Monday, February 21, 2011

field trips and old bitches :)

So the county has a new policy about smoking on the PROPERTY-including your car in the parking lot-so my friend Beth and take field trips a couple times a day. We are old bitches and have known each other for about 20 years. They all go a little like this....
A-"Can I tell you something?"
B-"Sure it's not like I actually listen."
A-"every time i go into a convenience store,and someone walks in after me, i think about what I would do if the store was robbed, with me in there."
A-"Yes, seriously! I have these visions of hitting the robber with my big pink purse or throwing my water bottle across the store and knocking the robber out or just saying put the gun down MF...I realize I would just probably lay on the floor like a whimpering pussy but I like to think I would save the day!"
B-" as soon as I assessed the situation, I would slink back to the potato chip aisle, so that is where I had to "GET ON THE FLOOR" and then i would just lay there and and silently eat potato chips until the police came."
A-" Beth! There is no way you can lay in the floor and eat potato chips silently. "
B-"Did you just think about that because an Hispanic man walked in the store after you when we were at the store?"
a-"NO, i actually think about every time I go into a convenience store."
B-"Are you aware we never make racist comments?"
B-" I just think it's odd."
A-"Why is that odd-we don't think that way.Honestly, I don't know that we could come up with one."
B-" I think we should. At least once a day!"
A-"Would you have sex with a republican?"
B-" oh HELL no!"
A-" I think it's the same thing, we suck at formulating racist comments because we aren't racist and we don't suck republicans because we generally perceive them to be racist or because we aren't republicans."
B-" so they are not our "race"."
A-"Exactly and we make nasty ass comments about republicans all the time."
B-"SO we are RACISTS!"
B-" I feel so much better about myself! Do we have to listen to this rap shit!"
A-" you drive I will listen to KORN..shudder.. I drive you listen to my shit, bitch!"
B-" I think that was a sexist statement and I am tellin...."

smoke them while ya got them ;)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

what goes around...

About a month after I quit the police department, my Sargent came to see me at work and told me that the three dispatchers had filed a sexual harassment complaint against the training officer. I said-well good! He said the chief was not going to consider it since there were no witnesses to any of the alleged incidents and since they were ...well..dispatchers. He had said he thought they may have been concocting the story just to get back at the training officer for some reason.
" How can three women telling the same story not be enough to take that creep down?""
" Well, it's not April. You could help."
" How can I help? I didn't say anything at the time."
" You are a former police officer, your word will carry more weight. Plus you know at least one other cadet saw what he was doing to you."
" He won't back me up!"
" Yes he will, I asked him."
" OK then!"

At 1 pm on a Friday afternoon I walked back into the chief's office with my Sargent. The chief stood up looked at my Sargent and said, " SHE no longer works here. I don't need to hear a damn thing she has to say!"
My Sargent gave him a blistering look and in a deadly calm voice said, " But you will hear what she has to say."
He sat down and I sat down and I told that asshole my story. When I got ready to leave he did not rise, or thank me or shake my hand.
Over wine that very same night, my Sargent told me that the training officer's resignation was on the chief's desk within an hour after I left. I was happy but it seemed unfair that the only punishment for that kind of intimidation and abuse of power was to be able to resign and just go to another department and do the same thing. My Sargent let me rail against the fates for about 10 minutes and then he said, "And that naivety about the way the world works, Officer Cupcake, is why you were not cut out to be a cop. But I hope you keep it!"

Saturday, February 12, 2011

arresting girl-part two

I will admit to being a bit taken aback by the chief's less than warm welcome. I had come from a place (Smokey Mountain girl!) where people are not, well, RUDE! But I moved forward. I got a uniform-let me just say-unless you got BIG boobs and a ghetto booty- a police uniform does NOTHING for your figure! Nothing! I looked as sexy in that uniform as Barney Fife did in his. Plus you had to wear big black ugly shoes...ugh! I got a CAR! SWEET-learned to use the radio,siren and drive with abandon! I got a GUN! I had never fired a gun of any kind before but i went to the range with the other officer trainees and some national guard guys who had to re-qualify?? They gave me bullet-lol- nah i got more than one-bullets and showed me where to put them. and by the end of the day I had qualified on the 38. I actually qualified third highest out of 20 so there was some head scratching going on. And some behind the scenes scheming as i found out at the end of the day. Before we left and the range instructor called us all together and asked WHOOOOO had never fired a big ass shot gun ( he didn't call it that but it WAS), I immediately raised my was the only hand raised...and every man was smiling. Well the instructor thought that even though I didn't have to qualify with it, all patrol cars could be equipped with big ass shot guns so I might want to shoot one..just to see. And 19 man heads nodded. I started to get a little uneasy but I was still giddy with my third place qualification and felt twirly and happy!
So I stood in front and all the other guys stood in a circle behind me-the instructor told me what to do..I did it and ended up on my ass in the dirt. Yeah -it was HI-LARIOUS. phuckers! I got up, dusted myself off and LEFT!
I had a month of training with a couple other new guys. For the most part the other non- trainee officers gave me wide berth and sly smiles. The training officer believed in hands-on training and kept HIS hands on me constantly to the point one of the other trainees said-maybe you should tell someone about that. I didn't -I will admit to being disappointed I didn't handle that better. When I got assigned to a shift, I told my Sargent about it and he said, let's hold on to that , shall we, we may need to use that later.
I made it through training!! got sworn in!!! AND what police force doesn't need an Officer LOVIN! I was assigned to the 3 to 11 shift-only woman on that shift-lol- just kidding, only woman ,except for dispatchers( who are the BOMB) in the whole department.
I loved my Sargent and I loved all the guys on my shift and they were good guys and made me feel part of the a little sister sort of way. But girlfriends, for a year I was part of a man,man and more man world that frankly SHOCKED me! These men, in an environment without women (except me and I quickly did not count as a woman) lived in a no rule,I am a bad-ass, adolescent, the dog ate my morals, pull my finger kind of world! Every guy on my shift was married and to a man they all had girlfriends on the side..but LOVED their wife and kids. They partied off duty like frat boys only wish they could.. as the shift mascot-lol-they all confided in me. Did alot of the patrol car driver window to patrol car driver window reverse direction talking! Except for my Sargent, they all hit on me-got re-buffed and moved on. They told me the truckers called me Officer Cupcake and made kissy noises when they saw me on the highway on their cbs. The chief never warmed up to me and made sure I got assigned to all the cat in a tree, harassing phone call, lost bike calls. My fellow shift officers fell in love with me in a awww that's my baby sis kind of way and started backing me up every time i went on a call by myself or pulled a car over..there they would be -right behind me. It kind of eroded my was like I had 8 big brothers watching over me.
At the end of a year it came time for me to go to the state law enforcement academy and i expressed some concerns to my Sargent. He said it was kind of like boot camp..and i said..REALLY and he said YES! I said..ding dang..he said..yeah i know! I said, "I think I will resign. I just don't think this job is for me. the chief hates me..I look horrible in this body clock hates working 3 to 11. AND we both know I AM NOT doing anything that resembles boot camp for 4 weeks!" He said, " I think you are very insightful and this isn't the job for you but you have tried very very hard April and that means something!" LOL -a good supervisor counsels OUT. One day after my last day-he showed up at my apartment and said "I am so glad you resigned, I ....." oh yes you guys are predictable! :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

girl arrested...nah... arresting girl!

My first real job out of college was a manager position at BoJangles, took it because i wanted to move SOUTH...still love that chicken! The pay was $28,000,which was not chump change in 1985. It was a fine little job but I noticed that the local police department was hiring patrol officers. I thought about that for a couple days,my degree was in criminal justice,and decided to apply....just because. I got a call for an interview and decided to go have that experience..cause the job paid $11,000 and even in 1985...THAT, my friends, WAS chump change.
I went to the police department in my short black skirt, white blouse, black dress jacket and KILLER pumps and a "what the hell attitude" for the interview. My interview was at 2 and I checked in early. At 2 a man in uniform came into to the lobby-looked at me-looked at ALL the other empty chairs and left. At 2:15 he did the same thing. I thought..HELLO PHUCKER..I am the only one here! Another April Lovin is not going to appear in this lobby...I AM IT! At 2:20 he came out and said, "Are you April Lovin?" The receptionist starts laughing and he shoots her a hard look.
I am thinking, well hell yes dickwad. But I smile and say yes and walk behind him to a conference room full of men in uniform! lol! sorry , went to another place for a minute! ;)
Eight men in uniform, of varying ranks, seated behind several long tables pushed together. And a single chair in front of them about five feet back. LOL..I wasn't but I was in my head! I sashayed my ass to the chair ,sat down and crossed some pretty spectacular 25 year old legs , put my hands in lap and waited.
For two hours they bombarded me with questions that they clearly did not think I would know the answers to. Ahhhh BUT I did. I remembered every law case and it's significance. I remembered every governmental procedural class i had..well.. to be honest it was a PERFECT interview. I left happy and with the distinct feeling THEY were not!
I went back to my chicken and didn't give it a second thought -except how damn satisfying to sit in a room of men and really, really give them no reason to find fault with you and look pretty hot doing it! I will remember how I felt walking out of that interview for the rest of my lie! I knew they were not going to offer me the job but I knew that I had blown them away. So a week later the CHIEF calls and offers me the job. and for some reason ...I took it!
On my first day, the CHIEF, called me into his office and said, "Lovin, understand, I did not want to hire you. I don't like you. You only got hired because you have a degree and you are a ..."
I cock an eyebrow....thinking, you know, chief, you do not want to say the "W" don't and he didn't-lol.
He said most of these boys don't have degrees and they are more officer than you will ever be,keep your mouth shut even you know the answer and welcome aboard!"
phucker! to be continued.... cause it is just all funny!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

homework and other shit

SPAWN-taneous/ mommy chat
M:"Get up here!"
M:"Your clean laundry has become the monster that ate the upstairs. Up here now! Put it up!"
S:"If i come up there to put up clothes, you will be keeping me from my homework and I might FAIL this class! Is that what you want????!!!"
M: "Get your ass up here NOW!"
S:"OK but I have to pause the movie!"

I give up!!!! Throwing in the towel! Walking away from the windmills! I can go toe to toe with the biggest asshole in the world but I cannot keep one 13 year old boy from making me want SHANK myself!!

5 mins later...

S:"ok MOM-I have put this stuff in organized piles on the bed and it will get put up tonight but can I PLEASE MOM go finish my homework..can I MOM?!"

5 mins later....
S:" Mom, Justin(cool older brother) wants to know if I can go to Barnes and Noble to finish my homework??"
M: " NO!"
S:"Mom, he says he will make sure I get it done and I won't have the TV to distract me."
M:"OH HELL NO-putting up clothes gonna make you fail 8th grade but Barnes and Noble is going to make you FOCUS-OH HELL NO!"

20 mins later...Spawn passes by..
M:"you finished with homework?"
S:" NO way...but I got to drop a deuce!"
M:" Cool."
M:"I hear ya!"
S:"Birthing a big baby"
M:"Fine-i ain't raising it!"
S: " I hear ya, Mom!"

Then it all comes down to poop talk...and we can poop talk all day long and all is right FOR TODAY in our world!