tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34857699172024656902024-02-20T19:48:26.333-08:00raising spawn and treading waterApril Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-24644809647045104082014-06-09T18:27:00.000-07:002014-06-09T18:27:02.260-07:00prophylactics and hard moments...no pun intendedSpawnteous/Mommy Text<br />
S:Can I buy 2 new swimsuits online?<br />
S: Or 1 swimsuit and some condoms but obviously I wouldn't buy those online.<br />
S:Unless there are some like awesome ass condoms online!<br />
M: Not with my money<br />
S: Whyyyyyyy?<br />
M: Because I don't have bathing suit money right now!<br />
S: But you said if I was responsible and asked for condoms, you would buy them for me.<br />
20 minute later...<br />
M: I got you condoms on the way home..they are on your bed<br />
<br />
OKAY I am sure I said that. I can see myself saying it..."Be responsible always...if you need condoms I will buy them for you." A couple things here...one there was an empty condom box in his trash last week..I didn't buy those. Two..he has a job now and three... do you have any idea how hard it is to stare at a WALL of magical promises condoms at Rite-Aid and pick out a box for your teenage son. Plus I have a history with condoms.<br />
When I was in college I worked at Revco in Sylva. Every night some guy would come in, causally look past me and move on to the wall of condoms to my right. They would sometimes take their time, others would just grab and then they would come to the cash register and slide them toward me with their hand covering them, NEVER failed..they had their hand over them. I am like... really... Dude i have to pick them up and see what the price is and punch it into the register. So I would glare and they would release them and I could ring them up. One night this guy comes in and walks right up to me and says, "Where are your prophylactics!"<br />
I pointed to my right and thought, I work with people here who would have said "huh". He did not cover his at all.<br />
Actually I had an encounter at Revco with my first husband before he was my first husband, he came running in right before we closed on Christmas Eve. He saw me, we had known each other since we were little kids, he said, " I just got into town. I need a Christmas present for my mother." I said, " Well have it. You got the whole store here."<br />
He came back 5 minutes later with a phuckin iron. I said, "Really!" He said, "Too mushy?"<br />
Then he slide a box of Magnum Condoms right in front of me. <br />
"Is this her stocking stuffer?"<br />
"haha no those are mine."<br />
"really?" I said. He paid and was out the door.<br />
I just also want to confess at this time when I worked at Revco....we looked at people's pictures and there was a whole lot going on in Jackson County and on the Rez baby!!!<br />
Later when we were married he told me I would have bought regular condoms but because you were there I felt compelled to buy Magnums. Smiling just thinking about it!<br />
So today as I looked at the wall of magical sexual condom promises...i thought I want something strong but it was so confusing..ribbed,lubricated, flavored,heated,tickling ...arghhhh<br />
I ended up buying Trojan ultra Ribbed Ecstasy with ultra smooth lubricant because I got overwhelmed. Why don't they sell "straight up iron clad i want my son to go to college and i am not ready to be a granny" condoms!!!<br />
Phuck my first husband died two weeks go and he was younger than me. He was one of the sweetest men I ever had the privilege to love. He and his not quite magnum will be missed! <br />
April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-53386690525668190622014-05-27T17:44:00.000-07:002014-05-27T18:34:24.470-07:00steps..grasshoppers and nipplesSo my friend Beth and I are driving around aimlessly on the first day the county instituted the no smoking on county property and she said, "First it's the smokers and next it will be fat people!"<br />
I said , " They can't do that!"<br />
She smiled sagely and said "Fat people!"<br />
Well..they did. They have given us 9 months to get our fat or cholesterol or blood pressure under control or we will pay a fat tax. BUT they have offered us a PEBBLE! a helpful pebble. If you wear it on your shoe and go by to the kickfit station in the agency it will download how many steps you have walked and you will be rewarded! So I paid for and ordered the pebble and the realized, my shoes are way too cute for this pebble!!!!<br />
So I got a Fit bit bracelet.But I am embracing the 10,000 steps a day just for me. You can shove your standing desk up your ass. I pop up and out of mine like a grasshopper.<br />
The county can't track me but..interestingly enough I went to our employee health connection for a possible sinus infection and the PA said "OMG you need to see a nutritionist. Your BMI is below 18%!"<br />
I said. "OKAY here is the thing. I decided 2 months ago to eat 5 servings of fresh fruits or vegetables a day and I am losing weight. I don't need to lose weight so this healthy eating is bad!!!!!!!"<br />
She said "No you aren't doing something right!"<br />
Whatever!<br />
Back to my musing....I am not going into the download station everyday so the county can log my steps but my fitbit does let me know when I have walked my 10,000 steps by vibrating on my wrist which almost always scares the shit out me.<br />
Fitbit tells me how many steps I have taken, how many minutes I have been active, it tells me how many hours I was asleep and how many minutes I was restless while sleeping. <br />
Here is what I want.. tell me how many times I smiled today...how many times I laughed..how many times I made someone else laugh. Tell me how many orgasms I had today..although I know that but does fitbit count those as active minutes...ohhhh i hope so!<br />
tell me how many times I have made a difference in someone's life ..because that's my job. I hope the county can wrap that into that pebble...not how many steps you take but how many you motivate others to take.<br />
I would also like the fitbit to report to how many times I piss Spawn off a day and how often I look at my nipples and think they are pretty. I need a spread sheet! :)<br />
The steps you take everyday are important ...but the steps you encourage others to take are your vibration.April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-71361106384172964012014-04-17T18:18:00.001-07:002014-04-17T18:18:39.969-07:00Netflixs and marathon kissing!So as we approach Spawn's 17th birthday, for the past almost year, I have left for work every morning saying, "Have a good day, son! Pay attention in class and get a job! I love you!"<br />
To which he has replied everyday either with " Have a good day, mom and I would rather have girlfriend! I love you or Have a good day and you suck and I love you." Either way starts my day starts sparkly!<br />
Or it could be the 2 steak biscuits I order and get from Melissa at the drive thru window at Bo Jangles. Melissa calls me "April honey",always makes sure I get mustard packets and occasionally likes to ask me questions about her EBT card although I have assured her over and over that is not what I do at DSS. Could be a bit of both but my day starts sparkly!<br />
But now Spawn has both a JOB and a girlfriend. He starts the job tomorrow and I try to have a SERIOUS talk about being a good employee and he looks me dead in the eye and says, " If you tell me one more more time about working 7 days a week at Brown cafeteria and having to wear a hairnet and working after many years up to dessert girl while you were in high school in the school that had all 12 grades in one building, I am going to start making you look at twitter posts I find amusing!"<br />
uhhh...I hate that. (change the subject...obviously he has heard my job talks in the past and retained some of it)<br />
M: So how is Lauren? Is she coming over tonight?<br />
The girlfriend thing is very interesting. She is a senior..he is not. She plays HS soccer... he plays HS nothing. She has been accepted to APP..which just sucks but there you go.. Spawn is going to move mountains to get his GPA out of "you will be going to community college after you graduate". It appears they have Netflixs, a love of marathon kissing, dark rooms and pot smoking (no confirmation on this just a hunch) in common. She appears to be a appears to be a lovely young girl. But on weekends they sit in the dark in the playroom and watch Netflixs for hours and kiss...the playroom is open on both sides so even though I try to hum loudly and walk heavily as I go by sometimes they just don't hear me. I call them vampire children.<br />
I am happy for Spawn that he finally has a girlfriend who doesn't have a monkey and whose father doesn't drive his family and daughters new boyfriend to buy a "trailer" in the hood with wads of cash and a gun Sorry.... last girlfriend...scary!<br />
I am proud and happy that Spawn finally has a job. Of course having the sucking sound coming from my wallet every time he walks in the room decreasing would be phucking excellent!<br />
Most of all I am happy to have a raised a kid who sends me off almost every morning with a you suck and and I love you! :)<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-63457539468270699402013-05-07T15:49:00.000-07:002013-05-07T15:49:15.986-07:00Sixteen Candles and Fanny Pack<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear Spawn,<div>
Happy SIXTEENTH Birthday!!!!! First, let's acknowledge that I managed to keep you alive for 16 years. There was some internal doubt about this when they handed me all 5 and a half pounds of you to me 16 years ago. But here we are and you are alive..healthy..your small mental health issues appear to be age specific. Despite the past couple difficult years, regarding our constant communication issues, it would seem at this time your " mother baggage" at this point is only enough to fill a fanny pack not suitcases. (future girlfriends can thank me later!)</div>
<div>
On this day of your birthday we seem to have two issues that are popping up fairly regularly and I would like to address them. </div>
<div>
I give you yesterday:</div>
<div>
S:YOU are an irrational SUPER overprotective mom!!!!!! Everyone else says, "Parents, going out to hang, be back later." and EVERYONE else's parents say, "Ok, see you later." (can I just say at this point, teenagers are great at using manipulation..great at using it..they just aren't GOOD at it! It's a skill, people!) </div>
<div>
Mom. I honestly believe that since you ran wild as a teenager you are overcompensating as a parent. You were a cool teenager( hahaha...so was not) who has turned into a totally uncool mother. Other parents trust their kids! A ten-o-clock curfew on weekends..really mom! I can't even go to parties like everyone else!"</div>
<div>
M: You have never asked me for permission to go to a party!</div>
<div>
S: Because you would want to know where it is!!!! You would want to take me! I am doomed!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yes, son, you are doomed. Ok, this is where this whole argument falls apart. I know EVERYONE else's parents doesn't just send their children out in the night and expect them to be back whenever and I know other parents set curfews and I could give a big rat's ass about being a cool parent. I have never been cool in my life and I am too old to start now. Maybe I did run wild as a teenager and maybe as a result I made alot of stupid decisions. And maybe, Spawn, this is less about trusting you than it is about trusting the people you may run into. So I am unapologetic about the SUPER overprotective stuff. But I will consider that maybe ....maybe I need to let go a little and let you..have some room to grow. SO curfew on weekends is 10:30-WOO HOO!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like I need to mention the 4/20/13 boy posse backpack search incident. Let me re-cap:</div>
<div>
You were supposed to be at you Dad's for the weekend. You show up in our backyard on Saturday saying your Dad dropped you off to "hang with unnamed posse boy"</div>
<div>
You leave</div>
<div>
I text and ask what the plan is</div>
<div>
you text and say you are spending the night with another unnamed posse boy (classic mistake..just saying)</div>
<div>
I text your Dad..he thinks you are spending the night with other boy</div>
<div>
I text and ask to speak to parents</div>
<div>
You text and say..."oh as it turns out they are out of town..we are coming to spend the night at our house"</div>
<div>
you and the posse comes over and then find a reason ( x-box) to walk across the neighborhood at night and BRB</div>
<div>
PLEASE-you guys have weed smokers written all over..I am sorry but you do</div>
<div>
So I give you time to get to the posse boy's house and then drive over to pick you up. I think that got me a hissed "You suck"</div>
<div>
Then as I drove you back home I did realize you all had backpacks that you did not have before you left. So I calmly said, "Boys, we will be having a backpack search in the garage when we get home."</div>
<div>
you hissed "I hate you! You are just doing this because it's 4/20"</div>
<div>
I did not find anything but I think it solidified my status as an uncool mom. I also had NO idea what 4/20 meant but I played it off like I knew exactly what I was doing! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The second issue seems to be embarrassing you. I will confess this is something that parents don't tell their kids when they become parents. I think it is one of the many hidden joys of parenthood. I will try to refrain from it but it by far the MOST fun thing about being a parent of a teenager. And it is so PHUCKING easy!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Most of all today what I want to tell you is how proud I am of you. You are very different from me when I was 16. You really like yourself. You think you are great and don't care if others don't. You like the way you look and the things you don't like assume puberty and time will take care of. You are confident in your humor and your ability to engage others. You are wonderful and sitting here..I am not sure how much credit I can take for that..I think that is you. But you have my eyes....</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /><br /></div>
April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-50449424894373719482012-02-04T17:59:00.000-08:002012-02-05T04:29:24.692-08:00the chalk writing arm flap and a BUTTmunchnutSPAWN-tanous /Mommy Conversation<br />
Spawn lying on the futon in the game room eyes glued to the TV and me standing in the doorway.<br />
M-"Spawn, feel my arm muscle."<br />
S-" Have you lost your mind??? That would be a no."<br />
M-"I have been working out like a fiend for three weeks . I want you to feel my arm muscle! Dude, at least do me the courtesy of looking at me when I am talking"<br />
HERE IS WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN (except inside my head)<br />
He cut his eyes toward me and mine fell on the TV remote. He realized it a moment to late and we both lunged for it at the same time! I came up with it cause I got the longer body! I turn the TV off and after an evil laugh, I say...<br />
M-"DO YOU KNOW how many times since you were born I have had to stop what I was doing to 'MOMMY, WATCH THIS!' feel this,fix this,find this,buy this,hug this,wash this,clean this, soothe this...make this better! Do you know how many times I have had to feel your arm muscle after every tiny little workout session AND look at your awesome six-pack..which I think we know are just your ribs, skinny boy! Since you are so critical of everything I do wrong..could you just support this one thing I am doing right and feel my arm muscle."<br />
S-" I am so sorry Mommy! I am so proud of you! (hell-since it's happening in my head -I am going to make it good!) I will feel your arm muscle and WOW you are really working off your 6th grade teacher's chalk writing arm flap! Way to go! Maybe you need a boyfriend to feel your arm muscle..I would totally support that!MOM-you are the best! I don't deserve you and yet here you are! I am truly blessed (lol) and you are so cute!"<br />
HERE IS WHAT DID HAPPEN<br />
S-"Looking at ya...not gonna feel your arm muscle."<br />
M-" YOU are a BUTTMunchNut!"<br />
S-"Nice,Mom!"<br />
I was thinking worse...but I did him the courtesy of not saying it! :)<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-180833160064548192012-02-04T17:13:00.000-08:002012-02-04T17:14:57.867-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Could you at least give me the common courtesy of looking at me when I am talking to you.April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-32112625039649905432012-01-31T17:59:00.000-08:002012-02-01T11:58:15.068-08:00Spawn can't jump-my fault..probablySo..Friday at lunch I overheard a table of women talking about their uber-gifted athletic kids. I found it more interesting than gossip talk. Not scandalous.....more FASCINATING! I work..I go home..I cook, clean ,do laundry, bully and cajole my child to finish homework, to pick up stinky socks, to shut up, to go to bed..it seems endless to me. These women have children that require...based on what I heard an additional...40 hours a week to get them practices, games, fundraisers,off school season travelling teams....etc! WOW! These moms are BUSY!<br />
I walked out of that restaurant with my head head held high and thanked all the powers of the universe for giving me a non-athletic child! If you don't think I don't appreciate after I have worked all day, done my mommy duty at home-that I get to read a book or play gin on the computer and listen to Spawn from the playroom playing MW3 saying things like "Right kid right kid..you are a moron!" or "Yeah -your Momma!" you would be wrong! I got a bright, witty,funny and very smart child!<br />
It does not bother me one phucking bit that I do not have to sit in some stadium/arena/field watching my child play a sport! Spawn tried every sport before he got to middle school...excelled at none and liked none. Baseball..too fascinated by the bugs in the lights in the very, very far backfield position they put him in. Done! Basketball...too short..too skinny..heart not in it..done. Little league football-put on the equipment..fell over backwards..one season..done. Soccer..oh my god..done. But he tried everything and I am proud of him for that. AND if he had found a sport that he loved, I would have done whatever I needed to to support that and I would also have been proud of him.<br />
I kind of think Spawn was doomed sportswise because of me....may I say..the Lovin's are known for many things...none are athletic! :)<br />
I was and am a tall,skinny, totally and completely SPASTIC, uncoordinated, and graceless child,teen and adult! I was always last picked in every PE class because I SUCKED. And I can see clearly now that I have always had a fear of BALLS! ( not yours,gentlemen,they scare me not!) I mean real balls (lol) the kind that are thrown,kicked, hit, hurled...the kind that can hit you in the arm,head,stomach or back! I spent so much time cringing from possible ball impact...I never really learned to play a single sport. I played every sport like it was "hot potato" until they no longer made me play. I thought maybe I could support sports by being a cheerleader for about half a minute. I had a neighbor who tried for two days to teach me cheer lead and finally just said "Wow, I just don't think this is the right thing for you...maybe band! But not as a flag girl..no ..not with anything long and that you may have to control."<br />
Spawn's father on the other hand is and always has been athletic. Excelled at all sports in school..has coached all his teaching career and there are so many children that are the excellent athletes they are today because of his expertise and coaching.<br />
Sorry about that, Spawn's dad...he Lovin "we can't play and we can't dance(although we think we can)" gene won out!<br />
Mothers of all those talented athletes-I salute you! I share in your enthusiasm and your pride from the couch. I remain thankful that my little white boy can't jump but has a mind and a mouth that keeps me engaged! Go TEAM!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-33363115124395036672012-01-20T17:50:00.000-08:002012-01-20T17:50:43.632-08:00Sushi RulesSo I experienced the most insane cluster-phuck to pick Spawn up after his exam at 12 yesterday. And those of you who really know me KNOW...I have issues with driving..traffic..difficult traffic..off -ramps..traffic..merging...and stupid people! Sorry-I got off track there. Sigh...<br />
Anyway we when actually escaped, I suggested we go get sushi and the Spawnster is always up for that!<br />
I like consistency...just crazy that way! So we always order 24 pieces. We order 2 that are our favorites and two new tries.<br />
I expect fairness..just my nature. When it becomes clear that the two new tries are ...huh..not that great..I get a text. I fumble in my purse for my phone and it is a text from Spawn that reads "Hello"<br />
I look up, he is smiling and 4 of the 6 favorites are gone.<br />
M"HEY-simple math-6 pieces-I get 3."<br />
S-"Sorry, Mom but simple homespun logic, 'you move you lose'"<br />
M-"Seriously!"<br />
S"OMG-there is your friend Julie! Hi Julie!"<br />
Yes I did, yes I did..I turned around and when I turned back from NOT seeing my friend Julie, all the favorite pieces were gone. Ding Dang it!<br />
M-"WE are going to have to have sushi rules from here on out!"<br />
S-"OMG you have rules for EVERYTHING...we have to have sushi rules!!!!!"<br />
M-"YES because I am paying for it with MY money!"<br />
S-" Ahhh the flaw in your thinking ,Mom."<br />
M-"Huh!"<br />
S-" Think about it? Why do you work? You work to take care of me. Roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly. Without me, you might just be laid up on a couch in some trailer eating <br />Oreos you bought with food stamps. SOOOOO really it's my money! " :)<br />
M-"WOW-that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! Want to go ice cream!"<br />
S-"Perfect!"<br />
I have has the best week with Spawn this week! He has told me he loves me everyday and I have not felt like killing him ONCE. Nice!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-57414059789920751852012-01-18T15:10:00.000-08:002012-01-28T06:04:21.798-08:00Karma, Exams and Spider Monkeys!Spawn and I have been locked in an EPIC battle over studying for his first high school exams for a solid week now and it is evidently wearing on me!<br />
Last Wednesday:<br />
M-"Do you have homework?"<br />
S-"No, MOM-it's review for exams all week!<br />
M-"So why don't you use the free time to ....UH.. study for exams. " :)<br />
S-"Are you INSANE!"<br />
M-"Just an idea....."<br />
<br />
Last Friday:<br />
M-"Please use some time at your dad's this weekend to study for Tuesday's exam. Then you can use time on MLK day to study for Wednesday's exam. That way you are a day ahead and not stress studying the night before."<br />
S-"Huh...that makes no sense Mom...none at all. How do you keep your JOB! Seriously.....study a day ahead...that is just ridiculous...have you ever heard of keeping it fresh...hahahahaha...ridiculous..obviously it has been a while since you were in school...wow mom...<br />
M-"Stop talking..just stop-DO IT!"<br />
<br />
Monday:<br />
M-"Did you study over the weekend?"<br />
S-"Uh-no."<br />
M-" Start now!"<br />
S-"I am going to need some relax time before I start."<br />
M-"YOU HAD ALL WEEKEND RELAXING!"<br />
S-"Wow, take a chill pill...did you you take your hormone today mom...seriously!"<br />
M-"Study NOW and NO TV!"<br />
S-"I study better with the TV on...sorry it's true...and I study better if I study the night before the test because the pressure helps me!!!!"<br />
At this moment I am transported back in time and I have Farrah hair, bell bottoms and a purple fuzzy sweater and oddly, the very same words are coming out of my mouth as I look up at my dad and he is looking as pissed as I feel.<br />
M-"TV OFF!!!!!"<br />
S-"HORMONE PLEASE!"<br />
<br />
Today:<br />
M-"It's study time."<br />
S-"Mom-I am fairly confident I can make at least a decent B on this one without studying so I am thinking I will pass on the studying and just go with what I have actually absorbed and learned during class time and watch That 70's show instead."<br />
M-"ARE YOU SERIOUS! SERIOUSLY!"<br />
S-"WHAT IS UP with you and this studying. YOU have become a study NAZI!!!"<br />
He is standing in front of me -HA-looking UP into my eyes and I am looking down into his and I am so pissed that in the moment...all I could think of to say was ....<br />
M-"DON"T MAKE ME GO SPIDER MONKEY ON YOUR ASS!"<br />
yup-that is just what popped out and we stared each other for about half a second before we both starting laughing so hard we cried..we did the whole..calm down..breathe//look at each other and start laughing again. Oh, Karma really is a bitch...sorry Daddy....I really am!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-65856107963368501522012-01-11T17:13:00.000-08:002012-01-11T17:13:31.951-08:00silver bridge and Cameron :(So Spawn overhears me talking with someone on the phone about life insurance. When I get off the phone he side hugs and says..<br />
S-"I love you, Mommy! I am so glad you are going to provide for me should you ..uh..die! AND I really appreciate that you want to be cremated...cause that is cheap!:<br />
M-" No problem, son, and remember..if you can choose an alternative container..aka..cardboard casket..choose that!"<br />
S-" Excellent..do you want an urn? sprinkled? What do you think about that?"<br />
M-"you can sprinkle me off the silver bridge on River Road into the Tuckaseegee."<br />
S-"Are you sure you don't want me to keep you with me-cause if you get life insurance I can spring for the urn?"<br />
M-" yea pretty sure!"<br />
S-" I also want to be cremated and sprinkled on the floor of Cameron Indoor."<br />
M-"Huh?"<br />
S-"YES-i want my ashes sprinkled there!"<br />
M-"To be swept up and put in a trash can,,"<br />
S-" In Cameron!"<br />
M-"til they empty the trash...then on to a Durham landfill..."<br />
S-"Ok, I did not think it through...could you break into Coach K's house and sprinkle tiny bits of me..so he doesn't notice in his shoes and suit pockets?"<br />
M-Huh.....no!"<br />
S-"Ok ,I will come up with a new plan..are you good with yours?"<br />
M-"My plan would be that we don't have to deal with this for quite sometime and that I have some fun until then"<br />
S-"MOM!"<br />
M-"Cardboard casket, son."<br />
S-" Whatever!"<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-23807143617965868702012-01-09T18:30:00.000-08:002012-01-09T18:30:24.793-08:00eat this!So my dad gave me a weed eater for Christmas. Evidently, obsessively mixing weed killer and spray stalking weeds on every border-weekly-is not good for the ground water. Sorry!<br />
I overheard dad and Spawn at Thanksgiving..dad asked what he wanted for Christmas and Spawn said "money".<br />
D-" Your mother always asks for money and then uses it to pay a bill. So we no longer give her money."<br />
S-" I will SO NOT pay any bill if if you give me money! I will buy something I want!"<br />
Spawn got money and I got a big ass, pretty fierce looking weed eater AND some really cute little gray plastic cans of oil. Now, I recently bought an electric trimmer which I am so beast with! I SOOOOO neatened all my trees and bushes with that! IT made me so happy, I considered asking my neighbor if I could trim his bushes too. But I kind of think he may be a serial killer, who like goes out of town and kills people. So I thought...nah.<br />
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I also bought an electric blower that on any given day owns me or I own it. It's a learning process! But this weed eater...I read the manual twice..and decided...to clean the garage! :)<br />
I may never learn to use the weed eater but it phucking looks boss in my clean garage!<br />
Thanks dad!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-88422632507679310022012-01-07T13:15:00.001-08:002012-01-07T13:15:20.128-08:00Happy New Year from me and Spawn!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-85419506973729512722012-01-07T07:53:00.000-08:002012-01-07T07:55:57.657-08:0030 thingsWith the new year started... I realized I could already predict at least 30 things that would happen in my life this year! Gotta love the known!<br />
1. I will eat more Swedish Fish than any one person should.<br />
2. I will yell and cuss in front of my washing machine while trying to unravel a bra strap from another article of clothing that it wrapped around 40 million times.<br />
3. I will have totally unsatisfying sex at least once...never twice. ;)<br />
4. I will look at Spawn and realize that if I do nothing else in my life...I have done one really good thing!<br />
5. I will look at Spawn and wonder what the phuck I was thinking when I decided to have a child.<br />
6. I will dread grocery shopping EVERY time I have to go.<br />
7. I will daydream about Cam Newton...in a non-sexual way cause he so young and all.<br />
8. I will secretly wish my boss would get another job AWAY from me.<br />
9. I will spend hours marveling at how phucking stupid some people are.<br />
10. I will envy someone else's perfect hair color.<br />
11. I will be thankful for friends!<br />
12. I will think about what a wonderful family I have.<br />
13. I will wonder if I was switched at birth!<br />
14. I will plot to destroy someone...and then never carry out my devious plans.<br />
15. I will start exercising again...I hope...<br />
16. I will dance alone in a room and shake my ass to totally age inappropriate rap music<br />
17. I will not feel the urge to get another tattoo...i hope...but i will buy another belly chain!<br />
18. I will wonder AGAIN how the girl at the tanning bed place is always in such a phucking perky mood and always remembers everyone's name.....does she have a system....do they have to take a class in that....<br />
19. I will have satisfying sex ...I better!<br />
20. I will start recruiting minions and wonder if frienminions is really a better made up word than frienemies<br />
21. I will experience road rage but I won't shoot anyone cause I don't have a gun :)<br />
22. I will wish I could win the lottery<br />
23. I will read good books that are really BOOKS and I can hold them in my hand and turn the pages<br />
24. I will piss someone off and probably mean to<br />
25. I will hurt someone's feelings and probably not mean to<br />
26. I will make someone laugh<br />
27. I will make snarky comments in my head about people's stick figure families on the back of their cars<br />
28. I will do something at least once everyday that makes Spawn mad and he will do the same to me and often we will catch each other mumbling choice cuss words about each other under our breath<br />
29. I will look in the mirror and think..DAMMNNNN, I look good!<br />
30. I will try every day to be a little bit better person than I was the day before!<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-41097168187136002202011-12-13T17:02:00.000-08:002011-12-13T17:02:12.542-08:00twinkle yourself!Spawn/Mommy conversation....<br />
M-Let's put up the icicle lights along the front of the house..as I recall from last year-it was pretty easy and didn't take alot of time!"<br />
S"-"Yesssss..the reason, MOTHER, that you think it did not take alot of time last year is because we did not put them up last year!"<br />
M-"Yes we did! We got the ladder out and put them up -i remember talking about it--several times!"<br />
S-"Yessssss, MOTHER, we talked about it but then we figured out that the ladder wasn't high enough and that the lights had to be put up from the roof AND had we have done that..Mom, the lights would still be up from last year. Just saying."<br />
M-"oh"<br />
So I got off early today and I brought the ladder around and attempted to string the lights until I figured out again the the ladder was not high enough. Not to be deterred-i went out on the roof-after breaking out a screen-i sort of had a frustrated "what the phuck would i do if there was a fire" moment and the screen lost but i was free ...to slowly scuttle like a crab- a long legged sexy ass crab ( lol cause no one was looking) to the edge of the roof-hello gutters!<br />
So as I looked down on the ant size people below-just kidding there were no people but i kept having to pull the lights up from the ground and they kept falling down-scary. I thought-shit-I AM AN ACCIDENT waiting to happen. After a long,kind of controlled panicky, scoot down the roof-I GOT IT DONE!<br />
I was so excited! And Spawn is right-those bitches are not coming down! Icicle lights say, " HAPPY NEW YEAR" "i love you" on Valentine's Day, "Happy Easter!" and well, they are just festive any time of of the year!<br />
Happy Christmas..let your light shine!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-34885824042576912972011-12-10T13:45:00.001-08:002011-12-10T15:39:51.338-08:00roll one/smoke one and golf!So late last week an e-mail went out to supervisors asking if someone could go on Saturday and pick the proceeds from a golf tournament for one of our funds that help children and families during the holidays. Since I live close to that golf course, I e-mailed that I would do it. As soon as an e-mail goes out to the other supervisors that I will do it and thanks, my office phone rings. It is my best friend at work and she says,<br />
"Hey, nutball!!!! Have you ever been on a golf course???"<br />
<br />
I say, "Hey squirrel girl, I will have you know I grew up on a golf course when I was a teenager and I happen to know that "greens" are excellent places to have hot.fumbley teenage sex! Plus my dad plays golf alot!"<br />
<br />
"Well, then you are an excellent person to represent the agency at this event!"<br />
<br />
"YES, I thought the same thing!"<br />
<br />
"Has it occurred to you that this might cut into your Saturday beer-thirty?"<br />
<br />
"Surely not! I just have to hop over there, accept the donation, smile and leave...easy breezy!"<br />
<br />
"Whatcha gonna wear??"<br />
<br />
"Clothes!"<br />
<br />
So I call the golf pro as instructed early this afternoon and he says, it would be really great if I could come to the clubhouse as soon as the first teams finish and sort of hang out with the group until all the scores are calculated and winners announced. Huh? ok........SHIT what am I going to wear!!! So I call my friend and ask what people wear to a golf course-she said GOLF CLOTHES. I have to call the person the who sent out the e-mail and see if it is ok if I wear jeans and a sweater. She said it was so I was good to go on that part.<br />
So I get there and GIRLS-it's kind of like a slightly twisted girl candyland! I am the only woman in the room and not the only one wearing pink!!!!! I am surrounded by men who oddly seem to be significantly younger than me or significantly older than than me and they are ALL a little loose!<br />
A great group of men who came out on a Saturday afternoon to play golf for a good cause! Yay guys!<br />
I sort understand golf..i appreciate the simple logic of the game but until today I didn't really understand it is the only sport I know of that is a BEER drinking sport while playing !!! How phucking excellent is that! AND I just want to say, this clubhouse has Nattie Light in a can! I didn't have one of course but spin me around and call me happy! After a couple hours I have been hit on HARD by all the old men there and learned that old men are into some damn pot smoking! What?????<br />
OH YES, got several offers to go roll one and smoke one in their fancy ass cars. I only gave my number to one 85 year old because he was so charming and I figure he will lose it before he gets home (cause he smokes alot of pot-according to him). :)<br />
<br />
I don't smoke pot or play golf but I respect and now celebrate others right to so! I might take lessons..really! Cause... don't I get to stand, legs apart, bend over and wiggle my ass before I hit something! PERFECT! Go golf!<br />
<br />April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-59010796878182359132011-12-07T17:16:00.000-08:002011-12-07T17:16:53.370-08:00BYOAm-" I need to let you know that the plans for this weekend ARE: <br />
* find every dead flashlight in this house and replace the batteries<br />
* replace the batteries in all the smoke detectors<br />
* drain the water off the pool cover<br />
* clean the shark tank<br />
* bathe the dogs<br />
* decorate the tree-I have given it 3 days to decorate itself and it's a stubborn and lazy tart and is evidently having none of that<br />
* and you will need to clean your, you know, bathroom!"<br />
s-"seriously!"<br />
m-"seriously...i will make hot chocolate and sing carols or small pieces of carols..you know what i can remember..like a medley..of sorts"<br />
s-"WHERE is the fun in this????"<br />
m-"IT will be a BYOF weekend!" :)<br />
s-"huh!"<br />
m-" Bring your own FUN!"<br />
s-"How about BYOA."<br />
m-"huh"<br />
s-"bring your own ATTITUDE!"<br />
m-"Perfect! cause I plan on bringing mine too!!!! It's isn't like they don't don't each other! Yay for the four of us!"<br />
Happy Weekend!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-67245718560860020912011-12-02T18:22:00.000-08:002011-12-02T18:22:42.176-08:00permission to be a lesbian and/or a reindeer- sighok we all know Spawn's mantra-"You are too old to date!" <br />
OUR ON-GOING SPAWN/MOM conversations<br />
#1<br />
M-"But your dad is older than me, it it ok for him to date?"<br />
S-"Yes, he's my dad!"<br />
M-" Huh??? Then why isn't it ok for me to date?"<br />
S-"Because you are my MOTHER-it will never be ok for you to date!"<br />
#2<br />
S-" I don't why you would even want a boyfriend. You are too old and he can't come over here because I am here so it is an exercise in futility to even try and have one!"<br />
M-"Huh??? So what you are saying is my life is over and I will be lonely forever-correct?"<br />
S-"Correct."<br />
M-"just checking. note to self...." lol<br />
#3<br />
S-" Mom, you are too old for: (not in any particular order)<br />
a boyfriend<br />
tattoos<br />
hooker shoes<br />
your clothes<br />
dating<br />
tanning<br />
sex<br />
an the list goes on"<br />
blah blah blah..I have stopped listening. These conversations have become a buzzing,white noise. I am present for conversations about home work and grades and daily teenage angst. But the "too old for" conversations I have been tuning out for a while. BECAUSE he is a 14 year old boy who has absolutely no control over those parts of my life. I love him and all but the day I let a 14 year old child run my life is the day somebody needs to kick my ass! I let him pick out cereal at the grocery store! :)<br />
SO-I am playing hearts on the computer and enjoying the HELL out of it and he slinks in and starts talking...I am tuning out because he is starting with the whole mom you know you can't have a real boyfriend thing..tuning out...blah blah blah<br />
S-"........but I don't really want you to be lonely the rest of your life, so I have decided if you want to have a girlfriend that would be ok with me."<br />
WHAT-I AM NOW TUNED IN.<br />
S-" I am ok with you having a girlfriend and it would be ok for her to come over when I am here and spend the night. she could be here on the days I am here and I am fine with that."<br />
I am looking at my child like he is 5 headed snake and I seriously think my mouth fell open!<br />
S-" But mom this is a very conservative county, so the girlfriend has to totally be on the down-low-better for you and me. She is your .huh...best friend. So what do you think? It works for both of us, right?"<br />
I AM SPEECHLESS..for once.<br />
M-"IF I understand you correctly, you are giving permission to be a lesbian. IS that what you are saying?"<br />
S-"Yes!"<br />
I have to say that I took a couple really deep breathes at this point and said...<br />
M-"SON-that is like saying, I can be a reindeer. Which I can't and you know that. And I want you to think about for one minute-for ONE minute to think about how it would feel for someone to ask you to keep your love for them on the DOWN-LOW! How bad would that feel?"<br />
S-"Horrible, I know. I'm sorry Mom..I just want something that works for me. And two moms is better than someone who replaces dad. I know you can't be a reindeer."<br />
M-"Listen to me, you don't need to worry about me being lonely in my old age-(lol) and you don't need to worry about who I see or don't see when you aren't here. You need to worry about grades and impending puberty and you seriously need to check yourself because you know intolerance in this family is unacceptable."<br />
S-"Sorry, Mom. Do you think a lesbian orgy would be loud?"<br />
M-"I am assuming as loud as any other orgy. I would not have a clue how loud any orgy is."<br />
S-"That's what I thought too."<br />
YAY-EQUALITY for reindeerApril Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-6524857064366609812011-11-17T18:12:00.000-08:002011-11-17T18:12:45.246-08:00Boots and BoysSpawn-taneous and Mommy chat<br />
S"You realize I am PATHETIC!"<br />
M"huh?"<br />
S-"My whole social life is on-line playing black-ops with kids from Nebraska. I actually consider these kids to be my FRIENDS! DO you get how pathetic that is???!!!"<br />
M"Would you like to see a therapist?"<br />
S-"NO!"<br />
M-"Are you a danger to yourself or others?"<br />
S-"NO! god,MOM"<br />
M-"Are you doing drugs, drinking, sexting, looking at porno on the computer, skipping school, bullying anyone?"<br />
S-" NO!!!!"<br />
M-" ok, then let me tell you this. You are not pathetic! You are temporarily in "the desert". You are a freshman boy. No one has time for your kind. You are wandering alone...with your kind all about you but not close because not even freshman boys want to hang with other freshman boys..except for the nerds -just because they are more evolved. They are hanging out together and enjoying as best they can the desert that is this year. Plus you are a freshman boy who has not yet reached puberty ( you can thank me and my family of late-bloomers later) so you are are double screwed. SO my point being-considering on-line friends your real friends is not pathetic-it's your reality just for right now and it isn't bad. And I promise things will get different and more exciting and we can all hope, better."<br />
S-" So what you are saying i just have to endure this?"<br />
M-" This and many more desert times in your life. And while we are talking-Flushing the toilet does NOT cause brain damage! Candy wrappers left on the floor (phuck you Halloween and your endless supply ) DO NOT reproduce candy! Pockets are meant to be TEMPORARY holders of things..gum,your braces' rubber bands and notes really DON't like being washed! Towels really don't dry on the FLOOR! AND NO-we really don't need to keep the heat at 80 degrees so you can be comfortable in SHORTS!"<br />
S-"OMG-I will get to move out someday-right!!!!!!"<br />
M-"We can only hope!"<br />
S-"I love you, Mom."<br />
M-"I love you too, ALOT and I will always try to be an oasis in your desert times but that isn't a guarantee. If you back the truck up to a green lawn and dump the sand yourself- I may send you a postcard and hope you figure it out for yourself." :)<br />
S-" I hate that you think and act younger than you are!"<br />
M"OK!"<br />
S"You should not wear boots and tights!"<br />
M-"OK!"<br />
S-" You should not be dating!"<br />
M-"understand your point of view!"<br />
S-"why aren't you arguing with me?"<br />
M-"Cause you are freshman boy....everyone knows freshman boys are just lame!" :)<br />
S-"Thanks, Mom!"<br />
any time....;)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-87444232687988477922011-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:002011-11-15T17:57:51.095-08:00trying to be nice and cuppingI am a person who honestly tries to be nice. It's my nature AND you can push me once or twice and I am still smiling..nice-ing it. But there is point when I go-oh hell no. I took my car in to have the tires rotated and balanced and sat..and sat-it was 7:15 IN THE MORNING-i was the only person there. 7:45-the dude rolls a tire out-do i really know this is MY tire -NO-cause I forgot to mark it with pink finger nail polish-ding dang it! He goes down on one knee in front of me and starts talking. There is CUPPING-bad things could happen.You need 4 new tires! Your brakes are THIS close to being metal to metal-i am nodding-thinking -wtf is cupping. It doesn't sound good on any level. I like it if you can make a problem sound remotely sexual..that's just me. But cupping and metal to metal are just..boring. But then he mentions the water pump which may be leaking JUST a little AND makes me go look at it....that was my push! OH hell no AND i have to leave in an hour so if you can't do the new tires and the brakes in an hour-i will just take the brakes. OH then all of a sudden they could get it done.<br />
I was so pissed-so pissed- at me not being able to deal with that situation knowledgeably!<br />
I will own the cupping because I am like a curb-riding over fool. if there is a curb-my ass is driving over it-accidently! :) And the car is 4 years old-it probably needs brakes. But don't try to sell me a water pump-it's too much.<br />
Plus the waiting room was cold! I wish..I knew more about all kinds of things..but I don't yet so I will continue to try to be nice..until pushed too far. ;)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-2785807014814498232011-11-09T17:47:00.000-08:002011-11-10T03:10:47.244-08:00WHEE as in Cullowhee :)I am packing for my first ever vacation alone. I am going home for the first time in 10 years. That amazes me but 10 years ago my dad told me and my siblings that he was selling the farm in Cullowhee and buying a condo in Swannanoa.( ha- Swannanoa comes up as a misspelled word but the only suggestion is swanning. I seriously don't want to know what that is.) WHAT.. what? We were shell-shocked. We thought we would always have a place to come back to in Cullowhee, a place to bring our kids, so they would know Cullowhee too.( the misspelled suggestion for Cullowhee is callowness..huh)<br />
Dad moved and I have not been back but I am so excited to be going home on my first EVER vacation alone! I am going home for the class of 1979's 50th Birthday Party! Our class is so awesome we are getting together for our collective 50th b-day!<br />
Just so you know-I have never been to a class reunion and they have had them. Many since 1979 ..I never went..I was busy, I was broke, I was afraid. I didn't go.<br />
But I am going to this because for the first time since I was 18, I realize these are people who mean alot to me. These are people who have known me since i was 5 (we had kindergarten through 12th grade in one building).<br />
These are people I genuinely like!<br />
S-"Are you taking someone to this class thing..you are, don't lie!"<br />
M-" No I am not!"<br />
S-"SERIOUSLY!"<br />
M_"Seriously. <br />
M-"I totally intend to share really good times with my friends and just hook up there. The high school guys will be lookin fine!"<br />
S-"MOM! You are WAY too old for them!!! I think I am going to be sick"<br />
M-"WHAT! They are my age..how could I be too old?"<br />
S-" Oh phuck, I thought you were talking about real high school guys!"<br />
M-.....sigh..<br />
I have to stop saying things just to get under Spawn's skin. It's so easy, it just seems unfair. :)<br />
Coming home!!!!! WHEE!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-19115047198922463332011-11-07T18:06:00.000-08:002011-11-07T18:06:02.403-08:00winter and mathThe first dark evenings of daylight saving time just depress me. It is winter's line in the sand and I despise winter like it is a racist/sexist/pajama in public wearing/ tea party zombie. I could go on but that's all the hating i got right now. I do not like the cold mornings! I do not like the cold nights! I do not like the cold days! I do not like snow or frost or slightly frosty. I do not like seeing my breath in the air. I do not like coats -although, yes i sort of do when it's COLD! I give coats a pass-just semi-hate them, like grocery shopping! :)<br />
I am trying to stay up til 9 cause that is really 10. I went to bed at 8:30 last night cause it was really 9:30 and woke up at 4:30 which was really 5:30 and this is MATH..phucking MATH..yet another reason I hate winter. SERIOUSLY!<br />
And this morning, as I rounded the "Lovin It" drive through..I thought..one morning, I am going to drive up and the pork and gravy biscuit will be gone! It will just happen without warning and I will be more depressed. Damn it!<br />
On the upside-since my hormones ran out I am having quite tropical events while I try to sleep and quite frankly I love them! Although, I am finding Spawn slightly more annoying than usual and I am pretty sure I will be eating his Oreos if we get snowed in without power and he will have to open cans of cold peas..that i am not really sure why we have.<br />
M-" I am going to have to go bed."<br />
S-"Mom, it's 8:30!"<br />
M-"It's really 9:30"<br />
S-"no Mom-it's not-it's really 8:30. I am going to bed at 10-which is my bedtime.<br />
M-"Which is really 11."<br />
S-" MOTHER, no it's not but if you want to go to bed at 8:30, I am down with that-way more unsupervised time than I usually get!"<br />
M-"I have things to do..staying up!" :)<br />
phuck winter and your baby brother, fall. poohie! hate winter!April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-3320741795623872962011-10-31T16:21:00.000-07:002011-10-31T17:24:51.773-07:00Wet Dogs and Nipples-(Actually it was just one nipple)Yesterday I was thinking how hard it is to work full-time and parent and keep your house clean and also take care of all the house/yard maintenance things( the stupid formerly known as MAN jobs). The lawn mower would't work for the last the last mow of the year- my first impulse was just to throw it away-phuck it!It had just become a burnt out light bulb to me-it doesn't work anymore-i can't fix it-trash it! Luckily it was just out of gas...a reprieve for the lawn mower! So my day was shaping up to be an "I might be overwhelmed" day, lawn mowing, mounds of laundry, the occasional dog pee clean up, aquarium cleaning (just nasty) AND at Spawn's insistence bathing the dogs. <br />
Lily the massive puppy hasn't never been bathed and Jessel(outside dog) who is 13 has never been bathed. I looked at Spawn, who, for some reason was inexplicably EXCITED about the dog bathing.<br />
M-" This is going to be disaster, you realize that..right?"<br />
S-"It will be fine-we just need some good pre-bath planning!!!!"<br />
I looked at him and he looked back at me and I looked at him.<br />
S-"SO, what's the plan, Mom?" <br />
I looked at my child and my mind was just boiling with, well..pissy thoughts. I should be loving and nurturing right now-use this as a teaching moment. In my mind I can see it..the two of us of working through this chore together..laughing..basking in the glow of a job well done. I see that in the background of my mind. In the foreground of my mind I see me grabbing his ear and pinching it VERY hard and him screaming like a girl! And I am calmly whispering in his ear, " PLAN THIS, helpless boy!"<br />
I am immediately ALARMED..yes I am! And I realize that I am either really tired and overwhelmed or the fact that my HORMONE prescription ran out weeks ago may be jeopardizing my child's safety!!!!!<br />
I breathe and sort of sidle over to the counter to my beer and sip and breathe and sip. <br />
M-"I will go get 5 towels. You get a plastic cup, the dog shampoo and the dog and meet me in the bathroom. You hold and I will bathe and rinse."<br />
So this is where it all actually goes downhill-lol.<br />
We get the massive puppy in the bathtub and Spawn is struggling to keep Lily in the tub-we are all getting soaked-I call time out so I can pull off my sweatshirt-I HAVE A T-SHIRT ON UNDER IT- and I have a brief wardrobe malfunction-2 seconds tops-or well-lack of tops. The T-shirt comes up with the sweatshirt for a couple seconds. I pull it right back down. By that time I am alone in the bathroom with the massive puppy who has jumped out of the tub and is now shaking water all over me, the bathroom and then on to the kitchen and living room and Spawn has fled to the other room screaming " MY eyes, my eyes!"<br />
I grab the puppy put her out the back and go to confront my dog bathing PARTNER! He appears to be curled in a ball on the futon in the playroom.<br />
M-"What the hell was that? You just took off and left me in there with Lily, the dog sprinkler!"<br />
S-"I need THERAPY and I need it right now! I may need an emergency hospitalization. I don't feel like living anymore since I have seen your NIPPLE! I may harm myself or others. I will never be the same!"<br />
M-"ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! It was a second for god's sake."<br />
S-" It was your nipple..i feel sick..Arghhhhh"<br />
M-" HEY, you need to calm your ass down-there was time that nipple was your friend ,buddy. Now stop wailing! I mean it!! Pull yourself together and let's finish the dog bathing!"<br />
S-"OMG-how could you say that! I can't -my stomach is upset...arghhhh..."<br />
M"IF you do not shut up right now and come back in here and help me bathe this dog........ I am going to grab your ear and pinch it SO hard that you scream like a girl and I mean it!"<br />
Spawn sits and looks at me and I look back!<br />
S-" Seriously! Seriously! Your solution to this traumatic experience I have suffered is to pinch my ear so hard I scream?"<br />
M-"Like a girl!"<br />
S-" That is Ridiculous, Mom, RIDICULOUS!"<br />
M-" Well, so is acting like seeing my nipple for 2 seconds has scarred you for life."<br />
S-" Bathing the dogs is going to be a bigger job than I thought and I am not sure we can do it."<br />
M-"Well, we have started it and we need to finish it-end of story. so let's go. We'll live through it and know how to do it better next time."<br />
S-"Would you really have grabbed my ear and pinched it-that is a little extreme, Mom."<br />
M-" I would have and I would have loved every minute of it."<br />
and I would have! ;)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-61302120202034294192011-10-26T18:48:00.000-07:002011-10-26T18:48:46.566-07:00panties and powerSo I have a beautiful and unbelievably smart friend that i am trying to help through a hard time. I am trying to help her get back her POWER..to be a "I am a princess and so shall I be treated!!" powerful person. I was coaching leaps and bounds...she needed to take baby steps. I dialed it back and looked at her forlorn face and said, "We need to come up with a really shitty cuss cuss cuss name for your heartbreak man and how is your pantie drawer?"<br />
H-"How is my pantie drawer?"<br />
M-"yes, what does your pantie drawer look like?"<br />
H-"APRIL! I work, I am now a single parent-i have worries about finances and I am in a state of painful confusion and you want to know about my pantie drawer?"<br />
M-"The heartbreak man's really shitty cuss name is "phucking, phuckhead, mother-phucking stupid dickhead. Or FFMSD for short. And yes, we need to talk about your pantie drawer!"<br />
H-"WOW that is very accurate but too complicated-could we just have his nickname be "DICK" and "DICK" for short."<br />
M-"Absolutely! How is your pantie drawer? Is it full of old panties, granny panties, panties you don't give a shit about?"<br />
H-" I guess."<br />
M-" Here's the thing-when we are teenage girls we love our panties! And they have to be nice-stylish. When we are in college and dating..they have to be nice (we keep our fall back comfy panties) but we have some sexy panties. The point being panties are important and if they are nice-they make us feel good just knowing we have them on. Then we get married and have children and EVERYTHING gets attention but our panties. We wear whatever we have-no money goes to the panties until they get threadbare-then we pick up a 3 pack of Lady Hanes at Target. We have no love for those panties-they are NECESSARY panties.<br />
H-"OMG you are so....never mind. Continue..."<br />
M" Stupid- I know, but I am all you got right now-The lesson for this week in taking your power back is to go buy all new panties. I had some bigger things in mind like talking to a LAWYER but I think this works."<br />
H-" I don't have to go to Victoria's Secret, do I?"<br />
M-" Oh hell no-go in the back side of JC Penney at the mall."<br />
H-" I know that entrance! "<br />
M-"Pantie heaven- 6 for $12-just pretty panties. Buy enough to throw away all your old panties.<br />
I got a pair of hello kitty boy shorts-pink-makes me happy! And that is the point-new nice panties-your pantie drawer looking so different when you open it everyday will make you smile-and that, my friend is the first step to taking your power back."<br />
I talked to her this week and those panties have empowered her and made her feel better. Ladies, your pantie drawer wants to be all that! ;)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-77467372762391928752011-10-12T18:57:00.000-07:002011-10-12T18:57:30.340-07:00Spawn and Lily poopM-"Wow, something really stinks in the kitchen! Can you smell that?"<br />
S--"Yeah, Lily pooped in the house and I didn't want to tell you, so I picked it up with paper towels and threw it in the kitchen trash can." Spawn looking at me like a bashful puppy -wanting approval. lol<br />
M-"Spawn, if Lily poops in the house-pick it up and flush it."<br />
S-"K"<br />
Two days later...<br />
S-"Hey Mommy(always a bad sign) I think the downstairs toilet is uh clogged up."<br />
M-"Why? OMG there is like a roll of paper towels in there !!!! What happened!!!"<br />
S-" Well, Mommy, Lily pooped in the house and I did what you said. I picked it up and flushed it but it won't flush."<br />
M-"BECAUSE YOU and 47 paper towels picked up the poop.Please Spawn-pick up the poop with a Kleenex and throw it in the toilet."<br />
S-"I am not sure I can pick up the poop without the paper towel layers. I tried the Kleenex-i could feel the warm of the poop through it-aahhhhh"<br />
M-"Well-that my child is a great reason for condoms and you remember that-cause you know nothing about warm poop til you have a baby!"<br />
s-"MOM!"<br />
Today I pulled out of my driveway and noticed a huge wad of paper towels hanging from my dogwood tree. Stopped the car-went back in.<br />
m-"There are paper towels HANGING in the trees!<br />
S-" Yeah, Lily pooped in the night and i found a perfect solution."<br />
Since I don't like the poop heat -i will use the paper towels and throw it in woods outside!"<br />
M-"OK well no farm team is going to come look for you cause your big throw to the woods looks more like an early Halloween rolling in our own front yard."<br />
S-" Mommy, maybe you could clean up the poop, cause you know all the good methods and stuff"<br />
M-"Maybe not !" :)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3485769917202465690.post-85716302138976374212011-10-06T19:55:00.000-07:002011-10-07T05:22:12.427-07:00breathe fire or hop away!You know how you buy just one little thing, it speaks to you,makes you smile, fits in the palm of your hand,so you buy it. For you it is just a thing you saw and you liked. Then a friend or family sees it and say , "So do you like that?"<br />
You say, "yes, yes ,I do." This seems to be an innocent response..it is the knick knack KISS of DEATH response!<br />
For the next 30 years you will receive from every friend and family member some variation of this thing for every birthday and holiday!!!! You will become overrun with it and on some level begin to resent the very little thing you admired.<br />
For me it was frogs.....I have so many frogs in so many forms...i am ashamed. And I don't love them all-I hate 95% of them. I really liked the first frog I bought and so smiled and accepted the 50 million frogs and things-o-frog I got after that-that I didn't like. This is about other people. It is about "easy gift giving" and it has to stop! Please don't assume because a person has a frog they like that you are off the hook for 30 years with regard to creative gift-giving.<br />
This point was really driven home to me when I brought Becky's house to my home. At some point she bought a dragon and by 62 year she had dragons EVERYWHERE. I think I have probably 67 dragon or dragon representations in my home right now. I am having a garage sale on Saturday and I am selling every phucking frog and dragon in this house. Cause I don't want Spawn's partner years from now when he has to grinch my house to say, "What the Phuck was up with your Mom and frogs???"<br />
His response will probably be, "The frogs never bothered me, the fact that she refused to wear a bra after she got home from work traumatized me!"<br />
Whatever! :)April Lovinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15413685242947266094noreply@blogger.com2