Friday, December 2, 2011

permission to be a lesbian and/or a reindeer- sigh

ok we all know Spawn's mantra-"You are too old to date!"
OUR ON-GOING SPAWN/MOM conversations
M-"But your dad is older than me, it it ok for him to date?"
S-"Yes, he's my dad!"
M-" Huh??? Then why isn't it ok for me to date?"
S-"Because you are my MOTHER-it will never be ok for you to date!"
S-" I don't why you would even want a boyfriend. You are too old and he can't come over here because I am here so it is an exercise in futility to even try and have one!"
M-"Huh??? So what you are saying is my life is over and I will be lonely forever-correct?"
M-"just checking. note to self...." lol
S-" Mom, you are too old for: (not in any particular order)
a boyfriend
hooker shoes
your clothes
an the list goes on"
blah blah blah..I have stopped listening. These conversations have become a buzzing,white noise. I am present for conversations about home work and grades and daily teenage angst. But the "too old for" conversations I have been tuning out for a while. BECAUSE he is a 14 year old boy who has absolutely no control over those parts of my life. I love him and all but the day I let a 14 year old child run my life is the day somebody needs to kick my ass! I let him pick out cereal at the grocery store! :)
SO-I am playing hearts on the computer and enjoying the HELL out of it and he slinks in and starts talking...I am tuning out because he is starting with the whole mom you know you can't have a real boyfriend thing..tuning out...blah blah blah
S-"........but I don't really want you to be lonely the rest of your life, so I have decided if you want to have a girlfriend that would be ok with me."
S-" I am ok with you having a girlfriend and it would be ok for her to come over when I am here and spend the night. she could be here on the days I am here and I am fine with that."
I am looking at my child like he is 5 headed snake and I seriously think my mouth fell open!
S-" But mom this is a very conservative county, so the girlfriend has to totally be on the down-low-better for you and me. She is your friend. So what do you think? It works for both of us, right?"
I AM SPEECHLESS..for once.
M-"IF I understand you correctly, you are giving permission to be a lesbian. IS that what you are saying?"
I have to say that I took a couple really deep breathes at this point and said...
M-"SON-that is like saying, I can be a reindeer. Which I can't and you know that. And I want you to think about for one minute-for ONE minute to think about how it would feel for someone to ask you to keep your love for them on the DOWN-LOW! How bad would that feel?"
S-"Horrible, I know. I'm sorry Mom..I just want something that works for me. And two moms is better than someone who replaces dad. I know you can't be a reindeer."
M-"Listen to me, you don't need to worry about me being lonely in my old age-(lol) and you don't need to worry about who I see or don't see when you aren't here. You need to worry about grades and impending puberty and you seriously need to check yourself because you know intolerance in this family is unacceptable."
S-"Sorry, Mom. Do you think a lesbian orgy would be loud?"
M-"I am assuming as loud as any other orgy. I would not have a clue how loud any orgy is."
S-"That's what I thought too."
YAY-EQUALITY for reindeer

No comments:

Post a Comment