Monday, June 9, 2014

prophylactics and hard pun intended

Spawnteous/Mommy Text
S:Can I buy 2 new swimsuits online?
S: Or 1 swimsuit and some condoms but obviously I wouldn't buy those online.
S:Unless there are some like awesome ass condoms online!
M: Not with my money
S: Whyyyyyyy?
M: Because I don't have bathing suit money right now!
S: But you said if I was responsible and asked for condoms, you would buy them for me.
20 minute later...
M: I got you condoms on the way home..they are on your bed

OKAY I am sure I said that.  I can see myself saying it..."Be responsible always...if you need condoms I will buy them for you." A couple things there was an empty condom box in his trash last week..I didn't buy those. Two..he has a job now and three... do you have any idea how hard it is to stare at a WALL of magical promises condoms at Rite-Aid and pick out a box for your teenage son.  Plus I have a history with condoms.
When I was in college I worked at Revco in Sylva.  Every night some guy would come in, causally look past me and move on to the wall of condoms to my right.  They would sometimes take their time, others would just grab and then they would come to the cash register and slide them toward me with their hand covering them, NEVER failed..they had their hand over them.  I am like... really... Dude i have to pick them up and see what the price is and punch it into the register. So I would glare and they would release them and I could ring them up.  One night this guy comes in and walks right up to me and says, "Where are your prophylactics!"
I pointed to my right and thought, I work with people here who would have said "huh".  He did not cover his at all.
Actually I had an encounter at Revco with my first husband before he was my first husband,  he came running in right before we closed on Christmas Eve.  He saw me, we had known each other since we were little kids, he said, " I just got into town. I need a Christmas present for my mother."  I said, " Well have it. You got the whole store here."
He came back 5 minutes later with a phuckin iron.  I said, "Really!"  He said, "Too mushy?"
Then he slide a box of Magnum Condoms right in front of me.
"Is this her stocking stuffer?"
"haha no those are mine."
"really?" I said. He paid and was out the door.
I just also want to confess at this time when I worked at Revco....we looked at people's pictures and there was a whole lot going on in Jackson County and on the Rez baby!!!
Later when we were married he told me I would have bought regular condoms but because you were there I felt compelled to buy Magnums.  Smiling just thinking about it!
So today as I looked at the wall of magical sexual condom promises...i thought I want something strong but it was so confusing..ribbed,lubricated, flavored,heated,tickling ...arghhhh
I ended up buying Trojan ultra Ribbed Ecstasy with ultra smooth lubricant because I got overwhelmed.  Why don't they sell "straight up iron clad i want my son to go to college and i am not ready to be a granny" condoms!!!
Phuck my first husband died two weeks go and he was younger than me.  He was one of the sweetest men I ever had the privilege to love.  He and his not quite magnum will be missed!