Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Cartoon Network and beaver picnics!

OK-after two weeks of personally battling the swarming termites,armed and in my own home with my now SEVEN cans of flying insect spray, I have decided to let the big guns have a shot. Not that I haven't killed like a million of them and enjoyed every minute of it but they don't seem frightened by my hot ,long-legged, tanned, armed with death spray, bad-ass self. I called the big bug people-they are sending an inspector out tomorrow.
The scheduling dude said " Ma'am, your inspector (lol) will be out tomorrow between 4 pm and 6 pm."
M-"Will he have a bug on the truck???"
Dude-"No ma'am we don't have bugs on our trucks. Your inspec-TOR's name is Rocky Bravo and he will have proper ID."
Dude-"Excuse me?"
M-"Seriously-his name is Rocky Bravo..seriously?"
Dude-"YES it is."
M-" I wonder if he is kin to Johnny Bravo????"
M-"Awesomely funny cartoon on Cartoon Network about 10 years ago!!!"
Dude-"OK Ma'am-Johnny will be there tomorrow between 4 and 6."
M-"Rocky will be here, Johnny Bravo is a cartoon."
Dude-"yes, Rocky. thank you for calling."
I am sooooooooo excited!!!! A bug inspec-TOR named Rocky Bravo is coming to my house tomorrow to tell me how many billions of dollars i am going to have to spend to protect my house from getting chewed like wood at a beaver picnic! ain't nothing wrong with a beaver picnic as long as it isn't your wood...i mean house!
Anyway-i am pretty psyched about meeting Rocky Bravo and this led Spawn and I to have a conversation about all the great cartoons I suffered through that he loved...and we agreed Dexter's Laboratory was our favorite. He doesn't remember Johnny Bravo but I do :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

math and masturbation-only one is fun :)

So on Sunday I pass Spawn's door on my way to bed and KNOCK and open the door. There is this flurry and rustle of paper under the covers and a cover to the chin move and a bit of red facedness (my word!) on both red faces!
m-"Uhh, good night."
S-"uhh, good night."
Well, that was awkward, I thought as I closed the door and went on to my room to bed.
The next morning I remember, CRAP, Spawn had all weekend to finish the last 20 questions in his EOC algebra 1 booklet and I forgot to remind him and it was due TODAY!
m-"SPAWN, you have to finish the last 20 questions in your booklet!!!"
S-" I did last night."
m-"You did???"
S-"Yes Mom-when you thought you caught me masturbating, I was working on the math but I thought i should hide it from you because I didn't want you to FREAK because I forgot til the last minute. You should have seen your face last night!!! It was priceless!!!"
m-"ha ha"
S-"Hey, want to know something I remembered after you closed my door last night."
S-"I remembered clear as a bell a conversation we had when i was five and I told you it felt good to touch my pee pee and you said "sure it does and the great thing is, it always will. Just make sure when you want that good feeling you take to your room and close the door and until you are 30 you will need to clear anyone else touching your pee pee through me. Mom rule."
m-"wow, i am sure i said just that..i just can't believe you remember it."
S-"CLEARLY. and just so you know, you will never CATCH me masturbating."
m-" OH thank goodness! careful planning is key! you are such a good kid!"
S-"and I got the math done"

Friday, May 6, 2011

the mancave and story of your birth, my baby!

I have spend the majority of my well-deserved week off turning your GIGANTIC playroom into a man cave for your 14th birthday tomorrow. All week I have been painting this 26' by 16' room-2 coats-thank ya! When I bought this house I thought WOW- this is a big phucking room-front room-big bay window. The house has another living room smaller with a fireplace..I moved my pretty small amount of furniture in there and gave over the big room to 4 year old you and your LEGIONS of toys!! Moms-I just want to say-if you can have a playroom-do it! You can keep the rest of your house toy free AND when you look in it and think-" I should clean this!" the toy proliferation that seems to happen when you sleep at night is SO overwhelming-you just walk away and hope your child can tunnel their way out! :)
So I have spent 3 days painting over the cheerful green and yellow walls, the blackboard wall, the height marks (SOB) with a deep wine (SOB) cause that is what you picked. you have been ruthless in de-junking the room.
M-"oh look baby-your fossil box!"
S-"Toss it!"
So it is finished-wine-with a futon, side chairs, a pool table, CD player and a big-ass flat screen tv-your request to mount it on the wall- i said hahhahahahahaha...uh no. not in my skill set! :)
I know it bothers you that I am so much older than your peers' parents and I say 2 words-"SELF-AWARENESS. GET it, embrace it and live it! It will make others in your wake safer!"
I was not ready for a long time to be someone's parent until i got me where i needed to be. I am a planner! ( AND can i just say-this is a little off topic BUT-i did not find there to be ONE appealing thing about being pregnant-not one-it AMAZES me that so many of my clients have tons of kids-AMAZES me..sorry ..done now)
So Spawn, imagine my surprise when exactly one month before my due date-i had an odd thing happen! I told your dad-hey weird thing happened-i think my water broke. He said ...nah.. call the doctor. So I called the doctor who was on call for my practice...we will refer to him henceforth as DR. Asshole! So Dr. Asshole listened to me and said..."hummmmm sounds like vaginal pooling." I laughed outloud!!!!! "Really, really..wow that sounds kinda good!"
"I am leaving the hospital at 11-if it would make you feel better,come to the hospital and I will check to make sure."
Thank you pompous asshole "I think I will do that! Thanks!"
So I told your Dad-I am going to drive myself to the hospital to let Dr. Asshole see if I have vaginal pooling!
Since your brother and sister lived with us-he was kind of stuck-I told him I would be fine and set out for the hospital. I had only had one Lamaze class and it was kind of the touchy-feely get to know everyone class but the only thing I remembered from the class was " hard candy" so when i had my second contraction on the way to hospital -i thought-holy shit I need to get some candy!!! So I pulled off at a convenience store right before the hospital and got confused about the candy so i bought a Butterfinger and some Swedish Fish. When I got there there was a girl in front of me telling the check-in person about her painful peeing and my contractions were getting a little stronger and I stood there behind her thinking-MOVE-it is either a bladder infection or VD but it hardly warrants an 8:00 ER visit. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to kick that booty-shorted, halter topped bitch in the ass...but i was in sweats and slightly FAT!
I got upstairs and Dr. Asshole examined me and said "Yes-you are in labor.. it may be 8 to 12 hours til you give birth...your doctor will be on duty in the morning..good luck!"
AND then something happened to me that has never happened to me before. I stood up to a doctor.
In front of three people I said " EXCUSE ME! DO NOT leave this room! I saw my doctor yesterday and she said my baby was FULL Breach-you know butt first-legs over his head..She was going to try and turn him on Monday!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I felt the bony head!"
I glared at him and he glared at me and I said " FULL BREACH YESTERDAY!"
Everybody in the room looked at him and he was pissed!!!!
He asked the nurse to bring him the sonargram machine and you could tell he was convinced he was right but my gown-draped all alone ass was not going to back down!!! For once and for the right reason!
so they checked you out and he looked at me and said-"Your baby is full-breach and I am leaving at 11 pm so call anyone you have to because you will having a baby in the next 30 minutes-C-section."
He stalked out and the nurses just grinned at me! yeah bony head my ass-well your ass actually!
I called my parents and your dad-nobody made it on time but I had a great anesthesiologist who said " Hey, you want to stay with you."
"You mean up here, where my head is alive but the rest of my body is numb..hee hee i am a talking head!"
"ok I will stay"
"I love you and hope he has your eyes!"
And we laughed-i would have laughed if i could and your dad came at the end and when they tried to bathe you your legs kept popping back over your ears. You were beautiful!
I am amazed that I have kept you alive for 14 years and that you are so not an asshole!
You are my heart and the very best thing that I have ever done!