Monday, January 31, 2011

butter OWNS me!

SO "way too famous rodent/lovy dovy" month, also know as "shank me " month is ALSO -woo hoo-the month a year ago I gave up NEWS! I have not listened to NPR, read a newspaper, watched local or national news, read one bit of news, important or just entertainment in ONE year! Do I feel less informed-YES I DO! Do I feel less stressed and worried-YES I DO! Do I cuss less-yes somewhat!

And I haven't watch ANY TV in a year except for True Blood, Spartacus, Trailer Park Boys and an occasional episode of The League-which i am strangely drawn to but can only watch one episode at a time because every episode so satisfies my "MEN might be STUPIDER than I thought" jones! More than one episode at a time might cause me to OD!

Anyway I have had time this year to think about more important things than the turmoil of the world, the state of the union or who got shot outside a nightclub in Charlotte, or who got arrested for prostitution outside the bathrooms in the square of downtown Hickory! :)

And one of the things I have thought alot about is BUTTER! Stick,tub,pat,sweet,creamy, salted,unsalted- Butter is the PERFECT food-I have decided! NOT ONLY does it taste phucking perfect all by adds such taste perfection to everything you add it to. Whether you are frying,grilling,marinating, saute-ing, baking, whipping, icing..butter makes everything better-butter is my favorite food-bar none! I will confess to be being a dairy product whore but butter owns me!
AND AND!!!! it is such a great word..buttery smooth,buttery hot, warm and buttery(dang i am feeling something-aren't YOU!)like butter, butterfly, butter!
butter it up. butter cup!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

blue balls and mowing

Today was AWESOME! 70 degrees and sunny! It renewed me-made me think about bare legs,short skirts and hooker shoes! the pool! sitting in the sun and reading! walking in dappled sunlight !MOWING! I will worship mowing..this is my vow! I will create a shrine to mowing..candles,a little john deer of lush grass! AHHH..sweet sweat! Just get me the phuck through February! This is time every year I break down...i can put my head down and push through Nov. Dec and Jan. But at the end of Jan., I hit a brick wall because of FEBRUARY! The blue ball month of Winter..because it might touch ya with a pleasant day or two but there is NO DAMN WAY you are getting warm and laid!
Plus it has the groundhog day and that little furry asshole always sees 6 more weeks of winter and HEART day or in my world the day mommy has traditionally gotten a small appliance and a fold-out card that depicts her as a fluffy farm animal. Single this year so hopefully NO cards-except from my dad-he always sends me and my sisters the best heart day cards!
FEBRUARY! Hate it! I realize I live in the south and I HAVE no idea what a real winter is but seriously I would shank myself before i found out. This is bad enough and maybe it's because I am getting older but just lasts too long in North Carolina!
This is the time of year I really start to feel blue...where is GLOBAL WARMING? It isn't here..wouldn't global warming mean like winters would be warmer..a little Fla. creeping up this way......mmmmm...yummy!
I will get through it, I do every year. February is a short month I know but it is followed by that moody ass bitch of a month March...sooo unpredictable. And then there is April...SWEET!
IF the groundhog doesn't predict 6 more weeks of winter, I am cashing in my change jar and getting a pedicure! And if 6 more weeks of winter is what we are having..i am going to continue to get naked in the tanning bed at lunch and buy mangoes! and be blue but DREAM about mowing....

Friday, January 28, 2011


Some days are just more "sun on your face,twirl around with your arms out and fall down in soft green grass" days than others!!! Today was one of those days! It was a Friday( bonus points),ta da! It was 54 and sunny and I could have wrapped my arms around that 54 and kissed it! Instead of making my breakfast and taking it to work, i said "phuck it! I am going to BoJangles! I got me a CAJUN filet biscuit and some Bo-Rounds and a big Un-sweet tea.( I will say the whole fast food /ketchup issue seems to be across the board-cause I asked for ketchup and you get FOUR Bo-Rounds and THREE ketchups-this math does not work for me!)
I got to work and there was a Krispy Kreme hot donuts in the fax room one. Chocolate icing/creme filled! Had a training from 9 to 12-they had bagels!!!! and creme CHEESE!! Magic breakfast food fairy day!!!!!
Training finished just in time for LUNCH! Tanning bed and a prime rib sub from Quiznos um um Hot and toasty! And ran my salty ass car through a car wash!!! This made me sooooo happy-although-i will admit to having car wash issues. Because does seem like your car is moving-even though it is not and you are alone and trapped in a car that seems to be moving but isn't. It's unnerving BUT I survived and you have no idea how proud it makes me and the car is CLEAN!!!
Spawn calls me at bout to get off work time to say he is going to a high school basketball game with a GIRL and her parents and will be gone til LATER! I get home and it's FRIDAY and put on my sweats and breathe. AND a man I like made me a raspberry creme pie from scratch..from the pie crust up! I am going to eat some that tomorrow but he sent me a picture and it made me happy today! Because it's just been that kind of day! :)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

there are balls and then there are AIR SOFT balls

So I am driving home today and I get behind this car that has a bumper sticker that is take off on the "got milk" theme and it says "got balls". And I wonder if they mean, DO I personally have balls or do I have access to some? Do they mean that literally or figuratively? And REALLY, REALLY ,what are you thinking when you adhere this to your bumper. Well figuratively I DO and I can get hold of some real ones if I need to or/and I have ones I can hold, same thing.
WHICH has nothing to do with this blog ,which is about one of my favorite Spawn/Mommy stories and someone PLEASE remind me I got to get hamster food tomorrow!!! Although, I do have a great neighbor I could borrow some from in a pinch-how awesome is that!
So it is a Sunday afternoon and I am on the internet-whatevering :)! AND thank god it was a little chilly cause I had on grown-up clothes and thank god it wasn't 4:00 pm cause I did not have a beer beside me. And Spawn has gone up the road with one friend to collect another friend to come back and have a " air soft gun" war?? I do remember SPECIFICALLY saying, " Don't shoot those guns between here and there!" That was like an a really good distracted mommy call and what Smokey Mountain girl doesn't dream of being able to tell her son that one day!
So a bit of time goes by and then Spawn comes crashing into the house and say, "MOM, there is someone outside to see you!!!!"
Before I can say "What? WHAT? WTF, get rid of them! " He is gone!
So I am pissed-everybody knows-company don't come without calling(so possibly it is bible people or gutter salesmen-pissed either way!)'s just a thing!
I walk out my front door ready to.....there are THREE, count them THREE police cars in my driveway! Tuck the anger away for LATER and smile! Excuse me officer, what seems to be the problem :)
"Ma'am, are you the parent for one of these boys?" and four pairs of boy eyes turn away from me.
"Why yes,officer, I AM. What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, we had a report from your neighbor at the top of the hill that there was a group of boys roaming the neighborhood shooting BB guns and they shot this gentleman's daughter in the stomach."
AT THAT MOMENT I turned the steely death ray laser green eyes from hell on my child and oddly he did not look up-LOL! None of them did-four little heads hung in shame...
"Officer, we don't have BB guns, we have air soft guns and as you can see they are all right here and accounted for>"
"Well, since this was an air soft incident (LOL) we do not need to be involved. We will need to explain to your neighbor that this is not a police matter."
"Absolutely and the boys will go up and apologize for shooting the girl in the stomach."
Two cars left and we were left with just one officer..the EXPLAINER. So I said the boys and I would met him up at the top of the hill at the house. He walked halfway across the yard, turned back, looked at me and said, " Maybe it would be a good idea if i ride them up there in the backseat of the patrol car?"
And for the first time since I walked outside, four pairs of eyes,looked pleadingly at me and I said....
"That is an excellent idea!"
So he stuffed them in the back seat, I met them at the house at the top of the hill, the officer explained the daughter was hit in the stomach with an air soft gun at a bit of a distance, the father sternly told them boys to be more respectful. The boys apologized-it was watery and piss-poor in a way that I think is unique to men-but,that's just me. AND as we turned to leave...the mother spoke and she said, " You BOYS need to be careful! Not be shooting a girl up all in this area (demonstrating with circling hand motions) CAUSE they stuff going on. Show them where you got hit, Molly."
There is a collective "No" Molly included , the police officer and I have to turn away because we are having a hard time maintaining our adultness.
I say, " Sorry for your ...your..injury, Molly" and gather the boys to march them back down the hill,

I am walking in front of them and i hear one little boy voice say, "I am pretty they are attached, I don't think you can shoot them off" and another little boy voice said, "Well, it ain't she got she actually has STUFF going on!" I turned around and said, "YOUR air soft guns are now my air soft guns and go watch tv and try not to mess with anything somebody got going on up there!"
And I had a beer before 4 pm on a Sunday before I called three mothers to tell them their sons had taken a their first ride in a police car under my watch!
We will talk about my balls later!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

sex and meetings

I figured out recently because I was in a "shank yourself" meeting at work that I may have serious attention issues. I may have adult wandering wool-gathering disorder or AWW! Anyway, I like it, my mind jumps around, during not active brain times (meetings) or sometimes when just having a conversation with another person, like a Mexican jumping bean.
And it amuses me.. like in a recent meeting I was thinking about Spawn's comment the last time he cleaned the hamster cage, "MOM, please find someone to take Oscar, I need a more manly pet!" and I said, "define manly" He said "a lizard, they are cool, just lay there,hang out" and I thought, YES, that sounds manly to me-lol! Told him, huh NO!
Thought about sex
Then thinking about how Spawn got on the bulk up protein thing and I actually cooked eggs and bacon every morning for a month and then he said, "Dang mom,i don't think i can eat this another day! Can I please have cereal,tomorrow!" WELL hell YES--cereal! Mommy's friend! hell yes! Do you think, for one day of my life, I have gotten up and cooked breakfast for any other male in my life. Why no.
Thought about sex-briefly! cause someone directed a question to me-wtf...blah ,blah,blah
Spawn goes.."MOM you opened the door and woke me up just when I was having a dream about opening a door in black ops and you scared the mother lovin sheeee out of me" lol i am the mother Lovin!

I am at the end of my very crusty and hard candy corn and I will have to say good-bye til next fall because -YAY-Valentine's DAY-means red hots!!!! and red gummy hearts!
Thought about sex..mmmm
OMG they are still talking...hummm that is some very interesting eye make-up-i soo suck at make-up application-i wish i had someone who came to my house to do it for me... a naked cowboy perhaps...sigh
i hate valentine's day
thought about sex briefly-HEY-i need to return that damn game and get oreos.
ohhhh her earrings are so pretty
i wish i lived on an island...thought about sex
what time is it,thought about sex and i need to pick up dog food.. Spawn wants to be
i need a fixture for above the kitchen sink..i wish I knew a man who rode a thinking
i should think less about sex..i wish it was warmer...
ding a text from Spawn-"i have spilled a carton of milk on my pants, can you bring sweat pants"
OH THANK you YES! emergency!
Driving home-driving to school, listening to Nelly..thinking about sex-honestly i may think about it as often as a teenage boy..but i'm just thinking...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

HMWT Syndrome and time OFF

Dear Spawn,
Although we have had this discussion many,many times, sometimes it is worth having again! Like when you make snarky little comments like you made when you got home today.
And HEY,mommy missed you too -BTW! Not really, it was only two days and honestly I think it would take alot more time than that for me to actually miss my 13 year old boy who believes he is my keeper/warden/daddy/morale compass and fashion police officer. I think you would have to be gone for at least a week ( time for the reality of your sassy, opinionated, eye-rolling, happy mouth to fade to misty memories of my sweet little boy laughing with out-stretched arms, wearing overalls, running to me and throwing his chunky arms around me and saying "I love you, mommy"-that kind of time). You would have to be gone for a week, I would have had to read every book in this house, watched every episode of True Blood, Spartacus and Trailer Park Boys TWICE, have cleaned the house to the baseboards and be out of beer for me to be truly pining for ya. Just kidding, sort of!
Back to our "Hey, Mom, watch this!!!" issue. Also know as the HMWT Syndrome. I do not know if other mothers and children suffer from this but WE, as you well know, have been aware of our affliction with this disorder since you were three. I think your comment today. made me aware you need to remember there IS a positive side to disorder.I am aware that only the two of us and close family was aware that we suffered from this before today, but maybe by sharing we can help others. I have stopped being frustrated by it. I just wish sometimes you would remember we have it and save us both some time.
I first became aware of the problem when you were three and understandably wanted me to to witness your many triumphs. Like when you said, "Mommy,Mommy, watch me catch the ball when Bubby throws it to me!" and after ball was thrown over and over and you didn't. You wandered away to new pursuits and your brother looked at me and said, "Wow ,i don't understand it. He caught it every time before we came in here to show you." Later that week you said, "Mommy,Mommy come watch me pee in the big potty!!!!" OH YAY! And yet somehow every time that weekend you tried to show me, that stream of pee ended up to the left, right, above or below the toilet.
That Monday, when I took you into daycare, I was like, "Uh, hey, Miss Kim,like I thought you potty trained him????" (because honestly Son, someone had to and she was better at it than I was) She said, " That is odd because he always hits the mark here! Sharp Shooter!" Sigh....
As time went on I realized we had a PROBLEM! From jump shots,to magic tricks,to cartwheels, to yoyo tricks, to bike or skateboard feats of greatness, to recitation of new rap lyrics...all successful until you utter those words, " Hey Mom, watch this!"
I knew we suffered from HMWT Syndrome for several years before you were old enough to discuss it with me. After you became frustrated trying to show me that you could keep a balloon in the air for 30 consecutive pop up taps, I explained that because we suffered from the syndrome and anything you tried to show me was doomed to end in failure. SO perhaps you needed to, I don't know, stop constantly try to show me stuff, like when i was cleaning a toilet, or on the phone, or in the damn bathroom. You were in a denial, and a child and of course continued to try to show me stuff and it continued to fail in front of me. I continued to gently remind you when you pounced on me while mopping to show me a rubber band trick, that it probably wasn't going to work because of HMWT syndrome -we both almost lost our eyes that time.
But we continue to live with it and deal with it. And there have been breakthroughs! When you said, "Hey Mom, watch this! This is my impression of a frazzled deer!" SON, that was the damn funniest thing I have ever seen in my life- you looked nothing like a deer but you made the "frazzled" work and I laughed til I cried.
So tonight, when you came in and said (sarcastically), " WOW,MOM, the only game you don't come to, cause you don't feel good, we win and I get an AWEsome assist. Guess you are sorry you missed it!"
HELLO-HMWT Syndrome!!! Spawn, you won because I wasn't there!! And let's be honest, last week I went and read through the whole game, cause I don't understand it and it's just a tad boring and you lost.
I will continue to understand that this is a lifetime disorder and you will continue to TRY to disprove it. That's okay, because as it worked in your favor will work in mine someday.
You come home in the future and say, " Hey Mom, I am going to ask Nicole to marry me!" and I have decided that Nicole is totally and completely wrong for you. I am going to say, " Hey Son, Wouldn't it be GREAT to do it ,like, at a party here! That way I can WATCH!" kiss!
Love, Mommy,
who has enjoyed and clapped at every failed attempt because YOU are the stop bothering me ;)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

work,work,work and a cupcake!

So , I have a job where no one is really ever particularly EXCITED to be a client. And sometimes they are really pissed to be having to "accept" our services. But generally people behave on some appropriate level and we soothe, smooth and cajole our way with them to success-one way or the other. One of the many SUPER things about being a boss is that you get to deal with the un-soothed, un-smoothed and un-cajoled. So I had a man in my office recently and he was ..hummm...really fucking mad. I had listened to his ranting for about 15 minutes,polite,professional and reasonably soothing. But then he stood up, still ranting (i had already decided he was not leaving happy-ding damn it!) and I stood up and I think he failed to notice the narrowing of my eyes into tiny lasers and then it happened!
and before my " Sir, you will need to refrain from threatening me" statement came out of my mouth , I LAUGHED OUTLOUD...seriously! really loudly and quite freely!
And his eyes got big and mine got big and the tension left the room...just like that.
After he left, I sat down at my desk and thought oh my god i have become a teenager again..i no longer fear death..I think I am invincible knees were shaking! And then I thought...have I not been working long enough...yes I HAVE, yes I have!
I got my work permit at 15 so I could work at men's cafeteria on campus-my friends said it was a SWEET job. they were soooooo right. So what if you had to wear a hairnet..a 15 year old girl can WORK a hairnet! All those college guys and the special treat was the football players came in after practice after the regular cafeteria hours was girl heaven...NO LIE! and they paid us! Not the football ball players-lol-the cafeteria! The football players played us!
I waitressed in college and after was a restaurant manager, a liquor store clerk( had a horrible "guy jacking off in his truck" in front of the store episode), a cop( QUEEN of the stolen bike calls!),a book store manager(my workers were always giving plasma at lunch???),worked in group homes, a social worker, supervised group homes, and now supervise social workers. I like my job but I have decided in my new teenage " i am invincible" mindset know, i have worked all i want to....just kidding! I am sure if a man with money totally swept me off my feet and said "You will never work again, my princess" I would sooo be tempted and if he looked like Usher,,,,no ..if he was Usher..i would say YES! Otherwise..seriously..I am a working girl..a paycheck and a cupcake, BABY!
and I am ok with that....

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

a bit of crow...

Okay Tracy..this is for you!

You know how sometimes you think you have hit upon the perfect plan. You were faced with a dilemma, you roll it over and over in your head and THEN you hit on the solution!( "we can rebuild her"-ignore-i have the bionic woman on the brain for some reason) In your head you, twirl around,pat yourself on the back, and the crowd goes wild! and twirl around some more. Sit back, put your feet up ,nod and think...problem solved..i am a situational GENIUS! yeah..probably
So, when i decided to start dating, i had the old people meet dating site stuff going on,i had some facebook stuff going on- what i did not have was DATE TIME. I had four,count em four, date nights a month. Well, there was a bit of supply and demand problem..I KNOW!!!!! I WAS a little overwhelmed by that too! the older dating game is different-as i was finding out-anyway Inexplicably i was covered up in date requests. The logistics confused me..not hard to do. I remembered something someone said about a dating rotation but for the life of me I could not remember the details or who told me about it.
I finally asked my sister.
"Do you remember someone telling us about a dating rotation where people were rotated in and out. LIKE i know YOU didn't tell me about it but I think you were there when i heard about it. Do you remember who told us about that?"
MB gave me the perfect eyebrow arch and smirk and said, "Yes, I do."
"Well, who was it, i want to ask them for the details!"
Then I get the DELIGHTED smirk, " It was your step-daughter!!!!!"
"ohhhhh, ding dang it! I guess it would be way NOT OK to call and ask her for the details...."
" WAY NOT OK,Apes, way"

Fine! I tackled the problem myself. I had four days per month, if I decided if each two day period was divided into 3 date slots..that would give me 6 date slots per month-if i picked 6 people to date that would give them an every other weekend,every other weekend date slot..translating into a once a month date for 6 people..let go of the back of the bike seat Daddy-I am doing MATH!!
I needed to pick my top 6 people and slot them in...if for whatever reason-like you don't want to date a girl with a dating rotation-lol- or i just decided huh no-you were rotated out and someone else was rotated in. So i had a secondary list-mainly people that I didn't know when i made the first list. YAY! I KNOW-this may perfect sense to me in the moment. ( Am I guy sounding ..seriously am I?-it scares me)
So I embarked on the dating rotation and my great plan was fucking DISASTER! Why, because i am too damn old for it! IT was EXHAUSTING! I had to use 3 by 5 note cards to keep up with it. I kept getting confused about where I was going when. I lasted two months and shut the bitch down. I had several people who were a month out and I went on those dates cause they were already set up but I was like ,sorry dude..shutting the rotation down, I don't care if you are a prince..i am not the princess of dating.
I am not complaining ( woo hoo-how nice is it to be popular at 50-it is) I feel like i walked to the waters edge to find a treasure chest. I have picked up one or two precious stones and I am now sitting on the beach, drinking a beer and relaxing!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

CANDY Nails and chatter

snow,spawn,work,can't get to work,snow spawn,work for WHATEVER reason-I got two weeks behind on my dang Deja Vu nail appointment-which for some insane reason causes me great muted panic! This has only happened one time before in the past year and it caused me to have to go to my boss, THE LEAVE OGRE, and say,"I am going to have to take an extra half hour at lunch today to get my nails done because if I don't, I think I may seriously shank myself." I think she had never heard the word "shank" before and it threw her off her leave policing game and she said ok!
I have been a nail biter since i got my first tooth sooooo I have never had pretty girl finger nails. My dad used to say, " Oh ,when i was growing up,we just put chicken shit on nail biters fingers and it cured them." Sweet, DAD, huhhh don't see any chicken shit around here! I tried that nasty tasting stuff you could buy at the drugstore..i learned to like it. I gave up and just lived with it..until last December(09)!
I was in my friend Sherry's office and she was talking and all I could see were her nails-cause I was pretty sure they weren't there the day before.
"Sherry! Your nails are beautiful! Did you have those before today?"
"No, chica! I got these and white gel nails..go get some..aren't they pretty!"
So pretty I almost licked them..BUT i didn't..but they did look like pretty!
So two days later my dad said, what do you want for x-mas-I always say whatever and then they give me whatever. Instead last year what came out of my mouth was, " Dad, could you get me a gift certificate to Deja Vu nails for pink and white gel nails....?" He said, sure!
So gift certificate in hand , a year ago December I parked and approached the NAIL SALON. I had never been in one before and anyone who knows me knows-UNFAMILIAR situations cause me some STRESS.
But I put one foot in front of the other, go Apes, go Apes, and walked in.
OH MY HOLY SHIT..this is a whole different world and one, that a year later brings me great comfort. Women chattering away to people who may or may not understand them but talking all the same. The people who work there occasionally speaking in a language I don't understand to each other.. probably about how stupid we are. Once this year i overheard a silly girl talking on her cell phone -realized she was talking about someone i knew and it was JUICY-lol -laughed inside my head the rest of the day about that!
I get my pink and white fill-in every three weeks and it may be the prettiest thing I have ever done for myself-no lie. But i also sit for an hour across from Mr. Lee -who has never spoken to me and I have never spoken to him and I the chatter..girl chatter...and I relax.
And I NEVER bite my nails! ;)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

WOO HOO moments and angels singing..

Yesterday, i spent a good 30 minutes, gazing out at the snow and having an internal discussion with myself about being "a well-rounded parent capable of sharing a multitude of fun,creative and educational experiences with your child" instead of just being,ummm, ME. So after taking my internal spanking, I got up and dragged myself to the living room where Spawn was relaxing and leisurely killing terrorists in warm snuggly comfort from the couch. I stood there looking at him,sighed and said," UH, Spawn, would you like to go sledding or for a nature walk in the snow?"
He looked up at me, briefly, and said..." UH, no."
And I think I heard angels singing!
I looked at his sweet,shiny face and asked, "How come?"
He looked at me, with less than love, :) and said, "Because it is too freakin cold and wet! Who wants to put on all those clothes, go outside, be cold and wet and come back in and take off all the wet clothes and be cold and wet until you get on dry, warm clothes. Pleeeze!"
OMG -I have raised a phucking GENIUS! I jumped on the couch beside him!
"That is SO TRUE,Son! I have said this for YEARS!!! Have you ever wanted to snow ski??????"
"No, MOM and could you please move and be quiet! This people don't kill themselves!"
"Me neither!!! I tried once and I slipped while holding on to the tow rope and knocked down 17 people behind me. They were pretty mad. It was a chain reaction kind of thing! Horrible experience!"
"MOM! Stop talking!"
" I am much more of a "by the lodge fire, DRINKING" kind of person! Or just screw the snow thing all together, on the beach, drinking!!!!"
"Mother, you are babbling, please go away!"
" K, let me know if you play poker or bake some cookies later!!!"

I love these special milestones on the parent train ride. Like the first time he looked at me and said ," I'm gonna use the potty." and " Mom, I'm too old to have my birthday party at Chuckie Cheese!" or my favorite lately, " Mom, please just drop me off, you don't have to come in!" angels singing.......

Thursday, January 6, 2011

skype sex and oatmeal! yummy!

spawn-taneous mommy chat
Me: "Oatmeal, instant breakfast or eggs?"
Spawn: " absolutely No skype sex, Mom and I mean it!"
Me: "WHAT?!"
Spawn: "you heard me! No skype sex! oatmeal."
Me:"So let me get the 13 year old BOY rules straight. No skype sex, no sexting, no phone sex, no dating, no hooker shoes,no clothes that make me look like i am 50 trying to 25 (no booty shorts,no sports bras,no short skirts,no low tops)......have I left ANY thing out from the last 6 months..tell me now-i am making a list."
Spawn: "NO more tats! No tanning bed. Act your age! No more calling me Spawn on fb or in your blog!"
Me: "Perhaps we should back up and you tell me what I can do-FOR THE SAKE of ARGUMENT" :)
Spawn: "MOM, you are like a crazy list maker-let's just check your list-this list on the counter."
Me: " ok but that is my home list. I have a work list,too and a long term/short term magic list and a car list...."
Me: "yes, but it just says clean out the car and wash it and I keep throwing it away when I clean out the car, so I have yet to wash it."
Spawn eye roll....what????
Spawn: " This home list is full of things that you can do! Go to the bank,do laundry, color hair....part hair in the middle...."
Me:" That's just a wild hair thought-hahahhaaha-i have always parted my hair on the side so i wanted to remind myself to try it in the middle..hahhahahahaha"
Spawn:" That is JUST STUPID! Ride exercise bike,,good! clean the upstairs bathrooms...dejunk guest room closet, clean garage...SEE this plenty for you to do."
Me: " Ha ha-you are funny ,baby!"
Spawn: "MOM!
Me: "SON!First of all, you have NO say over what i do or don't do and I have complete say over what you do or don't. So for now --total and complete SUCK-A-RAMA for you! Second, you have the mom you have and as we all know, that kind of makes you the kid you are. So-let's do this, I will try VERY hard not to embarrass you in front of your friends
(effort,effort,effort!) and I will try very hard to let you imagine I don't have friends" ;)
Spawn" "That makes no sense."
Spawn: "What?"
Me:"Oatmeal ready."
Spawn: "k"
Me:" :)

We all come to parenting, whether with our own children or those we work with, from different places. Nothing has worked better for me than just being myself. I have a witty,smart,affectionate,articulate,silly child and I think I deserve that! And when he really pissing me off-i soooo see myself in that and i deserve that too! Cause didn't ya parents say....JUST WAIT til you have kids!.... whatever.... ;)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I have enough sausage, thanks....

I returned to work after a long holiday break to 463 e-mails and 33 calls to return. And I will get to all that eventually. More concerning was the stunning realization that people might actually be listening to what I say!
This is kind of scary because I often speak without thinking BUT only when I know I won't get in trouble for anything that might come out of my mouth. Which is to say, I NEVER really speak without thinking, it only appears to others that I do. This allows me to say whatever the hell I please, and then look quizzical, shrug and say, "what????" when I ruffle feathers! That's just one of my "fun games to play with people at work that don't know they are playing" games! I got a bunch of them!
Anyway before I left for the holidays, I was in a meeting and someone down the table said something about getting one of those "Hickory Farms" food gifts for x-mas and how they loved the jelly (?-whatever) but hated the summer sausage. I turned to the person beside me and said, " I love summer sausage." That's it! That's all I said!!! I don't even think that many people heard me.
Yesterday when I checked my box on the way to my office, I had all kinds of work related crap and two small Swiss Colony summer sausages. At first I thought they were a gift but they were unadorned and alone. I thought, well, that's odd, but luckily for me I LOVE summer sausage! When I got to my office, I found two other summer sausages in a non-gift bag on my desk and two in my chair! Later in the day i got 3 slim Jim cheese/summer sausage combo snacks ( stocking stuffers?????) in my box! This morning I had four summer sausages- different sizes and brand names in my box and TWO freakin mini FRUIT CAKES and some kind of a pecan log! ( I am POSITIVE I have never used the words "fruit cake" except when referring to another human being) I think my box is becoming a repository for all the holiday food no one else in this building wants! Now I'm starting to suspect all these phucking candy canes weren't festive gifts of appreciation but instead dropped off like babies in baskets on the doorstep of "the home for orphan holiday food", office B 252. I will have to find an adoptive home for them, cause i am not eating candy canes!
HEY-why is when I say important things NOBODY listens and when I express a simple food like, it rains summer sausages!!!!
I love pink shoes! I love cost of living raises! ...sigh...
and off topic, Am I the only person who goes to Wendy's for a plain potato and a side salad and comes back with a Baconator and fries? They seriously need to stop putting pictures on fast food drive-thru menus! I'm just saying...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

stats and kisses!!!!!!

so, i had 870 views on my blog in December. I realize this not a wildfire but it's not a kitchen match either. And I totally appreciate you listening to my random-ness!
I thought i would start out January sharing a little about me by responding to some of the e-mails i got last month.

"you are one weird chick" -i know this,right! It is one of the things i like best about myself and Spawn likes to work that into at least one coversation per day!

"Are you ever worried about being struck down by god"-no
I used to worry about this when I was 16 and would sit in church on Sunday morning and replay, like porn. the night before, parking on some dark road,drinking malt duck and steaming up the windows! but then i got my schedule at the cafeteria changed to work lunch Sunday and that took care of that! Cause you can stand in a hair net and serve peas and have all the erotic thoughts you want...thunderbolt free! :)

"Are you serious?" nope- just about Spawn and work..the rest of it can float

"why do you blog?" submitted by spawn-because face book only allows me 249 characters and sometimes i have more than that to say AND i am going to turn 50 this year and i have vast knowledge to share and i live to annoy you...spawn found that WAY funny!...whatever, he has WAY too many every day questions, so since he isn't my friend on fb and doesn't read the blog..i am no longer responding here :)

"oatmeal-yes or no?"-YES if it has two scoops of ice cream,whipped cream,PE-CANS and someone else eats it! :)

"what's so great about the Smokey Mountains?" EVERYTHING! Best place ever..JACKSON COUNTY-CULLOWHEE/ Sylva/Cashiers/Cane Creek/East Laporte...i could go on forever!

"favorite color?" It was green like my eyes but now it's pink like my never mind! like my purse!

"what are you thinking?" i am thinking about how fucking great it is just to be thinking!-whether you are deeply thinking, over- thinking, thinking about nothing, sexy thinking, wishful thinking..spin around in a circle til you are dizzy, lay on the floor and think about MAGIC! kiss!

Here's to livermush and wise men!

WOO HOO! And that is not for the New Year, that is for the bacon, livermush,cheddar cheese sandwich I am about to have, even if it is on wheat bread!!! I don't really get the new year hoopla, i never have. I am a daily over-reflective person, so having to reflect back over an entire year would so overwhelm my brain, it would short-circuit. Plus it's not candy holiday, so there is no clear sugary goodness guidance for celebrating. It seems to be a drinking/ fireworks holiday but so is 4th of July but the two holidays appear to have nothing else in common. I don't really get 4th of July either, but i like hambugers and hotdogs! New Years doesn't even have that! I like drinking but I'm indifferent to fireworks, plus you can drink any day. I don't mind getting dressed up, but only if I'm not keeping the shit on for long. I don't mind going out, but only I'm not going to be out long. PLUS, parties,for me, without fail, always involve the stratgetic avoidance of the garden variety, "god, you are annoying" people to the seriously, "if you speak/sing/laugh one more time, i may have to kill you" people. Work, work,work and seriously not festive!
One bright spot! I have always thought of new years eve/day as the time i had to put all the sparkling,shiny x-mas shit back up...such a pain. But yesterday right when I was starting, Spawn,slunk sleepily downstairs,saw what i was doing and practically had a meltdown. NO LIE!
He yelled at me to "stop right there, Missy!" for a second I had to look around and make sure I wasn't caressing a naked cowboy in the living room in plain view of the child. He went on to tell me that we would not be taking down ANY of the WINTER decorations, not the tree, not the santa/snowman collection, not the silver snowflakes...none of it.
Having exhasted himself from the tirade he slumped on the couch and said we could put the stocking up as they were "lame ducks"! I started to ask him to explain that ,just for fun ,but i realized he would, so i didn't!
This was FINE with me, because except for laundry, that was all i had on my "to do "list. So the winter decorations are staying up and I have more time to catch up on season 3 of Trueblood.
But here is the cool thing. My friend Karen, who is a preacher, so she KNOWS this stuff, told me Spawn was actually right on to stop the dismantlement( i realize this may not be a word ).

She said,"The Pastor says: remember that Christmas isn't over until 12 days after Christmas which is Epiphany. Epiphany is on January 2nd.'re supposed to keep up the decorations until those wise men (oxymoron) come...or until you have an epiphany!!!"
So, since we know the "wise men" aren't coming-lol-I am keeping everything up until I have an epiphany! any day now... ;)