Monday, October 31, 2011

Wet Dogs and Nipples-(Actually it was just one nipple)

Yesterday I was thinking how hard it is to work full-time and parent and keep your house clean and also take care of all the house/yard maintenance things( the stupid formerly known as MAN jobs). The lawn mower would't work for the last the last mow of the year- my first impulse was just to throw it away-phuck it!It had just become a burnt out light bulb to me-it doesn't work anymore-i can't fix it-trash it! Luckily it was just out of gas...a reprieve for the lawn mower! So my day was shaping up to be an "I might be overwhelmed" day, lawn mowing, mounds of laundry, the occasional dog pee clean up, aquarium cleaning (just nasty) AND at Spawn's insistence bathing the dogs.
Lily the massive puppy hasn't never been bathed and Jessel(outside dog) who is 13 has never been bathed. I looked at Spawn, who, for some reason was inexplicably EXCITED about the dog bathing.
M-" This is going to be disaster, you realize that..right?"
S-"It will be fine-we just need some good pre-bath planning!!!!"
I looked at him and he looked back at me and I looked at him.
S-"SO, what's the plan, Mom?"
I looked at my child and my mind was just boiling with, well..pissy thoughts. I should be loving and nurturing right now-use this as a teaching moment. In my mind I can see it..the two of us of working through this chore together..laughing..basking in the glow of a job well done. I see that in the background of my mind. In the foreground of my mind I see me grabbing his ear and pinching it VERY hard and him screaming like a girl! And I am calmly whispering in his ear, " PLAN THIS, helpless boy!"
I am immediately ALARMED..yes I am! And I realize that I am either really tired and overwhelmed or the fact that my HORMONE prescription ran out weeks ago may be jeopardizing my child's safety!!!!!
I breathe and sort of sidle over to the counter to my beer and sip and breathe and sip.
M-"I will go get 5 towels. You get a plastic cup, the dog shampoo and the dog and meet me in the bathroom. You hold and I will bathe and rinse."
So this is where it all actually goes downhill-lol.
We get the massive puppy in the bathtub and Spawn is struggling to keep Lily in the tub-we are all getting soaked-I call time out so I can pull off my sweatshirt-I HAVE A T-SHIRT ON UNDER IT- and I have a brief wardrobe malfunction-2 seconds tops-or well-lack of tops. The T-shirt comes up with the sweatshirt for a couple seconds. I pull it right back down. By that time I am alone in the bathroom with the massive puppy who has jumped out of the tub and is now shaking water all over me, the bathroom and then on to the kitchen and living room and Spawn has fled to the other room screaming " MY eyes, my eyes!"
I grab the puppy put her out the back and go to confront my dog bathing PARTNER! He appears to be curled in a ball on the futon in the playroom.
M-"What the hell was that? You just took off and left me in there with Lily, the dog sprinkler!"
S-"I need THERAPY and I need it right now! I may need an emergency hospitalization. I don't feel like living anymore since I have seen your NIPPLE! I may harm myself or others. I will never be the same!"
M-"ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! It was a second for god's sake."
S-" It was your nipple..i feel sick..Arghhhhh"
M-" HEY, you need to calm your ass down-there was time that nipple was your friend ,buddy. Now stop wailing! I mean it!! Pull yourself together and let's finish the dog bathing!"
S-"OMG-how could you say that! I can't -my stomach is upset...arghhhh..."
M"IF you do not shut up right now and come back in here and help me bathe this dog........ I am going to grab your ear and pinch it SO hard that you scream like a girl and I mean it!"
Spawn sits and looks at me and I look back!
S-" Seriously! Seriously! Your solution to this traumatic experience I have suffered is to pinch my ear so hard I scream?"
M-"Like a girl!"
S-" That is Ridiculous, Mom, RIDICULOUS!"
M-" Well, so is acting like seeing my nipple for 2 seconds has scarred you for life."
S-" Bathing the dogs is going to be a bigger job than I thought and I am not sure we can do it."
M-"Well, we have started it and we need to finish it-end of story. so let's go. We'll live through it and know how to do it better next time."
S-"Would you really have grabbed my ear and pinched it-that is a little extreme, Mom."
M-" I would have and I would have loved every minute of it."
and I would have! ;)


  1. OMG!! You two are cracking me up like nobody's business. But April, you must agree...seeing the mom nipple is a bit traumatic. It kinda goes to the top that when your 24 year old tries to kiss you on the cheek and for some strange reason it gets just a little too close to the mom lip...ugh!!!!! Weird. Just freakin' weird. Where do you go from that? I'm with Spawn...that may take some years of therapy to get over. When he was younger he had no idea it was the fountain to feed hunger...but's attached to a boobie!!!!!!! Yikes!

    Jackie B

  2. lol, Jackie! He does not need therapy! It was a small thing and I do mean small! I am sure he is over it today! :)

  3. Then, I need therapy! I'm traumtized...I don't know by what but if it's a chance to sit on or lay on someone's couch who's gonna listen to me bitch and moan for a while, then I'm traumatized. :0) He, however, may think twice before he asks to bathe the dogs again. And the nipple might have been worth it. :0)

    Jackie B

  4. "There was a time when this nipple was your friend" my favorite line! And the histrionics were ridiculous, but can you imagine being in an enclosed space and seeing spawn's WHANG? It probably has hair! AH! SHIT! Now I am traumatized! But let us also consider that he spends much of his time imagining a nipple...probably any female nipple save yours...and the glory of being able to touch said said nipple, and yes, put it in his mouth for other reasons. You know what? i have thoroughly grossed myself out. I am one sick bitch.

  5. no you are not! but i bet it doesn't-lol