Dear Mr. Snake! ( or you sneaky asshole-as I like to refer to you behind your back-which is basically all you have ,you legless bane of my backyard existence asshole-ok i call you that too!)
Calming down now-just going to let you know this cat and mouse game you and me and MR. HOE have played for the past two months is going to end! I know, I know-it has been a amusing for you but frustrating for me and it has come to my attention that I may be becoming just a tad OBSESSED with killing you and no woman wants to be thought of as obsessive about anything -Spawn is giving me the "you might be crazy eye" when it comes to you so I am just going give you fair warning! I will kill you if it the last thing I do-nothing obsessive about that-lol. I am simply stating my 30 day goal to you. NOW-there a couple things you could do to make this easier-please, just let me catch you laid out IN A STRAIGHT LINE coming across the lawn to your hidey hole! YES- I know where you live but since it is under the house you are SAFE from a home invasion. Nice job of hiding from the Terminex man last week--oh yes i asked if he saw you..he didn't. I know you think it's clever to sort of weave yourself in and out and around things so MR.HOE can't get a kill shot but I am willing to let the grass grow tall so you can hang out in it and I can mow you over-so an option-i dream about that actually.
And just so you know-I am all about diversity-this has nothing to do with the color of your skin, the shape of your head, the fact you don't have like legs or shit-it has to do with the fact you are in my YARD!
The point of all this is-MR. HOE and I will get our moment OR you could MOVE the hell on. It could be your perfect revenge! I never see you again...and I become a bitter old woman..sitting in the dark rambling about the asshole who got away. Win-win-cause i will probably a bitter old woman anyway at some point -the point when I can't wield the mighty MR. HOE and kill one stupid asshole snake! ok maybe i am boarding the "killing a snake " crazy train. never mind..having a beer..gonna relax..hope i don't see ya..wouldn't want to be ya! ;)