Monday, October 31, 2011

Wet Dogs and Nipples-(Actually it was just one nipple)

Yesterday I was thinking how hard it is to work full-time and parent and keep your house clean and also take care of all the house/yard maintenance things( the stupid formerly known as MAN jobs). The lawn mower would't work for the last the last mow of the year- my first impulse was just to throw it away-phuck it!It had just become a burnt out light bulb to me-it doesn't work anymore-i can't fix it-trash it! Luckily it was just out of gas...a reprieve for the lawn mower! So my day was shaping up to be an "I might be overwhelmed" day, lawn mowing, mounds of laundry, the occasional dog pee clean up, aquarium cleaning (just nasty) AND at Spawn's insistence bathing the dogs.
Lily the massive puppy hasn't never been bathed and Jessel(outside dog) who is 13 has never been bathed. I looked at Spawn, who, for some reason was inexplicably EXCITED about the dog bathing.
M-" This is going to be disaster, you realize that..right?"
S-"It will be fine-we just need some good pre-bath planning!!!!"
I looked at him and he looked back at me and I looked at him.
S-"SO, what's the plan, Mom?"
I looked at my child and my mind was just boiling with, well..pissy thoughts. I should be loving and nurturing right now-use this as a teaching moment. In my mind I can see it..the two of us of working through this chore together..laughing..basking in the glow of a job well done. I see that in the background of my mind. In the foreground of my mind I see me grabbing his ear and pinching it VERY hard and him screaming like a girl! And I am calmly whispering in his ear, " PLAN THIS, helpless boy!"
I am immediately ALARMED..yes I am! And I realize that I am either really tired and overwhelmed or the fact that my HORMONE prescription ran out weeks ago may be jeopardizing my child's safety!!!!!
I breathe and sort of sidle over to the counter to my beer and sip and breathe and sip.
M-"I will go get 5 towels. You get a plastic cup, the dog shampoo and the dog and meet me in the bathroom. You hold and I will bathe and rinse."
So this is where it all actually goes downhill-lol.
We get the massive puppy in the bathtub and Spawn is struggling to keep Lily in the tub-we are all getting soaked-I call time out so I can pull off my sweatshirt-I HAVE A T-SHIRT ON UNDER IT- and I have a brief wardrobe malfunction-2 seconds tops-or well-lack of tops. The T-shirt comes up with the sweatshirt for a couple seconds. I pull it right back down. By that time I am alone in the bathroom with the massive puppy who has jumped out of the tub and is now shaking water all over me, the bathroom and then on to the kitchen and living room and Spawn has fled to the other room screaming " MY eyes, my eyes!"
I grab the puppy put her out the back and go to confront my dog bathing PARTNER! He appears to be curled in a ball on the futon in the playroom.
M-"What the hell was that? You just took off and left me in there with Lily, the dog sprinkler!"
S-"I need THERAPY and I need it right now! I may need an emergency hospitalization. I don't feel like living anymore since I have seen your NIPPLE! I may harm myself or others. I will never be the same!"
M-"ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! It was a second for god's sake."
S-" It was your nipple..i feel sick..Arghhhhh"
M-" HEY, you need to calm your ass down-there was time that nipple was your friend ,buddy. Now stop wailing! I mean it!! Pull yourself together and let's finish the dog bathing!"
S-"OMG-how could you say that! I can't -my stomach is upset...arghhhh..."
M"IF you do not shut up right now and come back in here and help me bathe this dog........ I am going to grab your ear and pinch it SO hard that you scream like a girl and I mean it!"
Spawn sits and looks at me and I look back!
S-" Seriously! Seriously! Your solution to this traumatic experience I have suffered is to pinch my ear so hard I scream?"
M-"Like a girl!"
S-" That is Ridiculous, Mom, RIDICULOUS!"
M-" Well, so is acting like seeing my nipple for 2 seconds has scarred you for life."
S-" Bathing the dogs is going to be a bigger job than I thought and I am not sure we can do it."
M-"Well, we have started it and we need to finish it-end of story. so let's go. We'll live through it and know how to do it better next time."
S-"Would you really have grabbed my ear and pinched it-that is a little extreme, Mom."
M-" I would have and I would have loved every minute of it."
and I would have! ;)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

panties and power

So I have a beautiful and unbelievably smart friend that i am trying to help through a hard time. I am trying to help her get back her be a "I am a princess and so shall I be treated!!" powerful person. I was coaching leaps and bounds...she needed to take baby steps. I dialed it back and looked at her forlorn face and said, "We need to come up with a really shitty cuss cuss cuss name for your heartbreak man and how is your pantie drawer?"
H-"How is my pantie drawer?"
M-"yes, what does your pantie drawer look like?"
H-"APRIL! I work, I am now a single parent-i have worries about finances and I am in a state of painful confusion and you want to know about my pantie drawer?"
M-"The heartbreak man's really shitty cuss name is "phucking, phuckhead, mother-phucking stupid dickhead. Or FFMSD for short. And yes, we need to talk about your pantie drawer!"
H-"WOW that is very accurate but too complicated-could we just have his nickname be "DICK" and "DICK" for short."
M-"Absolutely! How is your pantie drawer? Is it full of old panties, granny panties, panties you don't give a shit about?"
H-" I guess."
M-" Here's the thing-when we are teenage girls we love our panties! And they have to be nice-stylish. When we are in college and dating..they have to be nice (we keep our fall back comfy panties) but we have some sexy panties. The point being panties are important and if they are nice-they make us feel good just knowing we have them on. Then we get married and have children and EVERYTHING gets attention but our panties. We wear whatever we have-no money goes to the panties until they get threadbare-then we pick up a 3 pack of Lady Hanes at Target. We have no love for those panties-they are NECESSARY panties.
H-"OMG you are so....never mind. Continue..."
M" Stupid- I know, but I am all you got right now-The lesson for this week in taking your power back is to go buy all new panties. I had some bigger things in mind like talking to a LAWYER but I think this works."
H-" I don't have to go to Victoria's Secret, do I?"
M-" Oh hell no-go in the back side of JC Penney at the mall."
H-" I know that entrance! "
M-"Pantie heaven- 6 for $12-just pretty panties. Buy enough to throw away all your old panties.
I got a pair of hello kitty boy shorts-pink-makes me happy! And that is the point-new nice panties-your pantie drawer looking so different when you open it everyday will make you smile-and that, my friend is the first step to taking your power back."
I talked to her this week and those panties have empowered her and made her feel better. Ladies, your pantie drawer wants to be all that! ;)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Spawn and Lily poop

M-"Wow, something really stinks in the kitchen! Can you smell that?"
S--"Yeah, Lily pooped in the house and I didn't want to tell you, so I picked it up with paper towels and threw it in the kitchen trash can." Spawn looking at me like a bashful puppy -wanting approval. lol
M-"Spawn, if Lily poops in the house-pick it up and flush it."
Two days later...
S-"Hey Mommy(always a bad sign) I think the downstairs toilet is uh clogged up."
M-"Why? OMG there is like a roll of paper towels in there !!!! What happened!!!"
S-" Well, Mommy, Lily pooped in the house and I did what you said. I picked it up and flushed it but it won't flush."
M-"BECAUSE YOU and 47 paper towels picked up the poop.Please Spawn-pick up the poop with a Kleenex and throw it in the toilet."
S-"I am not sure I can pick up the poop without the paper towel layers. I tried the Kleenex-i could feel the warm of the poop through it-aahhhhh"
M-"Well-that my child is a great reason for condoms and you remember that-cause you know nothing about warm poop til you have a baby!"
Today I pulled out of my driveway and noticed a huge wad of paper towels hanging from my dogwood tree. Stopped the car-went back in.
m-"There are paper towels HANGING in the trees!
S-" Yeah, Lily pooped in the night and i found a perfect solution."
Since I don't like the poop heat -i will use the paper towels and throw it in woods outside!"
M-"OK well no farm team is going to come look for you cause your big throw to the woods looks more like an early Halloween rolling in our own front yard."
S-" Mommy, maybe you could clean up the poop, cause you know all the good methods and stuff"
M-"Maybe not !" :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

breathe fire or hop away!

You know how you buy just one little thing, it speaks to you,makes you smile, fits in the palm of your hand,so you buy it. For you it is just a thing you saw and you liked. Then a friend or family sees it and say , "So do you like that?"
You say, "yes, yes ,I do." This seems to be an innocent is the knick knack KISS of DEATH response!
For the next 30 years you will receive from every friend and family member some variation of this thing for every birthday and holiday!!!! You will become overrun with it and on some level begin to resent the very little thing you admired.
For me it was frogs.....I have so many frogs in so many forms...i am ashamed. And I don't love them all-I hate 95% of them. I really liked the first frog I bought and so smiled and accepted the 50 million frogs and things-o-frog I got after that-that I didn't like. This is about other people. It is about "easy gift giving" and it has to stop! Please don't assume because a person has a frog they like that you are off the hook for 30 years with regard to creative gift-giving.
This point was really driven home to me when I brought Becky's house to my home. At some point she bought a dragon and by 62 year she had dragons EVERYWHERE. I think I have probably 67 dragon or dragon representations in my home right now. I am having a garage sale on Saturday and I am selling every phucking frog and dragon in this house. Cause I don't want Spawn's partner years from now when he has to grinch my house to say, "What the Phuck was up with your Mom and frogs???"
His response will probably be, "The frogs never bothered me, the fact that she refused to wear a bra after she got home from work traumatized me!"
Whatever! :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

smoke and socks -part 4

The first time I met my Dad's cousin Becky was outside the big white house we moved into when we moved to Cullowhee-you know the one above the Moss's trailer that later became Hardee's. :)
I was 5 and she was 18 and she was a freshman at Western. She came to our house several times. She was so pretty, tall, blond with the bluest eyes. I thought she was a princess and it helped that she brought her boyfriend who was the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life, to this day. She graduated as I pushed my way through elementary school, broke up with the prince, my tiny heart broke. I overheard my parents whispering that she had married a hippie and they had sex under a waterfall on their honeymoon, WHICH for some reason translated to my little mind that they had to take a shower under a waterfall because they were homeless and I felt bad for them.
When i was 14 and 15 I got in some trouble, which when I think about it now was just SOOOOO not trouble-real trouble -just stuff that confused my parents. They sent to Becky for a couple days or a week. She was super cool-managed a Record Bar in G'boro. I would go stay with her. She let me work in the store and paid me in records, :) And folks -let me just say the Record Bar in G'boro in 1975 was a ultra cool place to be for a Cullowhee girl. She talked to me like I was the Velveteen Rabbit-like I was real. I will never forget that.
Becky was born on 8/30/47 to a single woman-who quickly married-who was in the Air Force. She did not marry the father of her child and left the name of the father blank on the birth certificate. Becky grew up thinking her adoptive father was her father-not so sure he was that great. But her mom and step-dad were military so she attended 13 schools in 12 years-think about that! She graduated from Western with a degree in Health and Physical Education and taught at Canton Jr, HS for a while. She tried a couple other things and ended up at Record Bar-becoming store manager -the only female manager and eventually the first female regional supervisor. When the records stores failed she was very successful at managing the Health and Science bookstore at UNC. She would have been retired 2 years today.
She and her mother-my dad's Aunt Kate- had a falling out about 4 years ago and Kate has been in Hickory since then and my dad and I look after her. I love Aunt Kate and all her 93 year old repeated conversations but she never told Becky who her dad was even though Becky begged her. So Becky died without knowing who her paternal family was and she died alone. I think about her every day..every day. I dream about the 18 year old Becky but I have gone through all her pictures and she was just beautiful her whole life..just beautiful and cool! I now have framed Chic Corea posters from the 70'2s that I have no idea what to do with. And pictures of her with Chic Corea and pictures of her with Tina Turner and a dozen other great artists from the 70s and 80s.
The absolute BEST thing about this experience was calling a person she must have considered her closest friend to say ,"Hey, Becky left you her car-cream on the inside-cream on the outside!"
She was stunned and the thing she need MOST in this world was a car. She was the only person I enjoyed talking to at the apartment and did not hesitate to hug. GO BECKY! That was a great call and I really like your friend! "Smoke and socks" will mean nothing to anyone but me and I don't think I could explain if I had to. But cheers to Becky!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Smoke and Socks-part 3 ( oh the people you will meet!)

I met the most interesting women-always at the most irritating inopportune time-while I was down on one of my many Grinch-ing trips. My attire on these weekends was always hair in a haphazard ponytail, a tank top and grubby sweat pants that at any given time would work their way halfway down my hips and would have to pulled up at breaks. I'm pretty sure there was no butt crack action going on but it was close, SO to say I wasn't dressed for company is an understatement. Plus I was always sweaty and dirty a couple hours into it and this always seemed to the time the folks like to stop by. On the day my sister, Mary Beth ( Ms. 'I should have brought sage to burn counter to the negative energy in here'), went down with me we were visited by no less than seven women. After the fourth one , she said," my god, is it always like this!"
I said, "Just wait, chica, just wait til we get really stinky then we'll get a crowd! Like pilgrims to Mecca-no lie!"
Here is how it would go, I would be bent over some box or lifting something I had no business lifting or cleaning something yucky and I would look up and out the window there would be a lurker! Because they always lurked before they approached. They either drove slowly by and then drove slowly by again and then pulled in or they walked slowly by and walked by slowly again and then approached or they biked slowly by and biked slowly by again and then rode up. Every time as i watched the second pass lurk I would think to myself "PHUCK IT. Now I have talk to someone-AGAIN!"
The first time we saw lurkers on the Saturday Mary Beth went down with me, she said, "ARE THEY GOING TO COME TO THE DOOR??? "
"OH YEAH! They will get here eventually-here's the deal. If they will say I just heard about Becky, it's such a shock, what happened,etc. Then you just be solemn, tell them what happened and make comforting cooing noises while they tear up and talk about how they always stopped to talk to her,how much they liked her. Then you end up being the one to say, 'so sorry for your loss'. It's a little odd. Now if they say something like, is Becky moving, you have to be really solemn and explain she died, what happened and then make comforting cooing noises while they cry or WAIL-it has happened - usually they come in twos so they hug each other-so no hugging from us required. then they will say how they stopped by here everyday to talk to her and how much they liked her and you stand around awkwardly and then say you are sorry for their loss. Also be prepared for the 'do you mind if I have a memento?' comment. Let me handle those."
"ARE you serious! Hey your belly is showing."
"Yeah, I know I got to pull up my pants!"
On that particular day we had two sets of same sex partner neighbors-one set knew and wanted details and her wind chimes and another that had been away all summer and didn't know -they cried and hugged each other. Very nice ladies! One car lurker who was 75 if she was a day-got out of a HONDA with long grey hair down to her ass, which happened to be encased in the phucking tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen on anyone. She had on a halter top and was wearing two different kinds of painted shoes. She didn't know Becky was dead -although she talked about how close they were. She wailed-Mary and I just made the cooing noises. I give Mary credit-she caught on after the first couple of ladies and handled things like a champ. She is also slightly nicer than I am so she did the comforting better. As she left she pressed her card in my hand and said if I needed anything to call and could she have the jade dragon to remember Becky by...huh no. I kept the card face down and asked Mary-give a guess. She said artist and I said gypsy. when I turned the card over it said "Artist and Spiritual Adviser". We high-fived and got back to work.
Then there was the bearded lady, who was obviously just the complex busybody and a snob, asked what happened ,said she couldn't remember Becky's last name although she talked to her ALL THE TIME but she has trouble remembering the renter names as opposed to the owners because she has CRS and it causes short-term memory loss. She really got Mary's back up. After she left, Mary said, "CRS CRS! that is not a real condition-she made that up! I am googling that when I get home AND for god's sake in the day and age I have three words for her, LASER HAIR REMOVAL! CRS, my ass!"
The last lurker of the day was a familiar one, she lurked every time I went down. She would walk up and down the little parking lot until; at some point and time I would look up and there she would be nose pressed to the glass door-I would scream and she would wave. She never had a reason for being there after the first 'oh what happened' conversation. But there she would be and I would just offer her something..anything.
Mary said, "you mean she just comes to the door..."
"To say hello to me, she knows my name."
"And you just offer to give her something? And she takes it ?"
"What are you going to offer today?"
" The red wagon in front."
"Really. it keeps her from annoying me at the dumpster, she lives right in front of it."
And when she made the final approach that is exactly what I did. As Mary watched her strolling happily up the sidewalk with the red wagon,she turned to me and said, "If all these people loved Becky and stopped to talk to her EVERYDAY, how is it that she laid here dead for a week and no one knew?"
"That would be the mystery, grasshopper! Lying bitches I say but I am hot, nasty and tired. Let's go home."
"I should have brought some sage to burn to get rid of the negative energy."
"Mary, that's Becky's apartment. There is no negative energy!"
"I would have burned it outside the apartment!"