So on Sunday I pass Spawn's door on my way to bed and KNOCK and open the door. There is this flurry and rustle of paper under the covers and a cover to the chin move and a bit of red facedness (my word!) on both red faces!
m-"Uhh, good night."
S-"uhh, good night."
Well, that was awkward, I thought as I closed the door and went on to my room to bed.
The next morning I remember, CRAP, Spawn had all weekend to finish the last 20 questions in his EOC algebra 1 booklet and I forgot to remind him and it was due TODAY!
m-"SPAWN, you have to finish the last 20 questions in your booklet!!!"
S-" I did last night."
m-"You did???"
S-"Yes Mom-when you thought you caught me masturbating, I was working on the math but I thought i should hide it from you because I didn't want you to FREAK because I forgot til the last minute. You should have seen your face last night!!! It was priceless!!!"
m-"ha ha"
S-"Hey, want to know something I remembered after you closed my door last night."
m-"maybe..."
S-"I remembered clear as a bell a conversation we had when i was five and I told you it felt good to touch my pee pee and you said "sure it does and the great thing is, it always will. Just make sure when you want that good feeling you take to your room and close the door and until you are 30 you will need to clear anyone else touching your pee pee through me. Mom rule."
m-"wow, i am sure i said just that..i just can't believe you remember it."
S-"CLEARLY. and just so you know, you will never CATCH me masturbating."
m-" OH thank goodness! careful planning is key! you are such a good kid!"
S-"and I got the math done"
:)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
the mancave and story of your birth, my baby!
I have spend the majority of my well-deserved week off turning your GIGANTIC playroom into a man cave for your 14th birthday tomorrow. All week I have been painting this 26' by 16' room-2 coats-thank ya! When I bought this house I thought WOW- this is a big phucking room-front room-big bay window. The house has another living room smaller with a fireplace..I moved my pretty small amount of furniture in there and gave over the big room to 4 year old you and your LEGIONS of toys!! Moms-I just want to say-if you can have a playroom-do it! You can keep the rest of your house toy free AND when you look in it and think-" I should clean this!" the toy proliferation that seems to happen when you sleep at night is SO overwhelming-you just walk away and hope your child can tunnel their way out! :)
So I have spent 3 days painting over the cheerful green and yellow walls, the blackboard wall, the height marks (SOB) with a deep wine (SOB) cause that is what you picked. you have been ruthless in de-junking the room.
M-"oh look baby-your fossil box!"
S-"Toss it!"
So it is finished-wine-with a futon, side chairs, a pool table, CD player and a big-ass flat screen tv-your request to mount it on the wall- i said hahhahahahahaha...uh no. not in my skill set! :)
I know it bothers you that I am so much older than your peers' parents and I say 2 words-"SELF-AWARENESS. GET it, embrace it and live it! It will make others in your wake safer!"
I was not ready for a long time to be someone's parent until i got me where i needed to be. I am a planner! ( AND can i just say-this is a little off topic BUT-i did not find there to be ONE appealing thing about being pregnant-not one-it AMAZES me that so many of my clients have tons of kids-AMAZES me..sorry ..done now)
So Spawn, imagine my surprise when exactly one month before my due date-i had an odd thing happen! I told your dad-hey weird thing happened-i think my water broke. He said ...nah.. call the doctor. So I called the doctor who was on call for my practice...we will refer to him henceforth as DR. Asshole! So Dr. Asshole listened to me and said..."hummmmm sounds like vaginal pooling." I laughed outloud!!!!! "Really, really..wow that sounds kinda good!"
"I am leaving the hospital at 11-if it would make you feel better,come to the hospital and I will check to make sure."
Thank you pompous asshole "I think I will do that! Thanks!"
So I told your Dad-I am going to drive myself to the hospital to let Dr. Asshole see if I have vaginal pooling!
Since your brother and sister lived with us-he was kind of stuck-I told him I would be fine and set out for the hospital. I had only had one Lamaze class and it was kind of the touchy-feely get to know everyone class but the only thing I remembered from the class was " hard candy" so when i had my second contraction on the way to hospital -i thought-holy shit I need to get some candy!!! So I pulled off at a convenience store right before the hospital and got confused about the candy so i bought a Butterfinger and some Swedish Fish. When I got there there was a girl in front of me telling the check-in person about her painful peeing and my contractions were getting a little stronger and I stood there behind her thinking-MOVE-it is either a bladder infection or VD but it hardly warrants an 8:00 ER visit. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to kick that booty-shorted, halter topped bitch in the ass...but i was in sweats and slightly FAT!
I got upstairs and Dr. Asshole examined me and said "Yes-you are in labor.. it may be 8 to 12 hours til you give birth...your doctor will be on duty in the morning..good luck!"
AND then something happened to me that has never happened to me before. I stood up to a doctor.
In front of three people I said " EXCUSE ME! DO NOT leave this room! I saw my doctor yesterday and she said my baby was FULL Breach-you know butt first-legs over his head..She was going to try and turn him on Monday!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I felt the bony head!"
I glared at him and he glared at me and I said " FULL BREACH YESTERDAY!"
Everybody in the room looked at him and he was pissed!!!!
He asked the nurse to bring him the sonargram machine and you could tell he was convinced he was right but my gown-draped all alone ass was not going to back down!!! For once and for the right reason!
so they checked you out and he looked at me and said-"Your baby is full-breach and I am leaving at 11 pm so call anyone you have to because you will having a baby in the next 30 minutes-C-section."
He stalked out and the nurses just grinned at me! yeah bony head my ass-well your ass actually!
I called my parents and your dad-nobody made it on time but I had a great anesthesiologist who said " Hey, you want to stay with you."
"You mean up here, where my head is alive but the rest of my body is numb..hee hee i am a talking head!"
"ok I will stay"
"I love you and hope he has your eyes!"
And we laughed-i would have laughed if i could and your dad came at the end and when they tried to bathe you your legs kept popping back over your ears. You were beautiful!
I am amazed that I have kept you alive for 14 years and that you are so not an asshole!
You are my heart and the very best thing that I have ever done!
So I have spent 3 days painting over the cheerful green and yellow walls, the blackboard wall, the height marks (SOB) with a deep wine (SOB) cause that is what you picked. you have been ruthless in de-junking the room.
M-"oh look baby-your fossil box!"
S-"Toss it!"
So it is finished-wine-with a futon, side chairs, a pool table, CD player and a big-ass flat screen tv-your request to mount it on the wall- i said hahhahahahahaha...uh no. not in my skill set! :)
I know it bothers you that I am so much older than your peers' parents and I say 2 words-"SELF-AWARENESS. GET it, embrace it and live it! It will make others in your wake safer!"
I was not ready for a long time to be someone's parent until i got me where i needed to be. I am a planner! ( AND can i just say-this is a little off topic BUT-i did not find there to be ONE appealing thing about being pregnant-not one-it AMAZES me that so many of my clients have tons of kids-AMAZES me..sorry ..done now)
So Spawn, imagine my surprise when exactly one month before my due date-i had an odd thing happen! I told your dad-hey weird thing happened-i think my water broke. He said ...nah.. call the doctor. So I called the doctor who was on call for my practice...we will refer to him henceforth as DR. Asshole! So Dr. Asshole listened to me and said..."hummmmm sounds like vaginal pooling." I laughed outloud!!!!! "Really, really..wow that sounds kinda good!"
"I am leaving the hospital at 11-if it would make you feel better,come to the hospital and I will check to make sure."
Thank you pompous asshole "I think I will do that! Thanks!"
So I told your Dad-I am going to drive myself to the hospital to let Dr. Asshole see if I have vaginal pooling!
Since your brother and sister lived with us-he was kind of stuck-I told him I would be fine and set out for the hospital. I had only had one Lamaze class and it was kind of the touchy-feely get to know everyone class but the only thing I remembered from the class was " hard candy" so when i had my second contraction on the way to hospital -i thought-holy shit I need to get some candy!!! So I pulled off at a convenience store right before the hospital and got confused about the candy so i bought a Butterfinger and some Swedish Fish. When I got there there was a girl in front of me telling the check-in person about her painful peeing and my contractions were getting a little stronger and I stood there behind her thinking-MOVE-it is either a bladder infection or VD but it hardly warrants an 8:00 ER visit. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to kick that booty-shorted, halter topped bitch in the ass...but i was in sweats and slightly FAT!
I got upstairs and Dr. Asshole examined me and said "Yes-you are in labor.. it may be 8 to 12 hours til you give birth...your doctor will be on duty in the morning..good luck!"
AND then something happened to me that has never happened to me before. I stood up to a doctor.
In front of three people I said " EXCUSE ME! DO NOT leave this room! I saw my doctor yesterday and she said my baby was FULL Breach-you know butt first-legs over his head..She was going to try and turn him on Monday!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I felt the bony head!"
I glared at him and he glared at me and I said " FULL BREACH YESTERDAY!"
Everybody in the room looked at him and he was pissed!!!!
He asked the nurse to bring him the sonargram machine and you could tell he was convinced he was right but my gown-draped all alone ass was not going to back down!!! For once and for the right reason!
so they checked you out and he looked at me and said-"Your baby is full-breach and I am leaving at 11 pm so call anyone you have to because you will having a baby in the next 30 minutes-C-section."
He stalked out and the nurses just grinned at me! yeah bony head my ass-well your ass actually!
I called my parents and your dad-nobody made it on time but I had a great anesthesiologist who said " Hey, you want to stay with you."
"You mean up here, where my head is alive but the rest of my body is numb..hee hee i am a talking head!"
"ok I will stay"
"I love you and hope he has your eyes!"
And we laughed-i would have laughed if i could and your dad came at the end and when they tried to bathe you your legs kept popping back over your ears. You were beautiful!
I am amazed that I have kept you alive for 14 years and that you are so not an asshole!
You are my heart and the very best thing that I have ever done!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
weed eaters and vibrators :)
Spawn-taneous /mommy conversation
M-"Spawn, even though I know you have clicked your ruby red LaBrons heels together and wished, the front lawn IS NOT going to mow ITSELF, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!"
S-"Now that you bring this up, can we talk about why you mow the backyard in three sections?"
M-"You know I don't like WHY questions."
S-"I know, Mom,"never explain" blah,blah,blah..why?"
M-"I like to break the job up." :)
S-"Sooooo, you like to break up a THIRTY minute job up into 3 ten minute sections."
M-"Yes."
S-" So a job that should take 30 minutes is broken up into 3 10 minute jobs with a 15 minute break between each job making a 30 minute job into SIXTY minute job. Do you see where I am going with this ,Mom?"
M-" No, because that's math and I try to avoid math when possible. Plus the breaks don't feel very jobish-you know what I mean-they feel more BREAKISH!" :)
S-"OK, let me ask you this, why do you start mowing at the top of the yard near the shed where we store the mower, instead of starting at the bottom of the yard and mowing up so that you finish mowing where the mower is stored? Do you understand what I am saying? You push the mower all the way back up a mowed yard to the shed."
M-" Good point! Why do you deposit dirty clothes in five different rooms in the house rather than say..... centrally depositing them in, I don't know, a dirty clothes basket where they are all together when you get ready to wash them? This would save the scavenger hunt time when it is laundry time."
S-"Mom, you are deflecting."
M-"Spawn, this whole conversation is classic avoidance....MOW the front YARD."
S-"Could you wear clothes when you mow? Could you do that?"
M-" Could you do more annoying???? Please!!!"
S-" I would be willing to take the backyard off your hands for an extra 10 bucks."
M-" So what you are saying is you would be willing to take on a job in addition to the job that ONE out of every TWO times , I end up doing because of I-Pad,text, TV,PS 3, AND if all else fails homework interference?"
S"You are just harsh, Mom, harsh! never mind-forget I brought it up!"
M-"What were we talking about anyway???"
S-"Are you making any progress with finding a weed eater we can buy and use???"
M-"Working on it!!!!"
Now what I did not tell him was I have been researching weed eaters on-line and I am having as much trouble picking out one as I did picking out a vibrator! The choices are overwhelming and they all seem attractive and shiny and do a multitude of things! Honestly I am having as much trouble picking between the Husqvarna 28 cc 2 cycle curved -shaft string trimmer and the Troy Bilt 25c 4-cycle straight shaft multi thingy as i did trying to decide between the Big Bob Multi-Speed disco light vibrator and the Amazing Big Shaft vibrator with multiple functions( housework not one of them). What I wish is, in both cases is I could find a "tool" (lol) that they just accurately label "big enough,easy to handle and gets the job done" YAY!!!! I am buying that!
M-"Spawn, even though I know you have clicked your ruby red LaBrons heels together and wished, the front lawn IS NOT going to mow ITSELF, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!"
S-"Now that you bring this up, can we talk about why you mow the backyard in three sections?"
M-"You know I don't like WHY questions."
S-"I know, Mom,"never explain" blah,blah,blah..why?"
M-"I like to break the job up." :)
S-"Sooooo, you like to break up a THIRTY minute job up into 3 ten minute sections."
M-"Yes."
S-" So a job that should take 30 minutes is broken up into 3 10 minute jobs with a 15 minute break between each job making a 30 minute job into SIXTY minute job. Do you see where I am going with this ,Mom?"
M-" No, because that's math and I try to avoid math when possible. Plus the breaks don't feel very jobish-you know what I mean-they feel more BREAKISH!" :)
S-"OK, let me ask you this, why do you start mowing at the top of the yard near the shed where we store the mower, instead of starting at the bottom of the yard and mowing up so that you finish mowing where the mower is stored? Do you understand what I am saying? You push the mower all the way back up a mowed yard to the shed."
M-" Good point! Why do you deposit dirty clothes in five different rooms in the house rather than say..... centrally depositing them in, I don't know, a dirty clothes basket where they are all together when you get ready to wash them? This would save the scavenger hunt time when it is laundry time."
S-"Mom, you are deflecting."
M-"Spawn, this whole conversation is classic avoidance....MOW the front YARD."
S-"Could you wear clothes when you mow? Could you do that?"
M-" Could you do more annoying???? Please!!!"
S-" I would be willing to take the backyard off your hands for an extra 10 bucks."
M-" So what you are saying is you would be willing to take on a job in addition to the job that ONE out of every TWO times , I end up doing because of I-Pad,text, TV,PS 3, AND if all else fails homework interference?"
S"You are just harsh, Mom, harsh! never mind-forget I brought it up!"
M-"What were we talking about anyway???"
S-"Are you making any progress with finding a weed eater we can buy and use???"
M-"Working on it!!!!"
Now what I did not tell him was I have been researching weed eaters on-line and I am having as much trouble picking out one as I did picking out a vibrator! The choices are overwhelming and they all seem attractive and shiny and do a multitude of things! Honestly I am having as much trouble picking between the Husqvarna 28 cc 2 cycle curved -shaft string trimmer and the Troy Bilt 25c 4-cycle straight shaft multi thingy as i did trying to decide between the Big Bob Multi-Speed disco light vibrator and the Amazing Big Shaft vibrator with multiple functions( housework not one of them). What I wish is, in both cases is I could find a "tool" (lol) that they just accurately label "big enough,easy to handle and gets the job done" YAY!!!! I am buying that!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
and no...I am not a COUGAR...lol
So last week a very sweet woman asked me at work, " So you are turning 50 and single, are you a COUGAR???"
I laughed and said , "If you mean do I or would I date younger men, the answer is NO."
She asked why? She doesn't know me well. lol
I said, "Because I consider myself a very smart cupcake!"
She said, "You mean COOKIE."
I said, "No, I mean cupcake."
Another person in the room mumbles to her, "walk away, walk way!" She does, I wink at the mumbler-who DOES know me well!
I SO LOVE men my age!!!! So love them!!! or a couple years older! We are on the same on the same plane heading for the same destination! We have been on similar trips and we GET it! We have been there and done that more than once AND we have finally learned our lessons!! GOOD god there is something to be said for that! We got our own stuff and we ain't gonna lay down on the floor and let somebody walk over us and take it...cause we have been there and done that! lol
And men my age are smart and funny and finally,finally done being boys. I find that they are, maybe for the first time, comfortable with themselves. And this leads to men who are just fun and loving and quite frankly, sweet! And very sexy..all of that in a man is very sexy!
AND they don't play games...and by that i mean VIDEO games...I would hate for my hotness to like, interfere with a kill or a race or a country takeover on a video game.
Were guys my age cool when i was 15-oh hell No-are they the best now, oh yes,oh yes ,oh yes!
I laughed and said , "If you mean do I or would I date younger men, the answer is NO."
She asked why? She doesn't know me well. lol
I said, "Because I consider myself a very smart cupcake!"
She said, "You mean COOKIE."
I said, "No, I mean cupcake."
Another person in the room mumbles to her, "walk away, walk way!" She does, I wink at the mumbler-who DOES know me well!
I SO LOVE men my age!!!! So love them!!! or a couple years older! We are on the same on the same plane heading for the same destination! We have been on similar trips and we GET it! We have been there and done that more than once AND we have finally learned our lessons!! GOOD god there is something to be said for that! We got our own stuff and we ain't gonna lay down on the floor and let somebody walk over us and take it...cause we have been there and done that! lol
And men my age are smart and funny and finally,finally done being boys. I find that they are, maybe for the first time, comfortable with themselves. And this leads to men who are just fun and loving and quite frankly, sweet! And very sexy..all of that in a man is very sexy!
AND they don't play games...and by that i mean VIDEO games...I would hate for my hotness to like, interfere with a kill or a race or a country takeover on a video game.
Were guys my age cool when i was 15-oh hell No-are they the best now, oh yes,oh yes ,oh yes!
Friday, April 22, 2011
shopping..shank! and crotch covers :)
I HATE shopping! HATE it! Food shopping, clothes shopping, car shopping,appliance shopping,electronic shopping,shoe shopping, card shopping, gift shopping, shopping for bargains, shopping around...HATE it! So when Spawn said this week, "We have to go shopping for some warm weather clothes, Mom." I was alarmed!
M-"Don't you have plenty of stuff from last year??!!!??"
S-"MOM, surprising as it may seem, i have grown in a year!"
M-"REALLY?"
S-"Really! And we need to go to the mall."
M-" WHAT! We can go to Target. Target is good!"
S-" the MALL..the stores I like are at the mall."
I let this sit for a couple days because we agreed to go on Friday, I was off and he had a half day of school.
M-" you know , we have a limited amount of money to spend,sooooo if we go to Target or Kohl's we could get more clothes for that money AND if we go to the mall (shudder) you may only be able to get a couple things. :)"
S-" I am aware of that."
M-"ohhhhh K-Mart!!! we could get a boatload of clothes at K-Mart!!! Son, when I was a kid I used to have to get my clothes from skycity...."
S-"MOM! the mall! K-MART..pleeeezee!"
ok...so I haven't been in a MALL for 13 years..NO LIE. I think my wiring is odd and all the lights and people and NOISE cause me to nut up! But I decide I will do this...ding dang it!
So we go and when we get out of the car and are walking toward the mall he looks at me and says, "OMG!! look at what you are wearing!!!"
M-"what??"
S-"A too little sweatshirt, with a big shirt under it, that sticks out and it's ORANGE!!"
M-" I had this on when we left the house. I AM OFF WORK TODAY!"
S-"I didn't pay attention-stay in my general direction but try not to look like you are with me."
OMG!!!
Well-we wind our way to Hollister-the mecca of teen shopping and Spawn asks if i can just wait outside the store until he is ready to make purchases and I say hell no. So he directs me to the girl side of the store -to a corner and says just wait here and DO NOT sway to the music-LOL. Can I just say-that store is cramped--i think. Anyway i stand there...the human credit card...watching our young people twitter by. Hee hee-they sell shorts that can only be described as crotch covers! Well, the thing is , I am in the jeans corner.. and I need a pair, so i try on a pair( yes I moved from my assigned spot-lol) and they fit and they are 40% off. So -yay-I will have actually accomplished something on this hellish b-day afternoon. When Spawn was ready to check out and I laid the jeans on the counter, he looked at me with disbelief!
S-"Are you buying those for YOU????"
M-"Yes."
He shook his head, snarled his lip and walked out of the store.
M-"So what's the deal?"
S-"It is sooooo disgusting and humiliating to have your OLD mom buy a pair of Hollister jeans!! so humiliating..plus you were moving to the music-I SAW you!"
M-"Son, I can take this stuff back and we can go to K-Mart and nothing I buy for me will humiliate you! So what do you say, dude????"
S-" No never mind!!!!"
M-"I don't change the rules on you everyday..you know what they are and like them or not-they are the rules. YOU can't change the rules on me everyday and expect me to follow them. I know generally what embarrasses you and I try to avoid it. OK?"
S-" OK"
M-"I love these jeans tho-they really hug my ass and ride low enough so you can see my tramp stamp!"
S-"MOM!!!"
;)
M-"Don't you have plenty of stuff from last year??!!!??"
S-"MOM, surprising as it may seem, i have grown in a year!"
M-"REALLY?"
S-"Really! And we need to go to the mall."
M-" WHAT! We can go to Target. Target is good!"
S-" the MALL..the stores I like are at the mall."
I let this sit for a couple days because we agreed to go on Friday, I was off and he had a half day of school.
M-" you know , we have a limited amount of money to spend,sooooo if we go to Target or Kohl's we could get more clothes for that money AND if we go to the mall (shudder) you may only be able to get a couple things. :)"
S-" I am aware of that."
M-"ohhhhh K-Mart!!! we could get a boatload of clothes at K-Mart!!! Son, when I was a kid I used to have to get my clothes from skycity...."
S-"MOM! the mall! K-MART..pleeeezee!"
ok...so I haven't been in a MALL for 13 years..NO LIE. I think my wiring is odd and all the lights and people and NOISE cause me to nut up! But I decide I will do this...ding dang it!
So we go and when we get out of the car and are walking toward the mall he looks at me and says, "OMG!! look at what you are wearing!!!"
M-"what??"
S-"A too little sweatshirt, with a big shirt under it, that sticks out and it's ORANGE!!"
M-" I had this on when we left the house. I AM OFF WORK TODAY!"
S-"I didn't pay attention-stay in my general direction but try not to look like you are with me."
OMG!!!
Well-we wind our way to Hollister-the mecca of teen shopping and Spawn asks if i can just wait outside the store until he is ready to make purchases and I say hell no. So he directs me to the girl side of the store -to a corner and says just wait here and DO NOT sway to the music-LOL. Can I just say-that store is cramped--i think. Anyway i stand there...the human credit card...watching our young people twitter by. Hee hee-they sell shorts that can only be described as crotch covers! Well, the thing is , I am in the jeans corner.. and I need a pair, so i try on a pair( yes I moved from my assigned spot-lol) and they fit and they are 40% off. So -yay-I will have actually accomplished something on this hellish b-day afternoon. When Spawn was ready to check out and I laid the jeans on the counter, he looked at me with disbelief!
S-"Are you buying those for YOU????"
M-"Yes."
He shook his head, snarled his lip and walked out of the store.
M-"So what's the deal?"
S-"It is sooooo disgusting and humiliating to have your OLD mom buy a pair of Hollister jeans!! so humiliating..plus you were moving to the music-I SAW you!"
M-"Son, I can take this stuff back and we can go to K-Mart and nothing I buy for me will humiliate you! So what do you say, dude????"
S-" No never mind!!!!"
M-"I don't change the rules on you everyday..you know what they are and like them or not-they are the rules. YOU can't change the rules on me everyday and expect me to follow them. I know generally what embarrasses you and I try to avoid it. OK?"
S-" OK"
M-"I love these jeans tho-they really hug my ass and ride low enough so you can see my tramp stamp!"
S-"MOM!!!"
;)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
beer,boobs and 50
I am more excited about turning 50 than I have been about turning any other age, except for 16. 16 was AWESOME! I had boobs-finally! I had a fake college ID cause i was auditing a class and they let you write your DOB in! AND I had a license! So I could cruise..I could drive to Fatman's in Waynesville and push my fake ID across the counter and buy BEER! I felt that 16 was HARD-EARNED and that I had earned it!
I am giddy about turning 50! and i feel it is HARD-EARNED...hard-earned and so happy to be here. But this birthday I am very aware, it is hard-earned ..by
my parents and step-parents: sorry -thanks for surviving me and loving me
my sibling:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
my exes:-thanks for surviving me and loving me ;)
my best friends:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
Spawn: thanks for surviving!!!! and loving me -even though you can't show it anymore
While 16 seemed to be MY hard-earned birthday-50 seems to be the hard-earned one that belongs to everyone I have ever known...and me.
Most important for me..I think if I could sit across a table from the 16 year old me now..she would be proud..for a moment -before she got bored!
And I still have my boobs AND i can still buy beer AND I don't have to ask to borrow the car! Seriously! Does it get any better than that! I think not!
I am giddy about turning 50! and i feel it is HARD-EARNED...hard-earned and so happy to be here. But this birthday I am very aware, it is hard-earned ..by
my parents and step-parents: sorry -thanks for surviving me and loving me
my sibling:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
my exes:-thanks for surviving me and loving me ;)
my best friends:-thanks for surviving me and loving me
Spawn: thanks for surviving!!!! and loving me -even though you can't show it anymore
While 16 seemed to be MY hard-earned birthday-50 seems to be the hard-earned one that belongs to everyone I have ever known...and me.
Most important for me..I think if I could sit across a table from the 16 year old me now..she would be proud..for a moment -before she got bored!
And I still have my boobs AND i can still buy beer AND I don't have to ask to borrow the car! Seriously! Does it get any better than that! I think not!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Spawn and the Bus!
Today, before I left work, I got an e-mail from a co-worker that said, "Last night I overheard my daughter telling her sister about how DISGUSTING all the boys on her bus were. She went on to say that the only boy on her bus who wasn't DISGUSTING and crude was your son (his name) AND that he was the only boy on the bus that didn't use foul language. You must be doing something right." HOT DAMN..that made me happy! I went back and re-read it of course to make sure it was his name and then I was really happy! You all know it is my quest to raise a man who is honest, empathetic, thoughtful, loving, hardworking, respectful and not an ASSHOLE or DISGUSTING!!!!! YAY..one down..for now. I teared up a little and car-danced all the way home. I got home and ran in the house calling his name, he mumbled a greeting and I pounced on him! (He loves that!)
M-"Spawn, stand up! Full frontal mommy/boy HUG!!!!"
S-"WHAT! MOM!"
M-"Put the controller down and hug me!!!"
S-"mumble mumble mumble...what????"
I explained the e-mail and how proud I was that a girl did not find him disgusting and SINCE I know he cusses that our many conversations about when and where it is appropriate had taken hold. I was beaming, he was pretty horrified.
S-"Whatever mom..who is the girl?"
M-"What?"
S-"Who is the girl????"
M-"What difference does it make?"
S-"It makes a difference..cause if she is 7th grader or a geek or..........."
The conversation went downhill after that and I wasn't able to pull it back up. Apparently the value of the compliment depending on the "hotness" of the girl who gives it! :)
Even his lack of enthusiasm did not dim mine!
This has been a bumpy year for Spawn and me, with the tattoos and my "POST mid-life crisis". In the past year my ability to "totally and completely humiliate" him with my very presence has risen dramatically...which amuses me , much to his frustration. There has also been an increase in even my smallest actions "ruining" his life! I have explained to him several times that I am pretty sure ruining your child's life on a regular basis is part of the parental job description! But after a year of he and I finding our footing together in our new "single parent household", it's nice to know I haven't totally phucked him up, yet. In the next 30 days he will turn 14 and I will turn 50 and I have optimistic about our next 4 years together. May the humiliating and ruining continue at an acceptable level. And may Spawn continue to not be DISGUSTING! Makes me sooo proud! ;)
M-"Spawn, stand up! Full frontal mommy/boy HUG!!!!"
S-"WHAT! MOM!"
M-"Put the controller down and hug me!!!"
S-"mumble mumble mumble...what????"
I explained the e-mail and how proud I was that a girl did not find him disgusting and SINCE I know he cusses that our many conversations about when and where it is appropriate had taken hold. I was beaming, he was pretty horrified.
S-"Whatever mom..who is the girl?"
M-"What?"
S-"Who is the girl????"
M-"What difference does it make?"
S-"It makes a difference..cause if she is 7th grader or a geek or..........."
The conversation went downhill after that and I wasn't able to pull it back up. Apparently the value of the compliment depending on the "hotness" of the girl who gives it! :)
Even his lack of enthusiasm did not dim mine!
This has been a bumpy year for Spawn and me, with the tattoos and my "POST mid-life crisis". In the past year my ability to "totally and completely humiliate" him with my very presence has risen dramatically...which amuses me , much to his frustration. There has also been an increase in even my smallest actions "ruining" his life! I have explained to him several times that I am pretty sure ruining your child's life on a regular basis is part of the parental job description! But after a year of he and I finding our footing together in our new "single parent household", it's nice to know I haven't totally phucked him up, yet. In the next 30 days he will turn 14 and I will turn 50 and I have optimistic about our next 4 years together. May the humiliating and ruining continue at an acceptable level. And may Spawn continue to not be DISGUSTING! Makes me sooo proud! ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)