Monday, June 9, 2014

prophylactics and hard pun intended

Spawnteous/Mommy Text
S:Can I buy 2 new swimsuits online?
S: Or 1 swimsuit and some condoms but obviously I wouldn't buy those online.
S:Unless there are some like awesome ass condoms online!
M: Not with my money
S: Whyyyyyyy?
M: Because I don't have bathing suit money right now!
S: But you said if I was responsible and asked for condoms, you would buy them for me.
20 minute later...
M: I got you condoms on the way home..they are on your bed

OKAY I am sure I said that.  I can see myself saying it..."Be responsible always...if you need condoms I will buy them for you." A couple things there was an empty condom box in his trash last week..I didn't buy those. Two..he has a job now and three... do you have any idea how hard it is to stare at a WALL of magical promises condoms at Rite-Aid and pick out a box for your teenage son.  Plus I have a history with condoms.
When I was in college I worked at Revco in Sylva.  Every night some guy would come in, causally look past me and move on to the wall of condoms to my right.  They would sometimes take their time, others would just grab and then they would come to the cash register and slide them toward me with their hand covering them, NEVER failed..they had their hand over them.  I am like... really... Dude i have to pick them up and see what the price is and punch it into the register. So I would glare and they would release them and I could ring them up.  One night this guy comes in and walks right up to me and says, "Where are your prophylactics!"
I pointed to my right and thought, I work with people here who would have said "huh".  He did not cover his at all.
Actually I had an encounter at Revco with my first husband before he was my first husband,  he came running in right before we closed on Christmas Eve.  He saw me, we had known each other since we were little kids, he said, " I just got into town. I need a Christmas present for my mother."  I said, " Well have it. You got the whole store here."
He came back 5 minutes later with a phuckin iron.  I said, "Really!"  He said, "Too mushy?"
Then he slide a box of Magnum Condoms right in front of me.
"Is this her stocking stuffer?"
"haha no those are mine."
"really?" I said. He paid and was out the door.
I just also want to confess at this time when I worked at Revco....we looked at people's pictures and there was a whole lot going on in Jackson County and on the Rez baby!!!
Later when we were married he told me I would have bought regular condoms but because you were there I felt compelled to buy Magnums.  Smiling just thinking about it!
So today as I looked at the wall of magical sexual condom promises...i thought I want something strong but it was so confusing..ribbed,lubricated, flavored,heated,tickling ...arghhhh
I ended up buying Trojan ultra Ribbed Ecstasy with ultra smooth lubricant because I got overwhelmed.  Why don't they sell "straight up iron clad i want my son to go to college and i am not ready to be a granny" condoms!!!
Phuck my first husband died two weeks go and he was younger than me.  He was one of the sweetest men I ever had the privilege to love.  He and his not quite magnum will be missed!  

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

steps..grasshoppers and nipples

So my friend Beth and I are driving around aimlessly on the first day the county instituted the no smoking on county property and she said, "First it's the smokers and next it will be fat people!"
I said , " They can't do that!"
She smiled sagely and said "Fat people!"
Well..they did. They have given us 9 months to get our fat or cholesterol or blood pressure under control or we will pay a  fat tax. BUT they have offered us a PEBBLE! a helpful pebble.  If you wear it  on your shoe and go by to the kickfit station in the agency it will download how many steps you have walked and you will be rewarded! So I paid for and ordered the pebble and the realized, my shoes are way too cute for this pebble!!!!
So I got a Fit bit bracelet.But I am embracing the 10,000 steps a day just for me. You can shove your standing desk up your ass.  I pop up and out of mine like a grasshopper.
 The county can't track me but..interestingly enough I went to our employee health connection for a possible sinus infection and the PA said "OMG you need to see a nutritionist. Your BMI is below 18%!"
I said. "OKAY here is the thing. I decided 2 months ago to eat 5 servings of fresh fruits or vegetables a day and I am losing weight.  I don't need to lose weight so this healthy eating is bad!!!!!!!"
She said "No you aren't doing something right!"
Back to my musing....I am not going into the download station everyday so the county can log my steps but my fitbit does let me know when I have walked my 10,000 steps  by vibrating on my wrist which almost always scares the shit out me.
Fitbit tells me how many steps I have taken, how many minutes I have been active, it tells me how many hours I was asleep and how many minutes I was restless while sleeping.
Here is what I want.. tell me how many times I smiled many times I many times I made someone else laugh.  Tell me how many orgasms I had today..although I know that but does fitbit count those as active minutes...ohhhh i hope so!
tell me how many times I have made a difference in someone's life ..because that's my job.  I hope the county can wrap that into that pebble...not how many steps you take but how many you motivate others to take.
I would also like the fitbit to report to how many times I piss Spawn off a day and how often I look at my nipples and think they are pretty. I need a spread sheet! :)
The steps you take everyday are important ...but the steps you encourage others to take are your vibration.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Netflixs and marathon kissing!

So as we approach Spawn's 17th birthday, for the past almost year, I have left for work every morning saying, "Have a good day, son! Pay attention in class and get a job! I love you!"
To which he has replied everyday either with " Have a good day, mom and I would rather have girlfriend! I love you or Have a good day and you suck and I love you." Either way starts my day starts sparkly!
 Or it could be the 2  steak biscuits  I order and get from Melissa at the drive thru window at Bo Jangles.  Melissa calls me "April honey",always makes sure I get mustard packets and occasionally likes to ask me questions about her EBT card although I have assured her over and over that is not what I do at DSS. Could be a bit of both but my day starts sparkly!
But now Spawn has both a JOB and a girlfriend.  He starts the job tomorrow and I try to have a SERIOUS talk about being a good employee and he looks me dead in the eye and says, " If you tell me one more more time about working 7 days a week at Brown cafeteria and having to wear a hairnet and working after many years up to dessert girl while you were in high school in the school that had all 12 grades in one building, I am going to start making you look at twitter posts I find amusing!"
uhhh...I hate that. (change the subject...obviously he has heard my job talks in the past and retained some of it)
M: So how is Lauren? Is she coming over tonight?
The girlfriend thing is very interesting. She is a senior..he is not. She plays HS soccer... he plays HS nothing.  She has been accepted to APP..which just sucks but there you go.. Spawn is going to move mountains to get his GPA out of "you will be going to community college after you graduate". It appears they have Netflixs, a love of marathon kissing, dark rooms and pot smoking (no confirmation on this just a hunch) in common.  She appears to be a appears to be a lovely young girl.  But on weekends they sit in the dark in the playroom and watch Netflixs for hours and kiss...the playroom is open on both sides so even though I try to hum loudly and walk heavily as I go by sometimes they just don't hear me. I call them vampire children.
I am happy for Spawn that he finally has a girlfriend who doesn't have a monkey and whose father doesn't drive his family and daughters new boyfriend to buy a "trailer" in the hood with wads of cash and a gun Sorry.... last girlfriend...scary!
I am proud and happy that Spawn finally has a job.  Of course having the sucking sound coming from my wallet every time he walks in the room decreasing would be phucking excellent!
Most of all I am happy to have a raised a kid who sends me off almost every morning with a you suck and and I love you! :)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sixteen Candles and Fanny Pack

Dear Spawn,
Happy SIXTEENTH Birthday!!!!!  First, let's acknowledge that I managed to keep you alive for 16 years.  There was some internal doubt about this when they handed me all 5 and a half pounds of you to me 16 years ago.  But here we are and you are alive..healthy..your small mental health issues appear to be age specific.  Despite the past couple difficult years, regarding our constant communication issues, it would seem at this time your " mother baggage" at this point is only enough to fill a fanny pack not suitcases. (future girlfriends can thank me later!)
 On this day of your birthday we seem to have two issues that are popping up fairly regularly and I would like to address them.  
I give you yesterday:
S:YOU are an irrational SUPER overprotective mom!!!!!! Everyone else says, "Parents, going out to hang, be back later." and EVERYONE else's parents say, "Ok, see you later." (can I just say at this point, teenagers are great at using manipulation..great at using it..they just aren't GOOD at it!  It's a skill, people!) 
Mom. I honestly believe that since you ran wild as a teenager you are overcompensating as a parent.  You were a cool teenager( was not) who has turned into a totally uncool mother.  Other parents trust their kids!  A ten-o-clock curfew on weekends..really mom!  I can't even go to parties like everyone else!"
M: You have never asked me for permission to go to a party!
S: Because you would want to know where it is!!!!  You would want to take me!   I am doomed!

Yes, son, you are doomed. Ok, this is where this whole argument falls apart.  I know EVERYONE else's parents doesn't just send their children out in the night and expect them to be back whenever and I know other parents set curfews and I could give a big rat's ass about being a cool parent.  I have never been cool in my life and I am too old to start now.  Maybe I did run wild as a teenager and maybe as a result I made alot of stupid decisions.  And maybe, Spawn, this is less about trusting you than it is about trusting the people you may run into.  So I am unapologetic about the SUPER overprotective stuff.  But I will consider that maybe ....maybe I need to let go a little and let you..have some room to grow.  SO curfew on weekends is 10:30-WOO HOO!

I feel like I need to mention the 4/20/13 boy posse backpack search incident.  Let me re-cap:
You were supposed to be at you Dad's for the weekend.  You show up in our backyard on Saturday saying your Dad dropped you off to "hang with unnamed posse boy"
You leave
I text and ask what the plan is
you text and say you are spending the night with another unnamed posse boy (classic mistake..just saying)
I text your Dad..he thinks you are spending the night with other boy
I text and ask to speak to parents
You text and say..."oh as it turns out they are out of town..we are coming to spend the night at our house"
you and the posse comes over and then find a reason ( x-box) to walk across the neighborhood at night and BRB
PLEASE-you guys have weed smokers written all over..I am sorry but you do
So I give you time to get to the posse boy's house and then drive over to pick you up.  I think that got me a hissed "You suck"
Then as I drove you back home I did realize you all had backpacks that you did not have before you left.  So I calmly said, "Boys, we will be having a backpack search in the garage when we get home."
you hissed "I hate you!  You are just doing this because it's 4/20"
I did not find anything but I think it solidified my status as an uncool mom.  I also had NO idea what 4/20 meant but I played it off like I knew exactly what I was doing!  

The second issue seems to be embarrassing you.  I will confess this is something that parents don't tell their kids when they become parents.  I think it is one of the many hidden joys of parenthood.  I will try to refrain from it but it by far the MOST fun thing about being a parent of a teenager.  And it is so PHUCKING easy!

Most of all today what I want to tell you is how proud I am of you.  You are very different from me when I was 16.  You really like yourself.  You think you are great and don't care if others don't. You like the way you look and  the things you don't like assume puberty and time will take  care of. You are confident in your humor and your ability to engage others.  You are wonderful and sitting here..I am not sure how much credit I can take for that..I think that is you.  But you have my eyes....

Saturday, February 4, 2012

the chalk writing arm flap and a BUTTmunchnut

SPAWN-tanous /Mommy Conversation
Spawn lying on the futon in the game room eyes glued to the TV and me standing in the doorway.
M-"Spawn, feel my arm muscle."
S-" Have you lost your mind???  That would be a no."
M-"I have been working out like a fiend for three weeks .  I want you to feel my arm muscle! Dude, at least do me the courtesy of looking at me when I am talking"
HERE IS WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN (except inside my head)
He cut his eyes toward me and mine fell on the TV remote.  He realized it a moment to late and we both lunged for it at the same time! I came up with it cause I got the longer body!  I turn the TV off  and  after an evil laugh, I say...
M-"DO YOU KNOW how many times since you were born I have had to stop what I was doing to 'MOMMY, WATCH THIS!' feel this,fix this,find this,buy this,hug this,wash this,clean this, soothe this...make this better!  Do you know how many times I have had to feel your arm muscle after every tiny little workout session AND look at your awesome six-pack..which I think we know are just your ribs, skinny boy!  Since you are so critical of everything I do wrong..could you just support this one thing I am doing right and feel my arm muscle."
S-" I am so sorry Mommy!  I am so proud of you! (hell-since it's happening in my head -I am going to make it good!)  I will feel your arm muscle and WOW you are really working off  your 6th grade teacher's chalk writing arm flap! Way to go! Maybe you need a boyfriend to feel your arm muscle..I would totally support that!MOM-you are the best!  I don't deserve you and yet here you are!  I am truly blessed (lol) and you are so cute!"
S-"Looking at ya...not gonna feel your arm muscle."
M-" YOU are a BUTTMunchNut!"
I was thinking worse...but I did him the courtesy of not saying it! :)

Could you at least give me the common courtesy of looking at me when I am talking to you.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Spawn can't jump-my fault..probably

So..Friday at lunch I overheard a table of women talking about their uber-gifted athletic kids.  I found it more interesting than gossip talk.  Not scandalous.....more FASCINATING!   I work..I go home..I cook, clean ,do laundry, bully and cajole my child to finish homework, to pick up stinky socks, to shut up, to go to seems endless to me.  These women have children that require...based on what I heard an additional...40 hours a week to get them practices, games, fundraisers,off school season travelling teams....etc!  WOW!  These moms are BUSY!
 I walked out of that restaurant with my head head held high and thanked all the powers of the universe for giving me a non-athletic child!  If you don't think I don't appreciate after I have worked all day, done my mommy duty at home-that I get to read a book or play gin on the computer and listen to Spawn from the playroom playing MW3 saying things like "Right kid right are a moron!"  or "Yeah -your Momma!" you would be wrong! I got a bright, witty,funny and very smart child!
 It does not bother me one phucking bit that I do not have to sit in some stadium/arena/field watching my child play a sport!  Spawn tried every sport before he got to middle school...excelled at none and liked none.  Baseball..too fascinated by the bugs in the lights in the very, very far backfield position they put him in. Done!  Basketball...too short..too skinny..heart not in it..done. Little league football-put on the equipment..fell over season..done.  Soccer..oh my god..done.  But he tried everything and I am proud of him for that. AND if he had found a sport that he loved, I would have done whatever I needed to to support that and I would also have been proud of him.
I kind of think Spawn was doomed sportswise because of me....may I say..the Lovin's are known for many things...none are athletic! :)
I was and am a tall,skinny, totally and completely SPASTIC, uncoordinated, and graceless child,teen and adult!  I was always last picked in every PE class because I SUCKED.  And I can see clearly now that I have always had a fear of BALLS! ( not yours,gentlemen,they scare me not!) I mean real balls (lol) the kind that are thrown,kicked, hit, hurled...the kind that can hit you in the arm,head,stomach or back!  I spent so much time cringing from possible ball impact...I never really learned to play a single sport.  I played every sport like it was "hot potato" until they no longer made me play.  I thought maybe I could support sports by being a cheerleader for about half a minute.  I had a neighbor who tried for two days to teach me cheer lead and finally just said "Wow, I just don't think this is the right thing for you...maybe band!  But not as a flag ..not with anything long and that you may have to control."
Spawn's father on the other hand is and always has been athletic.  Excelled at all sports in school..has coached all his teaching career and there are so many children that are the excellent athletes they are today because of his expertise and coaching.
Sorry about that, Spawn's dad...he Lovin "we can't play and we can't dance(although we think we can)" gene won out!
Mothers of all those talented athletes-I salute you!  I share in your enthusiasm and your pride from the couch.  I remain thankful that my little white boy can't jump  but has a mind and a mouth that keeps me engaged!  Go TEAM!