Sunday, March 27, 2011

Rockin the Girlie-part two

I have a friend who wears more make-up than I have seen anyone wear since a certain preacher's wife was on TV. It looks good on her-don't get me wrong-it's just ALOT. I always found this secretly terms of the time it must take and what not. So about a year ago she said to me, "You know, you would would look so much more attractive with make-up!!! :)"
Because I have never had make-up application skills I tend to NOT wear it. Not saying I didn't have it-I did- i just usually by-passed in my morning routine-often without noticing!
Her-"Not criticizing but you have pretty eyes and you wear no eye makeup. Eye makeup would really make your eyes POP! :)"
M-"You are of course not aware of this but I was called, "POPEYED FROG GIRL" for much of my youth. Therefore making my eyes pop has never been a priority!"
Her-"Well, maybe with time they have have shrunk into your face, cause they could use some popping! :)"
M-"ARE you a motivation speaker??? Cause you SUCK at it if you are!!!"
Her-" :) How about you try mascara-that's all, just wear mascara every day and we can add the other things later :)"
phuck :)!!!
ok I decide in my 50th year I will try mascara..what the hell. OK-I find it really difficult and the fact that women doing while driving blows me away! I find that I have to plant my feet in a wrestler's stance in front of the mirror and apply apply apply. I am better at it a year later but there were alot of eyeball stabs and misplaced blackness for a while.
Her-" The next is eyeliner...very important!!!! :)"
Her:"AND let's get some mascara on those lashes under your eyes!:)"
M-"LOL-oh hell no!"
I struggled with eyeliner for months!!! But i got semi-half-assed at it and did for for about 4 months and then I forgot one morning and realized I just did not give a shit about the eyeliner!
There was more instruction about under-eye liner and foundation and powder and blush. AND lipstick! I did find through all of this that I really like pink lipstick. I have tried to stay consistent with the mascara and the lipstick and I have no clue whether it actually makes me look better but it satisfies my girlie!
Other than that the only other thing I use is a Bonnie Bell bronzer that my friend Tracy Ross taught me to use when I was 15. She was a great make-up teacher but I have forgotten everything but that. I think the bottom line for me is my face has a slack ass keeper and has come to accept the state of it's unmadeupness! :)
Mascara and pink lipstick-that's me ..rockin my girlie!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spawn and the GIRL..and a mouse

Spawn met a girl visiting her grandparents(who live in our neighborhood) over the x-mas holidays. she lives out of state. There has been some texting action going on-I am aware of it. Lately some phone calling..again aware.. BECAUSE he tells me about it! She will be thereafter referred to as "GIRL".
S-"GIRL is a vegetarian..she believes animal flesh is nauseating."
M-"Wow -that is awesome for her! Nauseating is always good! Mini-corn-dogs for supper, with fresh spinach and raw carrots?"
S-"GIRL writes poetry...she calls it her laments"
M-"Spawn, 14 year old girls ALL lament!!!!!! It is an inexplicable developmental stage for teenage girls!! They lament, pine, despair, sigh and write poetry about lamenting and pining! "
M-"NEVER mind...."
S-" GIRL paints and draws -she is an artist-like you, Mom!"
M-" That is AWESOME! awesome..."

S-" GIRL listens to alternative rock. She wants me to listen to some of her favorite bands so I can kind of get into what she likes and feels."
M-" Awesome and I am all about you getting into what she likes and feels, since she lives across the country!! feel on, dude! What does she think about your rap?"
S-" That is downgrades women and has nothing substitutive to offer the world."
M-" But you can rock the booty to it , right?"
GIRL is not bothering me...not causing a ripple in my pond til last week....
MONDAY: Spawn is listening to inappropriate rap and killing people right and left on Black Ops-eating bacon and pancakes for supper..just another peaceful night at home! :)
TUESDAY AM: Shrieking like a baby girl -ME-"Mouse!!!!!!"
Rat Terrier nails clicking on the floor -Spawn behind her with a golf club- a driver, and for the next 10 minutes chaos in the kitchen trying to catch a mouse ( dog, boy and golf club!) -it got away....
M-" What in god's name are you listening to and why are you playing it over and over again????"
S-"GIRL'S favorite song right now-trying to get some insight into how she feels?"
M-"YAY-turn it off or use earplugs cause I cannot listen to that one more time!!!"
S-" you don't like it?"
M-"in a word -NO. Are you going to set these mouse traps???"
S-"Can you?"
M-"-oh hell yeah i can"
WEDNESDAY AM: mommy's peanut butter baited trap got the mouse! YAY! Woke up Spawn at the regular time!!
M-" got the mouse, got the mouse!!! want to see it!"
S-" I can't look at it. I am sad we caught it and now it's dead."
S-"I talked to GIRL last night and she is concerned we don't have an animal friendly house and so I am I, Mom."
S-"that mouse was just seeking a warm place to live and we killed it"
M-"SO does this mean you are not going to free the dead mouse from the trap and throw it in the woods?"
S-"I can' makes me sad."
M-" YOU who kill squirrels and EAT them??? This makes you sad?"
S-"yes.. I am starting to rethink that..."
M-" Fine!"
S-"What are you going to do with it?"
M-" I am going to throw the mouse and the whole damn trap in the woods. AND son, that mouse would still be alive if it had tried to find it's warm place OUTSIDE! AND-can I just say girls don't know every thing! And truthfully I say to you over the body of this mouse, don't adjust yourself to fit the GIRL. Find a girl that fits you and you fit her...just the way you are. Alot of grown-ups haven't figured this out and it leads to grown-up LAMENT."
S-" you are talking too much!"
This week we are back to rap and Black ops! :)
Until tonight....
S-" I think maybe I should go for the super religious girls...they are really cute and have never had a boyfriend..."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

little gypsy in the palace

There is just something really nice about staying at someone's house, especially if it is super nice AND they aren't there!!! If I am not in my own home and don't have something to clean, or wash or create or fix..i am lost..seriously! I don't watch TV-i forgot to bring a book and this is the note I got on the kitchen ISLAND:
LOVIN:Do not attempt to take care of the dog in any way-I have someone who does that and should you be there when they come by-wave and mumble. DO NOT even think about lighting a fire in the fireplace-i think we both know why. DO not COOK anything-it is a very complicated gas stove-just don't. there is lots of food in the refrig-eat it cold or microwave it. Drink anything you want-enjoy the deck-do not attempt to uncover the hotub, skinny ass girl..and i mean that! You may use the jet tub in the master bedroom...sigh..DO not go through my shit or handle anything that looks valuable please,spastic girl! have fun! your friend
so I am just drinking,scampering from floor to floor,playing music loud and later i will take a long hot bath in his huge tub and i will sooooo go through his shit-lol-i won't really..not my style
and I will be gone before he returns
nice to be in a place where you have nothing to do at all but wander around with yourself for an evening :)

Friday, March 11, 2011

rockin' the girlie-part one

In the last year I have had this odd desire to embrace my inner and outer "girlie-ness". Spawn would say this is just another humiliating by-product of my "POST" mid-life crisis.
Several times over the past year my efforts have resulted in the "teacup man" blocking the door and saying absurdly hilarious shit like, " You are not leaving the house looking like that ,Missy!" He forgets that I can still pick him up off the floor and move him out of the way, except he does that "protester limp noodle" trick and we both end up on the floor. These incidents ended with me unable to breathe because I am laughing so hard or giving him the look that he calls "when you give me that look you seriously make me afraid you are going to sell me to gypsies when I am sleeping" look! PLEEZE..I don't know any gypsies...although..never mind! :)
I think I have made strides with the fashion girlie-ness. I try to wear more pink! Although i would prefer to just wear black and black or some other color and black. This past year I bought my first ever PAIRS of hot 4 inch hooker shoes! I find I like being 5"11. Those with some shortish professional black skirts and some cute tops-girlie!! I have not girlied as well as I should have over the winter cause it's phucking COLD! :) But I am getting the girlie fashion's a process! Pink and white nails-pink toenails-got that girlie going on! Making an effort to wear matching jewelry AND underwear. This really adds time to your morning get ready..I'm just saying.
Internally, I have tried to be ..huh..tried to be know..softer and twirly-er and softer. I have decided " I am a princess and so shall I be treated!" This seems very girlie to me and makes some sense. I try to look at myself in the mirror every morning and repeat this but phuck-it either cracks me up or irritates me. Working on it!
I think I am making good ,steady progress with the girlie-ness EXCEPT for
HAIR AND MAKE-UP..having some major suckage with this girlie area!
I have no skill set in either area

Saturday, March 5, 2011

TATS and that..part 2

I visited the picture of my tattoo at least once a week for about a month..waiting..for what I wasn't sure. When you ask people who have tattoos about getting a tattoo you never get the same answer.
"Does it hurt?"
"hell yes"
" like having a baby-hurts like hell at the time and then you simply forget about it when it's over"
"minor discomfort"
"i really didn't think it hurt that bad."
"doesn't really hurt at all" CHECK-choosing to go with this answer!
" Where is the best place to get a tattoo in terms of pain avoidance?????"
" the arm!"
"thigh and the butt!"
"hip is good!"
"shoulder will be pain free! "
"any fat part-lol"
"avoid bony areas!!!" uh hell! well I'm screwed on this one
"What do I need to know before I go?"
"Don't drink the night before at all-makes it worse."
"drink before you go!"
"Go drunk"
"Better take a nerve pill before ya go!"
"Fine to drink the night before-doesn't matter on e way or another" CHECK-choosing to go with this answer.
The week before my birthday, I went to Beth's office and said, "This Saturday! I'll pick you up at 10:30 because I want to be there when they open, so I can go first!"
"Ahhh before the hungover riff raff stumbles in for their regular Saturday am tattoo!"
"You gonna have a few beers Friday night to build your courage up?"
" A few and a few of their buddies!! Did you decide you are getting?"
" Amnesty International symbol on my arm."
"Ahhhh cause nothing says , I am a sweet girl, like a little barbed wire tattooed on your arm!!!!"
"I AM AN ACTIVIST! You are getting little flowers and butterflies, what does that say about you"
"That I am a feisty, classy, intelligent, sexy princess and so shall I be treated!"
"BHAHAHAHA-nothing says feisty like a butterfly!!! YOU are a nut ball!"
"That too!"
For the past month I had endured daily grilling, arguing and pleading from Spawn about the tattoo.When i would calmly assert that YES I still intended to get one, he would have mock tantrums where he pretended to have seizures on the carpet when I said the word TATTOO. Those were fairly amusing to watch. In a nut shell-I was humiliating him, he would never be able to have friends over again , I was obviously going through a POST mid-life crisis ( since he determined i was too old for a MID-life crisis) I was too old for a tattoo and within months when my skin wrinkled to that of a 90 year old? my tattoo would look like a shriveled up prune of color, AND it was just TRASHY! WHITE TRASHY!
So it should come as no surprise the Saturday I picked to go was one when he wasn't home!
We were the first people there when they opened the doors and yet had to wait a bit because these people are LAID ASS BACK and in a hurry for nothing! Beth and I decided we would get ours done by the same person and she would sit with me while I got mine done and then I would sit with her.
So with great dread, excitement and sheer terror I got positioned sideways in a chair in the most awkward possible position with my pants pulled half down over my ass. WOW, so far..not so good! And I hoped like hell my granny was not watching from heaven-hoping it was her heavenly bridge day!
The artist started his tunes, sipped his coffee, chatted with Beth and started to work.
Can I just say... IT HURTS! No gray area here... HURTS!!!!!
After about 30 minutes, during which I did not whine, cry or sob like a baby, Beth walks around behind me to look.
"Looks good!"
"Is he done???!!!"
" No -he has just finished the outline! Gotta add the color!"
"I decided I don't WANT the color! " I'll take it as is!"
They both laughed and I got another 30 minutes of the same. I should have taken a nerve pill seriously!
But when it was over-whoever said you just forget about the pain was right. Beth got hers and we left two happy chicks and I was quite proud of myself!
Beth said, " I really liked "ROW BEE", didn't you? And what a cool name!"
"ROW BEE, our tattoo guy, very cool , very laid back!"
"Do you mean ROBBY?"
"No, his name was spelled "Roby"... ROW BEE"
"No, Beth "Roby" is Robby with one b and besides he said his name was ROBBY!"
"oh I must have missed that part. Well, that is rather ordinary name for a tattoo artist"
" REALLY? Well, let me just say I am not getting a tattoo from a guy named it!"
"got it!"
Always good to have a friend that will go with you to get a tattoo...and even though I can't actually see my tattoo without some major contortions in the mirror, I hear it looks good! ;)
And two months later I went back and got another one!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

TATS and that..part 1

So about this time last year.... i decided to get a tattoo for my 49th birthday in April. The times I had thought about getting a tattoo in the 49 previous years would be ......not one. I have girlfriends that have beautiful tattoos and i have always thought they looked really good on them or at least not really bad but I never once thought of getting one.
Not a single Lovin, on my backyard family tree, has a tattoo. We have(disclaimer-does not apply to every LOVIN!!) church guilt, commitment issues, onion sensitivity, merging onto interstate panic, imaginary boyfriends, Lowder thighs (lol-Rams only),mentally ill dogs,the ability to knit,long legs, a love of reading...but no tattoos.
I made this decision,in my tiny head! I would get a tattoo and I wanted it in the middle of my lower back,right above my ass -a tramp stamp!!! When I told Spawn and Spawn's dad I was met with overwhelming... disbelief and some real OBJECTIONS! To summarize-TOO OLD. Spawn was appalled!! The discussions we had are too lengthy to go into but it was surprising to me how much they both cared about a tattoo on my "old" body. So, I stopped talking about it and started haunting the tattoo parlor with my friend Beth after lunch every day and it went something like this:
B-ohhh dragons!
A-huh no
B-look! a snake eating a mouse!!!
B-oh look oh look..a naked lady WITH a snake!
B-flying MONKEYS
A-Own it!
B-Look a dragon eating another dragon with a naked woman on his back!!!!!
I finally found my tramp stamp and Beth agreed to come with..cause she was gonna get another flowers for her-lol