Saturday, February 4, 2012

the chalk writing arm flap and a BUTTmunchnut

SPAWN-tanous /Mommy Conversation
Spawn lying on the futon in the game room eyes glued to the TV and me standing in the doorway.
M-"Spawn, feel my arm muscle."
S-" Have you lost your mind???  That would be a no."
M-"I have been working out like a fiend for three weeks .  I want you to feel my arm muscle! Dude, at least do me the courtesy of looking at me when I am talking"
HERE IS WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN (except inside my head)
He cut his eyes toward me and mine fell on the TV remote.  He realized it a moment to late and we both lunged for it at the same time! I came up with it cause I got the longer body!  I turn the TV off  and  after an evil laugh, I say...
M-"DO YOU KNOW how many times since you were born I have had to stop what I was doing to 'MOMMY, WATCH THIS!' feel this,fix this,find this,buy this,hug this,wash this,clean this, soothe this...make this better!  Do you know how many times I have had to feel your arm muscle after every tiny little workout session AND look at your awesome six-pack..which I think we know are just your ribs, skinny boy!  Since you are so critical of everything I do wrong..could you just support this one thing I am doing right and feel my arm muscle."
S-" I am so sorry Mommy!  I am so proud of you! (hell-since it's happening in my head -I am going to make it good!)  I will feel your arm muscle and WOW you are really working off  your 6th grade teacher's chalk writing arm flap! Way to go! Maybe you need a boyfriend to feel your arm muscle..I would totally support that!MOM-you are the best!  I don't deserve you and yet here you are!  I am truly blessed (lol) and you are so cute!"
S-"Looking at ya...not gonna feel your arm muscle."
M-" YOU are a BUTTMunchNut!"
I was thinking worse...but I did him the courtesy of not saying it! :)

Could you at least give me the common courtesy of looking at me when I am talking to you.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Spawn can't jump-my fault..probably

So..Friday at lunch I overheard a table of women talking about their uber-gifted athletic kids.  I found it more interesting than gossip talk.  Not scandalous.....more FASCINATING!   I work..I go home..I cook, clean ,do laundry, bully and cajole my child to finish homework, to pick up stinky socks, to shut up, to go to seems endless to me.  These women have children that require...based on what I heard an additional...40 hours a week to get them practices, games, fundraisers,off school season travelling teams....etc!  WOW!  These moms are BUSY!
 I walked out of that restaurant with my head head held high and thanked all the powers of the universe for giving me a non-athletic child!  If you don't think I don't appreciate after I have worked all day, done my mommy duty at home-that I get to read a book or play gin on the computer and listen to Spawn from the playroom playing MW3 saying things like "Right kid right are a moron!"  or "Yeah -your Momma!" you would be wrong! I got a bright, witty,funny and very smart child!
 It does not bother me one phucking bit that I do not have to sit in some stadium/arena/field watching my child play a sport!  Spawn tried every sport before he got to middle school...excelled at none and liked none.  Baseball..too fascinated by the bugs in the lights in the very, very far backfield position they put him in. Done!  Basketball...too short..too skinny..heart not in it..done. Little league football-put on the equipment..fell over season..done.  Soccer..oh my god..done.  But he tried everything and I am proud of him for that. AND if he had found a sport that he loved, I would have done whatever I needed to to support that and I would also have been proud of him.
I kind of think Spawn was doomed sportswise because of me....may I say..the Lovin's are known for many things...none are athletic! :)
I was and am a tall,skinny, totally and completely SPASTIC, uncoordinated, and graceless child,teen and adult!  I was always last picked in every PE class because I SUCKED.  And I can see clearly now that I have always had a fear of BALLS! ( not yours,gentlemen,they scare me not!) I mean real balls (lol) the kind that are thrown,kicked, hit, hurled...the kind that can hit you in the arm,head,stomach or back!  I spent so much time cringing from possible ball impact...I never really learned to play a single sport.  I played every sport like it was "hot potato" until they no longer made me play.  I thought maybe I could support sports by being a cheerleader for about half a minute.  I had a neighbor who tried for two days to teach me cheer lead and finally just said "Wow, I just don't think this is the right thing for you...maybe band!  But not as a flag ..not with anything long and that you may have to control."
Spawn's father on the other hand is and always has been athletic.  Excelled at all sports in school..has coached all his teaching career and there are so many children that are the excellent athletes they are today because of his expertise and coaching.
Sorry about that, Spawn's dad...he Lovin "we can't play and we can't dance(although we think we can)" gene won out!
Mothers of all those talented athletes-I salute you!  I share in your enthusiasm and your pride from the couch.  I remain thankful that my little white boy can't jump  but has a mind and a mouth that keeps me engaged!  Go TEAM!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sushi Rules

So I experienced the most insane cluster-phuck to pick Spawn up after his exam at 12 yesterday.  And those of you who really know me KNOW...I have issues with driving..traffic..difficult -ramps..traffic..merging...and stupid people!  Sorry-I got off track there.  Sigh...
Anyway we when actually escaped, I suggested we go get sushi and the Spawnster is always up for that!
I like consistency...just crazy that way!  So we always order 24 pieces. We order 2 that are our favorites and two new tries.
 I expect fairness..just my nature.  When it becomes clear that the two new tries are ...huh..not that great..I get a text. I fumble in my purse for my phone and it is a text from Spawn that reads "Hello"
I look up, he is smiling and  4 of the 6 favorites are gone.
M"HEY-simple math-6 pieces-I get 3."
S-"Sorry, Mom but simple homespun logic, 'you move you lose'"
S"OMG-there is your friend Julie!  Hi Julie!"
Yes I did, yes I did..I turned around and when I turned back from NOT seeing my friend Julie, all the favorite pieces were gone.  Ding Dang it!
M-"WE are going to have to have sushi rules from here on out!"
S-"OMG you have rules for EVERYTHING...we have to have sushi rules!!!!!"
M-"YES because I am paying for it with MY money!"
S-" Ahhh the flaw in your thinking ,Mom."
S-" Think about it?  Why do you work? You work to take care of me.  Roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly.  Without me, you might just be laid up on a couch in some trailer eating
Oreos you bought with food stamps.  SOOOOO really it's my money! " :)
M-"WOW-that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!  Want to go ice cream!"
I have has the best week with Spawn this week!  He has told me he loves me everyday and I have not felt like killing him ONCE. Nice!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Karma, Exams and Spider Monkeys!

Spawn and I have been locked in an EPIC battle over studying for his first high school exams for a solid week now and it is evidently wearing on me!
Last Wednesday:
M-"Do you have homework?"
S-"No, MOM-it's review for exams all week!
M-"So why don't you use the free time to ....UH.. study for exams. " :)
S-"Are you INSANE!"
M-"Just an idea....."

Last Friday:
M-"Please use some time at your dad's this weekend to study for Tuesday's exam.  Then you can use time on MLK day to study for Wednesday's exam.  That way you are a day ahead and not stress studying the night before."
S-"Huh...that makes no sense Mom...none at all.  How do you keep your JOB! a day ahead...that is just ridiculous...have you ever heard of keeping it fresh...hahahahaha...ridiculous..obviously it has been a while since you were in mom...
M-"Stop talking..just stop-DO IT!"

M-"Did you study over the weekend?"
M-" Start now!"
S-"I am going to need some relax time before I start."
S-"Wow, take a chill pill...did you you take your hormone today mom...seriously!"
M-"Study NOW and NO TV!"
S-"I study better with the TV on...sorry it's true...and I study better if I study the night before the test because the pressure helps me!!!!"
At this moment I am transported back in time and I have Farrah hair, bell bottoms and a purple fuzzy sweater and oddly, the very same words are coming out of my mouth as I look up at my dad and he is looking as pissed as I feel.
M-"TV OFF!!!!!"

M-"It's study time."
S-"Mom-I am fairly confident I can make at least a decent B on this one without studying so I am thinking I will pass on the studying and just go with what I have actually absorbed and learned during class time and watch That 70's show instead."
S-"WHAT IS UP with you and this studying.  YOU have become a study NAZI!!!"
He is standing in front of me -HA-looking UP into my eyes and I am looking down into his and I am so pissed  that in the moment...all I could think of to say was ....
yup-that is just what popped out and we stared each other for about half a second before we both starting laughing so hard we cried..we did the whole..calm down..breathe//look at each other and start laughing again.  Oh, Karma really is a bitch...sorry Daddy....I really am!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

silver bridge and Cameron :(

So Spawn overhears me talking with someone on the phone about life insurance.  When I get off the phone he side hugs and says..
S-"I love you, Mommy!  I am so glad you are going to provide for me should you ..uh..die! AND I really appreciate that you want to be cremated...cause that is cheap!:
M-" No problem, son, and remember..if you can choose an alternative container..aka..cardboard casket..choose that!"
S-" you want an urn?  sprinkled?  What do you think about that?"
M-"you can sprinkle me off the silver bridge on River Road into the Tuckaseegee."
S-"Are you sure you don't want me to keep you with me-cause if you get life insurance I can spring for the urn?"
M-" yea pretty sure!"
S-" I also want to be cremated and sprinkled  on the floor of Cameron Indoor."
S-"YES-i want my ashes sprinkled there!"
M-"To be swept up and put in a trash can,,"
S-" In Cameron!"
M-"til they empty the trash...then on to a Durham landfill..."
S-"Ok, I did not think it through...could you break into Coach K's house and sprinkle tiny bits of he doesn't notice in his shoes and suit pockets?"!"
S-"Ok ,I will come up with a new plan..are you good with yours?"
M-"My plan would be that we don't have to deal with this for quite sometime and that I have some fun until then"
M-"Cardboard  casket, son."
S-" Whatever!"

Monday, January 9, 2012

eat this!

So my dad gave me a weed eater for Christmas.  Evidently, obsessively mixing weed killer and spray stalking weeds on every border-weekly-is not good for the ground water. Sorry!
I overheard dad and Spawn at asked what he wanted for Christmas and Spawn said "money".
D-" Your mother always asks for money and then uses it to pay a bill.  So we no longer give her money."
S-" I will SO NOT pay any bill if if you give me money!  I will buy something I want!"
Spawn got money and I got a big ass, pretty fierce looking weed eater AND some really cute little gray plastic cans of oil.  Now, I recently bought an electric trimmer which I am so beast with! I SOOOOO neatened all my trees and bushes with that! IT made me so happy, I considered asking my neighbor if I could trim his bushes too.  But I kind of think he may be a serial killer, who like goes out of town and kills people.  So I thought...nah.
 I also bought an electric blower that on any given day owns me or I own it.  It's a learning process!  But this weed eater...I read the manual twice..and clean the garage! :)
I may never learn to use the weed eater but it phucking looks boss in my clean garage!
Thanks dad!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Happy New Year from me and Spawn!

30 things

With the new year started...  I realized I could already predict at least 30 things that would happen in my life this year!  Gotta love the known!
1.  I will eat more Swedish Fish than any one person should.
2.  I will yell and cuss in front of my washing machine while trying to unravel a bra strap from another article of clothing that it wrapped around 40 million times.
3.  I will have totally unsatisfying sex at least once...never twice.  ;)
4.  I will look at Spawn and realize that if I do nothing else in my life...I have done one really good thing!
5.  I will look at Spawn and wonder what the phuck I was thinking when I decided to have a child.
6.  I will dread grocery shopping EVERY time I have to go.
7.  I will daydream about Cam a non-sexual way cause he so young and all.
8.  I will secretly wish my boss would get another job AWAY from me.
9.  I will spend hours marveling at how phucking stupid some people are.
10.  I will envy someone else's perfect hair color.
11.  I will be thankful for friends!
12.  I will think about what a wonderful family I have.
13.  I will  wonder if I was switched at birth!
14.  I will plot to destroy someone...and then never carry out my devious plans.
15.  I will start exercising again...I hope...
16.  I will dance alone in a room and shake my ass to totally age inappropriate rap music
17.  I will not feel the urge to get another tattoo...i hope...but i will buy another belly chain!
18.  I will wonder AGAIN how the girl at the tanning bed place is always in such a phucking perky mood and always remembers everyone's name.....does she have a they have to take a class in that....
19.  I will have satisfying sex ...I better!
20.  I will start recruiting minions  and wonder if frienminions is really a better made up word than frienemies
21.  I will experience road rage but I won't shoot anyone cause I don't have a gun :)
22.  I will wish I could win the lottery
23.  I will read good books that are really BOOKS and I can hold them in my hand and turn the pages
24.  I will piss someone off and probably mean to
25.  I will hurt someone's feelings and probably not mean to
26.  I will make someone laugh
27.  I will make snarky comments in my head about people's stick figure families on the back of their cars
28.  I will do something at least once everyday that makes Spawn mad and he will do the same to me and often we will catch each other mumbling choice cuss words about each other under our breath
29.  I will look in the mirror and think..DAMMNNNN, I look good!
30.  I will try every day to be a little bit better person than I was the day before!