Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sixteen Candles and Fanny Pack

Dear Spawn,
Happy SIXTEENTH Birthday!!!!!  First, let's acknowledge that I managed to keep you alive for 16 years.  There was some internal doubt about this when they handed me all 5 and a half pounds of you to me 16 years ago.  But here we are and you are alive..healthy..your small mental health issues appear to be age specific.  Despite the past couple difficult years, regarding our constant communication issues, it would seem at this time your " mother baggage" at this point is only enough to fill a fanny pack not suitcases. (future girlfriends can thank me later!)
 On this day of your birthday we seem to have two issues that are popping up fairly regularly and I would like to address them.  
I give you yesterday:
S:YOU are an irrational SUPER overprotective mom!!!!!! Everyone else says, "Parents, going out to hang, be back later." and EVERYONE else's parents say, "Ok, see you later." (can I just say at this point, teenagers are great at using manipulation..great at using it..they just aren't GOOD at it!  It's a skill, people!) 
Mom. I honestly believe that since you ran wild as a teenager you are overcompensating as a parent.  You were a cool teenager( hahaha...so was not) who has turned into a totally uncool mother.  Other parents trust their kids!  A ten-o-clock curfew on weekends..really mom!  I can't even go to parties like everyone else!"
M: You have never asked me for permission to go to a party!
S: Because you would want to know where it is!!!!  You would want to take me!   I am doomed!

Yes, son, you are doomed. Ok, this is where this whole argument falls apart.  I know EVERYONE else's parents doesn't just send their children out in the night and expect them to be back whenever and I know other parents set curfews and I could give a big rat's ass about being a cool parent.  I have never been cool in my life and I am too old to start now.  Maybe I did run wild as a teenager and maybe as a result I made alot of stupid decisions.  And maybe, Spawn, this is less about trusting you than it is about trusting the people you may run into.  So I am unapologetic about the SUPER overprotective stuff.  But I will consider that maybe ....maybe I need to let go a little and let you..have some room to grow.  SO curfew on weekends is 10:30-WOO HOO!

I feel like I need to mention the 4/20/13 boy posse backpack search incident.  Let me re-cap:
You were supposed to be at you Dad's for the weekend.  You show up in our backyard on Saturday saying your Dad dropped you off to "hang with unnamed posse boy"
You leave
I text and ask what the plan is
you text and say you are spending the night with another unnamed posse boy (classic mistake..just saying)
I text your Dad..he thinks you are spending the night with other boy
I text and ask to speak to parents
You text and say..."oh as it turns out they are out of town..we are coming to spend the night at our house"
you and the posse comes over and then find a reason ( x-box) to walk across the neighborhood at night and BRB
PLEASE-you guys have weed smokers written all over..I am sorry but you do
So I give you time to get to the posse boy's house and then drive over to pick you up.  I think that got me a hissed "You suck"
Then as I drove you back home I did realize you all had backpacks that you did not have before you left.  So I calmly said, "Boys, we will be having a backpack search in the garage when we get home."
you hissed "I hate you!  You are just doing this because it's 4/20"
I did not find anything but I think it solidified my status as an uncool mom.  I also had NO idea what 4/20 meant but I played it off like I knew exactly what I was doing!  

The second issue seems to be embarrassing you.  I will confess this is something that parents don't tell their kids when they become parents.  I think it is one of the many hidden joys of parenthood.  I will try to refrain from it but it by far the MOST fun thing about being a parent of a teenager.  And it is so PHUCKING easy!

Most of all today what I want to tell you is how proud I am of you.  You are very different from me when I was 16.  You really like yourself.  You think you are great and don't care if others don't. You like the way you look and  the things you don't like assume puberty and time will take  care of. You are confident in your humor and your ability to engage others.  You are wonderful and sitting here..I am not sure how much credit I can take for that..I think that is you.  But you have my eyes....

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