Monday, July 25, 2011

check marks,smiley faces and a GOOD mental age

S-"What is this?!"
S-"These check marks with smiley faces on the calendar?????!!!"
M-"Booty calls."
M-"OK i have started marking off the days until you graduate and move away." ;)
S-"MOM, are you pregnant!!!!!!?????"
S-"Because that would be DIS-gusting!"
M-"AND I am pretty sure IM-possible..just sayin!"
S-"Are these date nights...sexting nights??? What do these mean???"
M-"Son, those are nights/days that i ran-walked/ran-ran/walked."
M-"What is the deal?"
S-" I have decided that except for the fact that you work all the time and you know, pay the bills and buy groceries and keep the house clean and mow and stuff like that, your mental age is SIX! And that needs to change!"
M-"I have decided your mental age is SIX! Want to have cookie time and watch South Park?"
S-"Ok but please stop feeling the need to tell me at every commercial, 'YOU REALIZE THIS IS SATIRE'. I get it,Mom."
M-"Ok but my mental age is really more like 15 with a WHOLE lot more maturity than I had at 15."
S-"MOM-you are 50, at the very least your mental age needs to be 40!"
M-"What if my mental age at 40 was 15?"
S-"I can't talk to you! My mental age is 23."
M-"DREAM on, baby boy. Although since most 23 year old men have a mental age of 14 and you are 14-you can probably stay in a holding pattern for the next 8 years. But don't baby, try to grow! Cookie Time! and you realize that South Park..."
S-"MOM! Please stop talking!"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

"MOM, this is why you aren't girlfriend (wince) material!!" by SPAWN

S-"I don't know why you date! YOU will never be girlfriend material! It's just a waste of time, Mom!"
M-"Specifically...why, do ya think?" ;)
S-"ok one, you are OLD."
M-"ok and...what if I am dating old men."
S-"OMG-you are not attractive, Mom! I know you think you are but you aren't. You are all tatted up and sometimes you dress horribly! the tan stuff..disgusting!"
S-"2 in a year, MOM! 2 in a year!"
M-" OK so, IF i date men as old as me and they are not offended by the tattoos or the tan and my general and fashion unattractiveness...what?"
S-"They would have to just be companions."
S-"I am sure your lady parts have shut down, so just companions."
M-"My lady parts shut down like ya think"
S-"sometime after 40."
M-"you don't know for sure?"
S-"I know the alternative is disgusting!"
M-" OK SO if a man-let's take the lady parts out it -found me a funny,intelligent,barely attractive COMPANION?"
S-"He would be a MORON!"
M-"ok! I will have to find me one of those."
I am not girlfriend material because I am working hard- at work,around the house,trying to parent and I don't have much free time. But I am funny,intelligent and tatted up-lol and my lady parts still work! ;)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

is my penis unattractive and other burning questions!

Spawn-tanous/ Mommy Chat
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
M-"You are circumcised!"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Spawn/Mommy DAY! shank, shank, SHANK!

S-"I stayed up til 1:30 texting. AND slept til 11:00"
M-" Do you want breakfast, lunch or a PARADE!"
S-"You are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to!"
S-"Smell me, Mom!"
S-"seriously, smell me! I just took a shower and I smell already!"
M-"BOYS stink-i don't need to smell you to know that."
S-" But smell me! Seriously!"
M-"Seriously, NO"
S-"You realize you are old enough to be my grandmother."
M-"you realize you are old enough to be someone else's random child."
M-"I was addicted to birth control pills for a very long time son. It's a sad story but true. I was so crazy addicted I waited until I COULD afford a child to have one! CRAZY-don't do drugs! McGruff and all that shit!"
M-"So I have been trying to win tickets on the radio for SummerJam-Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, Keri Hilson AND if I win them we can go together! Me and you baby!!! ( This is not true but sometimes I just want to pull his chain and it is SO easy!)
S-"I would never, NEVER go to a hip hop concert with you-EVER"
M-" so if I won the tickets to see your FAVORITE artist, you would not go?"
S-"Not with you..that is just disgusting mom!"
M-" I have been to concerts before."
S-"If I jump up and spin and around. I can never land flat on my feet. Watch! Watch! Watch!"
S-"I am so bored! SUPERLY BORED!"
M-"ME TOO! You could mow the lawn!"
S_"YOU are impossible to talk to"
S-"I need to talk to you about the shampoo in my bathroom! WAY to girly!"
M-"It's coconut?"
S-"WAY too girly!"
M-" I love this song!
S-"It is SO lame! SO lame"
M-"not the part about "I just want a quickie..the part about .."
S-"Please stop talking now. I think I am going to be sick!"
S-" OMG smell me now!"
The day is almost over-I don't know whether to shank myself, pinch him really hard when he isn't looking or drink alot! I am going with the drinking! :)