slide them toward me with their hand covering them, NEVER failed..they had their hand over them.  I am like... really... Dude i have to pick them up and see what the price is and punch it into the register. So I would glare and they would release them and I could ring them up.  One night this guy comes in and walks right up to me and says, "Where are your prophylactics!"
I pointed to my right and thought, I work with people here who would have said "huh".  He did not cover his at all.
Actually I had an encounter at Revco with my first husband before he was my first husband,  he came running in right before we closed on Christmas Eve.  He saw me, we had known each other since we were little kids, he said, " I just got into town. I need a Christmas present for my mother."  I said, " Well have it. You got the whole store here."
He came back 5 minutes later with a phuckin iron.  I said, "Really!"  He said, "Too mushy?"
Then he slide a box of Magnum Condoms right in front of me.
"Is this her stocking stuffer?"
"haha no those are mine."
"really?" I said. He paid and was out the door.
I just also want to confess at this time when I worked at Revco....we looked at people's pictures and there was a whole lot going on in Jackson County and on the Rez baby!!!
Later when we were married he told me I would have bought regular condoms but because you were there I felt compelled to buy Magnums.  Smiling just thinking about it!
So today as I looked at the wall of magical sexual condom promises...i thought I want something strong but it was so confusing..ribbed,lubricated, flavored,heated,tickling ...arghhhh
I ended up buying Trojan ultra Ribbed Ecstasy with ultra smooth lubricant because I got overwhelmed.  Why don't they sell "straight up iron clad i want my son to go to college and i am not ready to be a granny" condoms!!!
Phuck my first husband died two weeks go and he was younger than me.  He was one of the sweetest men I ever had the privilege to love.  He and his not quite magnum will be missed!  

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

steps..grasshoppers and nipples

So my friend Beth and I are driving around aimlessly on the first day the county instituted the no smoking on county property and she said, "First it's the smokers and next it will be fat people!"
I said , " They can't do that!"
She smiled sagely and said "Fat people!"
Well..they did. They have given us 9 months to get our fat or cholesterol or blood pressure under control or we will pay a  fat tax. BUT they have offered us a PEBBLE! a helpful pebble.  If you wear it  on your shoe and go by to the kickfit station in the agency it will download how many steps you have walked and you will be rewarded! So I paid for and ordered the pebble and the realized, my shoes are way too cute for this pebble!!!!
So I got a Fit bit bracelet.But I am embracing the 10,000 steps a day just for me. You can shove your standing desk up your ass.  I pop up and out of mine like a grasshopper.
 The county can't track me but..interestingly enough I went to our employee health connection for a possible sinus infection and the PA said "OMG you need to see a nutritionist. Your BMI is below 18%!"
I said. "OKAY here is the thing. I decided 2 months ago to eat 5 servings of fresh fruits or vegetables a day and I am losing weight.  I don't need to lose weight so this healthy eating is bad!!!!!!!"
She said "No you aren't doing something right!"
Back to my musing....I am not going into the download station everyday so the county can log my steps but my fitbit does let me know when I have walked my 10,000 steps  by vibrating on my wrist which almost always scares the shit out me.
Fitbit tells me how many steps I have taken, how many minutes I have been active, it tells me how many hours I was asleep and how many minutes I was restless while sleeping.
Here is what I want.. tell me how many times I smiled many times I many times I made someone else laugh.  Tell me how many orgasms I had today..although I know that but does fitbit count those as active minutes...ohhhh i hope so!
tell me how many times I have made a difference in someone's life ..because that's my job.  I hope the county can wrap that into that pebble...not how many steps you take but how many you motivate others to take.
I would also like the fitbit to report to how many times I piss Spawn off a day and how often I look at my nipples and think they are pretty. I need a spread sheet! :)
The steps you take everyday are important ...but the steps you encourage others to take are your vibration.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Netflixs and marathon kissing!

So as we approach Spawn's 17th birthday, for the past almost year, I have left for work every morning saying, "Have a good day, son! Pay attention in class and get a job! I love you!"
To which he has replied everyday either with " Have a good day, mom and I would rather have girlfriend! I love you or Have a good day and you suck and I love you." Either way starts my day starts sparkly!
 Or it could be the 2  steak biscuits  I order and get from Melissa at the drive thru window at Bo Jangles.  Melissa calls me "April honey",always makes sure I get mustard packets and occasionally likes to ask me questions about her EBT card although I have assured her over and over that is not what I do at DSS. Could be a bit of both but my day starts sparkly!
But now Spawn has both a JOB and a girlfriend.  He starts the job tomorrow and I try to have a SERIOUS talk about being a good employee and he looks me dead in the eye and says, " If you tell me one more more time about working 7 days a week at Brown cafeteria and having to wear a hairnet and working after many years up to dessert girl while you were in high school in the school that had all 12 grades in one building, I am going to start making you look at twitter posts I find amusing!"
uhhh...I hate that. (change the subject...obviously he has heard my job talks in the past and retained some of it)
M: So how is Lauren? Is she coming over tonight?
The girlfriend thing is very interesting. She is a senior..he is not. She plays HS soccer... he plays HS nothing.  She has been accepted to APP..which just sucks but there you go.. Spawn is going to move mountains to get his GPA out of "you will be going to community college after you graduate". It appears they have Netflixs, a love of marathon kissing, dark rooms and pot smoking (no confirmation on this just a hunch) in common.  She appears to be a appears to be a lovely young girl.  But on weekends they sit in the dark in the playroom and watch Netflixs for hours and kiss...the playroom is open on both sides so even though I try to hum loudly and walk heavily as I go by sometimes they just don't hear me. I call them vampire children.
I am happy for Spawn that he finally has a girlfriend who doesn't have a monkey and whose father doesn't drive his family and daughters new boyfriend to buy a "trailer" in the hood with wads of cash and a gun Sorry.... last girlfriend...scary!
I am proud and happy that Spawn finally has a job.  Of course having the sucking sound coming from my wallet every time he walks in the room decreasing would be phucking excellent!
Most of all I am happy to have a raised a kid who sends me off almost every morning with a you suck and and I love you! :)