Think about this for just a moment, because I have, what if today someone had to come in and GRINCH your house-your furniture, every cabinet,every drawer,every closet,every picture,every knick knack, every box,your laundry room,your attic,your dressers,your desk,your refrigerator,your plants, your bills,your 17 umbrellas, your 30 pairs of Merell shoes,your front porch,your back porch. They had to come in and take EVERYTHING down to the last nail in the wall and they had a time limit and they drove a VIBE! A VIBE which with the back seats down would only accommodate Cam Newton and one small running back-if they spooned and drew their legs up and were in street clothes-well maybe only Cam Newton. BESIDE the point-sorry-a VIBE! Well I will just tell you it would take that person and friends alot of time.AND in Becky's case she had smoked in the apartment for 6 years so everything just smelled. YAY! So 8 trips to the PTA thrift store and 50 to the dumpster. 8 vibe trips home and really good friends who drove a rented truck and picked up the big stuff! You start out being compassionate with the STUFF and you end up being ruthless because you are tired.
All those things that we think are worth saving...like every birthday card we got-guilty as charged-really don't mean alot to your Grinch-your love letters from 20 years ago.. fascinating briefly cause your Grinch does not have time to read them.
Her apartment is now living in my living room or garage. Because of her love for everything oriental, my living room looks like a tarted up geisha wanna be. I will find new homes for all that. And I found I talked to her alot when I was down there by myself mostly like,"What the phuck is up with the rubber band ball, the freezer bag obsession...etc" BUT i took home 17 lighters, 15 rolls of paper towels, 27 different boxes and sizes of zip lock bags( I am set for life on the zip lock bags and do not for one minute think I am not grateful) So I Grinch-ed Becky's home and a part of her is here.
AND then there are the neighbors....sweet baby petshop pets...i met the oddest people....
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
socks and smoke-part one
or why I haven't blogged in a month.
Someone's death, whether expected or sudden, a blessing or a tragedy, is always life-altering for at least one other person.
I was sitting at my desk about 6 weeks ago and I got a call. The caller ID said UNC Bookstore. That was just odd. I picked it up and said,
"This is April." in my perky voice because most people who call me I don't know are usually calling because they are PISSED-the perkiness tends to stump the toe of the rhythm of their pre-planned rant-giving my perky ass a little advantage.
"Hello, I am sorry. " the caller is breathless and her voice is shaking. " I am sorry, I don't even know how to say this."
" Take a breath." I say because I am confused.
"ok I don't know how to ask this so I will just ask. Do you know Becky *??????"
"Yes, I do. She is my cousin..well not my cousin, my dad's cousin, first cousin but i guess my second cousin but yes I know her."
"Well the police...found her dead this morning. They are looking for her next of kin. I don't know how they found me, i used to work with her. You need to call this Sargent...."
There was some more confusing conversation...she had been dead a week...her friends couldn't remember my dad's name but thought i was a social worker-looked through her facebook friends..found a social worker..called me. I was stunned...I called my dad-he called the police and went down that day to take care of things.
Becky wasn't old-she had retired from UNC the year before, she was 62.
Three years before she had asked me to come down and get her antique bedroom suit...it was beautiful. She said she was simplifying her life and didn't want anyone else to have to deal with what she had to deal with when she moved her mother out of her apartment. Another part of this story that I will tell later. Then she asked if I would be her Executor and Heir-i said yes-because it just seemed like something so far in the future, i would forget about it before it happened. And I already had.
My dad called me the next night and said they found a copy of the will and it was all mine and i said , well yes I knew that.
He said, "April, we have her portfolio, you are going to get quite bit of money."
"Money?"
"Yes, money. I will leave you the key to the apartment and all her financial information as we drive back tomorrow. you have a lot of work ahead of you. you need to have the apartment cleaned out by the end of September"
I came home that day from work and looked at the financial information and realized my life would be forever altered by Becky's death.
A couple days later I drove to Carrboro and thought alot on the way down (when i was not nutting up because i was on the interstate) about what Becky said about how she was going to simply her life. When I turned the key and walked in...I realized..she had not gotten around to that yet. So I haven't blogged because besides my full time job and my hands full Spawn mom-ing I have been emptying my second's cousin's apartment every single Saturday and Sunday (5 hours round trip) for a month. I have had to meet with a lawyer, engage a clerk of court to open a safe deposit box for me and get to know my cousin room by room.
And she was wonderful and she had a story and I will tell it...in the next blog
Someone's death, whether expected or sudden, a blessing or a tragedy, is always life-altering for at least one other person.
I was sitting at my desk about 6 weeks ago and I got a call. The caller ID said UNC Bookstore. That was just odd. I picked it up and said,
"This is April." in my perky voice because most people who call me I don't know are usually calling because they are PISSED-the perkiness tends to stump the toe of the rhythm of their pre-planned rant-giving my perky ass a little advantage.
"Hello, I am sorry. " the caller is breathless and her voice is shaking. " I am sorry, I don't even know how to say this."
" Take a breath." I say because I am confused.
"ok I don't know how to ask this so I will just ask. Do you know Becky *??????"
"Yes, I do. She is my cousin..well not my cousin, my dad's cousin, first cousin but i guess my second cousin but yes I know her."
"Well the police...found her dead this morning. They are looking for her next of kin. I don't know how they found me, i used to work with her. You need to call this Sargent...."
There was some more confusing conversation...she had been dead a week...her friends couldn't remember my dad's name but thought i was a social worker-looked through her facebook friends..found a social worker..called me. I was stunned...I called my dad-he called the police and went down that day to take care of things.
Becky wasn't old-she had retired from UNC the year before, she was 62.
Three years before she had asked me to come down and get her antique bedroom suit...it was beautiful. She said she was simplifying her life and didn't want anyone else to have to deal with what she had to deal with when she moved her mother out of her apartment. Another part of this story that I will tell later. Then she asked if I would be her Executor and Heir-i said yes-because it just seemed like something so far in the future, i would forget about it before it happened. And I already had.
My dad called me the next night and said they found a copy of the will and it was all mine and i said , well yes I knew that.
He said, "April, we have her portfolio, you are going to get quite bit of money."
"Money?"
"Yes, money. I will leave you the key to the apartment and all her financial information as we drive back tomorrow. you have a lot of work ahead of you. you need to have the apartment cleaned out by the end of September"
I came home that day from work and looked at the financial information and realized my life would be forever altered by Becky's death.
A couple days later I drove to Carrboro and thought alot on the way down (when i was not nutting up because i was on the interstate) about what Becky said about how she was going to simply her life. When I turned the key and walked in...I realized..she had not gotten around to that yet. So I haven't blogged because besides my full time job and my hands full Spawn mom-ing I have been emptying my second's cousin's apartment every single Saturday and Sunday (5 hours round trip) for a month. I have had to meet with a lawyer, engage a clerk of court to open a safe deposit box for me and get to know my cousin room by room.
And she was wonderful and she had a story and I will tell it...in the next blog
Sunday, August 28, 2011
just snakes! that is all..snakes
Dear Mr. Snake! ( or you sneaky asshole-as I like to refer to you behind your back-which is basically all you have ,you legless bane of my backyard existence asshole-ok i call you that too!)
Calming down now-just going to let you know this cat and mouse game you and me and MR. HOE have played for the past two months is going to end! I know, I know-it has been a amusing for you but frustrating for me and it has come to my attention that I may be becoming just a tad OBSESSED with killing you and no woman wants to be thought of as obsessive about anything -Spawn is giving me the "you might be crazy eye" when it comes to you so I am just going give you fair warning! I will kill you if it the last thing I do-nothing obsessive about that-lol. I am simply stating my 30 day goal to you. NOW-there a couple things you could do to make this easier-please, just let me catch you laid out IN A STRAIGHT LINE coming across the lawn to your hidey hole! YES- I know where you live but since it is under the house you are SAFE from a home invasion. Nice job of hiding from the Terminex man last week--oh yes i asked if he saw you..he didn't. I know you think it's clever to sort of weave yourself in and out and around things so MR.HOE can't get a kill shot but I am willing to let the grass grow tall so you can hang out in it and I can mow you over-so an option-i dream about that actually.
And just so you know-I am all about diversity-this has nothing to do with the color of your skin, the shape of your head, the fact you don't have like legs or shit-it has to do with the fact you are in my YARD!
The point of all this is-MR. HOE and I will get our moment OR you could MOVE the hell on. It could be your perfect revenge! I never see you again...and I become a bitter old woman..sitting in the dark rambling about the asshole who got away. Win-win-cause i will probably a bitter old woman anyway at some point -the point when I can't wield the mighty MR. HOE and kill one stupid asshole snake! ok maybe i am boarding the "killing a snake " crazy train. never mind..having a beer..gonna relax..hope i don't see ya..wouldn't want to be ya! ;)
Calming down now-just going to let you know this cat and mouse game you and me and MR. HOE have played for the past two months is going to end! I know, I know-it has been a amusing for you but frustrating for me and it has come to my attention that I may be becoming just a tad OBSESSED with killing you and no woman wants to be thought of as obsessive about anything -Spawn is giving me the "you might be crazy eye" when it comes to you so I am just going give you fair warning! I will kill you if it the last thing I do-nothing obsessive about that-lol. I am simply stating my 30 day goal to you. NOW-there a couple things you could do to make this easier-please, just let me catch you laid out IN A STRAIGHT LINE coming across the lawn to your hidey hole! YES- I know where you live but since it is under the house you are SAFE from a home invasion. Nice job of hiding from the Terminex man last week--oh yes i asked if he saw you..he didn't. I know you think it's clever to sort of weave yourself in and out and around things so MR.HOE can't get a kill shot but I am willing to let the grass grow tall so you can hang out in it and I can mow you over-so an option-i dream about that actually.
And just so you know-I am all about diversity-this has nothing to do with the color of your skin, the shape of your head, the fact you don't have like legs or shit-it has to do with the fact you are in my YARD!
The point of all this is-MR. HOE and I will get our moment OR you could MOVE the hell on. It could be your perfect revenge! I never see you again...and I become a bitter old woman..sitting in the dark rambling about the asshole who got away. Win-win-cause i will probably a bitter old woman anyway at some point -the point when I can't wield the mighty MR. HOE and kill one stupid asshole snake! ok maybe i am boarding the "killing a snake " crazy train. never mind..having a beer..gonna relax..hope i don't see ya..wouldn't want to be ya! ;)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
hummingbirds and gift cards!
So, several months ago my FAVORITE team of people gave me a gift card for a ridiculously large sum for some thing or another I had done. They stood in front me looking at me expectantly as I opened the gift card to.......a spa. One of them said, "it's for a full body massage!!!". There was all sort of cooing about how I needed to pamper myself..relax etc. I smiled and cooed too-so great! thanks you guys!..the whole time I am thinking...oh hell NO. Hello, My name is April and I have a massage phobia! I really, really appreciated the gift and that they like me, really like me-lol-but I would have rather gotten a gift card to Auto Zone! Recently I was in there for first time and I hope only time, on a blazing hot Sunday, waiting for them to come check my car battery and confirm it's demise and charge me a bunch of money for a new one. And I had a chance to look around that store over and over again while WAITING.... and it has to be the most boring store in the universe. BUT i would take a gift card to there and just stock up on all sorts of crap I had no idea what it was than get a gift card to a spa for a full body massage!
Here are my problems with massages at spas-I have never actually had one, by the way. One, I am a hummingbird in a box-except when i am sleeping. The closest i come to relaxing is floating in the pool, reading a book, twirling my hair and wiggling my toes to the music on the radio. Just so you know I have been told by other people they find it impossible to relax watching me relax. Second I am terrified, TERRIFIED that I will get turned on during a massage.
like in a panting , uncontrollable, make a fool of yourself way! For some reason to me this would be the equivalent to getting up to give a speech and realizing you are naked or going to wal-mart in pajamas. It just terrifies me. I plan to work on this phobia ...never... but get THIS!!!! With a gift card you don't have to get what the people who gave it to you for -you can get something else. AND it took me three months to figure that after I finally confessed to one of the team members why I had not used the gift card. She looked at me like I was a moron and said then get a deluxe pedicure! Bless you, my child! Damn gift cards can be so complicated...beer is always a good gift! just sayin! ;)
Here are my problems with massages at spas-I have never actually had one, by the way. One, I am a hummingbird in a box-except when i am sleeping. The closest i come to relaxing is floating in the pool, reading a book, twirling my hair and wiggling my toes to the music on the radio. Just so you know I have been told by other people they find it impossible to relax watching me relax. Second I am terrified, TERRIFIED that I will get turned on during a massage.
like in a panting , uncontrollable, make a fool of yourself way! For some reason to me this would be the equivalent to getting up to give a speech and realizing you are naked or going to wal-mart in pajamas. It just terrifies me. I plan to work on this phobia ...never... but get THIS!!!! With a gift card you don't have to get what the people who gave it to you for -you can get something else. AND it took me three months to figure that after I finally confessed to one of the team members why I had not used the gift card. She looked at me like I was a moron and said then get a deluxe pedicure! Bless you, my child! Damn gift cards can be so complicated...beer is always a good gift! just sayin! ;)
Monday, July 25, 2011
check marks,smiley faces and a GOOD mental age
S-"MOM!!!!!"
M-"WHAT!!!!"
S-"What is this?!"
M-"What?!"
S-"These check marks with smiley faces on the calendar?????!!!"
M-"Booty calls."
S-"MOM!"
M-"OK i have started marking off the days until you graduate and move away." ;)
S-"MOM, are you pregnant!!!!!!?????"
M-"WHAT!"
S-"Because that would be DIS-gusting!"
M-"AND I am pretty sure IM-possible..just sayin!"
S-"Are these date nights...sexting nights??? What do these mean???"
M-"Son, those are nights/days that i ran-walked/ran-ran/walked."
S-"oh"
M-"What is the deal?"
S-" I have decided that except for the fact that you work all the time and you know, pay the bills and buy groceries and keep the house clean and mow and stuff like that, your mental age is SIX! And that needs to change!"
M-"I have decided your mental age is SIX! Want to have cookie time and watch South Park?"
S-STARE
M-STARE
S-"Ok but please stop feeling the need to tell me at every commercial, 'YOU REALIZE THIS IS SATIRE'. I get it,Mom."
M-"Ok but my mental age is really more like 15 with a WHOLE lot more maturity than I had at 15."
S-"MOM-you are 50, at the very least your mental age needs to be 40!"
M-"What if my mental age at 40 was 15?"
S-"I can't talk to you! My mental age is 23."
M-"DREAM on, baby boy. Although since most 23 year old men have a mental age of 14 and you are 14-you can probably stay in a holding pattern for the next 8 years. But don't baby, try to grow! Cookie Time! and you realize that South Park..."
S-"MOM! Please stop talking!"
M-"WHAT!!!!"
S-"What is this?!"
M-"What?!"
S-"These check marks with smiley faces on the calendar?????!!!"
M-"Booty calls."
S-"MOM!"
M-"OK i have started marking off the days until you graduate and move away." ;)
S-"MOM, are you pregnant!!!!!!?????"
M-"WHAT!"
S-"Because that would be DIS-gusting!"
M-"AND I am pretty sure IM-possible..just sayin!"
S-"Are these date nights...sexting nights??? What do these mean???"
M-"Son, those are nights/days that i ran-walked/ran-ran/walked."
S-"oh"
M-"What is the deal?"
S-" I have decided that except for the fact that you work all the time and you know, pay the bills and buy groceries and keep the house clean and mow and stuff like that, your mental age is SIX! And that needs to change!"
M-"I have decided your mental age is SIX! Want to have cookie time and watch South Park?"
S-STARE
M-STARE
S-"Ok but please stop feeling the need to tell me at every commercial, 'YOU REALIZE THIS IS SATIRE'. I get it,Mom."
M-"Ok but my mental age is really more like 15 with a WHOLE lot more maturity than I had at 15."
S-"MOM-you are 50, at the very least your mental age needs to be 40!"
M-"What if my mental age at 40 was 15?"
S-"I can't talk to you! My mental age is 23."
M-"DREAM on, baby boy. Although since most 23 year old men have a mental age of 14 and you are 14-you can probably stay in a holding pattern for the next 8 years. But don't baby, try to grow! Cookie Time! and you realize that South Park..."
S-"MOM! Please stop talking!"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
"MOM, this is why you aren't girlfriend (wince) material!!" by SPAWN
S-"I don't know why you date! YOU will never be girlfriend material! It's just a waste of time, Mom!"
M-"Specifically...why, do ya think?" ;)
S-"ok one, you are OLD."
M-"ok and...what if I am dating old men."
S-"OMG-you are not attractive, Mom! I know you think you are but you aren't. You are all tatted up and sometimes you dress horribly! the tan stuff..disgusting!"
M-"AS WE HAVE DISCUSSED BEFORE 2 TATTOOS IS NOT TATTED UP!
S-"2 in a year, MOM! 2 in a year!"
M-" OK so, IF i date men as old as me and they are not offended by the tattoos or the tan and my general and fashion unattractiveness...what?"
S-"They would have to just be companions."
M-"Companions?"
S-"YES!"
M-"HUH?"
S-"I am sure your lady parts have shut down, so just companions."
M-"My lady parts shut down like when..do ya think"
S-"sometime after 40."
M-"you don't know for sure?"
S-"I know the alternative is disgusting!"
M-" OK SO if a man-let's take the lady parts out it -found me a funny,intelligent,barely attractive COMPANION?"
S-"He would be a MORON!"
M-"ok! I will have to find me one of those."
;)
I am not girlfriend material because I am working hard- at work,around the house,trying to parent and I don't have much free time. But I am funny,intelligent and tatted up-lol and my lady parts still work! ;)
M-"Specifically...why, do ya think?" ;)
S-"ok one, you are OLD."
M-"ok and...what if I am dating old men."
S-"OMG-you are not attractive, Mom! I know you think you are but you aren't. You are all tatted up and sometimes you dress horribly! the tan stuff..disgusting!"
M-"AS WE HAVE DISCUSSED BEFORE 2 TATTOOS IS NOT TATTED UP!
S-"2 in a year, MOM! 2 in a year!"
M-" OK so, IF i date men as old as me and they are not offended by the tattoos or the tan and my general and fashion unattractiveness...what?"
S-"They would have to just be companions."
M-"Companions?"
S-"YES!"
M-"HUH?"
S-"I am sure your lady parts have shut down, so just companions."
M-"My lady parts shut down like when..do ya think"
S-"sometime after 40."
M-"you don't know for sure?"
S-"I know the alternative is disgusting!"
M-" OK SO if a man-let's take the lady parts out it -found me a funny,intelligent,barely attractive COMPANION?"
S-"He would be a MORON!"
M-"ok! I will have to find me one of those."
;)
I am not girlfriend material because I am working hard- at work,around the house,trying to parent and I don't have much free time. But I am funny,intelligent and tatted up-lol and my lady parts still work! ;)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
is my penis unattractive and other burning questions!
Spawn-tanous/ Mommy Chat
S-"MOM,MOM,MOM!!!!"
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
S-"PLEASE TELL ME I AM CIRCUMCISED!!!!!!"
M-"You are circumcised!"
S-"NO-HAVE I BEEN CIRCUMCISED???"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into my..my,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"
S-"MOM,MOM,MOM!!!!"
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
S-"PLEASE TELL ME I AM CIRCUMCISED!!!!!!"
M-"You are circumcised!"
S-"NO-HAVE I BEEN CIRCUMCISED???"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into my..my,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"
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