Saturday, April 30, 2011

weed eaters and vibrators :)

Spawn-taneous /mommy conversation
M-"Spawn, even though I know you have clicked your ruby red LaBrons heels together and wished, the front lawn IS NOT going to mow ITSELF, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!"
S-"Now that you bring this up, can we talk about why you mow the backyard in three sections?"
M-"You know I don't like WHY questions."
S-"I know, Mom,"never explain" blah,blah,blah..why?"
M-"I like to break the job up." :)
S-"Sooooo, you like to break up a THIRTY minute job up into 3 ten minute sections."
S-" So a job that should take 30 minutes is broken up into 3 10 minute jobs with a 15 minute break between each job making a 30 minute job into SIXTY minute job. Do you see where I am going with this ,Mom?"
M-" No, because that's math and I try to avoid math when possible. Plus the breaks don't feel very jobish-you know what I mean-they feel more BREAKISH!" :)
S-"OK, let me ask you this, why do you start mowing at the top of the yard near the shed where we store the mower, instead of starting at the bottom of the yard and mowing up so that you finish mowing where the mower is stored? Do you understand what I am saying? You push the mower all the way back up a mowed yard to the shed."
M-" Good point! Why do you deposit dirty clothes in five different rooms in the house rather than say..... centrally depositing them in, I don't know, a dirty clothes basket where they are all together when you get ready to wash them? This would save the scavenger hunt time when it is laundry time."
S-"Mom, you are deflecting."
M-"Spawn, this whole conversation is classic avoidance....MOW the front YARD."
S-"Could you wear clothes when you mow? Could you do that?"
M-" Could you do more annoying???? Please!!!"
S-" I would be willing to take the backyard off your hands for an extra 10 bucks."
M-" So what you are saying is you would be willing to take on a job in addition to the job that ONE out of every TWO times , I end up doing because of I-Pad,text, TV,PS 3, AND if all else fails homework interference?"
S"You are just harsh, Mom, harsh! never mind-forget I brought it up!"
M-"What were we talking about anyway???"
S-"Are you making any progress with finding a weed eater we can buy and use???"
M-"Working on it!!!!"

Now what I did not tell him was I have been researching weed eaters on-line and I am having as much trouble picking out one as I did picking out a vibrator! The choices are overwhelming and they all seem attractive and shiny and do a multitude of things! Honestly I am having as much trouble picking between the Husqvarna 28 cc 2 cycle curved -shaft string trimmer and the Troy Bilt 25c 4-cycle straight shaft multi thingy as i did trying to decide between the Big Bob Multi-Speed disco light vibrator and the Amazing Big Shaft vibrator with multiple functions( housework not one of them). What I wish is, in both cases is I could find a "tool" (lol) that they just accurately label "big enough,easy to handle and gets the job done" YAY!!!! I am buying that!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

and no...I am not a

So last week a very sweet woman asked me at work, " So you are turning 50 and single, are you a COUGAR???"
I laughed and said , "If you mean do I or would I date younger men, the answer is NO."
She asked why? She doesn't know me well. lol
I said, "Because I consider myself a very smart cupcake!"
She said, "You mean COOKIE."
I said, "No, I mean cupcake."
Another person in the room mumbles to her, "walk away, walk way!" She does, I wink at the mumbler-who DOES know me well!
I SO LOVE men my age!!!! So love them!!! or a couple years older! We are on the same on the same plane heading for the same destination! We have been on similar trips and we GET it! We have been there and done that more than once AND we have finally learned our lessons!! GOOD god there is something to be said for that! We got our own stuff and we ain't gonna lay down on the floor and let somebody walk over us and take it...cause we have been there and done that! lol
And men my age are smart and funny and finally,finally done being boys. I find that they are, maybe for the first time, comfortable with themselves. And this leads to men who are just fun and loving and quite frankly, sweet! And very sexy..all of that in a man is very sexy!

AND they don't play games...and by that i mean VIDEO games...I would hate for my hotness to like, interfere with a kill or a race or a country takeover on a video game.
Were guys my age cool when i was 15-oh hell No-are they the best now, oh yes,oh yes ,oh yes!

Friday, April 22, 2011

shopping..shank! and crotch covers :)

I HATE shopping! HATE it! Food shopping, clothes shopping, car shopping,appliance shopping,electronic shopping,shoe shopping, card shopping, gift shopping, shopping for bargains, shopping around...HATE it! So when Spawn said this week, "We have to go shopping for some warm weather clothes, Mom." I was alarmed!
M-"Don't you have plenty of stuff from last year??!!!??"
S-"MOM, surprising as it may seem, i have grown in a year!"
S-"Really! And we need to go to the mall."
M-" WHAT! We can go to Target. Target is good!"
S-" the MALL..the stores I like are at the mall."
I let this sit for a couple days because we agreed to go on Friday, I was off and he had a half day of school.
M-" you know , we have a limited amount of money to spend,sooooo if we go to Target or Kohl's we could get more clothes for that money AND if we go to the mall (shudder) you may only be able to get a couple things. :)"
S-" I am aware of that."
M-"ohhhhh K-Mart!!! we could get a boatload of clothes at K-Mart!!! Son, when I was a kid I used to have to get my clothes from skycity...."
S-"MOM! the mall! K-MART..pleeeezee!" I haven't been in a MALL for 13 years..NO LIE. I think my wiring is odd and all the lights and people and NOISE cause me to nut up! But I decide I will do this...ding dang it!
So we go and when we get out of the car and are walking toward the mall he looks at me and says, "OMG!! look at what you are wearing!!!"
S-"A too little sweatshirt, with a big shirt under it, that sticks out and it's ORANGE!!"
M-" I had this on when we left the house. I AM OFF WORK TODAY!"
S-"I didn't pay attention-stay in my general direction but try not to look like you are with me."
Well-we wind our way to Hollister-the mecca of teen shopping and Spawn asks if i can just wait outside the store until he is ready to make purchases and I say hell no. So he directs me to the girl side of the store -to a corner and says just wait here and DO NOT sway to the music-LOL. Can I just say-that store is cramped--i think. Anyway i stand there...the human credit card...watching our young people twitter by. Hee hee-they sell shorts that can only be described as crotch covers! Well, the thing is , I am in the jeans corner.. and I need a pair, so i try on a pair( yes I moved from my assigned spot-lol) and they fit and they are 40% off. So -yay-I will have actually accomplished something on this hellish b-day afternoon. When Spawn was ready to check out and I laid the jeans on the counter, he looked at me with disbelief!
S-"Are you buying those for YOU????"
He shook his head, snarled his lip and walked out of the store.
M-"So what's the deal?"
S-"It is sooooo disgusting and humiliating to have your OLD mom buy a pair of Hollister jeans!! so you were moving to the music-I SAW you!"
M-"Son, I can take this stuff back and we can go to K-Mart and nothing I buy for me will humiliate you! So what do you say, dude????"
S-" No never mind!!!!"
M-"I don't change the rules on you know what they are and like them or not-they are the rules. YOU can't change the rules on me everyday and expect me to follow them. I know generally what embarrasses you and I try to avoid it. OK?"
S-" OK"
M-"I love these jeans tho-they really hug my ass and ride low enough so you can see my tramp stamp!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

beer,boobs and 50

I am more excited about turning 50 than I have been about turning any other age, except for 16. 16 was AWESOME! I had boobs-finally! I had a fake college ID cause i was auditing a class and they let you write your DOB in! AND I had a license! So I could cruise..I could drive to Fatman's in Waynesville and push my fake ID across the counter and buy BEER! I felt that 16 was HARD-EARNED and that I had earned it!
I am giddy about turning 50! and i feel it is HARD-EARNED...hard-earned and so happy to be here. But this birthday I am very aware, it is hard-earned
my parents and step-parents: sorry -thanks for surviving me and loving me
my sibling:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
my exes:-thanks for surviving me and loving me ;)
my best friends:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
Spawn: thanks for surviving!!!! and loving me -even though you can't show it anymore
While 16 seemed to be MY hard-earned birthday-50 seems to be the hard-earned one that belongs to everyone I have ever known...and me.
Most important for me..I think if I could sit across a table from the 16 year old me now..she would be proud..for a moment -before she got bored!
And I still have my boobs AND i can still buy beer AND I don't have to ask to borrow the car! Seriously! Does it get any better than that! I think not!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Spawn and the Bus!

Today, before I left work, I got an e-mail from a co-worker that said, "Last night I overheard my daughter telling her sister about how DISGUSTING all the boys on her bus were. She went on to say that the only boy on her bus who wasn't DISGUSTING and crude was your son (his name) AND that he was the only boy on the bus that didn't use foul language. You must be doing something right." HOT DAMN..that made me happy! I went back and re-read it of course to make sure it was his name and then I was really happy! You all know it is my quest to raise a man who is honest, empathetic, thoughtful, loving, hardworking, respectful and not an ASSHOLE or DISGUSTING!!!!! down..for now. I teared up a little and car-danced all the way home. I got home and ran in the house calling his name, he mumbled a greeting and I pounced on him! (He loves that!)
M-"Spawn, stand up! Full frontal mommy/boy HUG!!!!"
M-"Put the controller down and hug me!!!"
S-"mumble mumble mumble...what????"
I explained the e-mail and how proud I was that a girl did not find him disgusting and SINCE I know he cusses that our many conversations about when and where it is appropriate had taken hold. I was beaming, he was pretty horrified.
S-"Whatever mom..who is the girl?"
S-"Who is the girl????"
M-"What difference does it make?"
S-"It makes a difference..cause if she is 7th grader or a geek or..........."
The conversation went downhill after that and I wasn't able to pull it back up. Apparently the value of the compliment depending on the "hotness" of the girl who gives it! :)
Even his lack of enthusiasm did not dim mine!
This has been a bumpy year for Spawn and me, with the tattoos and my "POST mid-life crisis". In the past year my ability to "totally and completely humiliate" him with my very presence has risen dramatically...which amuses me , much to his frustration. There has also been an increase in even my smallest actions "ruining" his life! I have explained to him several times that I am pretty sure ruining your child's life on a regular basis is part of the parental job description! But after a year of he and I finding our footing together in our new "single parent household", it's nice to know I haven't totally phucked him up, yet. In the next 30 days he will turn 14 and I will turn 50 and I have optimistic about our next 4 years together. May the humiliating and ruining continue at an acceptable level. And may Spawn continue to not be DISGUSTING! Makes me sooo proud! ;)