eat this!

So my dad gave me a weed eater for Christmas.  Evidently, obsessively mixing weed killer and spray stalking weeds on every border-weekly-is not good for the ground water. Sorry!
I overheard dad and Spawn at Thanksgiving..dad asked what he wanted for Christmas and Spawn said "money".
D-" Your mother always asks for money and then uses it to pay a bill.  So we no longer give her money."
S-" I will SO NOT pay any bill if if you give me money!  I will buy something I want!"
Spawn got money and I got a big ass, pretty fierce looking weed eater AND some really cute little gray plastic cans of oil.  Now, I recently bought an electric trimmer which I am so beast with! I SOOOOO neatened all my trees and bushes with that! IT made me so happy, I considered asking my neighbor if I could trim his bushes too.  But I kind of think he may be a serial killer, who like goes out of town and kills people.  So I thought...nah.

 I also bought an electric blower that on any given day owns me or I own it.  It's a learning process!  But this weed eater...I read the manual twice..and decided...to clean the garage! :)
I may never learn to use the weed eater but it phucking looks boss in my clean garage!
Thanks dad!

Happy New Year from me and Spawn!

30 things

With the new year started...  I realized I could already predict at least 30 things that would happen in my life this year!  Gotta love the known!
1.  I will eat more Swedish Fish than any one person should.
2.  I will yell and cuss in front of my washing machine while trying to unravel a bra strap from another article of clothing that it wrapped around 40 million times.
3.  I will have totally unsatisfying sex at least once...never twice.  ;)
4.  I will look at Spawn and realize that if I do nothing else in my life...I have done one really good thing!
5.  I will look at Spawn and wonder what the phuck I was thinking when I decided to have a child.
6.  I will dread grocery shopping EVERY time I have to go.
7.  I will daydream about Cam Newton...in a non-sexual way cause he so young and all.
8.  I will secretly wish my boss would get another job AWAY from me.
9.  I will spend hours marveling at how phucking stupid some people are.
10.  I will envy someone else's perfect hair color.
11.  I will be thankful for friends!
12.  I will think about what a wonderful family I have.
13.  I will  wonder if I was switched at birth!
14.  I will plot to destroy someone...and then never carry out my devious plans.
15.  I will start exercising again...I hope...
16.  I will dance alone in a room and shake my ass to totally age inappropriate rap music
17.  I will not feel the urge to get another tattoo...i hope...but i will buy another belly chain!
18.  I will wonder AGAIN how the girl at the tanning bed place is always in such a phucking perky mood and always remembers everyone's name.....does she have a system....do they have to take a class in that....
19.  I will have satisfying sex ...I better!
20.  I will start recruiting minions  and wonder if frienminions is really a better made up word than frienemies
21.  I will experience road rage but I won't shoot anyone cause I don't have a gun :)
22.  I will wish I could win the lottery
23.  I will read good books that are really BOOKS and I can hold them in my hand and turn the pages
24.  I will piss someone off and probably mean to
25.  I will hurt someone's feelings and probably not mean to
26.  I will make someone laugh
27.  I will make snarky comments in my head about people's stick figure families on the back of their cars
28.  I will do something at least once everyday that makes Spawn mad and he will do the same to me and often we will catch each other mumbling choice cuss words about each other under our breath
29.  I will look in the mirror and think..DAMMNNNN, I look good!
30.  I will try every day to be a little bit better person than I was the day before!

twinkle yourself!

Spawn/Mommy conversation....
M-Let's put up the icicle lights along the front of the house..as I recall from last year-it was pretty easy and didn't take alot of time!"
S"-"Yesssss..the reason, MOTHER, that you think it did not take alot of time last year is because we did not put them up last year!"
M-"Yes we did! We got the ladder out and put them up -i remember talking about it--several times!"
S-"Yessssss, MOTHER, we talked about it but then we figured out that the ladder wasn't high enough and that the lights had to be put up from the roof AND had we have done that..Mom, the lights would still be up from last year. Just saying."
M-"oh"
So I got off early today and I brought the ladder around and attempted to string the lights until I figured out again the the ladder was not high enough. Not to be deterred-i went out on the roof-after breaking out a screen-i sort of had a frustrated "what the phuck would i do if there was a fire" moment and the screen lost but i was free ...to slowly scuttle like a crab- a long legged sexy ass crab ( lol cause no one was looking) to the edge of the roof-hello gutters!
So as I looked down on the ant size people below-just kidding there were no people but i kept having to pull the lights up from the ground and they kept falling down-scary. I thought-shit-I AM AN ACCIDENT waiting to happen. After a long,kind of controlled panicky, scoot down the roof-I GOT IT DONE!
I was so excited! And Spawn is right-those bitches are not coming down! Icicle lights say, " HAPPY NEW YEAR" "i love you" on Valentine's Day, "Happy Easter!" and well, they are just festive any time of of the year!
Happy Christmas..let your light shine!

roll one/smoke one and golf!

So late last week an e-mail went out to supervisors asking if someone could go on Saturday and pick the proceeds from a golf tournament for one of our funds that help children and families during the holidays. Since I live close to that golf course, I e-mailed that I would do it. As soon as an e-mail goes out to the other supervisors that I will do it and thanks, my office phone rings. It is my best friend at work and she says,
"Hey, nutball!!!! Have you ever been on a golf course???"

I say, "Hey squirrel girl, I will have you know I grew up on a golf course when I was a teenager and I happen to know that "greens" are excellent places to have hot.fumbley teenage sex! Plus my dad plays golf alot!"

"Well, then you are an excellent person to represent the agency at this event!"

"YES, I thought the same thing!"

"Has it occurred to you that this might cut into your Saturday beer-thirty?"

"Surely not! I just have to hop over there, accept the donation, smile and leave...easy breezy!"

"Whatcha gonna wear??"

"Clothes!"

So I call the golf pro as instructed early this afternoon and he says, it would be really great if I could come to the clubhouse as soon as the first teams finish and sort of hang out with the group until all the scores are calculated and winners announced. Huh? ok........SHIT what am I going to wear!!! So I call my friend and ask what people wear to a golf course-she said GOLF CLOTHES. I have to call the person the who sent out the e-mail and see if it is ok if I wear jeans and a sweater. She said it was so I was good to go on that part.
So I get there and GIRLS-it's kind of like a slightly twisted girl candyland! I am the only woman in the room and not the only one wearing pink!!!!! I am surrounded by men who oddly seem to be significantly younger than me or significantly older than than me and they are ALL a little loose!
A great group of men who came out on a Saturday afternoon to play golf for a good cause! Yay guys!
I sort understand golf..i appreciate the simple logic of the game but until today I didn't really understand it is the only sport I know of that is a BEER drinking sport while playing !!! How phucking excellent is that! AND I just want to say, this clubhouse has Nattie Light in a can! I didn't have one of course but spin me around and call me happy! After a couple hours I have been hit on HARD by all the old men there and learned that old men are into some damn pot smoking! What?????
OH YES, got several offers to go roll one and smoke one in their fancy ass cars. I only gave my number to one 85 year old because he was so charming and I figure he will lose it before he gets home (cause he smokes alot of pot-according to him). :)

I don't smoke pot or play golf but I respect and now celebrate others right to so! I might take lessons..really! Cause... don't I get to stand, legs apart, bend over and wiggle my ass before I hit something! PERFECT! Go golf!

BYOA

m-" I need to let you know that the plans for this weekend ARE:
* find every dead flashlight in this house and replace the batteries
* replace the batteries in all the smoke detectors
* drain the water off the pool cover
* clean the shark tank
* bathe the dogs
* decorate the tree-I have given it 3 days to decorate itself and it's a stubborn and lazy tart and is evidently having none of that
* and you will need to clean your, you know, bathroom!"
s-"seriously!"
m-"seriously...i will make hot chocolate and sing carols or small pieces of carols..you know what i can remember..like a medley..of sorts"
s-"WHERE is the fun in this????"
m-"IT will be a BYOF weekend!" :)
s-"huh!"
m-" Bring your own FUN!"
s-"How about BYOA."
m-"huh"
s-"bring your own ATTITUDE!"
m-"Perfect! cause I plan on bringing mine too!!!! It's isn't like they don't don't each other! Yay for the four of us!"
Happy Weekend!

permission to be a lesbian and/or a reindeer- sigh

ok we all know Spawn's mantra-"You are too old to date!"
OUR ON-GOING SPAWN/MOM conversations
#1
M-"But your dad is older than me, it it ok for him to date?"
S-"Yes, he's my dad!"
M-" Huh??? Then why isn't it ok for me to date?"
S-"Because you are my MOTHER-it will never be ok for you to date!"
#2
S-" I don't why you would even want a boyfriend. You are too old and he can't come over here because I am here so it is an exercise in futility to even try and have one!"
M-"Huh??? So what you are saying is my life is over and I will be lonely forever-correct?"
S-"Correct."
M-"just checking. note to self...." lol
#3
S-" Mom, you are too old for: (not in any particular order)
a boyfriend
tattoos
hooker shoes
your clothes
dating
tanning
sex
an the list goes on"
blah blah blah..I have stopped listening. These conversations have become a buzzing,white noise. I am present for conversations about home work and grades and daily teenage angst. But the "too old for" conversations I have been tuning out for a while. BECAUSE he is a 14 year old boy who has absolutely no control over those parts of my life. I love him and all but the day I let a 14 year old child run my life is the day somebody needs to kick my ass! I let him pick out cereal at the grocery store! :)
SO-I am playing hearts on the computer and enjoying the HELL out of it and he slinks in and starts talking...I am tuning out because he is starting with the whole mom you know you can't have a real boyfriend thing..tuning out...blah blah blah
S-"........but I don't really want you to be lonely the rest of your life, so I have decided if you want to have a girlfriend that would be ok with me."
WHAT-I AM NOW TUNED IN.
S-" I am ok with you having a girlfriend and it would be ok for her to come over when I am here and spend the night. she could be here on the days I am here and I am fine with that."
I am looking at my child like he is 5 headed snake and I seriously think my mouth fell open!
S-" But mom this is a very conservative county, so the girlfriend has to totally be on the down-low-better for you and me. She is your .huh...best friend. So what do you think? It works for both of us, right?"
I AM SPEECHLESS..for once.
M-"IF I understand you correctly, you are giving permission to be a lesbian. IS that what you are saying?"
S-"Yes!"
I have to say that I took a couple really deep breathes at this point and said...
M-"SON-that is like saying, I can be a reindeer. Which I can't and you know that. And I want you to think about for one minute-for ONE minute to think about how it would feel for someone to ask you to keep your love for them on the DOWN-LOW! How bad would that feel?"
S-"Horrible, I know. I'm sorry Mom..I just want something that works for me. And two moms is better than someone who replaces dad. I know you can't be a reindeer."
M-"Listen to me, you don't need to worry about me being lonely in my old age-(lol) and you don't need to worry about who I see or don't see when you aren't here. You need to worry about grades and impending puberty and you seriously need to check yourself because you know intolerance in this family is unacceptable."
S-"Sorry, Mom. Do you think a lesbian orgy would be loud?"
M-"I am assuming as loud as any other orgy. I would not have a clue how loud any orgy is."
S-"That's what I thought too."
YAY-EQUALITY for reindeer