Sunday, August 28, 2011

just snakes! that is all..snakes

Dear Mr. Snake! ( or you sneaky asshole-as I like to refer to you behind your back-which is basically all you have ,you legless bane of my backyard existence asshole-ok i call you that too!)
Calming down now-just going to let you know this cat and mouse game you and me and MR. HOE have played for the past two months is going to end! I know, I know-it has been a amusing for you but frustrating for me and it has come to my attention that I may be becoming just a tad OBSESSED with killing you and no woman wants to be thought of as obsessive about anything -Spawn is giving me the "you might be crazy eye" when it comes to you so I am just going give you fair warning! I will kill you if it the last thing I do-nothing obsessive about that-lol. I am simply stating my 30 day goal to you. NOW-there a couple things you could do to make this easier-please, just let me catch you laid out IN A STRAIGHT LINE coming across the lawn to your hidey hole! YES- I know where you live but since it is under the house you are SAFE from a home invasion. Nice job of hiding from the Terminex man last week--oh yes i asked if he saw you..he didn't. I know you think it's clever to sort of weave yourself in and out and around things so MR.HOE can't get a kill shot but I am willing to let the grass grow tall so you can hang out in it and I can mow you over-so an option-i dream about that actually.
And just so you know-I am all about diversity-this has nothing to do with the color of your skin, the shape of your head, the fact you don't have like legs or shit-it has to do with the fact you are in my YARD!
The point of all this is-MR. HOE and I will get our moment OR you could MOVE the hell on. It could be your perfect revenge! I never see you again...and I become a bitter old woman..sitting in the dark rambling about the asshole who got away. Win-win-cause i will probably a bitter old woman anyway at some point -the point when I can't wield the mighty MR. HOE and kill one stupid asshole snake! ok maybe i am boarding the "killing a snake " crazy train. never mind..having a beer..gonna relax..hope i don't see ya..wouldn't want to be ya! ;)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

hummingbirds and gift cards!

So, several months ago my FAVORITE team of people gave me a gift card for a ridiculously large sum for some thing or another I had done. They stood in front me looking at me expectantly as I opened the gift card to.......a spa. One of them said, "it's for a full body massage!!!". There was all sort of cooing about how I needed to pamper myself..relax etc. I smiled and cooed too-so great! thanks you guys!..the whole time I am thinking...oh hell NO. Hello, My name is April and I have a massage phobia! I really, really appreciated the gift and that they like me, really like me-lol-but I would have rather gotten a gift card to Auto Zone! Recently I was in there for first time and I hope only time, on a blazing hot Sunday, waiting for them to come check my car battery and confirm it's demise and charge me a bunch of money for a new one. And I had a chance to look around that store over and over again while WAITING.... and it has to be the most boring store in the universe. BUT i would take a gift card to there and just stock up on all sorts of crap I had no idea what it was than get a gift card to a spa for a full body massage!
Here are my problems with massages at spas-I have never actually had one, by the way. One, I am a hummingbird in a box-except when i am sleeping. The closest i come to relaxing is floating in the pool, reading a book, twirling my hair and wiggling my toes to the music on the radio. Just so you know I have been told by other people they find it impossible to relax watching me relax. Second I am terrified, TERRIFIED that I will get turned on during a massage.
like in a panting , uncontrollable, make a fool of yourself way! For some reason to me this would be the equivalent to getting up to give a speech and realizing you are naked or going to wal-mart in pajamas. It just terrifies me. I plan to work on this phobia ...never... but get THIS!!!! With a gift card you don't have to get what the people who gave it to you for -you can get something else. AND it took me three months to figure that after I finally confessed to one of the team members why I had not used the gift card. She looked at me like I was a moron and said then get a deluxe pedicure! Bless you, my child! Damn gift cards can be so is always a good gift! just sayin! ;)