Tuesday, June 28, 2011

just stuff :)

Here is the thing about me....I have become, tragically, swirly, spin around and fall in fresh cut grass, happy with myself. :)
I like how i look in the mirror-full length,phuckers!
I go to work everyday and solve big problems. I pay all my bills and deal with all the money pit shit this house has to throw at me on what seems like a weekly basis. i battle the Spawn daily and try to navigate the pitfalls of being the old ass parent of a teen. And for now I think I am winning.
Really not a big fan of " love" and I don't think I ever will be again. But today I cleaned Spawn's bedroom because he is on vacation. I laid down on his bed after I put on clean sheets and made the bed and thought about all the times I watched him sleep in this bed or laid down beside him. I felt my heart swell and this love,this love I will always be a fan of. Then I cleaned his bathroom and I am so phucking glad he is gone for a week I can't stand it-sooooo disgusting! OMG! And i have not looked at at chicken nugget/hotdog/mini corndog for four days-YAY. NO whining..."soooooo bored", no snide comments,no eye cuts, no 14 year old advice on how to manage my life! Ahhhh peace!

Wow-sorry-so happy with myself in an empty house! :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Got Milk!

Dear Spawn,
Very sweet of you to call Mommy at work to say you would like a bowl of cereal but the milk expiration date was 2 days ago. This being the 2nd "possible bad milk" call I have gotten since summer vacation began, I have 3 words for you, "SMELL it SON!" I don't know when this obsession with the milk exp. date started I don't give a rat's ass about the date on the milk! Bad milk is the freakin easiest thing to detect-smell it! Is the bottom full of curds and whey????I had some this morning-it wasn't bad! Please feel free to call me at work if the house is on fire or you are considering experimenting with drugs but please don't call me about milk again.I realize you, like think, I don't do shit at work but sit on my ass and earn money for you but seriously-I do, kind of, have to work ,when i am at work! No lie!
Thank you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The field of 14 year old boredom...sigh

Spawn-taneous and Mommy chat
S-"I see that you just finished mowing the back yard..that you mowed half of yesterday. Can you explain that to me?"
M-"hahhahha-not that i HAVE to son, but i am perfecting the half-ass mowing technique." :)
M-" I mow half of the yard, sit on my ass, have a beer and mow the other half the next day. It is soooo working for me. I plan on writing a research paper on how half-ass mowing extends your lifespan!!!"
S-"Stop talking, Mom, really. Can I ask -WHY you leave the mower outside the shed after you mow???? Even when you know it might rain???"
M-"That little mower works HARD.."
S-"..because you refuse to pick up sticks.."
M-"..it loves sticks AND I leave it outside because rain is god's own lawnmower car wash! Don't you think that mower loves the feel of the summer rain cooling it's little red body..."
S-"Just STOP talking..."
M-...like a lawn mower spa bath.."
S-"MOM-you can't get the front wheels lifted up high enough to get it in the shed,can you???"
M-"No, no I can't" :)
S-"Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here???"
M-" COULD YOU!!! COULD YOU, PLEEEZE! Could you work full time and pay the bills and keep the house clean, cook and wrangle a 14 year old spawn. That would be AWESOME, son. I pass the crown to you!"
S-"WHATEVER! Are you texting while we are talking!!!!!"
M-"Yes, you do it me all the time! AND although I may not be able to consistently get the mower in the shed, I can multitask!"
S-"You are texting and smiling. PLEASE tell me you are not sexting in front of me!!"
M-"I am NOT sexting!"
S-"Because seriously ,Mom, who is going to want to have sex with you..seriously! You are old as dirt and all tatted up..disgusting!"
M-" Watch yourself, son! Two tattoos is not "tatted up" and I am thinking, blind guys! I think they might find EVEN me attractive! I am trolling for blind guys..just so you know." :)
S-"NOT FUNNY! Who are you texting and smiling with?"
M-" Your dad."
S-" Then why are you smiling???"
M-" He just texted me the dates he plans on taking you on vacation-FOR A WEEK! For some odd reason-the thought made me SMILE! "
S-" GREAT, Mom-real nice!"
M-"Love you BABY!"
S-"Whatever, love you too. Could you buy me something to make my boredom go away?"
M-" No and it is the first week of summer...get ready to lay in the field of boredom for a while"
S-" Buy me a new game...buy me a girl..buy me a growth spurt..buy me excitement...MOM!"
M-"UHHH, no. We done talking?"
S-"Yes. Do you see how sad this is-that I am so bored I have to talk to you."
M-"Yes, yes I do." :)