I will admit to being a bit taken aback by the chief's less than warm welcome. I had come from a place (Smokey Mountain girl!) where people are not, well, RUDE! But I moved forward. I got a uniform-let me just say-unless you got BIG boobs and a ghetto booty- a police uniform does NOTHING for your figure! Nothing! I looked as sexy in that uniform as Barney Fife did in his. Plus you had to wear big black ugly shoes...ugh! I got a CAR! SWEET-learned to use the radio,siren and drive with abandon! I got a GUN! I had never fired a gun of any kind before but i went to the range with the other officer trainees and some national guard guys who had to re-qualify?? They gave me bullet-lol- nah i got more than one-bullets and showed me where to put them. and by the end of the day I had qualified on the 38. I actually qualified third highest out of 20 so there was some head scratching going on. And some behind the scenes scheming as i found out at the end of the day. Before we left and the range instructor called us all together and asked WHOOOOO had never fired a big ass shot gun ( he didn't call it that but it WAS), I immediately raised my hand...it was the only hand raised...and every man was smiling. Well the instructor thought that even though I didn't have to qualify with it, all patrol cars could be equipped with big ass shot guns so I might want to shoot one..just to see. And 19 man heads nodded. I started to get a little uneasy but I was still giddy with my third place qualification and felt twirly and happy!
So I stood in front and all the other guys stood in a circle behind me-the instructor told me what to do..I did it and ended up on my ass in the dirt. Yeah -it was HI-LARIOUS. phuckers! I got up, dusted myself off and LEFT!
I had a month of training with a couple other new guys. For the most part the other non- trainee officers gave me wide berth and sly smiles. The training officer believed in hands-on training and kept HIS hands on me constantly to the point one of the other trainees said-maybe you should tell someone about that. I didn't -I will admit to being disappointed I didn't handle that better. When I got assigned to a shift, I told my Sargent about it and he said, let's hold on to that , shall we, we may need to use that later.
I made it through training!! got sworn in!!! AND what police force doesn't need an Officer LOVIN! I was assigned to the 3 to 11 shift-only woman on that shift-lol- just kidding, only woman ,except for dispatchers( who are the BOMB) in the whole department.
I loved my Sargent and I loved all the guys on my shift and they were good guys and made me feel part of the team..in a little sister sort of way. But girlfriends, for a year I was part of a man,man and more man world that frankly SHOCKED me! These men, in an environment without women (except me and I quickly did not count as a woman) lived in a no rule,I am a bad-ass, adolescent, the dog ate my morals, pull my finger kind of world! Every guy on my shift was married and to a man they all had girlfriends on the side..but LOVED their wife and kids. They partied off duty like frat boys only wish they could.. as the shift mascot-lol-they all confided in me. Did alot of the patrol car driver window to patrol car driver window reverse direction talking! Except for my Sargent, they all hit on me-got re-buffed and moved on. They told me the truckers called me Officer Cupcake and made kissy noises when they saw me on the highway on their cbs. The chief never warmed up to me and made sure I got assigned to all the cat in a tree, harassing phone call, lost bike calls. My fellow shift officers fell in love with me in a awww that's my baby sis kind of way and started backing me up every time i went on a call by myself or pulled a car over..there they would be -right behind me. It kind of eroded my confidence..it was like I had 8 big brothers watching over me.
At the end of a year it came time for me to go to the state law enforcement academy and i expressed some concerns to my Sargent. He said it was kind of like boot camp..and i said..REALLY and he said YES! I said..ding dang..he said..yeah i know! I said, "I think I will resign. I just don't think this job is for me. the chief hates me..I look horrible in this uniform...my body clock hates working 3 to 11. AND we both know I AM NOT doing anything that resembles boot camp for 4 weeks!" He said, " I think you are very insightful and this isn't the job for you but you have tried very very hard April and that means something!" LOL -a good supervisor counsels OUT. One day after my last day-he showed up at my apartment and said "I am so glad you resigned, I ....." oh yes you guys are predictable! :)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
girl arrested...nah... arresting girl!
My first real job out of college was a manager position at BoJangles, took it because i wanted to move SOUTH...still love that chicken! The pay was $28,000,which was not chump change in 1985. It was a fine little job but I noticed that the local police department was hiring patrol officers. I thought about that for a couple days,my degree was in criminal justice,and decided to apply....just because. I got a call for an interview and decided to go have that experience..cause the job paid $11,000 and even in 1985...THAT, my friends, WAS chump change.
I went to the police department in my short black skirt, white blouse, black dress jacket and KILLER pumps and a "what the hell attitude" for the interview. My interview was at 2 and I checked in early. At 2 a man in uniform came into to the lobby-looked at me-looked at ALL the other empty chairs and left. At 2:15 he did the same thing. I thought..HELLO PHUCKER..I am the only one here! Another April Lovin is not going to appear in this lobby...I AM IT! At 2:20 he came out and said, "Are you April Lovin?" The receptionist starts laughing and he shoots her a hard look.
I am thinking, well hell yes dickwad. But I smile and say yes and walk behind him to a conference room full of men in uniform! lol! sorry , went to another place for a minute! ;)
Eight men in uniform, of varying ranks, seated behind several long tables pushed together. And a single chair in front of them about five feet back. LOL..I wasn't but I was in my head! I sashayed my ass to the chair ,sat down and crossed some pretty spectacular 25 year old legs , put my hands in lap and waited.
For two hours they bombarded me with questions that they clearly did not think I would know the answers to. Ahhhh BUT I did. I remembered every law case and it's significance. I remembered every governmental procedural class i had..well.. to be honest it was a PERFECT interview. I left happy and with the distinct feeling THEY were not!
I went back to my chicken and didn't give it a second thought -except how damn satisfying to sit in a room of men and really, really give them no reason to find fault with you and look pretty hot doing it! I will remember how I felt walking out of that interview for the rest of my life..no lie! I knew they were not going to offer me the job but I knew that I had blown them away. So a week later the CHIEF calls and offers me the job. and for some reason ...I took it!
On my first day, the CHIEF, called me into his office and said, "Lovin, understand, I did not want to hire you. I don't like you. You only got hired because you have a degree and you are a ..."
I cock an eyebrow....thinking, you know, chief, you do not want to say the "W" word..so don't and he didn't-lol.
He said most of these boys don't have degrees and they are more officer than you will ever be,keep your mouth shut even you know the answer and welcome aboard!"
phucker! to be continued.... cause it is just all funny!
I went to the police department in my short black skirt, white blouse, black dress jacket and KILLER pumps and a "what the hell attitude" for the interview. My interview was at 2 and I checked in early. At 2 a man in uniform came into to the lobby-looked at me-looked at ALL the other empty chairs and left. At 2:15 he did the same thing. I thought..HELLO PHUCKER..I am the only one here! Another April Lovin is not going to appear in this lobby...I AM IT! At 2:20 he came out and said, "Are you April Lovin?" The receptionist starts laughing and he shoots her a hard look.
I am thinking, well hell yes dickwad. But I smile and say yes and walk behind him to a conference room full of men in uniform! lol! sorry , went to another place for a minute! ;)
Eight men in uniform, of varying ranks, seated behind several long tables pushed together. And a single chair in front of them about five feet back. LOL..I wasn't but I was in my head! I sashayed my ass to the chair ,sat down and crossed some pretty spectacular 25 year old legs , put my hands in lap and waited.
For two hours they bombarded me with questions that they clearly did not think I would know the answers to. Ahhhh BUT I did. I remembered every law case and it's significance. I remembered every governmental procedural class i had..well.. to be honest it was a PERFECT interview. I left happy and with the distinct feeling THEY were not!
I went back to my chicken and didn't give it a second thought -except how damn satisfying to sit in a room of men and really, really give them no reason to find fault with you and look pretty hot doing it! I will remember how I felt walking out of that interview for the rest of my life..no lie! I knew they were not going to offer me the job but I knew that I had blown them away. So a week later the CHIEF calls and offers me the job. and for some reason ...I took it!
On my first day, the CHIEF, called me into his office and said, "Lovin, understand, I did not want to hire you. I don't like you. You only got hired because you have a degree and you are a ..."
I cock an eyebrow....thinking, you know, chief, you do not want to say the "W" word..so don't and he didn't-lol.
He said most of these boys don't have degrees and they are more officer than you will ever be,keep your mouth shut even you know the answer and welcome aboard!"
phucker! to be continued.... cause it is just all funny!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
homework and other shit
SPAWN-taneous/ mommy chat
M:"Get up here!"
S:"WHAT!!"
M:"Your clean laundry has become the monster that ate the upstairs. Up here now! Put it up!"
S:" DO YOU WANT ME TO FAIL 8th GRADE!"
M:"What?"
S:" DO YOU WANT ME TO FAIL 8th GRADE!"
M:"WHAT"
S:"If i come up there to put up clothes, you will be keeping me from my homework and I might FAIL this class! Is that what you want????!!!"
M: "Get your ass up here NOW!"
S:"OK but I have to pause the movie!"
M:"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I give up!!!! Throwing in the towel! Walking away from the windmills! I can go toe to toe with the biggest asshole in the world but I cannot keep one 13 year old boy from making me want SHANK myself!!
5 mins later...
S:"ok MOM-I have put this stuff in organized piles on the bed and it will get put up tonight but can I PLEASE MOM go finish my homework..can I MOM?!"
M:"ARGHHHHHH...fine"
5 mins later....
S:" Mom, Justin(cool older brother) wants to know if I can go to Barnes and Noble to finish my homework??"
M: " NO!"
S:"Mom, he says he will make sure I get it done and I won't have the TV to distract me."
M:"OH HELL NO-putting up clothes gonna make you fail 8th grade but Barnes and Noble is going to make you FOCUS-OH HELL NO!"
20 mins later...Spawn passes by..
M:"you finished with homework?"
S:" NO way...but I got to drop a deuce!"
M:" Cool."
S:"Turtle-heading!!!!!"
M:"I hear ya!"
S:"Birthing a big baby"
M:"Fine-i ain't raising it!"
S: " I hear ya, Mom!"
Then it all comes down to poop talk...and we can poop talk all day long and all is right FOR TODAY in our world!
M:"Get up here!"
S:"WHAT!!"
M:"Your clean laundry has become the monster that ate the upstairs. Up here now! Put it up!"
S:" DO YOU WANT ME TO FAIL 8th GRADE!"
M:"What?"
S:" DO YOU WANT ME TO FAIL 8th GRADE!"
M:"WHAT"
S:"If i come up there to put up clothes, you will be keeping me from my homework and I might FAIL this class! Is that what you want????!!!"
M: "Get your ass up here NOW!"
S:"OK but I have to pause the movie!"
M:"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I give up!!!! Throwing in the towel! Walking away from the windmills! I can go toe to toe with the biggest asshole in the world but I cannot keep one 13 year old boy from making me want SHANK myself!!
5 mins later...
S:"ok MOM-I have put this stuff in organized piles on the bed and it will get put up tonight but can I PLEASE MOM go finish my homework..can I MOM?!"
M:"ARGHHHHHH...fine"
5 mins later....
S:" Mom, Justin(cool older brother) wants to know if I can go to Barnes and Noble to finish my homework??"
M: " NO!"
S:"Mom, he says he will make sure I get it done and I won't have the TV to distract me."
M:"OH HELL NO-putting up clothes gonna make you fail 8th grade but Barnes and Noble is going to make you FOCUS-OH HELL NO!"
20 mins later...Spawn passes by..
M:"you finished with homework?"
S:" NO way...but I got to drop a deuce!"
M:" Cool."
S:"Turtle-heading!!!!!"
M:"I hear ya!"
S:"Birthing a big baby"
M:"Fine-i ain't raising it!"
S: " I hear ya, Mom!"
Then it all comes down to poop talk...and we can poop talk all day long and all is right FOR TODAY in our world!
Monday, January 31, 2011
butter OWNS me!
SO "way too famous rodent/lovy dovy" month, also know as "shank me " month is ALSO -woo hoo-the month a year ago I gave up NEWS! I have not listened to NPR, read a newspaper, watched local or national news, read one bit of news, important or just entertainment in ONE year! Do I feel less informed-YES I DO! Do I feel less stressed and worried-YES I DO! Do I cuss less-yes somewhat!
And I haven't watch ANY TV in a year except for True Blood, Spartacus, Trailer Park Boys and an occasional episode of The League-which i am strangely drawn to but can only watch one episode at a time because every episode so satisfies my "MEN might be STUPIDER than I thought" jones! More than one episode at a time might cause me to OD!
Anyway I have had time this year to think about more important things than the turmoil of the world, the state of the union or who got shot outside a nightclub in Charlotte, or who got arrested for prostitution outside the bathrooms in the square of downtown Hickory! :)
And one of the things I have thought alot about is BUTTER! Stick,tub,pat,sweet,creamy, salted,unsalted- Butter is the PERFECT food-I have decided! NOT ONLY does it taste phucking perfect all by itself..it adds such taste perfection to everything you add it to. Whether you are frying,grilling,marinating, saute-ing, baking, whipping, icing..butter makes everything better-butter is my favorite food-bar none! I will confess to be being a dairy product whore but butter owns me!
AND AND!!!! it is such a great word..buttery smooth,buttery hot, warm and buttery(dang i am feeling something-aren't YOU!)like butter, butterfly, butter britches...lol!
butter it up. butter cup!
And I haven't watch ANY TV in a year except for True Blood, Spartacus, Trailer Park Boys and an occasional episode of The League-which i am strangely drawn to but can only watch one episode at a time because every episode so satisfies my "MEN might be STUPIDER than I thought" jones! More than one episode at a time might cause me to OD!
Anyway I have had time this year to think about more important things than the turmoil of the world, the state of the union or who got shot outside a nightclub in Charlotte, or who got arrested for prostitution outside the bathrooms in the square of downtown Hickory! :)
And one of the things I have thought alot about is BUTTER! Stick,tub,pat,sweet,creamy, salted,unsalted- Butter is the PERFECT food-I have decided! NOT ONLY does it taste phucking perfect all by itself..it adds such taste perfection to everything you add it to. Whether you are frying,grilling,marinating, saute-ing, baking, whipping, icing..butter makes everything better-butter is my favorite food-bar none! I will confess to be being a dairy product whore but butter owns me!
AND AND!!!! it is such a great word..buttery smooth,buttery hot, warm and buttery(dang i am feeling something-aren't YOU!)like butter, butterfly, butter britches...lol!
butter it up. butter cup!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
blue balls and mowing
Today was AWESOME! 70 degrees and sunny! It renewed me-made me think about bare legs,short skirts and hooker shoes! the pool! sitting in the sun and reading! walking in dappled sunlight !MOWING! I will worship mowing..this is my vow! I will create a shrine to mowing..candles,a little john deer mower..pictures of lush grass! AHHH..sweet sweat! Just get me the phuck through February! This is time every year I break down...i can put my head down and push through Nov. Dec and Jan. But at the end of Jan., I hit a brick wall because of FEBRUARY! The blue ball month of Winter..because it might touch ya with a pleasant day or two but there is NO DAMN WAY you are getting warm and laid!
Plus it has the groundhog day and that little furry asshole always sees 6 more weeks of winter and HEART day or in my world the day mommy has traditionally gotten a small appliance and a fold-out card that depicts her as a fluffy farm animal. Single this year so hopefully NO cards-except from my dad-he always sends me and my sisters the best heart day cards!
FEBRUARY! Hate it! I realize I live in the south and I HAVE no idea what a real winter is but seriously I would shank myself before i found out. This is bad enough and maybe it's because I am getting older but honestly...it just lasts too long in North Carolina!
This is the time of year I really start to feel blue...where is GLOBAL WARMING? It isn't here..wouldn't global warming mean like winters would be warmer..a little Fla. creeping up this way......mmmmm...yummy!
I will get through it, I do every year. February is a short month I know but it is followed by that moody ass bitch of a month March...sooo unpredictable. And then there is April...SWEET!
IF the groundhog doesn't predict 6 more weeks of winter, I am cashing in my change jar and getting a pedicure! And if 6 more weeks of winter is what we are having..i am going to continue to get naked in the tanning bed at lunch and buy mangoes! and be blue but DREAM about mowing....
Plus it has the groundhog day and that little furry asshole always sees 6 more weeks of winter and HEART day or in my world the day mommy has traditionally gotten a small appliance and a fold-out card that depicts her as a fluffy farm animal. Single this year so hopefully NO cards-except from my dad-he always sends me and my sisters the best heart day cards!
FEBRUARY! Hate it! I realize I live in the south and I HAVE no idea what a real winter is but seriously I would shank myself before i found out. This is bad enough and maybe it's because I am getting older but honestly...it just lasts too long in North Carolina!
This is the time of year I really start to feel blue...where is GLOBAL WARMING? It isn't here..wouldn't global warming mean like winters would be warmer..a little Fla. creeping up this way......mmmmm...yummy!
I will get through it, I do every year. February is a short month I know but it is followed by that moody ass bitch of a month March...sooo unpredictable. And then there is April...SWEET!
IF the groundhog doesn't predict 6 more weeks of winter, I am cashing in my change jar and getting a pedicure! And if 6 more weeks of winter is what we are having..i am going to continue to get naked in the tanning bed at lunch and buy mangoes! and be blue but DREAM about mowing....
Friday, January 28, 2011
smiling!
Some days are just more "sun on your face,twirl around with your arms out and fall down in soft green grass" days than others!!! Today was one of those days! It was a Friday( bonus points),ta da! It was 54 and sunny and I could have wrapped my arms around that 54 and kissed it! Instead of making my breakfast and taking it to work, i said "phuck it! I am going to BoJangles! I got me a CAJUN filet biscuit and some Bo-Rounds and a big Un-sweet tea.( I will say the whole fast food /ketchup issue seems to be across the board-cause I asked for ketchup and you get FOUR Bo-Rounds and THREE ketchups-this math does not work for me!)
I got to work and there was a Krispy Kreme hot donuts in the fax room e-mail..got one. Chocolate icing/creme filled! Had a training from 9 to 12-they had bagels!!!! and creme CHEESE!! Magic breakfast food fairy day!!!!!
Training finished just in time for LUNCH! Tanning bed and a prime rib sub from Quiznos ..um um um Hot and toasty! And ran my salty ass car through a car wash!!! This made me sooooo happy-although-i will admit to having car wash issues. Because SERIOUSLY..it does seem like your car is moving-even though it is not and you are alone and trapped in a car that seems to be moving but isn't. It's unnerving BUT I survived and you have no idea how proud it makes me and the car is CLEAN!!!
Spawn calls me at bout to get off work time to say he is going to a high school basketball game with a GIRL and her parents and will be gone til LATER! I get home and it's FRIDAY and put on my sweats and breathe. AND a man I like made me a raspberry creme pie from scratch..from the pie crust up! I am going to eat some that tomorrow but he sent me a picture and it made me happy today! Because it's just been that kind of day! :)
I got to work and there was a Krispy Kreme hot donuts in the fax room e-mail..got one. Chocolate icing/creme filled! Had a training from 9 to 12-they had bagels!!!! and creme CHEESE!! Magic breakfast food fairy day!!!!!
Training finished just in time for LUNCH! Tanning bed and a prime rib sub from Quiznos ..um um um Hot and toasty! And ran my salty ass car through a car wash!!! This made me sooooo happy-although-i will admit to having car wash issues. Because SERIOUSLY..it does seem like your car is moving-even though it is not and you are alone and trapped in a car that seems to be moving but isn't. It's unnerving BUT I survived and you have no idea how proud it makes me and the car is CLEAN!!!
Spawn calls me at bout to get off work time to say he is going to a high school basketball game with a GIRL and her parents and will be gone til LATER! I get home and it's FRIDAY and put on my sweats and breathe. AND a man I like made me a raspberry creme pie from scratch..from the pie crust up! I am going to eat some that tomorrow but he sent me a picture and it made me happy today! Because it's just been that kind of day! :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
there are balls and then there are AIR SOFT balls
So I am driving home today and I get behind this car that has a bumper sticker that is take off on the "got milk" theme and it says "got balls". And I wonder if they mean, DO I personally have balls or do I have access to some? Do they mean that literally or figuratively? And REALLY, REALLY ,what are you thinking when you adhere this to your bumper. Well figuratively I DO and I can get hold of some real ones if I need to or/and I have ones I can hold, same thing.
WHICH has nothing to do with this blog ,which is about one of my favorite Spawn/Mommy stories and someone PLEASE remind me I got to get hamster food tomorrow!!! Although, I do have a great neighbor I could borrow some from in a pinch-how awesome is that!
So it is a Sunday afternoon and I am on the internet-whatevering :)! AND thank god it was a little chilly cause I had on grown-up clothes and thank god it wasn't 4:00 pm cause I did not have a beer beside me. And Spawn has gone up the road with one friend to collect another friend to come back and have a " air soft gun" war?? I do remember SPECIFICALLY saying, " Don't shoot those guns between here and there!" That was like an a really good distracted mommy call and what Smokey Mountain girl doesn't dream of being able to tell her son that one day!
So a bit of time goes by and then Spawn comes crashing into the house and say, "MOM, there is someone outside to see you!!!!"
Before I can say "What? WHAT? WTF, get rid of them! " He is gone!
So I am pissed-everybody knows-company don't come without calling(so possibly it is bible people or gutter salesmen-pissed either way!)...it's just a thing!
I walk out my front door ready to.....there are THREE, count them THREE police cars in my driveway! Tuck the anger away for LATER and smile! Excuse me officer, what seems to be the problem :)
"Ma'am, are you the parent for one of these boys?" and four pairs of boy eyes turn away from me.
"Why yes,officer, I AM. What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, we had a report from your neighbor at the top of the hill that there was a group of boys roaming the neighborhood shooting BB guns and they shot this gentleman's daughter in the stomach."
AT THAT MOMENT I turned the steely death ray laser green eyes from hell on my child and oddly he did not look up-LOL! None of them did-four little heads hung in shame...
"Officer, we don't have BB guns, we have air soft guns and as you can see they are all right here and accounted for>"
"Well, since this was an air soft incident (LOL) we do not need to be involved. We will need to explain to your neighbor that this is not a police matter."
"Absolutely and the boys will go up and apologize for shooting the girl in the stomach."
Two cars left and we were left with just one officer..the EXPLAINER. So I said the boys and I would met him up at the top of the hill at the house. He walked halfway across the yard, turned back, looked at me and said, " Maybe it would be a good idea if i ride them up there in the backseat of the patrol car?"
And for the first time since I walked outside, four pairs of eyes,looked pleadingly at me and I said....
"That is an excellent idea!"
So he stuffed them in the back seat, I met them at the house at the top of the hill, the officer explained the daughter was hit in the stomach with an air soft gun at a bit of a distance, the father sternly told them boys to be more respectful. The boys apologized-it was watery and piss-poor in a way that I think is unique to men-but,that's just me. AND as we turned to leave...the mother spoke and she said, " You BOYS need to be careful! Not be shooting a girl up all in this area (demonstrating with circling hand motions) CAUSE they stuff going on. Show them where you got hit, Molly."
There is a collective "No" Molly included , the police officer and I have to turn away because we are having a hard time maintaining our adultness.
I say, " Sorry for your ...your..injury, Molly" and gather the boys to march them back down the hill,
I am walking in front of them and i hear one little boy voice say, "I am pretty they are attached, I don't think you can shoot them off" and another little boy voice said, "Well, it ain't she got she actually has STUFF going on!" I turned around and said, "YOUR air soft guns are now my air soft guns and go watch tv and try not to mess with anything somebody got going on up there!"
And I had a beer before 4 pm on a Sunday before I called three mothers to tell them their sons had taken a their first ride in a police car under my watch!
We will talk about my balls later!
WHICH has nothing to do with this blog ,which is about one of my favorite Spawn/Mommy stories and someone PLEASE remind me I got to get hamster food tomorrow!!! Although, I do have a great neighbor I could borrow some from in a pinch-how awesome is that!
So it is a Sunday afternoon and I am on the internet-whatevering :)! AND thank god it was a little chilly cause I had on grown-up clothes and thank god it wasn't 4:00 pm cause I did not have a beer beside me. And Spawn has gone up the road with one friend to collect another friend to come back and have a " air soft gun" war?? I do remember SPECIFICALLY saying, " Don't shoot those guns between here and there!" That was like an a really good distracted mommy call and what Smokey Mountain girl doesn't dream of being able to tell her son that one day!
So a bit of time goes by and then Spawn comes crashing into the house and say, "MOM, there is someone outside to see you!!!!"
Before I can say "What? WHAT? WTF, get rid of them! " He is gone!
So I am pissed-everybody knows-company don't come without calling(so possibly it is bible people or gutter salesmen-pissed either way!)...it's just a thing!
I walk out my front door ready to.....there are THREE, count them THREE police cars in my driveway! Tuck the anger away for LATER and smile! Excuse me officer, what seems to be the problem :)
"Ma'am, are you the parent for one of these boys?" and four pairs of boy eyes turn away from me.
"Why yes,officer, I AM. What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, we had a report from your neighbor at the top of the hill that there was a group of boys roaming the neighborhood shooting BB guns and they shot this gentleman's daughter in the stomach."
AT THAT MOMENT I turned the steely death ray laser green eyes from hell on my child and oddly he did not look up-LOL! None of them did-four little heads hung in shame...
"Officer, we don't have BB guns, we have air soft guns and as you can see they are all right here and accounted for>"
"Well, since this was an air soft incident (LOL) we do not need to be involved. We will need to explain to your neighbor that this is not a police matter."
"Absolutely and the boys will go up and apologize for shooting the girl in the stomach."
Two cars left and we were left with just one officer..the EXPLAINER. So I said the boys and I would met him up at the top of the hill at the house. He walked halfway across the yard, turned back, looked at me and said, " Maybe it would be a good idea if i ride them up there in the backseat of the patrol car?"
And for the first time since I walked outside, four pairs of eyes,looked pleadingly at me and I said....
"That is an excellent idea!"
So he stuffed them in the back seat, I met them at the house at the top of the hill, the officer explained the daughter was hit in the stomach with an air soft gun at a bit of a distance, the father sternly told them boys to be more respectful. The boys apologized-it was watery and piss-poor in a way that I think is unique to men-but,that's just me. AND as we turned to leave...the mother spoke and she said, " You BOYS need to be careful! Not be shooting a girl up all in this area (demonstrating with circling hand motions) CAUSE they stuff going on. Show them where you got hit, Molly."
There is a collective "No" Molly included , the police officer and I have to turn away because we are having a hard time maintaining our adultness.
I say, " Sorry for your ...your..injury, Molly" and gather the boys to march them back down the hill,
I am walking in front of them and i hear one little boy voice say, "I am pretty they are attached, I don't think you can shoot them off" and another little boy voice said, "Well, it ain't she got she actually has STUFF going on!" I turned around and said, "YOUR air soft guns are now my air soft guns and go watch tv and try not to mess with anything somebody got going on up there!"
And I had a beer before 4 pm on a Sunday before I called three mothers to tell them their sons had taken a their first ride in a police car under my watch!
We will talk about my balls later!
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