S-"I don't know why you date! YOU will never be girlfriend material! It's just a waste of time, Mom!"
M-"Specifically...why, do ya think?" ;)
S-"ok one, you are OLD."
M-"ok and...what if I am dating old men."
S-"OMG-you are not attractive, Mom! I know you think you are but you aren't. You are all tatted up and sometimes you dress horribly! the tan stuff..disgusting!"
M-"AS WE HAVE DISCUSSED BEFORE 2 TATTOOS IS NOT TATTED UP!
S-"2 in a year, MOM! 2 in a year!"
M-" OK so, IF i date men as old as me and they are not offended by the tattoos or the tan and my general and fashion unattractiveness...what?"
S-"They would have to just be companions."
M-"Companions?"
S-"YES!"
M-"HUH?"
S-"I am sure your lady parts have shut down, so just companions."
M-"My lady parts shut down like when..do ya think"
S-"sometime after 40."
M-"you don't know for sure?"
S-"I know the alternative is disgusting!"
M-" OK SO if a man-let's take the lady parts out it -found me a funny,intelligent,barely attractive COMPANION?"
S-"He would be a MORON!"
M-"ok! I will have to find me one of those."
;)
I am not girlfriend material because I am working hard- at work,around the house,trying to parent and I don't have much free time. But I am funny,intelligent and tatted up-lol and my lady parts still work! ;)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
is my penis unattractive and other burning questions!
Spawn-tanous/ Mommy Chat
S-"MOM,MOM,MOM!!!!"
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
S-"PLEASE TELL ME I AM CIRCUMCISED!!!!!!"
M-"You are circumcised!"
S-"NO-HAVE I BEEN CIRCUMCISED???"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into my..my,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"
S-"MOM,MOM,MOM!!!!"
M-" JESUS! Where is the fire!!!! WHAT???"
S-"PLEASE TELL ME I AM CIRCUMCISED!!!!!!"
M-"You are circumcised!"
S-"NO-HAVE I BEEN CIRCUMCISED???"
M-"Yes, son. What is the deal?"
S-" ohhhhhh thank you mommy! This girl was on Comedy Central last night and she was talking about how funny/ ugly looking uncircumcised penises were and I just didn't want to go into my..my,,,"
M-"dating years?"
S-"YES, dating years...uh....handicapped!"
M-"Ok ONE-I don't think an uncircumcised man would consider himself "handicapped", TWO-not sure that ANY penis is ever described as un-ugly/pretty/beautiful/cute/majorly attractive/not funny looking and THREE, since your "dating" years are 16 years away-I think this is stress free issue for you!" :)
S-"Mom, i know you keep saying I can't date til I am 30 but we both know that is stupid!"
S-" Mom, what does auto-erotic asphyxiation mean??"
M-" Google David Carradine, grasshopper!"
S-"OK but do you know if pop rocks and coke make your stomach explode?"
M-"GOOGLE it!"
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Spawn/Mommy DAY! shank, shank, SHANK!
S-"I stayed up til 1:30 texting. AND slept til 11:00"
M-" Do you want breakfast, lunch or a PARADE!"
S-"You are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to!"
M-"k"
************
S-"Smell me, Mom!"
M-"NO"
S-"seriously, smell me! I just took a shower and I smell already!"
M-"BOYS stink-i don't need to smell you to know that."
S-" But smell me! Seriously!"
M-"Seriously, NO"
************
S-"You realize you are old enough to be my grandmother."
M-"you realize you are old enough to be someone else's random child."
S-"What?"
M-"I was addicted to birth control pills for a very long time son. It's a sad story but true. I was so crazy addicted I waited until I COULD afford a child to have one! CRAZY-don't do drugs! McGruff and all that shit!"
************
M-"So I have been trying to win tickets on the radio for SummerJam-Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, Keri Hilson AND if I win them we can go together! Me and you baby!!! ( This is not true but sometimes I just want to pull his chain and it is SO easy!)
S-"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!"
M-"What?"
S-"I would never, NEVER go to a hip hop concert with you-EVER"
M-" so if I won the tickets to see your FAVORITE artist, you would not go?"
S-"Not with you..that is just disgusting mom!"
M-" I have been to concerts before."
S-" just DISGUSTING"
M-:)
***************
S-"If I jump up and spin and around. I can never land flat on my feet. Watch! Watch! Watch!"
***************
S-"I am so bored! SUPERLY BORED!"
M-"ME TOO! You could mow the lawn!"
S_"YOU are impossible to talk to"
*********************
S-"I need to talk to you about the shampoo in my bathroom! WAY to girly!"
M-"It's coconut?"
S-"WAY too girly!"
********************
M-" I love this song!
S-"It is SO lame! SO lame"
M-"not the part about "I just want a quickie..the part about .."
S-"Please stop talking now. I think I am going to be sick!"
***********************
S-" OMG smell me now!"
M-"NO!"
******************
The day is almost over-I don't know whether to shank myself, pinch him really hard when he isn't looking or drink alot! I am going with the drinking! :)
M-" Do you want breakfast, lunch or a PARADE!"
S-"You are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to!"
M-"k"
************
S-"Smell me, Mom!"
M-"NO"
S-"seriously, smell me! I just took a shower and I smell already!"
M-"BOYS stink-i don't need to smell you to know that."
S-" But smell me! Seriously!"
M-"Seriously, NO"
************
S-"You realize you are old enough to be my grandmother."
M-"you realize you are old enough to be someone else's random child."
S-"What?"
M-"I was addicted to birth control pills for a very long time son. It's a sad story but true. I was so crazy addicted I waited until I COULD afford a child to have one! CRAZY-don't do drugs! McGruff and all that shit!"
************
M-"So I have been trying to win tickets on the radio for SummerJam-Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, Keri Hilson AND if I win them we can go together! Me and you baby!!! ( This is not true but sometimes I just want to pull his chain and it is SO easy!)
S-"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!"
M-"What?"
S-"I would never, NEVER go to a hip hop concert with you-EVER"
M-" so if I won the tickets to see your FAVORITE artist, you would not go?"
S-"Not with you..that is just disgusting mom!"
M-" I have been to concerts before."
S-" just DISGUSTING"
M-:)
***************
S-"If I jump up and spin and around. I can never land flat on my feet. Watch! Watch! Watch!"
***************
S-"I am so bored! SUPERLY BORED!"
M-"ME TOO! You could mow the lawn!"
S_"YOU are impossible to talk to"
*********************
S-"I need to talk to you about the shampoo in my bathroom! WAY to girly!"
M-"It's coconut?"
S-"WAY too girly!"
********************
M-" I love this song!
S-"It is SO lame! SO lame"
M-"not the part about "I just want a quickie..the part about .."
S-"Please stop talking now. I think I am going to be sick!"
***********************
S-" OMG smell me now!"
M-"NO!"
******************
The day is almost over-I don't know whether to shank myself, pinch him really hard when he isn't looking or drink alot! I am going with the drinking! :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
just stuff :)
Here is the thing about me....I have become, tragically, swirly, spin around and fall in fresh cut grass, happy with myself. :)
I like how i look in the mirror-full length,phuckers!
I go to work everyday and solve big problems. I pay all my bills and deal with all the money pit shit this house has to throw at me on what seems like a weekly basis. i battle the Spawn daily and try to navigate the pitfalls of being the old ass parent of a teen. And for now I think I am winning.
Really not a big fan of " love" and I don't think I ever will be again. But today I cleaned Spawn's bedroom because he is on vacation. I laid down on his bed after I put on clean sheets and made the bed and thought about all the times I watched him sleep in this bed or laid down beside him. I felt my heart swell and this love,this love I will always be a fan of. Then I cleaned his bathroom and I am so phucking glad he is gone for a week I can't stand it-sooooo disgusting! OMG! And i have not looked at at chicken nugget/hotdog/mini corndog for four days-YAY. NO whining..."soooooo bored", no snide comments,no eye cuts, no 14 year old advice on how to manage my life! Ahhhh peace!
Wow-sorry-so happy with myself in an empty house! :)
I like how i look in the mirror-full length,phuckers!
I go to work everyday and solve big problems. I pay all my bills and deal with all the money pit shit this house has to throw at me on what seems like a weekly basis. i battle the Spawn daily and try to navigate the pitfalls of being the old ass parent of a teen. And for now I think I am winning.
Really not a big fan of " love" and I don't think I ever will be again. But today I cleaned Spawn's bedroom because he is on vacation. I laid down on his bed after I put on clean sheets and made the bed and thought about all the times I watched him sleep in this bed or laid down beside him. I felt my heart swell and this love,this love I will always be a fan of. Then I cleaned his bathroom and I am so phucking glad he is gone for a week I can't stand it-sooooo disgusting! OMG! And i have not looked at at chicken nugget/hotdog/mini corndog for four days-YAY. NO whining..."soooooo bored", no snide comments,no eye cuts, no 14 year old advice on how to manage my life! Ahhhh peace!
Wow-sorry-so happy with myself in an empty house! :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Got Milk!
Dear Spawn,
Very sweet of you to call Mommy at work to say you would like a bowl of cereal but the milk expiration date was 2 days ago. This being the 2nd "possible bad milk" call I have gotten since summer vacation began, I have 3 words for you, "SMELL it SON!" I don't know when this obsession with the milk exp. date started I don't give a rat's ass about the date on the milk! Bad milk is the freakin easiest thing to detect-smell it! Is the bottom full of curds and whey????I had some this morning-it wasn't bad! Please feel free to call me at work if the house is on fire or you are considering experimenting with drugs but please don't call me about milk again.I realize you, like think, I don't do shit at work but sit on my ass and earn money for you but seriously-I do, kind of, have to work ,when i am at work! No lie!
Thank you.
Mommy
Very sweet of you to call Mommy at work to say you would like a bowl of cereal but the milk expiration date was 2 days ago. This being the 2nd "possible bad milk" call I have gotten since summer vacation began, I have 3 words for you, "SMELL it SON!" I don't know when this obsession with the milk exp. date started I don't give a rat's ass about the date on the milk! Bad milk is the freakin easiest thing to detect-smell it! Is the bottom full of curds and whey????I had some this morning-it wasn't bad! Please feel free to call me at work if the house is on fire or you are considering experimenting with drugs but please don't call me about milk again.I realize you, like think, I don't do shit at work but sit on my ass and earn money for you but seriously-I do, kind of, have to work ,when i am at work! No lie!
Thank you.
Mommy
Friday, June 17, 2011
The field of 14 year old boredom...sigh
Spawn-taneous and Mommy chat
S-"MOM!"
M-"Yes?"
S-"I see that you just finished mowing the back yard..that you mowed half of yesterday. Can you explain that to me?"
M-"hahhahha-not that i HAVE to son, but i am perfecting the half-ass mowing technique." :)
S-"What?"
M-" I mow half of the yard, sit on my ass, have a beer and mow the other half the next day. It is soooo working for me. I plan on writing a research paper on how half-ass mowing extends your lifespan!!!"
S-"Stop talking, Mom, really. Can I ask -WHY you leave the mower outside the shed after you mow???? Even when you know it might rain???"
M-"That little mower works HARD.."
S-"..because you refuse to pick up sticks.."
M-"..it loves sticks AND I leave it outside because rain is god's own lawnmower car wash! Don't you think that mower loves the feel of the summer rain cooling it's little red body..."
S-"Just STOP talking..."
M-...like a lawn mower spa bath.."
S-"MOM-you can't get the front wheels lifted up high enough to get it in the shed,can you???"
M-"No, no I can't" :)
S-"Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here???"
M-" COULD YOU!!! COULD YOU, PLEEEZE! Could you work full time and pay the bills and keep the house clean, cook and wrangle a 14 year old spawn. That would be AWESOME, son. I pass the crown to you!"
S-"WHATEVER! Are you texting while we are talking!!!!!"
M-"Yes, you do it me all the time! AND although I may not be able to consistently get the mower in the shed, I can multitask!"
S-"You are texting and smiling. PLEASE tell me you are not sexting in front of me!!"
M-"I am NOT sexting!"
S-"Because seriously ,Mom, who is going to want to have sex with you..seriously! You are old as dirt and all tatted up..disgusting!"
M-" Watch yourself, son! Two tattoos is not "tatted up" and I am thinking, blind guys! I think they might find EVEN me attractive! I am trolling for blind guys..just so you know." :)
S-"NOT FUNNY! Who are you texting and smiling with?"
M-" Your dad."
S-" Then why are you smiling???"
M-" He just texted me the dates he plans on taking you on vacation-FOR A WEEK! For some odd reason-the thought made me SMILE! "
S-" GREAT, Mom-real nice!"
M-"Love you BABY!"
S-"Whatever, love you too. Could you buy me something to make my boredom go away?"
M-" No and it is the first week of summer...get ready to lay in the field of boredom for a while"
S-" Buy me a new game...buy me a girl..buy me a growth spurt..buy me excitement...MOM!"
M-"UHHH, no. We done talking?"
S-"Yes. Do you see how sad this is-that I am so bored I have to talk to you."
M-"Yes, yes I do." :)
S-"MOM!"
M-"Yes?"
S-"I see that you just finished mowing the back yard..that you mowed half of yesterday. Can you explain that to me?"
M-"hahhahha-not that i HAVE to son, but i am perfecting the half-ass mowing technique." :)
S-"What?"
M-" I mow half of the yard, sit on my ass, have a beer and mow the other half the next day. It is soooo working for me. I plan on writing a research paper on how half-ass mowing extends your lifespan!!!"
S-"Stop talking, Mom, really. Can I ask -WHY you leave the mower outside the shed after you mow???? Even when you know it might rain???"
M-"That little mower works HARD.."
S-"..because you refuse to pick up sticks.."
M-"..it loves sticks AND I leave it outside because rain is god's own lawnmower car wash! Don't you think that mower loves the feel of the summer rain cooling it's little red body..."
S-"Just STOP talking..."
M-...like a lawn mower spa bath.."
S-"MOM-you can't get the front wheels lifted up high enough to get it in the shed,can you???"
M-"No, no I can't" :)
S-"Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here???"
M-" COULD YOU!!! COULD YOU, PLEEEZE! Could you work full time and pay the bills and keep the house clean, cook and wrangle a 14 year old spawn. That would be AWESOME, son. I pass the crown to you!"
S-"WHATEVER! Are you texting while we are talking!!!!!"
M-"Yes, you do it me all the time! AND although I may not be able to consistently get the mower in the shed, I can multitask!"
S-"You are texting and smiling. PLEASE tell me you are not sexting in front of me!!"
M-"I am NOT sexting!"
S-"Because seriously ,Mom, who is going to want to have sex with you..seriously! You are old as dirt and all tatted up..disgusting!"
M-" Watch yourself, son! Two tattoos is not "tatted up" and I am thinking, blind guys! I think they might find EVEN me attractive! I am trolling for blind guys..just so you know." :)
S-"NOT FUNNY! Who are you texting and smiling with?"
M-" Your dad."
S-" Then why are you smiling???"
M-" He just texted me the dates he plans on taking you on vacation-FOR A WEEK! For some odd reason-the thought made me SMILE! "
S-" GREAT, Mom-real nice!"
M-"Love you BABY!"
S-"Whatever, love you too. Could you buy me something to make my boredom go away?"
M-" No and it is the first week of summer...get ready to lay in the field of boredom for a while"
S-" Buy me a new game...buy me a girl..buy me a growth spurt..buy me excitement...MOM!"
M-"UHHH, no. We done talking?"
S-"Yes. Do you see how sad this is-that I am so bored I have to talk to you."
M-"Yes, yes I do." :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Cartoon Network and beaver picnics!
OK-after two weeks of personally battling the swarming termites,armed and in my own home with my now SEVEN cans of flying insect spray, I have decided to let the big guns have a shot. Not that I haven't killed like a million of them and enjoyed every minute of it but they don't seem frightened by my hot ,long-legged, tanned, armed with death spray, bad-ass self. I called the big bug people-they are sending an inspector out tomorrow.
The scheduling dude said " Ma'am, your inspector (lol) will be out tomorrow between 4 pm and 6 pm."
M-"Will he have a bug on the truck???"
Dude-"No ma'am we don't have bugs on our trucks. Your inspec-TOR's name is Rocky Bravo and he will have proper ID."
M-"Hahahahahaha!"
Dude-"Excuse me?"
M-"Seriously-his name is Rocky Bravo..seriously?"
Dude-"YES it is."
M-" I wonder if he is kin to Johnny Bravo????"
Dude-"what?"
M-"Awesomely funny cartoon on Cartoon Network about 10 years ago!!!"
Dude-"OK Ma'am-Johnny will be there tomorrow between 4 and 6."
M-"Rocky"
Dude-"What?"
M-"Rocky will be here, Johnny Bravo is a cartoon."
Dude-"yes, Rocky. thank you for calling."
I am sooooooooo excited!!!! A bug inspec-TOR named Rocky Bravo is coming to my house tomorrow to tell me how many billions of dollars i am going to have to spend to protect my house from getting chewed like wood at a beaver picnic! ain't nothing wrong with a beaver picnic as long as it isn't your wood...i mean house!
Anyway-i am pretty psyched about meeting Rocky Bravo and this led Spawn and I to have a conversation about all the great cartoons I suffered through that he loved...and we agreed Dexter's Laboratory was our favorite. He doesn't remember Johnny Bravo but I do :)
The scheduling dude said " Ma'am, your inspector (lol) will be out tomorrow between 4 pm and 6 pm."
M-"Will he have a bug on the truck???"
Dude-"No ma'am we don't have bugs on our trucks. Your inspec-TOR's name is Rocky Bravo and he will have proper ID."
M-"Hahahahahaha!"
Dude-"Excuse me?"
M-"Seriously-his name is Rocky Bravo..seriously?"
Dude-"YES it is."
M-" I wonder if he is kin to Johnny Bravo????"
Dude-"what?"
M-"Awesomely funny cartoon on Cartoon Network about 10 years ago!!!"
Dude-"OK Ma'am-Johnny will be there tomorrow between 4 and 6."
M-"Rocky"
Dude-"What?"
M-"Rocky will be here, Johnny Bravo is a cartoon."
Dude-"yes, Rocky. thank you for calling."
I am sooooooooo excited!!!! A bug inspec-TOR named Rocky Bravo is coming to my house tomorrow to tell me how many billions of dollars i am going to have to spend to protect my house from getting chewed like wood at a beaver picnic! ain't nothing wrong with a beaver picnic as long as it isn't your wood...i mean house!
Anyway-i am pretty psyched about meeting Rocky Bravo and this led Spawn and I to have a conversation about all the great cartoons I suffered through that he loved...and we agreed Dexter's Laboratory was our favorite. He doesn't remember Johnny Bravo but I do :)
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