roll one/smoke one and golf!

So late last week an e-mail went out to supervisors asking if someone could go on Saturday and pick the proceeds from a golf tournament for one of our funds that help children and families during the holidays. Since I live close to that golf course, I e-mailed that I would do it. As soon as an e-mail goes out to the other supervisors that I will do it and thanks, my office phone rings. It is my best friend at work and she says,
"Hey, nutball!!!! Have you ever been on a golf course???"

I say, "Hey squirrel girl, I will have you know I grew up on a golf course when I was a teenager and I happen to know that "greens" are excellent places to have hot.fumbley teenage sex! Plus my dad plays golf alot!"

"Well, then you are an excellent person to represent the agency at this event!"

"YES, I thought the same thing!"

"Has it occurred to you that this might cut into your Saturday beer-thirty?"

"Surely not! I just have to hop over there, accept the donation, smile and leave...easy breezy!"

"Whatcha gonna wear??"

"Clothes!"

So I call the golf pro as instructed early this afternoon and he says, it would be really great if I could come to the clubhouse as soon as the first teams finish and sort of hang out with the group until all the scores are calculated and winners announced. Huh? ok........SHIT what am I going to wear!!! So I call my friend and ask what people wear to a golf course-she said GOLF CLOTHES. I have to call the person the who sent out the e-mail and see if it is ok if I wear jeans and a sweater. She said it was so I was good to go on that part.
So I get there and GIRLS-it's kind of like a slightly twisted girl candyland! I am the only woman in the room and not the only one wearing pink!!!!! I am surrounded by men who oddly seem to be significantly younger than me or significantly older than than me and they are ALL a little loose!
A great group of men who came out on a Saturday afternoon to play golf for a good cause! Yay guys!
I sort understand golf..i appreciate the simple logic of the game but until today I didn't really understand it is the only sport I know of that is a BEER drinking sport while playing !!! How phucking excellent is that! AND I just want to say, this clubhouse has Nattie Light in a can! I didn't have one of course but spin me around and call me happy! After a couple hours I have been hit on HARD by all the old men there and learned that old men are into some damn pot smoking! What?????
OH YES, got several offers to go roll one and smoke one in their fancy ass cars. I only gave my number to one 85 year old because he was so charming and I figure he will lose it before he gets home (cause he smokes alot of pot-according to him). :)

I don't smoke pot or play golf but I respect and now celebrate others right to so! I might take lessons..really! Cause... don't I get to stand, legs apart, bend over and wiggle my ass before I hit something! PERFECT! Go golf!

BYOA

m-" I need to let you know that the plans for this weekend ARE:
* find every dead flashlight in this house and replace the batteries
* replace the batteries in all the smoke detectors
* drain the water off the pool cover
* clean the shark tank
* bathe the dogs
* decorate the tree-I have given it 3 days to decorate itself and it's a stubborn and lazy tart and is evidently having none of that
* and you will need to clean your, you know, bathroom!"
s-"seriously!"
m-"seriously...i will make hot chocolate and sing carols or small pieces of carols..you know what i can remember..like a medley..of sorts"
s-"WHERE is the fun in this????"
m-"IT will be a BYOF weekend!" :)
s-"huh!"
m-" Bring your own FUN!"
s-"How about BYOA."
m-"huh"
s-"bring your own ATTITUDE!"
m-"Perfect! cause I plan on bringing mine too!!!! It's isn't like they don't don't each other! Yay for the four of us!"
Happy Weekend!

permission to be a lesbian and/or a reindeer- sigh

ok we all know Spawn's mantra-"You are too old to date!"
OUR ON-GOING SPAWN/MOM conversations
#1
M-"But your dad is older than me, it it ok for him to date?"
S-"Yes, he's my dad!"
M-" Huh??? Then why isn't it ok for me to date?"
S-"Because you are my MOTHER-it will never be ok for you to date!"
#2
S-" I don't why you would even want a boyfriend. You are too old and he can't come over here because I am here so it is an exercise in futility to even try and have one!"
M-"Huh??? So what you are saying is my life is over and I will be lonely forever-correct?"
S-"Correct."
M-"just checking. note to self...." lol
#3
S-" Mom, you are too old for: (not in any particular order)
a boyfriend
tattoos
hooker shoes
your clothes
dating
tanning
sex
an the list goes on"
blah blah blah..I have stopped listening. These conversations have become a buzzing,white noise. I am present for conversations about home work and grades and daily teenage angst. But the "too old for" conversations I have been tuning out for a while. BECAUSE he is a 14 year old boy who has absolutely no control over those parts of my life. I love him and all but the day I let a 14 year old child run my life is the day somebody needs to kick my ass! I let him pick out cereal at the grocery store! :)
SO-I am playing hearts on the computer and enjoying the HELL out of it and he slinks in and starts talking...I am tuning out because he is starting with the whole mom you know you can't have a real boyfriend thing..tuning out...blah blah blah
S-"........but I don't really want you to be lonely the rest of your life, so I have decided if you want to have a girlfriend that would be ok with me."
WHAT-I AM NOW TUNED IN.
S-" I am ok with you having a girlfriend and it would be ok for her to come over when I am here and spend the night. she could be here on the days I am here and I am fine with that."
I am looking at my child like he is 5 headed snake and I seriously think my mouth fell open!
S-" But mom this is a very conservative county, so the girlfriend has to totally be on the down-low-better for you and me. She is your .huh...best friend. So what do you think? It works for both of us, right?"
I AM SPEECHLESS..for once.
M-"IF I understand you correctly, you are giving permission to be a lesbian. IS that what you are saying?"
S-"Yes!"
I have to say that I took a couple really deep breathes at this point and said...
M-"SON-that is like saying, I can be a reindeer. Which I can't and you know that. And I want you to think about for one minute-for ONE minute to think about how it would feel for someone to ask you to keep your love for them on the DOWN-LOW! How bad would that feel?"
S-"Horrible, I know. I'm sorry Mom..I just want something that works for me. And two moms is better than someone who replaces dad. I know you can't be a reindeer."
M-"Listen to me, you don't need to worry about me being lonely in my old age-(lol) and you don't need to worry about who I see or don't see when you aren't here. You need to worry about grades and impending puberty and you seriously need to check yourself because you know intolerance in this family is unacceptable."
S-"Sorry, Mom. Do you think a lesbian orgy would be loud?"
M-"I am assuming as loud as any other orgy. I would not have a clue how loud any orgy is."
S-"That's what I thought too."
YAY-EQUALITY for reindeer

Boots and Boys

Spawn-taneous and Mommy chat
S"You realize I am PATHETIC!"
M"huh?"
S-"My whole social life is on-line playing black-ops with kids from Nebraska. I actually consider these kids to be my FRIENDS! DO you get how pathetic that is???!!!"
M"Would you like to see a therapist?"
S-"NO!"
M-"Are you a danger to yourself or others?"
S-"NO! god,MOM"
M-"Are you doing drugs, drinking, sexting, looking at porno on the computer, skipping school, bullying anyone?"
S-" NO!!!!"
M-" ok, then let me tell you this. You are not pathetic! You are temporarily in "the desert". You are a freshman boy. No one has time for your kind. You are wandering alone...with your kind all about you but not close because not even freshman boys want to hang with other freshman boys..except for the nerds -just because they are more evolved. They are hanging out together and enjoying as best they can the desert that is this year. Plus you are a freshman boy who has not yet reached puberty ( you can thank me and my family of late-bloomers later) so you are are double screwed. SO my point being-considering on-line friends your real friends is not pathetic-it's your reality just for right now and it isn't bad. And I promise things will get different and more exciting and we can all hope, better."
S-" So what you are saying i just have to endure this?"
M-" This and many more desert times in your life. And while we are talking-Flushing the toilet does NOT cause brain damage! Candy wrappers left on the floor (phuck you Halloween and your endless supply ) DO NOT reproduce candy! Pockets are meant to be TEMPORARY holders of things..gum,your braces' rubber bands and notes really DON't like being washed! Towels really don't dry on the FLOOR! AND NO-we really don't need to keep the heat at 80 degrees so you can be comfortable in SHORTS!"
S-"OMG-I will get to move out someday-right!!!!!!"
M-"We can only hope!"
S-"I love you, Mom."
M-"I love you too, ALOT and I will always try to be an oasis in your desert times but that isn't a guarantee. If you back the truck up to a green lawn and dump the sand yourself- I may send you a postcard and hope you figure it out for yourself." :)
S-" I hate that you think and act younger than you are!"
M"OK!"
S"You should not wear boots and tights!"
M-"OK!"
S-" You should not be dating!"
M-"understand your point of view!"
S-"why aren't you arguing with me?"
M-"Cause you are freshman boy....everyone knows freshman boys are just lame!" :)
S-"Thanks, Mom!"
any time....;)

trying to be nice and cupping

I am a person who honestly tries to be nice. It's my nature AND you can push me once or twice and I am still smiling..nice-ing it. But there is point when I go-oh hell no. I took my car in to have the tires rotated and balanced and sat..and sat-it was 7:15 IN THE MORNING-i was the only person there. 7:45-the dude rolls a tire out-do i really know this is MY tire -NO-cause I forgot to mark it with pink finger nail polish-ding dang it! He goes down on one knee in front of me and starts talking. There is CUPPING-bad things could happen.You need 4 new tires! Your brakes are THIS close to being metal to metal-i am nodding-thinking -wtf is cupping. It doesn't sound good on any level. I like it if you can make a problem sound remotely sexual..that's just me. But cupping and metal to metal are just..boring. But then he mentions the water pump which may be leaking JUST a little AND makes me go look at it....that was my push! OH hell no AND i have to leave in an hour so if you can't do the new tires and the brakes in an hour-i will just take the brakes. OH then all of a sudden they could get it done.
I was so pissed-so pissed- at me not being able to deal with that situation knowledgeably!
I will own the cupping because I am like a curb-riding over fool. if there is a curb-my ass is driving over it-accidently! :) And the car is 4 years old-it probably needs brakes. But don't try to sell me a water pump-it's too much.
Plus the waiting room was cold! I wish..I knew more about all kinds of things..but I don't yet so I will continue to try to be nice..until pushed too far. ;)

WHEE as in Cullowhee :)

I am packing for my first ever vacation alone. I am going home for the first time in 10 years. That amazes me but 10 years ago my dad told me and my siblings that he was selling the farm in Cullowhee and buying a condo in Swannanoa.( ha- Swannanoa comes up as a misspelled word but the only suggestion is swanning. I seriously don't want to know what that is.) WHAT.. what? We were shell-shocked. We thought we would always have a place to come back to in Cullowhee, a place to bring our kids, so they would know Cullowhee too.( the misspelled suggestion for Cullowhee is callowness..huh)
Dad moved and I have not been back but I am so excited to be going home on my first EVER vacation alone! I am going home for the class of 1979's 50th Birthday Party! Our class is so awesome we are getting together for our collective 50th b-day!
Just so you know-I have never been to a class reunion and they have had them. Many since 1979 ..I never went..I was busy, I was broke, I was afraid. I didn't go.
But I am going to this because for the first time since I was 18, I realize these are people who mean alot to me. These are people who have known me since i was 5 (we had kindergarten through 12th grade in one building).
These are people I genuinely like!
S-"Are you taking someone to this class thing..you are, don't lie!"
M-" No I am not!"
S-"SERIOUSLY!"
M_"Seriously.
M-"I totally intend to share really good times with my friends and just hook up there. The high school guys will be lookin fine!"
S-"MOM! You are WAY too old for them!!! I think I am going to be sick"
M-"WHAT! They are my age..how could I be too old?"
S-" Oh phuck, I thought you were talking about real high school guys!"
M-.....sigh..
I have to stop saying things just to get under Spawn's skin. It's so easy, it just seems unfair. :)
Coming home!!!!! WHEE!

winter and math

The first dark evenings of daylight saving time just depress me. It is winter's line in the sand and I despise winter like it is a racist/sexist/pajama in public wearing/ tea party zombie. I could go on but that's all the hating i got right now. I do not like the cold mornings! I do not like the cold nights! I do not like the cold days! I do not like snow or frost or slightly frosty. I do not like seeing my breath in the air. I do not like coats -although, yes i sort of do when it's COLD! I give coats a pass-just semi-hate them, like grocery shopping! :)
I am trying to stay up til 9 cause that is really 10. I went to bed at 8:30 last night cause it was really 9:30 and woke up at 4:30 which was really 5:30 and this is MATH..phucking MATH..yet another reason I hate winter. SERIOUSLY!
And this morning, as I rounded the "Lovin It" drive through..I thought..one morning, I am going to drive up and the pork and gravy biscuit will be gone! It will just happen without warning and I will be more depressed. Damn it!
On the upside-since my hormones ran out I am having quite tropical events while I try to sleep and quite frankly I love them! Although, I am finding Spawn slightly more annoying than usual and I am pretty sure I will be eating his Oreos if we get snowed in without power and he will have to open cans of cold peas..that i am not really sure why we have.
M-" I am going to have to go bed."
S-"Mom, it's 8:30!"
M-"It's really 9:30"
S-"no Mom-it's not-it's really 8:30. I am going to bed at 10-which is my bedtime.
M-"Which is really 11."
S-" MOTHER, no it's not but if you want to go to bed at 8:30, I am down with that-way more unsupervised time than I usually get!"
M-"I have things to do..staying up!" :)
phuck winter and your baby brother, fall. poohie! hate winter!